It wasn’t because I was on my second glass of liquid courage.
It wasn’t because my kids were milling about and I was trying to lead by example.
It wasn’t because I’d been reading The Inner Pulse, by Marc Siegel.
It was because I wrote of this very thing in Seeing My Path.
I inherently believe that I can’t change others.
I do believe change can begin with me. Continue reading →
I stop at the top of the hill and yell for them to keep going. I want to watch them.
I plant my poles, snug my hat down a bit and wrap my arms around myself to block the chill.
The temperature hovers at 10 degrees. It’s beautiful windless cold – the crisp blue of a winter sky when the light makes edges sharp.
I take a mitten off to wipe my nose.
I quick jam my hand back in the mitten and tuck thumbs into the finger sides to soak up the warmth generated by many. Thumbs have it tough. They can’t generate enough heat all by their lonesome. They need company to have any shot at getting warm. Continue reading →
Dear Santa,
I hope this letter finds you and Mrs. Claus feeling healthy, happy and optimistic about the New Year. Please know how much I appreciate the way you spread good cheer and lighten the mood in our little home.
I bought myself boots this year, Santa, so I’m covered. I’m being presumptuous, I know, but I wonder if you could see to it that our friends on the blog get some good things this year.
I’m sure you’ve noticed that they always put their own needs and wants last. Perhaps you could put them at the top of your list this year.
Thank you, Santa. I don’t have to tell you how deserving they are. Best wishes to you and Mrs. Claus.
__________
Merry Christmas friends.
Thanks for all your kind wishes this year.
With their pinkies pointing at my face, they backed me up against the kitchen counter saying, “Pinky swear you aren’t the one bringing us presents on Christmas morning! Pinky swear to it!”
What could I do?
I could have continued the charade. I’ve come up with some pretty clever lines over the years – lines that have let my kids keep believing, but how much longer should I keep lying?
And because the Universe always brings me what I need, when I need it most, I’d read this post earlier in the day, and was a bit prepared.
Over a dinner of grilled ham and cheese and homemade apple pie, I answered questions – lots of questions. Continue reading →
It would be the closest I’d get to being a real Santa Elf. I was thirteen and my brother eleven. Through the family grapevine, we were selected to help the Cookie Lady.
When were arrived, she was wearing a purple flowered frilly apron that belied her drill sergeant attitude. She greeted us with a tight smile, and handed us plain white restaurant-style aprons.
She wasn’t the wrap-her-arm-around-you, mushy grandma who pinches your cheeks kind of woman. She was all business. This was her big event of the year, and she had a system.
I remember feeling intimidated by her fancy house, her proper language, her tall, upright posture and her reputation. It was a privilege to be invited to help, but scary as hell.
After a minimal amount of “How are yous” and formalities, she delivered the instructions. Continue reading →
Call it gratitude, thanks, or appreciation.
Blessings come in many shapes and sizes.
I am grateful for many things every day, but today I am especially grateful for these blessings.
Happy Thanksgiving, dear friends!
Through tears she asked, “How come he says other kids do things well, but he can’t say that about me? How come he doesn’t think I’m great? What do I have to do to get him to say those things about me?”
Will turned to me and said, “Mom, you have to call him. Tell him! Tell him he needs to say that stuff about Jenny. Tell him it hurts Jen’s feelings when he brags about other kids and doesn’t talk about what Jen does. Call him!”
I asked Will to hand Jenny a kleenex.
“Honey, I can call your dad if that’s what you want. I can talk to him about this – again. If you think that will help you to feel better, I’ll do it.”
She wiped her tears and said, “It never does any good. It never makes a difference. He won’t change. He doesn’t hear us. What’s the point?” Continue reading →
For what it’s worth, the following is a list of pearls – advice I’ve received over the last so many years.
Some was delivered by a caring family member or a dear friend.
Some was gleaned from a magazine article or a self-help book.
Some was uncovered while searching the internet in the wee hours.
Some was initially ignored.
These are the most useful words that I turn to when I don’t know where else to turn. These aren’t direct quotes, but paraphrases of helpful bits that have gotten us through.
*Share your favorite advice in the comments below. Let’s compile a fabulous list.
She came home from work with a story to share. She was animated and expressive. Her emotions were out in full force. She was starring in her own one-act play about an event from her day. She couldn’t wait to share it with him.
