Anything simple always interests me.
David Hockney
Posts Tagged: narcissistic behavior
3
Dec 09
The Advent Calendar and Expectations
I knew this woman who had three kids and every year at Christmas, she put up a lavish Advent Calendar. She would wrap one present for each kid for each day on the calendar. That’s 75 little packages. I think she was running for the Mom Of The Year Award. I’ve not seen her in awhile. Maybe she buckled under the pressure of all those holiday expectations.
I made an Advent Calendar a few years ago.
Each day Will and Jenny open one envelope. They take turns opening, since there is only one envelope for each day. The envelope contains a little note that is their “present” for the day. It’s not always a package to open, in fact, it usually isn’t.
The note might say:
- Play games tonight.
- Go to the library.
- Soak your tootsies and watch a Christmas movie.
- Put up the Christmas Tree.
- Stay up late on a school night.
- Go to Grandma and Grandpa’s and play Aggravation.
- Look under the couch. (They’ll each find a candy bar.)
- Bake Christmas Cookies.
29
Nov 09
When Divorcing The Narcissist Isn’t Enough
Last night Will was so stressed, I actually resorted to giving him a Pepcid. That’s the first time he’s taken anything for an upset stomach. His stomach had been bothering him for two days. Coincidentally, his father had been over both those days.
I’m too familiar with this feeling. I have a stash of Pepcid for myself.
After both visits, Will started pacing, cussing and ranting. I’ve told him that he can write about what bugs him. We’ve lots of cryptic notes around the house.
“My Dad is an A hole.”
“F you dad.” Continue reading →
28
Nov 09
Relationship 101
Speaking of good men … there is a good man in my life. Or at least there was. As of the last couple days, there is some question as to whether he is still in my life. As enlightened as I try to be, as whole as I want to be, as repaired as I pretend to be, I still don’t have a clue how to do this relationship stuff.
Narcissism Survivor or not, who amongst us does know how to do this relationship stuff? The person who could write THE guidebook on relationships would rank right up there with God and the first person to ever roast a coffee bean. Enough people have tried to write the definitive book on navigating the perils of relationships. I’ve read plenty of them. Either I’m a slow learner, or there really isn’t one primer that fits all cases.
Prior to leaving Mark, and for awhile after leaving him, I was convinced that I was never going to be in another relationship. Doesn’t everybody go through that? Sure, there are some who pass from one to another simultaneously, and they often readily admit their fear of living alone. But most of us need a good healthy breather before jumping back into the pool. I wasn’t looking when he came along. I was still focusing on how pleasant my life was, in the unencumbered state of divorce. I didn’t need anyone for financial reasons. I didn’t have a fear of being alone. Not like I was ever alone with two kids, anyway. I was coping quite nicely, in fact. I felt like I had the whole rest of my life ahead of me. I could do the projects I wanted, read what I wanted, travel to where I wanted, enjoy the hobbies that I liked. Okay, to be honest, there wasn’t much time for all of that because of being a mom. But I love being a mom, and it’s nice to think that when Jen and Will aren’t needing me as much, I’ll be free to pursue whatever my heart desires.
Then he came along. It started so innocently. We spent months getting to know each other online because we live in different states. It was perfect. Even if I desperately wanted to jump into a physical relationship with him, I was forced to take my time because of the distance. That was so smart, and so healthy. There’s a lot to be said for getting to know someone without the process being clouded by all the physical stuff.
That was two and a half years ago. In the meantime, there have been a few local guys that have called to invite me for coffee. I’m not one who enjoys talking on the phone. After a 45 minute phone conversation where a guy complains, non-stop, about his ex-wife, I’m ready to cut my left arm off. Let’s just say that there are a lot of people out there with a lot of issues. And my long distance friend continues to rise above. And I continue to screw it up. I am not spending any time worrying about whether he is a Narcissist. He’s the furthest thing from. I am spending too much time trying to figure out what my role is in a relationship. You mean I’m not supposed to do everything? Am I supposed to do anything? What should I do? I know I keep doing too much. I know I can’t shut up about it. I think I keep sabotaging things because I don’t have any faith. I’m positive that it will end badly, because that’s what history has taught me. Therefore, when things are fabulous, I set out to mess them up, just so I can get the inevitable over with. Continue reading →
26
Nov 09
A Great Marriage
A great marriage is not when the perfect couple comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.
