Posts Tagged: narcissism

Opportunistic / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
4
Oct 09

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

boots were made for walkin'The day the three of us packed our boxes and moved out of Mark’s house was also my Grandma’s 90th birthday.  There was a gathering at the nursing home, and the kids and I loaded the boxes in the car, and headed to the birthday party.  That sounds bizarre.  The fact that we put the boxes in the car, and went on with the plans of our day was a real indication that my mind was made up.  I couldn’t put the decision off because of a 90th birthday party, so we packed and went to the party.

My dad was there.  He’s a real piece of work.  There’s a whole blog’s worth of stuff to say about my dad.  And because there are divorces and re-marriages in my family, there were current spouses, ex-spouses, and ex-ex-spouses at this affair.  I am not close with my dad, and I don’t see him often even though we live in the same town.  A relative once told me that my dad had mentioned to her that he had seen me crossing the street downtown and there were two little kids with me.  My dad actually asked the relative who those kids were.  He had met them, of course, but he has so little to do with us that I think he sometimes forgets that I have kids.  Anyway, I  didn’t want him to be the last family member to know that I had decided to leave Mark, and I knew I wouldn’t be seeing him again, any time soon, so I figured I’d find a moment at the party to quickly explain my plans.  The kids and I were getting ready to leave the party, so I asked my dad if I could talk with him out in the hallway for a second.

We go out into the hallway and I tell him that I’ve decided to leave Mark and that the kids and I would be staying at mom’s for awhile.  He looks at me, his eyes well up with tears and he says, “You go back in there and you tell Mary that she should have never left me.”  I couldn’t help it, but I heard myself say, “Huh? Mary?  Mary who left you six years ago?”  And he sobs, “Yeah, Mary has no idea how she hurt me.  You go tell her to come out here and talk to me.”

I just walked away and let him stand there feeling sorry for himself.  I wanted to say, “I’ll be fine, dad.  Don’t worry about me, dad.  Don’t worry about Will and Jenny, Dad.  We’ll be just fine.  We don’t need anything.”  But all I could do was walk away.  You have got to admire the kind of talent, skill, cunning, whatever you want to call it, that  someone has to have to turn another person’s hardship into something that is all about them.

Moving On — 2 Comments
3
Oct 09

My Declaration

My mom is trying to help.  She loves me and her heart is in the right place.  She recommended that I pick up the book by Steve Harvey called, ‘Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man’.  Am I the only woman offended by this title?  I’ve admitted that my goal was to be a wife and mother, but I did not agree to erase my personality.  And I wouldn’t want a guy who can’t appreciate my femaleness as much as I appreciate his maleness.  Why does it seem that every popular relationship book has women adapting themselves to suit a man?  I just read this article about improving your relationship by not talking about it.  There’s a ton of research out there about how guys don’t like to talk about feelings and relationships, so if women want a relationship, they better talk to their girlfriends about it, not their guy.  How about all the research that says women need to talk about feelings and relationships?  Where are the books that say that if a guy wants a relationship, he better at least try to utter something about how he feels?  Forget it.  Once again, we are to adapt ourselves to them.  They don’t have to, shouldn’t have to and will not adapt to us.  Wouldn’t it work if there was a compromise somewhere?  What if I agreed to not always have to talk feelings, and he worked on once in awhile listening and not running away from anything to do with feelings?

Here’s my declaration:

1.  I will not stifle who I am to get a man.  I will be emotional and enjoy all the feelings that I have.  I will be wholly female and revel in it.

2.  I will not change what I look like to get a man.  I will like the way I look (at least most days) and know that I am looking my best.  Looks never last anyway.

3.  I will watch football if I want to.  I will golf when I want to.  I will ski as fast or as slow as I want to.  I will read when I want and talk on the phone when I want and watch tv when I want and cry when I want. Continue reading →

Quotes — Comments Off on Having Time
1
Oct 09

Having Time

Time is a created thing.  To say, ‘I don’t have time,’ is like saying, ‘I don’t want to.’
                                                                            Lao-Tzu
Lack of Empathy — Comments Off on Narcissists Never Change
1
Oct 09

Narcissists Never Change

Ever have those days when you walk through your bedroom to get something, pass by your bed, and gaze at it longingly?  You would just give anything to jump in, have the covers surround you, and not have to deal with anymore that life has to dish out.  Today was one of those days.

