love « Surviving Narcissism

My mom is trying to help. She loves me and her heart is in the right place. She recommended that I pick up the book by Steve Harvey called, ‘Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man’. Am I the only woman offended by this title? I’ve admitted that my goal was to be a wife and mother, but I did not agree to erase my personality. And I wouldn’t want a guy who can’t appreciate my femaleness as much as I appreciate his maleness. Why does it seem that every popular relationship book has women adapting themselves to suit a man? I just read this article about improving your relationship by not talking about it. There’s a ton of research out there about how guys don’t like to talk about feelings and relationships, so if women want a relationship, they better talk to their girlfriends about it, not their guy. How about all the research that says women need to talk about feelings and relationships? Where are the books that say that if a guy wants a relationship, he better at least try to utter something about how he feels? Forget it. Once again, we are to adapt ourselves to them. They don’t have to, shouldn’t have to and will not adapt to us. Wouldn’t it work if there was a compromise somewhere? What if I agreed to not always have to talk feelings, and he worked on once in awhile listening and not running away from anything to do with feelings?

Here’s my declaration:

1. I will not stifle who I am to get a man. I will be emotional and enjoy all the feelings that I have. I will be wholly female and revel in it.

2. I will not change what I look like to get a man. I will like the way I look (at least most days) and know that I am looking my best. Looks never last anyway.

3. I will watch football if I want to. I will golf when I want to. I will ski as fast or as slow as I want to. I will read when I want and talk on the phone when I want and watch tv when I want and cry when I want. Continue reading →

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30
Sep 09

Listening

She could feel the generosity of his listening.

Rebecca Wells

Moving On — Comments Off
29
Sep 09

Anything’s Possible

I had a dream last night. Don’t panic. I’m not going to bore you with the details. But this morning, I felt a sense of hope that there might really be someone out there for me.

Accommodators are a special breed. Of course I say that, because I’m an accommodator. I think we get that way from our upbringing. We don’t think people like us or love us unless we do things for them. As long as we take care of everything, then we guarantee that we will be loved. It’s easy to see how narcissists prey on accommodators. It’s a match made in heaven. Accommodators need to please/serve/give and narcissists need to receive and be served. If the accommodator manages to serve, all the while admiring and complimenting the narcissist, well that’s even better. That’s why those relationships appear to work well. From an outsider’s perspective, it seems that both partners are getting what they want. That is until the narcissist determines that the accommodator isn’t performing up to standard, isn’t giving enough, or isn’t serving quickly enough.

I have to learn that I am just as worthy of receiving as anyone else. I will still be liked even if I am not constantly doing for others. I will be liked for who I am, not just what I can do. My mom once told me that I was so accommodating that I was annoying. I always thought the world would be a nicer place if everybody was a little more accommodating. Maybe she’s right. I’m going to work on not feeling guilty about receiving. I’m going to work on graciously letting someone do for me.

So in the dream, I’d met a man who was patient with me. He didn’t treat me like an inconvenience because of my sometimes messy life with kids. He enjoyed my company. He liked me even when he was doing things for me. And in the dream, I felt appreciated, accepted and loved. In the dream, I kept looking at this man as if he might disappear. I was stunned that he would want to be with me.

He’s out there. Somewhere. I think.

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21
Sep 09

The Challenge To Change

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

Victor Frankl

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
21
Sep 09

Forgiveness

I have one of those screensavers on my laptop that displays all the photos in My Pictures. I still have all the photos from when we lived with Mark. Others have commented that it’s a little odd that I haven’t removed them. That screensaver provides a lot of entertainment for Will and Jenny. It’s like having a whole bunch of photo albums at their fingertips. Their dad is still a huge part of their lives and they get a great deal of enjoyment out of the photos.

If it pains me to see pictures of Mark, then I haven’t moved on.

The other day I walked by the laptop and saw a nice photo of Mark with one of the kids. I thought how sad it is that he misses out on the day-to-day stuff with Will and Jen. As an accommodator, it is easy to lose sleep over stuff like that. That’s why it took me so long to leave.

I felt sorry for Mark over many issues. I felt sorry for him because of his upbringing. I felt sorry for him because of the distance between himself and the rest of his family. Was I going to feel sorry for him for the rest of my life? Naturally, there was a point when I was too mad to feel sorry. But mostly, it is sad that NPD prevents him from really knowing his kids. NPD prevents him from having any healthy relationships.

There is so much written about forgiveness. We’ve heard it all about how the only one who is hurt when you hold a grudge is yourself. Continue reading →

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19
Sep 09