narcissism « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: narcissism

You Tell Me

So…

I received what I thought was a spam comment, only I wasn’t sure. It/he/she said, “I can’t view your site from my phone. Help!” So I got to looking and checking on plugins and upgrades and CSS stuff. I even considered pursuing a degree in Computer Software or How to Pretend Like You Know What You Are Doing With Computers, and then I thought I’d ask you.

Would you like to be able to view this site on your phone?

What would you like to see here?

Is there a subject you’d like to see discussed?

Are there topics or discussions that you’d like to see more of?

I am loving my random approach to topics, but I always go back to thinking of the survivors out there and the ones who read here. I want to continue to share the tools that have helped the three of us.

If there’s something that you’d like to see here, that you think would help your corner of the world, please list that in the comment section below.

Thank you, spammer or nice person or whatever you are for asking about how to view this blog on your phone.

One day I might be savvy enough, or even care to want to view a blog on my phone. Don’t hold your breath. I’d have to wrestle my phone away from Will, first.

In the meantime, thank you for reading, commenting, and recommending this blog to your friends. This site only gets richer if more take part in the sharing.

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 24 Comments
16
May 11

A Charmed Life

skater-dude The front door flew open. I looked up just in time to see him toss his helmet on the couch. “Mom! You got the house phone, right? Did dad call?”

“Not yet, Will. You sent a bunch of texts and a couple voice mails. He must be busy. He’ll get back to you.”

Against all odds, Will had invited his dad to check out the remaining snow on the ski hill. It was the sort of outing that Mark usually suggested, so there was a good chance he might consider going. In fact, Mark had said that it sounded like a good thing to do on a Sunday since he’d be done with work. Later, when Will realized what he was in for, he said, “What did I do that for? Why did I invite dad? I always think it sounds like a good idea, but it’s never that great when we actually go.”

That’s how it is for the child of a narcissist – they crave the attention of that narcissistic parent like any kid craves attention from a parent, only when they get the attention, they usually end up hurt, rejected or dismissed. Or, they get hurt when the parent doesn’t show up, even if there’s a sense of relief that they are spared another unpleasant visit. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations — 10 Comments
6
May 11

The Deer or the Tick

She dipped another bite of chicken in ketchup, and stared out the window.

I could see she was contemplating something, but I asked, “Are you going to take that bite?”

She put the fork down and got off her stool. Then, in uncharacteristic fashion, she picked up the stool and slammed it on the floor five times. She sat back down and said, “There!”

I looked at Will to gauge his reaction. This wasn’t like Jenny at all.

“Um, Jen… what was that about?”

“I’m just frustrated with dad. I’m tired of crying. Eight year old girls shouldn’t pout, it’s embarrassing, so I figured I’d slam my stool a few times. I do feel a little better, except look at all the junk on the floor from slamming the stool. Sorry about that.”

_____

I could have launched into another of my “motivating” talks about how feelings are important.

It’s good to talk about it.
I know how you feel.
What’s the funny part of this story?
Do you really want to be in a funk right now?
Let’s choose a new attitude.

blah blah blah blah blah

I’m tired of hearing myself say the same things over and over again. I have to think they are tired of hearing the same things, too.

So I acknowledged her frustrations. I let her calm herself down. I think I said something wise like, “That sucks, doesn’t it?”

We finished dinner and went outside to skateboard, draw on the sidewalk with chalk, laugh at the cat and walk the hill.

_____

The next morning we eased into home school in our most favorite way – I read a couple chapters to them.

This is the pearl we uncovered that morning:

“… your pain, like all you feel, is great. Yet I fear that instead of stepping through your pain, as you and I have stepped through many a marsh, you have let it cling to you, like the blood-thirsty tick that rides our backs for months on end.” —Eremon, the stag

an excerpt from T.A. Barron’s book, The Fires of Merlin

Therein lies the power in storytelling.

Control / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 15 Comments
28
Apr 11

Write It Down

journals Last week I got a word salad in my inbox. Whether in oral form or written form, I’ve taken to mentally and physically preparing myself before making my way through these salads. If he’s delivering the word salad to me in person, I usually prop myself up against a door frame.

History has taught me to settle in, because these can take awhile.

If the word salad is in written form, I usually make myself a fresh cup of coffee and find a comfortable chair.

