Posts Tagged: narcissist behavior

Child of Narcissist / Homekeeping / Moving On / Tools — 6 Comments
31
May 10

homekeeping 5

stopI did it.  Saturday night I dropped some plates.  I’m not proud of myself, but there it is.  Actually, I didn’t so much drop them as fling them against the wall.  Only two of ’em.  I can’t glue them back together.  I will carry on with the four remaining plates.

Here’s the non-venting version of where we are.  Kids are scheduled for a visit with the counselor on Wednesday.  Mark is not scheduled for more visits.  Mark doesn’t see why the kids need to see the counselor.  He thought last week’s visits went well.  He doesn’t understand why Jenny has her heart broken by the fact that Will got a landslide of goodies from Mark.  We found the ideal bike for Jen.  I talked to Mark and told him that Jen fell in love with a bike, “She said you are buying her a bike, can she please have this bike?”  Mark said, “That’s not the bike I’m getting for Jen.  I have selected a different bike.  I will be buying the bike that I select, not the bike that Jen wants.”

First plate thrown.

Mark said, “You mean to tell me that Jen won’t talk to me because I won’t buy her the bike she wants?  The visits went well last week.  Let me talk to her.  Why won’t she talk to me?  Will won’t talk to me, either?  Why won’t they talk to me?  That’s it.  I’m calling my lawyer.”

I should have said, “Go for it Mark.  I’m sure you retained the one lawyer on the planet that will be capable of making your kids like you.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
29
May 10

Venting Prevents Action

“What do I have to do to be good enough so dad will love me?”  “How come I have such a bad dad?”  “My life won’t be good without a good dad.”  And to that I said, “Honey, do I have a bad life?  How am I doing?  I have a pretty darned good life, don’t I?”  And through alligator tears Jenny said, “It’s just not fair.  When are you going to get us a real dad?”  I wanted to say, “Well it’s not like I can put a post on Craig’s List saying, “Need one great dad for two amazing little people.   Must like listening, Barbies, joke telling, card trick teaching, golfing, fishing, bow hunting, skiing and relating.  Don’t need husband.  Narcissists need not apply.”

And so we continue this bizarre odyssey of trying to navigate a relationship with a guy who is completely clueless about how to relate to his kids.

Mark purchased a new set of golf clubs, new hiking boots, and is shopping for new running shoes for Will.  Nice, right?  He took Jenny to get a pair of earrings, and said, “Some day I’ll have to get you a bike.”  Then he turned to me and said, “Does she need new shoes?”  He was standing right next to Jen, but he didn’t ask her that question.  Jen looked at me and said, “Mom, I don’t have any good running around shoes.”  But he didn’t hear her.  He wasn’t listening for an answer to the question he’d asked.

Instead of relating to or listening to his beautiful kids, he buys them things.  This isn’t a new thing for divorced couples.  But most divorced adults might be cognizant enough to realize that the gift buying should approach fairness, to some degree.

Now, of course, Jen thinks that Mark loves Will more.  Will is crying because he feels bad for his sister. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 12 Comments
27
May 10

Beauty Through the Act of Loving

imperfect-beautyYesterday’s post was about beauty and insecurity and denying who I am.  It was a difficult post to write.  I’m not even sure where it came from.  Getting that necklace in the mail was akin to jamming a stick of dynamite in a dam that I didn’t even know existed.  Feelings, emotions and tears started flowing, and they weren’t going to stop.  Apparently, they haven’t stopped yet.  I’m not done with the topic, and I’m convinced that this flood is sending me further down the path that I’m supposed to be on.  The tidal wave of emotions is pushing me faster, and I’m not afraid.  In fact, I can’t wait to see how far it takes me.  This is another exercise in authenticity and speaking truth.  Both of those expressions are over-used.  But if we set out in search of those things, with integrity, the pursuit of authenticity and truth gets us closer to who we are meant to be.

warning:  I took a challenge to write 2500 words today.  I’ve never struggled with coming up with the words.  I usually cut myself off in an effort to make my post more manageable (less tiresome).  This will be LONG.  Get a cup of tea, a glass of wine, or a milkshake, or skip it all together and haunt one of your favorite, less wordy sites.

