love « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: love

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 6 Comments
6
Aug 11

Delicious Beginnings and a Red Wagon

“Remember when we were a kid and didn’t care? Do you remember back before we worried if our ears were too big, whether we talked too much, if our eyebrows were too caterpillar-like, or if our arms and legs were too long and skinny?

Can you remember a time before we started to think there was something wrong with us?

Let’s be that kid pulling a red wagon full of hopes, dreams and lessons to be learned.

Let’s be that kid before she’s hardened by disappointments, dashed hopes and unfulfilled dreams.

Let‘s be that kid before she lets the doubts change her opinion of herself – before she began to believe the criticisms or hurtful comments from others.

Let‘s be the kid who believed she could do anything and thought she was lovable and likeable and a joy to be around.

Can you imagine anyone not wanting to be around our kids? Try to feel that way about us. We, above all, know our intrinsic goodness. We know the depth of our character.

Let’s be the kid who is proud of the stories she writes and the cakes she bakes and the pictures she draws and the forts she builds.

Love us as much as we love the kids.

Forgive our screw ups.

Believe in our intentions.

Allow us to grow into who we are.”

*Notes from a conversation with myself, on a high plateau, somewhere in the middle of Montana.

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write this book.

With grateful tears and a happy, excited heart…

Love,

Jesse

Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 9 Comments
30
Jul 11

Letting Go of the Rope

She never could get up on water skis. Oh sure, she tried.

Her dad was actually quite patient with her. She can remember the summer he drug her around the lake. He was steering the boat, looking back at her expectantly, motioning with his hands to “just pop up on those skis!”

She swallowed a lot of water. She kept getting in the lake and trying.

She just couldn’t do it.

Maybe she didn’t really want to water ski. Everybody else said they loved water skiing. She should probably love water skiing, too. That’s what everybody did in the summer. Continue reading →

Random Observations — 20 Comments
24
Jul 11

Dear 27-Year-Olds

hang-on

Hey you!

Hang on.

This isn’t all there is.

If it feels thick and slow and hard to breathe, that’s because it often feels that way – especially right now. That thick feeling is offset by another feeling… of lightness.

That lightness comes if you let it – if you don’t try to attach to it. Don’t cling to the lightness out of fear. Let it come and go. Trust that when the lightness leaves, it will also return.

___________

There are glimpses of understanding.

Sometimes it all makes sense.

Go out under the moon and catch your breath.

Walk by yourself in a Spring rain and get soaked. Smell your skin and the wet earth and listen to the grass grow.

You will see that it makes sense.

Let a newborn baby wrap its tender hand around your calloused finger. Feel the energy in that tiny hand.

That makes sense.

The hardness makes sense, for without it, there is no appreciation for ease.

__________

Show us who you are. What are you hiding from? If you won’t let us see you, how can we come to know you and love you.

Open yourself up to the possibility of being loved for who you are – flaws and all. We all have them.

Ask for a hand, because we are all here for no other reason than to support and nurture each other.

Can you let another nurture you?

You don’t have to be so tough.

Let us see you.

Let us know you.

You deserve to be loved for who you are.

__________

Hang on.

It gets sweeter.

There is joy to be found in a morning spent pulling weeds or a night spent falling asleep on the couch getting lost in a book.

There is good spaghetti yet to eat.

There are children to watch grow and hikes to take.

There are flowers to be picked and friends to be made.

There is good wine to share.

There are mountains of buttery popcorn to be devoured while sitting in a dark theater next to your best friend watching a new summer blockbuster in air conditioning when it’s 98 degrees outside.

There will be phone calls from old friends who miss you.

There will be bright spots right around the corner.

Hang on.

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 14 Comments
11
Jul 11

It’s Good To Have Friends

good-friend On my third hike up the hill I was breathing hard, wiping the back of my neck and wondering why I wasn’t sitting on the front step with a cup of coffee.

Then she darted out from the tall yellow wildflowers. Startled, I said, “What are you doing here? Are you walking the hill with me?” She meowed and took the lead – for a bit.

She didn’t block my route, and I didn’t block hers. When the path was wide enough, we walked side-by-side.

We I chatted and talked of the flowers and the wide river and the scent of sage in the air. I told her it was nice to see her and that her presence made my walking more enjoyable and less of a chore.

Then she let me take the lead. We walked over the short flowers and around the tall ones, and when we got to the top she stopped and meowed. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 4 Comments
11
Jun 11

Nothing Says Love Like a Bowl of Rice Krispies

rice-creepies Love isn’t grand gestures, flowery platitudes, or mountains of toys. Love doesn’t require self-sacrifice on the part of the giver. Love doesn’t demand service from the recipient.

Love is an accumulation of many little acts.