She’d always loved when he shared his stories. She knew he would give her his full attention.
She never could talk without moving her hands, and as she got wound up with the telling of the details, she was gesturing and demonstrating and waving and pointing and gasping for breaths.
He looked up from the newspaper and said,”Whoa, girl, settle down!” Continue reading →
“If you think this isn’t very hard, that’s because you have been steadily working on getting to this point this whole time.
If someone set us down in front of a block of stone and said, “Here, get going. Create a magnificent relief of a Goddess, and don’t get up until you’re done,” that would be daunting. But if that block of stone came with instructions to create a Goddess by chipping away a little each day, the project wouldn’t be quite as overwhelming.
The work we’ve done didn’t happen overnight. You didn’t just wake up and decide to get the clear picture, stand in the wind and dust on this plateau, stretch your arms and legs, fill your lungs with fresh air, and jump onto a new path.
This has been a long time in the making. Every choice and path correction has led to this point. Continue reading →
The rainbow cleared the surface of the water to get a glimpse of the full moon. It was his job to report back to the others. “Yep, it’s full. They can’t catch us for at least another 24 hours!”
The ripples set off by the splash broke the seamless reflection of the sailboat. Without a breeze, the ripples smoothed quickly and returned the cove to a dark mirror spotted by boat lights and star haze.
Up until then, we’d been wondering if that sailboat had two masts. We couldn’t tell where the boat ended and the reflection began.
In our shorts, sweatshirts and Keens, we stood arm-in-arm, gazing at the moon hiding on the other side of the trees. Their leaves were still clinging to green. Even though it was September 11th, they weren’t ready to change into yellow, orange and brown.
Not yet.
When I asked what thoughts came to their minds when standing there bathed in moonlight, they both uttered something about being thankful.
Thankful for fish caught.
Thankful for new friends made.
Thankful for trees to climb with new and old friends.
Thankful for grandparents fun enough to camp with.
Thankful for the opportunity to enjoy a warm summer night when others had to go to bed early on a school night.
Thankful for the opportunity to appreciate our simple lives when others have lost so much.
Thankful for closeness and comfort and not so much stress.
Thankful for coffee in the morning, jeans to ward off the chill, warm chocolate milk and the opportunity to catch more fish.
__________
We pointed out the constellations that tried to stand out against the bright light of the moon. We knew some of the names and made up the others.
As we turned to walk back and tuck in for the night, we acknowledged the date. For a brief moment we felt awkward in our gratitude.
Was it enough to be thankful?
Should we do more?
And then we heard the splash. The rainbow cleared the surface again. We turned in time to see the ripples sending a code that said, “Come back tomorrow. Catch me if you can.”
It turns out that he wasn’t wearing a Kevlar Vest after all.
She thought that was it. She thought that was the reason that she couldn’t get close to him.
She was mistaken.
__________
They met several more times on the playground, played some games that neither of them knew the rules for, and ate more strawberries. Continue reading →
If I could manage to keep them from putting that 6 week-old Pomeranian puff ball with irresistible brown eyes in my arms, I’d be fine.
They cradled him like a newborn. They sprinkled Johnny Jump-Ups on his back. They cooed at him and loved him up.
And then the pleading started.
“Mom, he won’t get too big.” Continue reading →
An excerpt from Seeing My Path.
… I remind myself that all the structures in my life have been created by me.
The structures are determined by my relationships and my role in those relationships. The structures dictate where I go.
I think of the structures as guard rails that keep me on the path I’m traveling.
. . .
The structure prevented me from moving closer to who I was supposed to be.
On this plateau, with the sun warming my face, I can see – far down below – a maze of high walls. The walls are the structure I thought I needed to guarantee love and acceptance. They funneled me in the direction of pleasing others, helping others, and putting myself last.
What if I made the decision to raze those walls and create a new structure?
What if I trusted that love would come to me if I allowed myself to follow a path that didn’t put everyone else first?
Could it be that each step in the direction of my true self might bring me more strength and more love?
Then I heard myself having a conversation with… well… myself.
*To read more about how my choices and structures led to my marrying a narcissist, how I lost myself, changed course and finally got headed in my right direction check out Seeing My Path – In and Out of a Relationship With a Narcissist.
It’s a good story with a happy ending… so far. ;)
