Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter.
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.I don’t want to sit on the floor, dress Barbies or have a Barbie Day at the Beach. I don’t want to impale little squiggly worms on hooks, remove scaly, slimy fish from the same hooks, or clean fish goo out from under my fingernails. I’d rather not play Mexican Train right now. I’d rather not measure the height of a skateboard jump.
Don’t get me wrong. Some days I do enjoy those things. Most days I get into playing with Barbies or talking skateboarding – in small doses. I don’t want to all the time, but I love the interaction with my kids.
There are plenty of grown-up things I could be doing right now.
And none of them are as important as my role as parent.
The demands of my role will change dramatically. Some day, all too soon, my kids won’t turn to me first to play ‘Go Fish’, ask me to sit next to them on the couch to watch TV, or flop over my lap for a back tickle. Continue reading →
Today is the first birthday of this blog. I prefer to think of it as a birthday, rather than an anniversary, since this blog has been so much like another child for me.
And what a first year.
I spent a good portion of the year writing about the day-to-day business of living with a narcissist. I hoped my efforts would help others see what they might also be dealing with. In the process, I was able to see where I had been, and how I needed to help myself and my kids.
I wrote about the tools we developed along the way that helped us with the hurts and frustrations that come from trying to understand a narcissist.
I included quotes that helped me see the big picture. The quotes served as good words to motivate me when I felt the most hopeless. Continue reading →
I remember the first time she was placed in my arms. Even though I was weakened and exhausted from the process, I remember thinking that I’d never felt stronger. I felt empowered to completely love and protect her with everything I had. Nothing could stop me from creating the best possible environment so that she’d have the healthiest life.
I remember her scent, her warmth, her steely charcoal eyes, her long legs and tiny fingers. I remember the dark, matted curls at the base of her tiny head.
My heart expanded to hold all the love I felt for her, to the point where I feared my heart might burst.
I felt more love than I thought possible.
Before she was born, I was afraid that since I showered so much love on Will, I would not have the same amount of love for Jenny. The day Jen was born, I learned that I have an infinite amount of love. Continue reading →
What are we doing here?
What is the goal?
Why the struggle?
Does any of this matter?
What should I be doing differently? Continue reading →
“You mean, simply by following my path, I will have complete confidence in everything I say? I’ll spew wise words, funny tidbits, and wow everyone at cocktail parties? All I have to do is be true to myself, show the world who I am, and I’ll never embarrass myself again?”
“It’s not like that. Although that would be nice. It’s not about suddenly becoming a sage with a great sense of comedic timing. It’s about speaking from the place of knowing who you are, having a good heart, and sharing that with the world. It’s about trusting your intentions.
Yes, you are going to say ridiculous things. You probably will still be the type who speaks before the filters have kicked in. The point is that you are speaking authentically. You aren’t couching your words to please another. You won’t be sizing up the audience to try to determine what they would most like to hear.
You will be offering up what is in your heart and mind. Some words will be wise. Some words will be funny. Some words will undoubtedly be stupid.
But they will be your words. Continue reading →
We were standing at the coffee bar in an independently owned bookstore. The bookstore was the center of what was a farmer’s market – lots of individual booths selling candles, handcrafts, chocolates and cookies, kites, sunglasses and other things you might think you want, but you’ve managed to live without up ‘til now. The air was filled with the happy Saturday buzz that comes from relaxed people who aren’t rushing to work or appointments.
We had been chatting about what new book we wanted to check out when the female barista came to take our drink order. He gave her his most engaging smile, and she seemed to melt under his gaze.
And for what seemed like the millionth time, I felt those familiar pangs. The strings attached to my heart were yanked, and I felt a palpable twinge – that twinge I get every time he smiles at someone (a woman) other than me. I stood there, watching their exchange, telling myself, “For God’s sake, he’s just ordering coffee. He’s not asking her to jump in the sack.”
But the pangs intensified.
I tried to talk my heart into relaxing. I tried to explain to my heart that a lifetime of insecurities has created this habit of flinching every time the person I love devotes attention to any female other than me. Continue reading →
Last night I went to my 30th high school reunion. I had a great time, even though I thought I might have to pull my car to the side of the road and throw up on the way there. All the insecurities I dealt with 30 years ago seemed to bubble to the surface, as my car approached the tavern where the event was held.
It was fun.
I’m glad it’s over.
Note to high school reunion planners: Continue reading →
I would classify myself as someone who doesn’t follow rules well. However, I am not a rule breaker. There’s a difference. A rule breaker intentionally sets out to take an action that flies in the face of a particular rule. I have a tendency to dance around rules, skirt them, avoid them, or even go so far as to pretend to follow, while all the while completely ignoring a rule.
I’m not talking about stringent rules like stopping at stop signs, filing taxes by April 15th, paying bills on time and brushing my teeth twice a day. I’m talking about societal rules that we take for granted – rules that are designed to help us all live together and cooperate – rules that direct conduct and behavior.
I don’t like writing on lined paper. Lined paper reminds me of my third grade teacher, hands on hips, nagging us to keep our writing between the lines. I prefer a clear blank sheet of paper, where letters are free to stretch their legs and go where they want to go.
I was explaining to Will that it is important to make eye contact with people when you are engaged in conversation. He said, “I can hear what they are saying, why do I have to look at them, if it makes me uncomfortable?” My explanation was that society expects this kind of behavior. People (not all cultures, but many) believe that if you aren’t looking at them when you are conversing, then you aren’t paying attention. Will said, “But what if I’m not comfortable with that?” And I heard myself say, “Well, honey, I guess you have to make yourself uncomfortable, so as to show respect to the person you are talking to.”
Huh? Continue reading →
Oh happy day!
Stan and Rose tied the knot today!
I’ve been writing on this blog for almost a year. I remember the day I received my first comment. “Will! Jenny! Someone actually commented on my blog! They liked my blog enough to comment. Someone read what I wrote! You guys! Isn’t that crazy/weird/awesome/scary/fantastic?”
And then I felt self-conscious. I’m not sure why it didn’t occur to me to be self-conscious prior to receiving that first comment. But a comment does mean that someone actually read the blog, rather than some sort of spambot stopping by and doing whatever it is spambots do.
And then I received another comment.
These comments were from complete strangers. There were people out there, that I didn’t know, and they were reading and taking the time to send encouraging words back.
It felt great. Better than great. Continue reading →
Have you ever had stuff in storage? Do you pay monthly rent on a storage unit? Do you stuff boxes in an attic or on a garage shelf only to forget what is in the box, and then have to dig through to reacquaint yourself with your own belongings?
On June 23rd I put most of my life in storage. That’s an analogy. I didn’t really box everything up, label the boxes with a Sharpie, stuff the boxes on the highest shelf and turn the key on a lock that would keep ‘my stuff’ safe.
I had recently switched how my little house gained access to the internet, tried to limit how much we watched TV, and ditched the landline. I was attempting to save us some money, while still allowing us access to the things we love and can learn from, without the possibility of turning little impressionable minds into jello with all the stuff we’d been watching on TV.
On June 23rd, we were ten days into our new internet plan, and we’d surpassed our allotted budget of internet usage by $100. Yep. I didn’t do a real great job on my homework. This new plan didn’t account for how much we use the internet for learning, video streaming, Googling interesting videos on the best dogs for kids, how to design fashions for Barbie, or even watching The Jetsons.
It was a bozo move on my part. Continue reading →