So in response to my ‘beauty’ post, I got some warm, loving, complimentary comments from dear friends and dear family.  I didn’t want it to appear that I was writing that post to fish for compliments.  I guess I’m a better fisherwoman (why isn’t fisherwoman in spellcheck?) than I thought.  (I can cast a fly line pretty well, but I never catch much.  I can put a worm on a hook, but I’m usually busy sipping my beer, and I don’t see the tug on the pole.)  The comments were extraordinarily nice, and they made me very uncomfortable, just as any kind of compliment has always made me uncomfortable.

And as I was responding to my intelligent, beautiful cousin this morning the pistons in my still sleepy brain fired and I was hit by another thought.

(‘Beautiful’ and ‘intelligent’ are descriptors for all the women who commented on my post yesterday.  Thanks Mom, Donna, Lucy, Kate and Jessica.  I’m sure these apply to Jessica, even though I don’t know her well.  Yet.  Just as they apply to all the women that I am proud to know.) Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 14 Comments
26
May 10

Free To Be Beautiful

blossomsI can’t remember if I ever thought I was pretty.  I have a vague recollection that I felt beautiful, for the first time, when I held my newborn babies.  I was swollen, blotchy, sweaty and exhausted, but I felt beautiful.

I have spent a lot of years denying my femininity.   Along the way, I received  messages that I heard as criticisms of femininity in general, not just my own femininity.

In college, I hated my body and hid behind baggy Levis and un-tucked, too large flannel shirts.  The older I got, the more I looked at makeup, painted nails and dyed hair as superficial wastes of time.

I made excuses for being sensitive and emotional – feelings typically attributed to femininity.  I tried to hide those feelings.

If people were going to like me, they were going to like the plain, unmade-up me – the unemotional me. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
25
May 10

Narcissism and Lip Service

Wikipedia defines lip service as an idiom meaning giving ‘approval or support..insincerely’.  Lip service is not the sole domain of narcissists.  We all give things lip service.  “I’d love to meet you for lunch.”  “Love that new haircut.”  “Of course, those pants don’t make your butt look big.”  “Your new boyfriend is very charming.”

__________

Mark was dying to see the kids when we returned from vacation.  He has since tried to see them every stinkin’ day.  We have not received any sort of formal wrap-up from the counselor on where we are headed in terms of how all parties might try to better get along. The kids are acting like, “Whoa!  Hold on a minute.  What has changed?  Why so many visits, so soon?”  Is it silly to even expect a wrap-up from the counselor?  I’m still not real sure what we were trying to accomplish with the counseling sessions.  I get the feeling that Mark was making a show of working on things.  He now thinks that we are believing that he is working on things.

Cross that off the list.

Resume regular visits. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Tools — 10 Comments
19
May 10

The Flow Has A Plan

caboWhen I tuck Will in at night, he wants to know how many pages he should read before he turns out the light.  He wants to know the plan for the next day.  He wants to know if he will be allowed a cup of coffee.  He wants to know what we’ll be doing for learning work, if he’ll have time to golf,  and what we’ll be having for dinner.  (I should clarify that he doesn’t need any kind of approval from me on all these things – pages read, golf time.  But some things like coffee and dinner and learning work, he does need to hear from me.)  When I tuck Jenny in,  she is busily putting jammies on her Barbies and barely makes eye contact long enough to say goodnight.

On a spectrum that has “Go with the flow” on one end, and “Make a plan” on the other, my kids anchor the two ends, and I float some where in the middle.

None of our positions is perfect.  But it is my continual pursuit of harmony in the home that makes me try to get us all to live together while acknowledging where we are on that spectrum.  We often remind Will that sometimes the best things happen when you ‘play it by ear’.  And we are often working with Jenny on her time management.  If left to her own devices, she’d never make an appointment on time because she gets wrapped up in a project and can’t drag herself away.

When planning this cruise, I checked into all the different excursions.  The ages of the kids bumped us out of most of them.  I figured this was our first cruise together and we would get the feel for how things work, and not make specific plans for the port days.  The night before Cabo, Will wanted to know what to expect.  I told him we would get up, have breakfast, play mini golf and ping pong, shop for a souvenir, have lunch and get off the boat and explore Cabo.   I left the ‘explore Cabo’ part wide open on purpose.  That was enough of a plan to let him relax and let the day unfold.  It wasn’t so much of a plan to make Jenny feel rushed or like she couldn’t just hang.  And anyway, I didn’t have the foggiest idea of what we might do in Cabo.