The previous two nights, Mark has been over to have some “family” discussions.  We have been re-evaluating our choice of school for Will and Jenny.  Mark has been out of the loop, so I figured we better bring him into the dilemma.  He swooped in, took his role as patriarch, and began to attempt to solve the problem.  And that’s a good thing.  The kids need to see him take an interest in their lives.  However, I could feel myself getting progressively more tense as these talks got longer.  By the second night, he had gathered more info from other sources, and he was ready to enlighten us.  He was ready to take action.  We needed to set up a time to check out a different school.  He asked if I was going to make the call.  I suggested that since he had already established a contact, and since his work schedule was more demanding, he ought to make the call and I would work around his schedule.  He explained that he doesn’t hear well on the phone, and if I had questions, he wouldn’t hear the answers.  (He has had issues with his hearing since I’ve known him, but his vanity prevents him from doing anything about it.)  I told him that I’d just ask the questions at the school.  This was on a Wednesday night.  He was all jazzed about getting this handled.  When I suggested that he make the call the following morning, and schedule something for the next day’s afternoon, he balked.  “Oh, I can’t possibly be available until Monday.  I’ve way too much going on at work right now.”   Once again, the kids couldn’t possibly trump his agenda.

Tonight when he called, he was loudly munching on carrots, and distractedly asked about our day.  When I said that we were all a little blue because of this school dilemma he said, “Why?  What happened?  Aren’t they happy there?”  What?  Wasn’t he here the last two nights, telling us what to do and how to fix this?  I guess he figured he’d milked this situation for all he could get.  He was bored with our little crisis and had already moved on to something more interesting.

I’m headed for the comfort of my bed-a little earlier tonight than usual.  Just when I think maybe he’s turned the corner and he’s starting to have a little empathy for his kids, I get jerked back to reality with another slap in the face.  On the bright side, I’ll never run out of material for this blog.  (Note to self:  See the post on Forgiveness.)

Moving On — Comments Off on Anything’s Possible
29
Sep 09

Anything’s Possible

I had a dream last night.  Don’t panic.  I’m not going to bore you with the details.  But this morning, I felt a sense of hope that there might really be someone out there for me.

Accommodators are a special breed.  Of course I say that, because I’m an accommodator.  I think we get that way from our upbringing.  We don’t think people like us or love us unless we do things for them.   As long as we take care of everything, then we guarantee that we will be loved.  It’s easy to see how narcissists prey on accommodators.  It’s a match made in heaven.  Accommodators need to please/serve/give and narcissists need to receive and be served.  If the accommodator manages to serve, all the while admiring and complimenting the narcissist, well that’s even better.  That’s why those relationships appear to work well.  From an outsider’s perspective, it seems that both partners are getting what they want.  That is until the narcissist determines that the accommodator isn’t performing up to standard,  isn’t giving enough, or isn’t serving quickly enough. 

I have to learn that I am just as worthy of receiving as anyone else.  I will still be liked even if I am not constantly doing for others.  I will be liked for who I am, not just what I can do.  My mom once told me that I was so accommodating that I was annoying.  I always thought the world would be a nicer place if everybody was a little more accommodating.  Maybe she’s right.  I’m going to work on not feeling guilty about receiving.  I’m going to work on graciously letting someone do for me. 

So in the dream, I’d met a man who was patient with me.  He didn’t treat me like an inconvenience because of my sometimes messy life with kids.  He enjoyed my company.  He liked me even when he was doing things for me.  And in the dream, I felt appreciated, accepted and loved.  In the dream, I kept looking at this man as if he might disappear.  I was stunned that he would want to be with me. 

He’s out there.  Somewhere.  I think.

Lack of Empathy — 6 Comments
27
Sep 09

Narcissists Are Everywhere

I come from a long line of narcissists.  It wasn’t until I started reading about NPD that I realized just how many narcissists were in my family.  There is certain risk involved in learning about NPD.  Suddenly, it starts to seem like you are surrounded by narcissists.  So that’s why Aunt Bonnie is so self-centered.  No wonder Uncle George can’t seem to talk about anything but himself.  And a lot of family members can seem that way.  They are probably nothing more than your garden-variety, self-centered, annoying relative.  No family is without them.  But it’s when you look more closely and really pinpoint those defining characteristics, that you learn just how one narcissist begets another, and the cycle continues.