A warm lap to land on at the end of a crazy day.
A look in the eyes that tells them, “I know you. I understand why you feel this way. I will listen.”
A warm “chocolate milky” every morning, and the ability to ask for a little more chocolate without making mom mad.
Watching the 9,000th kick flip and yelling encouragement.
A safe big bed when the shadows on the wall look like ghosts.
Knowing that she likes less peanut butter and more jam.
Knowing that he dips absolutely everything in barbecue sauce.
A readiness to answer questions, no matter the time or the lack of answers.
Catching his eye at the skate park and mouthing the words, “Olive Juice.”
Knowing that each of them has different signs that indicate that they are hungry or stressed or tired or over-the-moon happy.
Allowing them to be who they are without judgments or expectations.
A note on her pillow saying she’s the most talented girl I know.
Pouring a bowl of cereal every morning, and tucking them in every night.

Random Observations / Recipes — 14 Comments
29
May 11

Asparagus and Cappuccino

He fed her the most tender, slightly salted sprigs of asparagus. Each bite tasted like Spring.

He’d shown her how to snap the ends, rather than using a knife. He left the thin shoots in the pan of boiling water just long enough to turn bright green. He drained them and ran cold water over them and placed them on a towel to dry. He said that when they were cooked and chilled, just so, they wouldn’t need butter.

He was right.

He’d also introduced her to the ritualistic steps of making a good cappuccino without the hissing and drips and mess of some new-fangled machine. He slowly warmed whole milk in a saucepan. As the milk warmed he made strong coffee in a French Press. He put a teaspoon-full of sugar in the bottom of a sturdy mug. Just before he poured the dark coffee and hot milk together into the mug, he whisked the steaming milk to a froth.

They sat across from each other, at the tiny two-person kitchen table next to the window, in the cramped little apartment he shared with a roommate, who was – conveniently – never there.

He never made her feel like she was uncultured or inexperienced. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 29 Comments
13
May 11

On Antiperspirant and Aha Moments

dandelions She’d just walked in the back door from checking on the neighbor’s dog. Time to start baking treats for the church banquet and making calls to beg for donations for the school fundraiser, in between loads of laundry. She had the T.V. on for background noise, even though she didn’t have time to watch anything.

Her Aha Moment was delivered by the Power of Oprah, as so many Aha Moments are, these days.

She paused long enough to lean against the kitchen counter, a spatula in one hand, cell phone in the other. She ignored the sound of the dryer buzzer while she let Oprah’s message sink in.

She would be turning 50 soon, and she finally realized that she’d spent her entire life in a flurry of activity trying to please, make nice, and earn love, all because she never really felt love coming from her mom.

After taking the clothes out of the drying, and de-panning the rest of the chocolate chip cookies, she sent me an email. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 17 Comments
4
May 11

Three Candles

candles-before They’d been walking hand-in-hand down the sunny side of Main Street. She stopped in front of a window displaying candles, flower arrangements, leather-bound journals, potpourri sachets and tiny jars of hand creams. Just then the door opened and they were enveloped by floral and citrus scents, sandalwood and patchouli.

Against his resistance, she pulled him inside the boutique. She’d eyed these tiny clear blue votive holders. They spoke to her of honesty, purity, timelessness, commitment and truth – all the things she believed she felt in this relationship with this man holding her hand. They were a symbol of this new life full of promise and light.

She had to have them.

She could see herself – at the end of a day – lighting these candles to remind her of how lucky they were to find each other. These candles would bring them close together at those times when life would get in the way and try to drag them apart. These lit candles would be the glue that held them together.

She was sure that some nights he would light the candles for her or, at the very least, he’d light them with her. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 17 Comments
30
Apr 11

Middle-Of-The-Night Musings

night-light Jenny can’t fall asleep unless she leaves her lamp on. (We’re working on that.) I usually wake somewhere in the night, stumble down the hall, reach over her sweet, eyelash-framed face and quietly turn off the lamp.

Last night was no different. And because I also had to pee, I mistakenly looked in the bathroom mirror.

Here’s the first thing that popped into my head:

“God. Do something with that hair.”

Then it was, “Can’t you find some better looking pajamas?”

Followed quickly by, “When are you gonna buy some of those whitening strips? Everyone else is walking around with luminescent teeth. What’s your problem?”

I turned off the light, crawled back in bed, and after letting out a long sigh, I thought…

“Give It A Rest!

Let this woman be.

Can’t you see she’s trying?

It’s the middle of the night! Can you let up on her for one minute? Why do you always have to find the negative? How about saying something kind, for a change?”

And then my brain took a turn in a completely new direction.