Last week’s sermon was about the difficulties he was experiencing trying to get the kids stuff for Easter. Within the run-on sentences about, “I just don’t know what they like…” and “They are growing up so fast…” I found a sentence that made my blood boil.

“… I understand that they aren’t supposed to come over to my house.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Opportunistic / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 18 Comments
25
Apr 11

I Hate Holidays

easter-egg As I walked through Target looking for something to get the kids for Easter, I passed the poofy, over-the-top Easter Dresses. I remember getting a couple Easter Dresses for Jenny.

She didn’t wear them to church.

She wore them in the garden while digging for worms.

She didn’t really need an Easter Dress. I needed to be able to buy her one. I needed to be able to take a picture of my little girl in a frilly, crinoline-stuffed, white dress, with a pink satin ribbon tied at her tiny waist.

That dress and the picture were on my list – the long, guilt-driven, impossible-to-achieve list of All Things Moms Do. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homekeeping / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 5 Comments
17
Mar 11

homekeeping 7

Will is still struggling with images of ghosts entering his mind every night at bedtime. Jenny just cut five inches off her long blond hair.

I’ve been mopping up the mess as best I can.

I’m providing them with lots of distractions – there’s packing to do, new books to check out, sketch books and art supplies to gather and journals to fill.

We are leaving town in search of Spring and a new perspective.

I’m hoping some sun will warm our winter-weary bones, and heal our bruised psyches. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 Comments
15
Mar 11

Ships Have Only One Rudder

Will is a compassionate fellow with a tender, sensitive side and a fearless streak that makes him charge down ski hills at a speed that launches him into powder and shrubs and stuff that he can’t see. Occasionally he checks out the landing before he jumps, but not always.

He’s like a lot of twelve year old boys in that he’s fascinated with the unknown, the risky, the adventurous and the slightly scary. Kids thrive within the safety of boundaries – set rules of behavior, established bed times, and defined expectations. That’s why they find it exciting to step just beyond those boundaries once in awhile. It’s thrilling to tempt fate, stay up late, skip school one day or ski out of bounds and brag to your friends.

When a child has a parent who doesn’t stand firm on boundaries, that child will have a tendency to feel untethered. There will be a need to talk about boundaries. He’ll have to ask and be reassured that the boundaries haven’t changed. That kid’s foundation is tilted. They don’t have a secure knowledge that they truly know where the lines are drawn.

It’s okay to discuss the latest slasher film on the chairlift with a buddy, when at the end of the day, that kid goes home with a parent who reassures him that he is safe and protected, and that the doors are locked and the bad guys can’t get him.

It is not okay to have your dad tell horror stories in the car as the day comes to a close on the way home, only to drop you off and say, “Hey, Buddy, I’ll tell you more scary stories next time.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 38 Comments
11
Mar 11

“Honey, Your Dad Lacks Empathy”

“Oh, sweetie! You should have seen the darling little eight year old girl who wanted to dance with me at the meeting. She had long curly blond hair, and a big beautiful smile. I know her parents. She came up to me, jumped in my lap and asked me to dance with her. She was a really good dancer, too.” Mark could hardly contain himself when telling Jenny of the story of the little girl who fell in love with him.

He quickly switched gears and said, “Jenny, honey, we’re getting ready to go. Shouldn’t you find socks that match? Let’s go look in your dresser drawer to see if we can find two socks that match.”

“Daddy, you told me to hurry, so I just grabbed the first two socks I saw. I’m wearing boots, Daddy. No one will see that my socks don’t match.”

“Isn’t that funny that you wear mismatched socks. Did you brush your hair today?”

“Yes, Daddy, I just brushed it.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 20 Comments
9
Mar 11

The Fire Tender

The leather gloves next to the stove, and the fire within, are the only indications of steady use. The wood stove is free of ashes, spent embers, bits of bark and any other signs of use, yet the fire roars continuously. The glass door is spotless as if he replaced it yesterday after he’d slammed the door too hard in a fit of anger and frustration.

It’s a difficult job keeping the fire stoked in an effort to heat the whole house and make sure his family sleeps warm in their beds. The house does not have a furnace.

As he sits in the broken rocking chair – the Throne of The Fire Tender – he contemplates the turns his life has taken. He ticks off the series of choices that led to his current position. Every winter night that he spends tending the fire, he has an opportunity to re-evaluate the decisions he made.