The morning we pulled into Cabo San Lucas was warm and sunny and full of promise.  Will needed to know what that promise would be.  Jenny didn’t care so long as it was going to be fun.  It was up to me to present an option that would please all parties. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homekeeping / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — 2 Comments
8
May 10

homekeeping 4

I still have to pack, but my toes are painted, fake tan is applied, kids’ hair is cut, the single plant that we do have is watered, and the fridge is empty.

It’s time for vacation.  Even the very word, ‘vacation’, is delicious.  Just saying it makes the tightness in my shoulders melt.  The minute it rolls off my tongue, I swear I can smell sunscreen and feel sand in the waist band of my swimsuit.

Not taking my laptop means I’m not taking the blog with.  It sorta feels like leaving one of my kids behind.  Jen and Will are delighted that I won’t be hiding behind a computer screen.  They are unbelievably supportive of the time and attention I devote to the blog.  But it’s time that they get all of me for a few days.

We can’t head off without updating you.

__________ Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools — 2 Comments
6
May 10

Trail Guide

“I’m afraid that whatever I write will make this worse.”  That was the start of Jenny’s assignment today.  Yesterday afternoon, the counselor called to set up an appointment for a Friday session with Mark and the kids.  She asked that we agree to have Mark pick the kids up and take them to the appointment.

Will and Jen are not at all thrilled about riding to the appointment with Mark.  I think the lack of contact has made them even more uncomfortable with their dad.  I can see why the counselor wants them to ride with Mark.  She wants to see what the kids are like, when they aren’t washed in my influence.  And I agree with her.  Even though I’m trying to be very diplomatic with this process, they will pick up on my energy.  We are too tight for that not to happen.

Will is currently penning an 11 year old’s version of  The Grapes of Wrath.  He hasn’t taken any breaks to ask for a cup of coffee or swing a club.  He has completely embraced this assignment.  His paper starts with, “What Bugs Me About My Dad.”

I wanted to help them vent their frustrations by turning this into a home school project.  They’ll have more material to discuss at the counseling session, and hopefully they will be able to unload their hearts a bit.  Perhaps this assignment will calm them and guide them during tomorrow’s appointment.

They’ll head back into Narcissism Country with their own trail guides.  I’m going to cover them in body armor and stick little virtual spray cans of mace in their hands. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
5
May 10

Hiking in Narcissism Country

It’s a bad idea to walk through rattlesnake habitat in flip flops.  It isn’t advisable to hike through grizzly territory with bacon tucked in your back pocket.  Children should never be left unattended in mountain lion country.

Once, even though I knew better, I walked through a dry, stubble field in Teva Sandals.  The one time I did, I came within 6 inches of a rattlesnake.  I was lucky, but there’s no excuse for not being prepared, for not using my brain, for being cavalier about what could be lying in wait.

The same goes for narcissism.

I am chin deep in narcissism country.  I know the game switches with each conversation.  I know his attempts at manipulation.  I know how he contradicts himself, sometimes within the same sentence.  I know when he has set a trap.  I know how charming he can be.

The least I can do is keep my wits about me.  I would be foolish to ever let myself forget how the ground shifts in Narcissism Country.  Hikers must always take enough provisions, and familiarize themselves with any potential wildlife threats. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 Comments
4
May 10

Update on the Counseling Process

We haven’t heard a word from Mark.

The kids and I talked over the weekend and came up with a proposal.  We wanted to suggest a visitation schedule that we could live with.  Mark has indicated that he would like to see them more frequently.  The kids say, “Absolutely Not.”  We think we’ve come up with something to appease Mark.  We hope that he will see that a few visits are better than nothing at all.

See?  There we go hoping again.

Yesterday morning I called Mark and ended up leaving a message.  I selected what I hoped sounded like an encouraging/positive voice.  I told him that we were looking forward to talking to him after his counseling session – which was yesterday.  I asked him to please call us so that we could discuss how to proceed from here.

I called again in the afternoon.  No answer.

Now what? Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Tools — 11 Comments
30
Apr 10

It Is What It Is

The original title for this post was going to be, “The Good, The Bad and Reality”.  I let myself whirl about in another tailspin after receiving a letter from Mark on Wednesday, and then a lovely phone call from him yesterday morning.  When I got off the phone, I felt the messed up stomach that I’d lived with for years.  But more importantly, I felt the walls of our home – our little sanctuary – close in around us.  It’s the way a mouse must feel when caught in one of those “humane” traps.  Those are the traps you get if you want to catch them, but not kill them.  But the problem with those traps is that you forget to check them, so the mouse ends up dying this slow, agonizing death by starvation.