I really loved my grandmother.  She doted on me.  And when I became a young woman, and it was more difficult for her to do the doting, I doted on her.  We spent a lot of time together.  I never crossed her.  I loved her and there was no need to disagree with her.  Nothing was so important that I had to disappoint her by offering a dissenting opinion.  I was the perfect source.  I never failed to tell her that she was a fabulous cook.  And I always commented on how pretty she was when she was young.  That’s a real big deal to a narcissist.

Well, I made a big mistake as far as my grandma was concerned.  I got married.  You can see how that posed a big problem for her.  Certainly, if I was getting married, I would have to spend time with the guy I would be marrying.  That would take away from the time I was supposed to be spending with her.  She didn’t come right out and tell me that she was disappointed.  She became petty.    When we would be chatting about something, she’d call Mark, “What’s-His-Name.”  Or she’d make a snide comment about what he looked like, or what he did for a living.  She made it clear that I could have made a better choice.  I thought her behavior was odd, but I attributed her pettiness to age.  At that point in time, I had yet to learn about NPD.  Now, with my schooling in narcissism, I can look back and see her bizarre behavior for what it truly was.

If it wasn’t bad enough that I decided to go out and get married, I then made matters worse by deciding to have a baby.  I could hardly wait to tell grandma the news.  Surely, those nearest and dearest to me would be as over-joyed as I was.  Her immediate response was, “Well, I guess, if that’s what makes you happy.”  My brother and his wife had two of their own, and I went on to have a second.  With each pregnancy, she was only interested enough to say, “If it’s a girl, I sure hope you name her after me.”

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Tools — Comments Off on Survival Tools
23
Sep 09

Survival Tools

When I was looking for a divorce lawyer, I met with a female attorney first.  I could tell from the first meeting that she didn’t like me.  We just didn’t click.  I didn’t hire her and went on to hire a different attorney.   The first attorney did give me some valuable advice.  She wisely told me that I needed to give Will and Jenny the tools they needed to learn to deal with their dad and his disorder.  She made a point of making sure that I understood that I could not prevent them from seeing their dad, so I might as well arm them with the necessary coping skills.

Her statement has really stuck with me.  And it applies to life in general.  As much as we may want to run from situations, we only grow by learning to deal with them.  Go ahead and run, but chances are, the new path you take could lead you headlong into the same mess.  I have not specifically told Will and Jenny about their dad and NPD.* They are too young for that.  But when they ask questions about their dad’s behavior, I take the time to explain his actions.  My goal is for the kids to understand that their dad is just the way he is, and it has absolutely nothing to do with who they are, how they dress, what their interests are or anything they are doing.  I do not want them laying awake at night, thinking that their dad behaves the way he does because of something they did or because of who they are.

They have managed to come up with a pretty good set of tools for heading off any disappointments or confrontations.  They have learned which buttons to avoid pushing.  It has all been trial and error.  Act this way, and this is what you get.  Act a different way and you can expect this.  Kids are intelligent.  They understand cause and effect.  If something is painful, they’ll do their best to avoid it.

Mark stopped by for a visit yesterday.  Just before he had gotten here, Jenny had been rubbing her eye.  Her eye was irritated and red.  When I asked her if she was going to go out and say hi to her dad, she said, “Mom, if he sees that my eye is red, he’s going to treat me like a baby.  I’m not going out there.”   (Mark still believes that Jenny is the last holdout for any sourcing of his narcissism.  He treats her like a baby with the hope that she will always be his admiring little girl.  He does not empathize with the fact that seven year old girls cannot stand to be treated like babies.)  I laughingly suggested that she wear my sunglasses, and expected that she wouldn’t take me up on the offer.  Surely, wearing big sunglasses would get more adverse attention than a red eye.  She took me up on the offer.  She pranced around the front yard in huge sunglasses, and she never took them off.  Being the true narcissist that he is, he didn’t even notice the sunglasses or the red eye.  It ended up being fun for Jenny, and she avoided being treated like the baby.