He validates some choices while picking apart others.

The list never changes. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 8 Comments
3
Mar 11

Playing the Part of the Stand-In

This morning’s Twitter stream included a tweet from @AlisaBowman:

Today’s Mantra: I am the star of my own life. I play a supporting role in the lives of others.

Her tweet was the cold shower I needed this morning. It was the wake-up call that I’ve been ignoring, or another 2×4 to the side of my head.

After reading Bowman’s tweet, I gave serious thought to my relationship history. I thought of the role I play in my own life, and in the lives of those closest to me. I have mastered the role of the supporting actress in my romantic relationships. The minute I fall in love, I willingly assume the role of CEO of Support.

If he needs me to bolster his confidence, remind him of his talents, say the right words in the middle of the night to allay his fears, clear his calendar for those important seminars, provide timely servicing to help deal with his stress, shine his shoes or gas up the car, I am the girl.

Meanwhile, I take a quick glance back at my life only to see that the lead role is left vacant. I occasionally make an appearance as stand-in, but I haven’t been starring in my own life.

There was an actress in that role at one point. I knew her several years ago. I’ve seen glimpses of her recently, but she’s yet to completely inhabit the role of lead actress in her own motion picture. She acts the part of mom real well. She’s all-consumed by that role, but she hasn’t fleshed out the rest of her character.

When I read Bowman’s tweet I realized that I’ve been so busy supporting others, I forgot to be the lead in my own life.

I want my shoes shined, and my passions encouraged, and my fears allayed, and my tank filled. I want to know what it’s like to support myself, as much as I’ve supported others. I want to know what it’s like to get top billing. I want to roll out the red carpet for myself, for a change.

If this has to be a one-woman show, then so be it.

**Bowman’s site is Project Happily Ever After, a treasure-trove of proven ideas for helping troubled marriages.

Random Observations — 7 Comments
9
Feb 11

Looks Can Be Deceiving

magic-potion I want to smell the rosemary. I want to remove the stopper from the ornate bottle and smell the blue liquid. I want to know what the liquid is. Does it possess magical properties for healing or soothing? Will it make my bath smell luxurious? Will the blue tincture soften my dry, cracked, tired, winter-weary skin? Will the scent bring me back to a gentler time?

Could the blue elixir elevate my mood? Could one whiff of the mystical blue potion erase sadness and create a lasting calm in a desperate mind that longs for Spring?

__________

The shape of the bottle, the color of the liquid, the sprigs of rosemary inside the liquid, and the sprig lying next to the bottle create expectation about the contents of the container. I make assumptions based on the appearance of all those things. Those assumptions are also based on how I am feeling, at the time that I first see the bottle. If I am in need of something at that moment, my mind willingly lets me believe that the liquid in this bottle will make my life better. I want to believe because I feel needy right now. I want to be saved by a liquid or a potion or a pill or a book or a person.

Hell, I might not need saving, but a little distraction would be welcomed. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Narcissist Quotes / Quotes / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — Comments Off
6
Feb 11

Narcissism and Kindness

Nobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life in his own terms.

Elizabeth Bowen

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Opportunistic / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 42 Comments
4
Feb 11

Narcissism Knows No Bounds

Jenny selected the shiny brown bowl circled by a ring of cobalt blue. She hoped I would love it, and I did. She was excited to give the bowl to me as a gift. The ceramic bowl is the perfect size for almonds or pretzels.

Her older brother makes some unusual pieces, and when he has a bunch of new bowls fired, we get to pick whatever he hasn’t set aside for others.

__________

Two days ago, Mark and Will came home from skiing. They told us of the adventures of the day, the trees they narrowly missed, the jumps they landed perfectly, and the ones they didn’t land so well. They made plans for the next skiing adventure and Mark headed for the door.

With his hand on the doorknob, Mark turned to me and said, “Hey Jess, you know that bowl that Jenny gave you – the brown with the blue stripe? Can I have it? I have a set of three and it matches my set. I know Jenny gave it to you as a gift, but I wondered if you’d mind trading that for a different piece so I could have a matching set of four bowls.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Opportunistic / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 10 Comments
28
Jan 11

In Other News

Monday, I received an email from Mark. In the email he told me that Jen and Will are truly amazing children, and he thanked me for doing such a great job raising them.

I know.

Hard to believe, isn’t it? Continue reading →