Posts Tagged: marriage


6
Jan 11

Solving a Mystery

This morning I was getting ready to put the finishing touches on a  post about boundaries.  I’d been convinced that things were going well with Mark because we had put some boundaries in place that protected us from hurts, while allowing for a modicum of a relationship with Mark.

He has been quite pleasant.

In the back of my mind, I’d been wondering if it’s really about boundaries.

Everything I’ve read about narcissists would indicate that a narcissist doesn’t respect boundaries.  A narcissist goes through life looking for a source.  Boundaries be damned.  A narcissist doesn’t respect the needs of others, therefore, it would stand to reason that a narcissist would completely ignore any boundaries that a source might set.

I wanted to be able to explain this turn of events. Continue reading →


27
Dec 10

On Breathing Easier and the Battle Ax in the Middle of the Night

apronAt 2:00 a.m., those voices in my head can be pretty loud.

I don’t know who let the battle ax into my bedroom.  She was holding  a cast iron skillet.  I don’t know if the skillet is her trademark, or if she was planning on hitting me with it.  Her hair held spongy pink rollers.  Over her mom-jeans, she wore a food-stained apron in a cherry print that barely stretched over her ample hips.

I’m sure her middle name is Guilt.  Her last name is Doubt.  First name is Jesse.

She barked at me for taking my kids out of public school.  She lectured me for wanting so damn much out of a relationship.  She snarled at me about my choices and the direction I’m heading.

With one hand on her hip, she started her relentless pestering.  “Everyone else seems content to be in a so-so relationship.  Why do you think you deserve to be any happier than anyone else?  Hello, Missy, this is happy.  Look around you.  Everyone is coupled up, and they go about their business just fine.  How much time do they spend worrying about being happy?” Continue reading →


14
Dec 10

Spritz Cookies and Other Customs

spritz-cookiesWe made Spritz Cookies on Sunday.  They’re my favorite Christmas Cookie, and my brother’s, too.  And now, they are Jenny’s favorite.

Forever, the tradition has been to only have Spritz at Christmas.  They are special, and they should be saved for a special time of year.

A couple years ago, Jenny asked, “Mom, can we make Spritz other times of the year?”

I started to tell her that Spritz were only made at Christmastime and that is what we do, but I stopped myself. I couldn’t think of a good reason for not making them other times of the year.

I don’t have good china, but I think it must be like using your china for special occasions, and then realizing you hardly ever pull out the china, or the good silverware or the fancy linens or the other special stuff. Continue reading →


30
Nov 10

On Divorce

winter-riverWhen two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they
‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at last,
begun to.
Helen Rowland

 

 


28
Nov 10

Rescuing Her Heart

the-wooden-boxShe pinned the boutonniere to her grandfather’s lapel and walked him out to the backyard.  His seat was in the front row of chairs under the canopy.  It wasn’t the kind of wedding where the guests or groom weren’t allowed to see the bride before the ceremony.  In fact, the bride had been scurrying around taking care of last minute details while dressed in the batiste gown she’d made and embroidered.

This had to be a cost-effective wedding, or there would be no wedding at all.

The groom hadn’t actually proposed to the bride.  Years later, when learning about narcissism, she would read that narcissists rarely propose.  It was beneath them.

__________

They had lived together for about a year, bought a home and settled into a comfortable lifestyle.  Getting married was a default move.  It made sense.  It was expected.  She assumed they’d marry one day.  He didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about getting married.  When she pressed, he usually said something like, “Well… I’m fine with it all as long as it isn’t a big production, doesn’t cost me a lot, or interrupt my work schedule. Continue reading →


26
Nov 10

The Three of Us

4-rocksThere’s a post rolling around in my head.  I keep trying to avoid it.   It’s going to make me write it.  It’s about why I believe divorce is the only way to survive a relationship with a narcissist.

I’m going to have to dig a little deeper.

That post is going to require a lot from me.

In the meantime, Jenny drew these faces on rocks.

They made me smile.  They made me think about the three of us, and how there used to be four of us.

 


family-of-3

 

Now there are three with – brighter smiles, intact spirits and happier souls.

 


14
Nov 10

Can It Be?

fingers-crossedThey hadn’t seen him in three weeks.  On Friday night, they spent over five hours with him.  When they walked in the door, at the end of the night, I did a quick scan to check for rapid blinking, slumped shoulders, nervous pacing or shell-shocked expressions.

Nothing.

Will and Jen spoke animatedly about the event they attended.  They talked of what they’d had for dinner and the stories shared.  They spoke of the folks they saw.

They didn’t mention the  baby voice, or the martyr tone.  There was nothing about being overly embarrassed – other than the typical ways that all parents embarrass their kids.  Nothing about hurt feelings, or insults, or critiques about hair, dress or table manners.

__________ Continue reading →


11
Nov 10

A Whispered Update

tracksYesterday marked three weeks since the Wednesday morning meeting with Mark.

During the last three weeks, the kids have received one email, and several (not daily) phone calls from Mark.  The calls have varied from short and terse, to lengthy and pleasant.  Mark has not pressured them to see him.  They have not asked to see him.

They have returned his calls when he has asked them to do so in a message.

They have not called of their own accord.