I can think of a handful of times when, after a conversation with Mark, I have felt fear.  I didn’t feel frightened that he might hit me, or throw me against a wall.  Nor have I lost sleep over the possibility of Mark raising a hand to Jen or Will.  I can’t seem to find words to describe the feeling.  It seems like fear.  It feels a bit like hair standing up on the back of my neck.  It isn’t every time I talk to him.  It has happened maybe 6 or 8 times in all the years I’ve known him.  It is a visceral reaction.  It hits me at my very core.  It isn’t based on any kind of logic.

I think.

But there is a sense of panic – like the mouse must feel when he knows that he isn’t going to be set free.

Yesterday I got that panic feeling.  On a whim, I sat down at my computer and in the Google search box I typed, “narcissism and evil”.  I’m not going to link you to what I found.  It’s depressing and frightening. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Quotes — 2 Comments
29
Apr 10

Now What

I think that if you shake the tree, you ought to be around when the fruit falls to pick it up.
Mary Cassatt

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
29
Apr 10

Approaching Full-Circle

“So it’s pretty obvious that you didn’t try to coach your kids before you came in today.”  That’s what the counselor first said, when I walked into her office after she’d met first, with Will, and then with Jenny.  I explained that I thought it was better/healthier to not over-talk this appointment.  (You probably didn’t know I could not over-talk something.)  I had explained to them that they would be very comfortable talking to her.  They didn’t need to worry about me or their dad hearing what they said.  They could complain about me, too, if they so felt.  There were no right or wrong answers.  And this was a great way for them to get some stuff off their chests.

Interestingly, the counselor pointed out that a lot of kids, upon entering her office, frantically unload their brains in an effort to spew everything they’ve been coached to say, in hopes of not getting in trouble for forgetting to say everything.

Yikes.

I believe we have to trust, that if we are headed down the right path, then we better not impede the process by trying to force our desired outcome.

Then she showed me their drawings.  It was absolutely fascinating to see how she interpreted the sketches.  She’s been employing the House/Tree/Person technique for 16 years.  I knew my kids would be comfortable with sketching since they draw every day. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 13 Comments
27
Apr 10

Being Heard

It feels like complete acceptance, total respect, absolute acknowledgment and warmth all wrapped into one big bear hug.  It’s not the first time I’ve been heard.  I have amazing family and friends who have supported me and believed me about NPD and it’s effects on my family.  Even so, there was always a glimmer of doubt that perhaps I had been clinging so desperately to the belief that my ex was a narcissist, in a vain attempt at making sense of a messed up marriage.

The validation that comes with speaking to a professional –  someone who understands personality disorders –  is an entirely new level of understanding.  And prior to yesterday’s visit, I’d been to two other counselors who had completely dismissed me.

I had decided to not play the narcissism card right off the bat.  I had a lot of time to present a picture of the history of my relationship with Mark, from the time we first started dating.  I included my observations about the boys from his previous marriage and how I had assumed, based on what Mark had told me, that his relationship with them was strained because of his ex-wife’s influence.

I tried my hardest to leave out emotion, name-calling (that was really hard) and nit-picking.  I presented clear-cut examples of bizarre treatments and behaviors.  I told her how Mark announced when Will was 6 weeks old, that this family thing wasn’t for him.  I told her how the kids weren’t allowed to makes messes in his house.  I told her how he would remove himself from conversations if the talk didn’t center on him.  I told her about the insidious picking and critiques of Will and Jen’s hair styles, wardrobes and choice of hobbies.  I told her how I kept trying, after our separation, to come up with suggestions of what Mark and the kids could do together.  I told her that I opened my house to him for visits, even after learning about “the incident”.  I told her about how the kids refuse to call him on his behavior because of potential repercussions.

Periodically, she would look at me in total dismay.  Several times, as she was writing fast and furiously, she would say, “Wait.  Back up?  What did he say?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
26
Apr 10

Kismet

Just a brief update because my head is in the clouds and I can’t articulate well, right now.

It went so damn well that I don’t know where to begin.

I wanted to write a great illustration of what it feels like when things go well.  I wanted to tease, and lead into a story, and draw it out.

But I hate that when someone has something to say, and they won’t cut to the chase.

It WENT SO WELL.

And I am encouraged.  I’m excited for my kids to talk to her. Continue reading →

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