This is where it went…

Stop those mean thoughts. Right now.
Find something you like about yourself, and – at the risk of being narcissistic – think on that for awhile.
If that doesn’t work, treat yourself the way you treat the kids – except for the way you treated Jen the other day when you yelled at her out of anger and frustration at yourself, because you were wallowing in feeling pudgy and ugly, and exhausted from dragging yourself up the last year in this decade of the 40s.
Sink back into those pillows, get some sleep for this body that could be worse, and greet the morning without the usual angst and toxicity that follows that first cup of coffee.
Go outside and breathe some fresh air.
Go for a walk.
Smile at yourself.
Then get in the car and get some of those whitening strips and some Monster Spray for the Lady With The Mean Voice.

Question: Are survivors of narcissistic relationships more critical of themselves than the average hyper-critical, magazine-reading, teeth-whitening-strip-using, hair-obsessed, muffin-top-fighting, but still lovable, kindhearted woman? Or are we all this mean to ourselves?

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Opportunistic / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 18 Comments
25
Apr 11

I Hate Holidays

easter-egg As I walked through Target looking for something to get the kids for Easter, I passed the poofy, over-the-top Easter Dresses. I remember getting a couple Easter Dresses for Jenny.

She didn’t wear them to church.

She wore them in the garden while digging for worms.

She didn’t really need an Easter Dress. I needed to be able to buy her one. I needed to be able to take a picture of my little girl in a frilly, crinoline-stuffed, white dress, with a pink satin ribbon tied at her tiny waist.

That dress and the picture were on my list – the long, guilt-driven, impossible-to-achieve list of All Things Moms Do. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 16 Comments
16
Apr 11

Playing For Keeps

faux pearl cuff “There’s no such thing as certainty.”

“Take it one day at a time.”

“People grow and change.”

“Forever is for Twinkies and the winter of 2010-2011.”

“There are no guarantees in life.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 8 Comments
3
Mar 11

Playing the Part of the Stand-In

This morning’s Twitter stream included a tweet from @AlisaBowman:

Today’s Mantra: I am the star of my own life. I play a supporting role in the lives of others.

Her tweet was the cold shower I needed this morning. It was the wake-up call that I’ve been ignoring, or another 2×4 to the side of my head.

After reading Bowman’s tweet, I gave serious thought to my relationship history. I thought of the role I play in my own life, and in the lives of those closest to me. I have mastered the role of the supporting actress in my romantic relationships. The minute I fall in love, I willingly assume the role of CEO of Support.

If he needs me to bolster his confidence, remind him of his talents, say the right words in the middle of the night to allay his fears, clear his calendar for those important seminars, provide timely servicing to help deal with his stress, shine his shoes or gas up the car, I am the girl.

Meanwhile, I take a quick glance back at my life only to see that the lead role is left vacant. I occasionally make an appearance as stand-in, but I haven’t been starring in my own life.

There was an actress in that role at one point. I knew her several years ago. I’ve seen glimpses of her recently, but she’s yet to completely inhabit the role of lead actress in her own motion picture. She acts the part of mom real well. She’s all-consumed by that role, but she hasn’t fleshed out the rest of her character.

When I read Bowman’s tweet I realized that I’ve been so busy supporting others, I forgot to be the lead in my own life.

I want my shoes shined, and my passions encouraged, and my fears allayed, and my tank filled. I want to know what it’s like to support myself, as much as I’ve supported others. I want to know what it’s like to get top billing. I want to roll out the red carpet for myself, for a change.

If this has to be a one-woman show, then so be it.

**Bowman’s site is Project Happily Ever After, a treasure-trove of proven ideas for helping troubled marriages.

Random Observations / Recipes / Tools — 3 Comments
1
Mar 11

Goulash, Good Books and Colin Firth

red-pot My grandma called it goulache (goo-lah-key). She didn’t use paprika like they do in a genuine Hungarian Goulash. My version is more of a whatever’s-in-the-kitchen-pantry variety. It’s a take on spaghetti sauce only the vegies are chunkier and the sauce is wetter. I always make a big batch so as to have some to put in the freezer. It’s great to have extra on hand for ski days or those days when I’m not wanting to go to the store, which happens to be just about every day.

Goulash is my ultimate comfort food. Since Winter doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to turn to Spring, I’m fixing Goulash and reading by the fire.

To the kids, I’m reading more in the Merlin series – The Seven Songs of Merlin, by T. A. Barron.

For my own enjoyment I picked up a copy of Molly Ringwald’s, Getting the Pretty Back. It’s light and funny; she references lots of the stuff from my high school days; and she doesn’t take herself too seriously – just what this weather calls for. Reading her book is like spending the day at the spa with a girlfriend, sipping lattes, and then wrapping up the day with wine, dinner, freshly painted toes and a cheerier outlook.