The mood in our house, is light and without pressure. Continue reading →


22
Oct 10

Permission To Move On

The Universe wrapped her arm around me Wednesday evening.  I felt her warm breath on my ear.

This is what I heard her say:

“Listen, Honey, you’ve done a fine job.  I’m proud of you for doing your best.  I know this was hard for you.  You got through to him as much as you possibly can.  He’s injured, Dear, and you can’t do anything about it.  You knew that when you married  him, and you know that now.

You can rest easy in the knowledge that you have done as much as you possibly can.  I don’t expect any more from you.  Now you must focus your energies on caring for yourself and your children.  You have avoided the negativity as long as you could.  You tried tenderness and compassion.

It’s time for you to move on.”

__________ Continue reading →


21
Oct 10

When To Be Done

How long should you try?  Until.
Jim Rohn

 

 

 


20
Oct 10

The Thing Is…

The thing is… he didn’t physically abuse me.  He didn’t drink or gamble or spend every weekend golfing or hunting or fishing. He didn’t cheat on me.  At least I never had concrete proof that he cheated on me, unless I count his on-going affair with himself.

The thing is… he didn’t particularly like me.  But then the world is populated with lots of married couples who don’t like each other.

The thing is… he didn’t embrace the whole having a baby thing.  But lots of guys aren’t interested in going to doctor visits, listening to heart beats or shopping for onsies.  I suppose, too, that lots of guys don’t want their wives to breast feed.  Lots of guys don’t enjoy giving their babies a bath or reading to them every night.

The thing is… he didn’t listen to me when I  told him I was frightened that our marriage was failing.  But then I assumed that all guys hate the idea of  going to counseling.  When I cried and told him that I was lonely living in his house, and that I was afraid that he wasn’t connecting with me or the kids, he said I had problems.

He told me I was depressed, and that I needed to see someone. Continue reading →


1
Oct 10

I’m Not Crazy

You can’t stand that sound anymore.  It’s driving you crazy.  The car has been making a noise – a thudda-thudda-ping sound.  It’s been making that sound for awhile.  The kids hear it over their arguments about which radio station to tune in.  Your mom has heard it when you take her to lunch.  The guy at the gas station has heard it.  The neighbors heard it.

So you take it to a mechanic.   He drives it around the block and says, “Ma’am, cars make noises.   You can’t drive a car and not expect it to make a noise.  I’m the expert, I know how cars sound.  Your car is fine.  This is what you should expect.  Here are your keys.”

You start to say, “But, no, really.  I can hear it.  It sounds like this.  It’s making that sound all the time.  You really don’t know.  You have to hear it.”

He loses patience and says, “Ma’am, cars are noisy.  Have a good day.”

You get back in the car, and it makes the thudda-thudda-ping sound again, as you drove away in search of a new mechanic. Continue reading →


21
Sep 10

Trying Not To Get Burned

fireWill’s genetic coding includes a large dose of pyrotechnics. He was interested in matches at an early age. Because I liked living with a roof over my head, I opted to teach him about matches when he first asked. I figure the more kids have their curious natures addressed, the more they’ll learn, and the less potential problems we’ll have. Better he learn about matches while I’m with him, than while he’s sneaking around by himself in the garage, surrounded by gas cans and lighter fluid.

I’ll go out on a limb and suggest that most boys are fascinated by fire.

To this day, Jenny has not lit a match.  I’ve asked if she might be interested.  I have suggested that she even light her birthday candles.

She and I are a lot alike, we like a cozy fire, we don’t feel the need to light it.

I will admit that I have added fuel to fires – literally and figuratively.  When it comes to Mark, I don’t try to light anything on purpose.  I don’t call to rag on him.  I don’t send him nasty emails.  I don’t stop by his business to make a scene in front of his employees.  I want to avoid the chaos and the fire. Continue reading →


2
Sep 10

The Great Escape

still pondI’m looking out on the pond.  The tall grasses framing the pond barely sway.  The butterflies dance from the tips of the grasses and occasionally dip to skim the surface of the water.  The pond is so calm it is difficult to discern where the grass meets its reflection.  The quiet is heavy in a comforting, secure way.   I feel safe and serene and untouchable.

The kids are content.  There are frogs to catch and fish to fry.  The dog begs to play.  The forest beckons to be explored.

All of this won’t last.  We will have to go home.

I foolishly believed that by divorcing Mark, I’d be able to escape his bizarre treatment.  I thought the kids would be spared his picking and annexing.

The truth is that while we don’t deal with Mark on a daily basis, we can’t completely escape from any kind of relationship with him. We can’t avoid the fact that Mark is Jenny and Will’s dad.  We can’t stop the visits altogether.  We endure the visits by comforting ourselves with the knowledge that each visit comes to an end.  He will not be tucking the kids in bed at night. Continue reading →


23
Aug 10

Lawyers, Attorneys and Bears – Oh My!

Mark is contesting the parenting schedule – the schedule that he authored.  At the time of our divorce. he penned a parenting schedule with all kinds of flexibility to accommodate his work and play schedules.  I was quick to accept because I knew he wouldn’t demand to see them much.

Apparently that isn’t serving his “need” to see his children more.

He wants to see them every other weekend, every Wednesday, his birthday and some holidays.

No mention of the kids’ birthdays.

No mention of assisting with home schooling. Continue reading →