narcissistic behavior « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: narcissistic behavior

homekeeping 6

It has been a while since I’ve written a homekeeping post. I miss the format – loose, random thoughts on where we are and where we are headed.

I just reread homekeeping 5 this morning. Wow. What a difference six months can make. Blood, sweat, tears and a lot of cussing later, and we seem to be in a good place.

Knock on wood.

It has been almost three months since Mark and I had the marathon chat session about the kids and his relationship with them. I did not perform miracles that day. It would be nice to say that I was able to reach him.

Honestly, I think Mark hasn’t changed one iota. Continue reading →

Control / Moving On / Quotes — 6 Comments
29
Dec 10

The Strength of Criticism

The strength of criticism lies only in
the weakness of the thing criticized.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

This brings to mind another favorite quote on Power.

*Both quotes remind me to check the mirror and make sure that I’m standing straight and tall.

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations — 2 Comments
12
Dec 10

Bittersweet

snowy-curtain I’ve been writing here for over a year. Jen and Will know what the blog is about. Will keeps asking for permission to read the whole blog. He’s not ready for that.

They both know about narcissism.

I read some of the posts to them. I have read many of the comments to them. I want them to share in this process.

We’ve all come a long way because of the growth we’ve experienced due to this blog and the amazing comments, love and support that occur here.

My goal is to sell my own products through this site. The kids know about that. We have plans and dreams based on what I may be able to do here. Because of those plans and dreams, they often ask me how many folks are checking in on the site. They see me checking the stats for the blog, and they’ve witnessed the growth in the numbers of people who read. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
9
Dec 10

Some Days Are Like That

old-blue-enamel-pot1 I make a damn good cup of coffee. I make oatmeal with the perfect ratio of oats – walnuts – cinnamon – nutmeg. Nobody cleans a cat box like I do. You’d be amazed at how quickly I can fold a laundry basket full of clean clothes. I even find all the socks, almost every time.

And some days, that’s the best I can come up with when trying to cheer myself up and get out of the funk.

When staring at the too-bright laptop screen at 5:15 a.m., my eyes are blurry – not from being tired, but from fussing over the pages of the book I’m trying to finish.

I bounce over to Twitter to get some inspiration and find a few laughs or a couple good posts to read. The distraction takes my mind off the fact that I doubt myself.

I doubt my abilities as a mom. Continue reading →

Narcissist Quotes / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 Comments
1
Dec 10

Seriously?

A couple days before Thanksgiving, I called Mark to explain that the kids weren’t ready for a visit at his house. The first thing out of his mouth was, “What’s that about?”

I sighed and said, “The phone calls are going well. They just aren’t up for hanging at your place yet. When they went to dinner at the restaurant with you last week, they felt completely left out of the conversation.”

He laughed and said, “That’s ridiculous. The whole conversation was directed at them. It’s all about Jen and Will right now.”

I said I was sorry, but that they asked me to deliver the message that they wouldn’t be going to his house.

Then, out of habit, I said, “Happy Thanksgiving.” I didn’t say it to be snarky, sarcastic or snide. It’s a custom in our culture. That’s what people say this time of year.

He answered with, “Thank you.”

Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 10 Comments
28
Nov 10

Rescuing Her Heart

the-wooden-box She pinned the boutonniere to her grandfather’s lapel and walked him out to the backyard. His seat was in the front row of chairs under the canopy. It wasn’t the kind of wedding where the guests or groom weren’t allowed to see the bride before the ceremony. In fact, the bride had been scurrying around taking care of last minute details while dressed in the batiste gown she’d made and embroidered.

This had to be a cost-effective wedding, or there would be no wedding at all.

The groom hadn’t actually proposed to the bride. Years later, when learning about narcissism, she would read that narcissists rarely propose. It was beneath them.

__________

They had lived together for about a year, bought a home and settled into a comfortable lifestyle. Getting married was a default move. It made sense. It was expected. She assumed they’d marry one day. He didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about getting married. When she pressed, he usually said something like, “Well… I’m fine with it all as long as it isn’t a big production, doesn’t cost me a lot, or interrupt my work schedule. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 3 Comments
26
Nov 10

The Three of Us

4-rocks There’s a post rolling around in my head. I keep trying to avoid it. It’s going to make me write it. It’s about why I believe divorce is the only way to survive a relationship with a narcissist.

I’m going to have to dig a little deeper.

That post is going to require a lot from me.

In the meantime, Jenny drew these faces on rocks.

They made me smile. They made me think about the three of us, and how there used to be four of us.

family-of-3

Now there are three with – brighter smiles, intact spirits and happier souls.

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
21
Nov 10

Gaslighting

As I was sitting down to write a new post, I discovered this article by Lisa E. Scott on her site, vainencounters.com:

The “Crazy-Making” Behavior of a Narcissist.