Will and Jenny have gotten pretty clever at coming up with different tools.  I help them to be confident with who they are.  They come up with the tools and coping mechanisms on their own.  And just like with everything else in life, the lessons we learn on our own are the ones that stick.  They will both come out of this with some pretty extensive tool chests.  Those tools should serve them both well in all their different relationships. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
21
Sep 09

Forgiveness

I have one of those screensavers on my laptop that displays all the photos in My Pictures.  I still have all the photos from when we lived with Mark.  Others have commented that it’s a little odd that I haven’t removed them.  That screensaver provides a lot of entertainment for Will and Jenny.  It’s like having a whole bunch of photo albums at their fingertips. Their dad is still a huge part of their lives and they get a great deal of enjoyment out of the photos. 

If it pains me to see pictures of Mark, then I haven’t moved on. 

The other day I walked by the laptop and saw a nice photo of Mark with one of the kids.  I thought how sad it is that he misses out on the day-to-day stuff with Will and Jen.  As an accommodator, it is easy to lose sleep over stuff like that.  That’s why it took me so long to leave. 

I felt sorry for Mark over many issues.  I felt sorry for him because of his upbringing.  I felt sorry for him because of the distance between himself and the rest of his family.  Was I going to feel sorry for him for the rest of my life?  Naturally, there was a point when I was too mad to feel sorry.  But mostly, it is sad that NPD prevents him from really knowing his kids.  NPD prevents him from having any healthy relationships.

There is so much written about forgiveness.  We’ve heard it all about how the only one who is hurt when you hold a grudge is yourself.  Continue reading →

Quotes — Comments Off on The Actor As Narcissist
1
Sep 09

The Actor As Narcissist

An actor’s a guy who, if you ain’t talking about him, ain’t listening.
Marlon Brando
Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 26 Comments
30
Aug 09

Narcissists And Gift-Giving

Somewhere in the last week of January, 2006, Mark came home from work and emptied three plastic grocery bags on the kitchen counter.  I could tell by the look on his face that he was quite proud of himself.  With shoulders back and head held high he said, “Well, I’m not going to get in trouble on Valentine’s Day this year.  I had to pick up some stuff for work, so I thought I’d get you crossed off the list.”

I said, “Wow, Valentine’s Day is three weeks away and you already got your shopping done.”  All the while I was thinking to myself, geez you might wanna wrap something, or keep it hidden for a couple weeks.

No, he needed to bask in the glow of his accomplishment.  And, he needed to get Valentine’s Day crossed off the list, so we could all get back to the important things, like making sure he was our top priority.

“Here,” he says, “your favorite chocolates.  A nice big box of ’em.  And there’s a card in there somewhere, too.  Go ahead and find it and I’ll sign it when I get a chance.”

Will took one look at the box of chocolates and said, “Hey Dad, those caramel chocolates are your favorites.   Mom likes that yucky dark chocolate stuff.” Continue reading →

Opportunistic — Comments Off on The Opportunivore
28
Aug 09

The Opportunivore

Out of curiosity, I Googled the word Opportunivore.  The Urban Dictionary defines an Opportunivore as, “an individual who seeks food in any situation where no exchange of capital is needed.”  I’ll take some liberties with that definition and change it to, “an individual who seeks adulation and admiration in any situation and assumes no reciprocating is needed.”

Narcissists are incredibly accomplished Opportunivores.  Give them any situation, and they can make sure that it is all about them.  Case in point, yesterday was the first day of school.  In our little family, the tradition is to take pictures in the morning before school.  Just the kids at home – no fanfare, no crowds, not in front of the school building.  Mark opted to greet the kids at the school once class got out.  That way he could be seen scooping up his beautiful children, and he could perform for an audience of admiring parents and teachers.

And today while I was relieving stress on the hill in front of the house, I noticed Mark and Will in Mark’s car.  From my vantage I could see the car suddenly start and then stop with a lot of jerking and rocking.  It turns out that Mark decided today was a good day to teach Will how to drive.  Will is ten.  I learned later that Will didn’t ask to drive the car.  Mark made the suggestion.

I know how Mark operates.  If he grants the kids special privileges, he gets rewarded with more admiration and attention.  Apparently, he wasn’t getting enough attention from Will, so he grandstanded and suggested that this would be a good day for Will to learn to drive.  Then, when they had completed the lesson, Mark scooped Will up for a “there’s  my good boy” hug.

Do you see the contradiction there? Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — 3 Comments
25
Aug 09

Enlightenment

It had been about six weeks since the kids and I had moved out.  Mark and I were still going to counseling.  At one point, he told me that he was convinced that my leaving was a temporary thing.  He figured I’d get a little space, have a chance to miss him, and come running back with the realization that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

He believed I would come to my senses and see what was best for all of us, especially Will and Jenny.

I hadn’t completely given up, but I knew things would have to change dramatically before I would give any thought to the possibility of moving back.

Somewhere during this time I had picked up a copy of Real Simple Magazine and read an article about narcissism.  I vividly remember handing my mom the magazine and telling her to read the article. “Mom!  She’s talking about your parents.”

Moments later, mom hands back the magazine and says, “Honey, this is your husband.” Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 Comments
23
Aug 09

The Narcissist As Protector

Last night I was reading in bed.  Reading in bed was frowned upon when I was married.  Bedtime was meant for one thing and one thing only – service.  We didn’t have a T.V. in our bedroom  for the same reason.

Now, in my happy little  sanctuary, I often read and watch T.V. in bed at the same time – a sweet, simple pleasure.  I was reading a wonderful novel by Elizabeth Berg.

Recently, my 90 year old grandmother was visiting.  We were sitting around the table talking about books.  She asked what I’d been reading.  When I told her mostly self-help books, she rolled her eyes and said, “You ought to read something by Elizabeth Berg.”  Guess there’s not much point in self-help books when you’re 90.

Elizabeth Berg is the kind of author that makes you feel like you are sitting down for coffee and stories with an old friend.

Back to last night – I was engrossed in the reading and I saw something scurry across my bedroom carpet and head under my bed.  It was a ridiculously large spider – so big, in fact, that it had to duck it’s head to get under the bed.  I threw my book at it.  That didn’t work.  I grabbed the broom to try and get at it.  Nothing. Continue reading →

The World Revolves Around Me — Comments Off on “Epipha-me”
22
Aug 09

“Epipha-me”

From my Webster’s College Dictionary, the word epiphany is defined as:

1.  an appearance or manifestation of a deity.
2.  a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into reality or the essential meaning of something ….

The first time I heard Mark use the word epiphany I winced.  He pronounced it epipha-ME.

I let it slide.  Surely it was a simple mistake.  It was kind of cute.

The second time he said epipha-ME I figured I should spare him any embarrassment in case he used that word with somebody else.  I ever-so-gently corrected him.  I even spelled the word for him so that he would remember that the word ends in ny, not ME.

He didn’t say, “Are you sure?  Really?  Oh, that’s embarrassing.”  He just ignored me.  I know he must have thought, “Well, I’m never wrong.  She’s got to be wrong.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — Comments Off on The Voice of the Narcissist
20
Aug 09

The Voice of the Narcissist

pumpkin patchMark and I hadn’t been dating long.  One late summer evening we were taking a walk through a nice neighborhood I had grown up in.  I was kind of hoping that I would see someone I knew so that someone I knew would see me with Mark.

I was in the googly-eyed phase of the relationship.  I still couldn’t believe that a guy this handsome and this charming actually wanted to be with me.  So, naturally, I wanted the world to see me with him.  Then the world would think, “Wow, that Jesse is something, isn’t she.  She’s with Mark.”

Even though I was so charmed by him and enthralled with the idea of being with him, there was something that just didn’t sit right with me.  I felt petty for even mentioning it.  Part of me was afraid that if I criticized anything he did, that he’d dump me.  Maybe the thing that bugged me, wasn’t a big enough thing to risk sacrificing being with Mark.

I was almost 30 years old at the time.  I was starting to understand how important it was for me to express my desires and be open in a relationship.  We were strolling, holding hands, and I felt very close to him.  In a very gentle, non-confrontational way I asked him why he often talked to me in a sing-song voice.

(This voice was kind of cute in the beginning.  I had wondered if that was a voice that he used when he was finding his way in a new relationship.  Maybe he didn’t know how to get close to a woman or be intimate, so he resorted to this patronizing voice.  I hoped that he would get comfortable enough with me that he could drop the annoying voice.) Continue reading →

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