I identified with everything in Lisa’s article. She also mentions the term, gaslight. I had to Google some more. I had heard the term, but never paid attention. I didn’t know it applied to me.

I found this article by Robin Stern, Ph.D.:

What is Gaslighting?

__________

I had today’s post composed in my head before I had discovered the gaslighting stuff. I even had the appropriate pictures selected. I was ready to hit publish. The post was about how I’m tempted to believe that Mark is changing. I was going to write that I’ve been thinking I really managed to get through to him. I was even wondering if Narcissists are capable of seeing who and what they are, and that their behaviors have a detrimental effect on their families.

You’d think I’d know better by now.

Last night he came over to discuss Christmas gift ideas with the kids.

He left and Jenny broke into tears.

I was present for all the conversations. I heard the veiled put downs, and the not-so-subtle dismissals of the dolls Jenny wants, and the ski pants Will wants. I heard his jovial-sounding sarcastic jabs. In his sing-song voice he said, “Well Honey Bear, I thought you wanted a baby doll carriage. You mean you still like Barbies, too? You still like babies and Barbies?”

“So Will, do you think these ski pants would be cool enough for you?”

These are pokes and prods. These are smarmy little attempts at sounding like an interested dad, but really they show how little he knows them, and how little he cares.

This morning’s discovery of gaslighting was another whisper from the Universe. This time she said, “Hon, don’t be fooled. Don’t believe, for one second, that a Narcissist is capable of changing. It will never be about the kids. It will always be about him. Check out this post on gaslighting. It applies to you, Sweetie, and your kids, too.”

At least she’s still whispering. I half expect her to come at me next time with a 2 x 4.

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Random Observations / The World Revolves Around Me — 4 Comments
18
Nov 10

Mom, It’s Like This…

“You know when you’re standing in line at the grocery store and the customer in front of you is talking to the cashier? You know how the cashier sort of smiles, keeps working, and tries to answer the customer’s question, but really they just want to get through with that customer, and get on to the next, and be done working for the day?

You know how the cashier seems like she doesn’t really care about what the customer is talking about?

That’s what it’s like when I’m talking to dad.”

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 13 Comments
14
Nov 10

Can It Be?

fingers-crossed They hadn’t seen him in three weeks. On Friday night, they spent over five hours with him. When they walked in the door, at the end of the night, I did a quick scan to check for rapid blinking, slumped shoulders, nervous pacing or shell-shocked expressions.

Nothing.

Will and Jen spoke animatedly about the event they attended. They talked of what they’d had for dinner and the stories shared. They spoke of the folks they saw.

They didn’t mention the baby voice, or the martyr tone. There was nothing about being overly embarrassed – other than the typical ways that all parents embarrass their kids. Nothing about hurt feelings, or insults, or critiques about hair, dress or table manners.

__________ Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Quotes — Comments Off
13
Nov 10

Holding Our Breath

We think we’re turning a corner, but you’re always holding your breath.

Doug Allen

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — 4 Comments
11
Nov 10

A Whispered Update

tracks Yesterday marked three weeks since the Wednesday morning meeting with Mark.

During the last three weeks, the kids have received one email, and several (not daily) phone calls from Mark. The calls have varied from short and terse, to lengthy and pleasant. Mark has not pressured them to see him. They have not asked to see him.

They have returned his calls when he has asked them to do so in a message.

They have not called of their own accord.

The mood in our house, is light and without pressure. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Quotes — 3 Comments
10
Nov 10

What Should They Be?

If we would amend the world, we should mend ourselves; and teach our children to be, not what we are, but what they should be.

William Penn

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
5
Nov 10

Canoeing Over Class 5 Rapids

autumn-river1 I never got the hang of water skiing. I tried. I only ever managed to cling to the rope while I was drug around the lake, ending up with extra long arms to prove how hard I tried.

I’ve kayaked once, canoed a few times, and rafted more times than I care to mention.

I’m more the lazy canoe or solo kayak type.

Perhaps I am a control freak, or maybe it’s just that I don’t like being spilled over the edge of some rubber flotation device, forced to drink a gallon of river plankton, while scraping the flesh off my shins, all by noon.

I thought of my relationship to water when I took my kids down by the river yesterday to do a little fresh air home schooling. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 5 Comments
22
Oct 10

Permission To Move On

The Universe wrapped her arm around me Wednesday evening. I felt her warm breath on my ear.

This is what I heard her say:

“Listen, Honey, you’ve done a fine job. I’m proud of you for doing your best. I know this was hard for you. You got through to him as much as you possibly can. He’s injured, Dear, and you can’t do anything about it. You knew that when you married him, and you know that now.

You can rest easy in the knowledge that you have done as much as you possibly can. I don’t expect any more from you. Now you must focus your energies on caring for yourself and your children. You have avoided the negativity as long as you could. You tried tenderness and compassion.

It’s time for you to move on.”

__________ Continue reading →