David Meurer
26
Nov 09
Survivor Humor
I heard this the other night and I immediately asked if I could use it. I’ve been thinking about how well it would tie into the next post I was planning to write. Just now I realized that this is worthy of a stand-alone piece.
Let me say, first of all, that I know that the world is populated with really good men. A lot of those good men also happen to be good fathers and good husbands. My brother and step-brothers, my cousins’ husbands, husbands of friends — all of them are stellar examples of fine men. They are the get-down-on-the-floor and play, bath-giving, diaper-changing, nose-wiping, up-in-the-middle-of-the-night kind of fully involved dads. And they are the kind of men who see that marriage is a partnership that requires lots of sacrifice and compromise. I know that a good man is not a mythical creature.
Having said that, I still wonder how it is that I managed to marry a Narcissist when there are some damn fine men out there. I know all the factors that steered me in the direction of Mark. No point in beating myself up about it.
The kids and I are looking forward to ski season. When I met Mark, I was the more avid skier. He was eager to get out and do more downhill skiing, so we enjoyed several ski seasons together before Will was born. I’ve heard the stories, and seen firsthand, how there are husbands out there who take turns. They actually opt to skip out on fishing or hunting or skiing trips because they have children. Mark was of the mind set that the raising of the children was my job. And on the weekends, it was still my job. There was never any discussion about the possibility of skipping a day of skiing or, heaven-for-bid, babysitting Will so that I might hit the slopes. It was just understand that when children are introduced into the relationship, the wife’s life changes, but the husband’s remains the same.
Recently Will was asking me why it is that I never go fishing anymore. Apparently, Mark kindly pointed out that when I used to be fun, I would actually go fishing. I explained that I used to enjoy flyfishing a lot. In fact, his father and I took up the sport together. Then I went on to explain that when Will was born, it fell on me to stay with the kids so that Mark could still fish. Jenny is now getting to the age where we could all fish together. But it’s been a lot of years, and I’m a little rusty on my casting. I’m going to find a good way to explain to Will and Jenny that there are men out there who take turns. That means that sometimes the whole family goes fishing, and the dad hangs with the kids a bit while the mom fishes, and then the mom hangs with the kids. You get the picture. It’s a novel concept. But, I’ve heard that it works. Continue reading →
23
Nov 09
Leaf Therapy
I ended up raking leaves today. The wind had done a good job, but there were still quite a few leaves in the back yard – probably has something to do with the fencing.
The sky was gray, and the air had that feeling like the clouds were getting ready to unload their piles of snow. It lent a certain urgency to the raking. I kept telling myself that a cup of coffee would taste that much better if I got one more chore crossed off the list.
__________
I remember after 9/11, I was cleaning my kitchen and thinking, “God, I’m so lucky, I get to clean my kitchen.” It seemed that I shouldn’t allow myself to complain about chores when so many would never be able to complain again. I felt like that while raking leaves today.
I’m lucky that I can rake. Continue reading →
18
Nov 09
Crossing Paths
Jenny is bummed because her closest friend is drifting away. Last year they were in the same class. This year they are in different classes, and while we arrange for the girls to get together outside of class, the relationship is definitely changing. Jen doesn’t understand why Hailey isn’t interested in the same things anymore. Jen wants to know why Hailey doesn’t listen anymore. That’s tough for a 2nd grader. And it’s tough for a 2nd grader’s mom.
But the issue with Hailey opened up an interesting conversation for the three of us. I was trying to explain to Jen and Will about friendships and relationships, in general. I’ve gotten that email about friends, a couple times, now. You know the one — it talks about how some people come into your life briefly, some come into your life for awhile, and some come into your life to stay.
I was trying to explain to Jen that she and Hailey had paths that were headed in the same direction for awhile. They liked the same things, told the same secrets, and giggled at the same time. That was lovely for awhile. But people change, and sometimes their path takes them in a different direction. That’s not a bad thing. It’s a little sad, because you still wish that person’s path was along side yours. But it’s exciting to think that you will be bumping into another person, who may be on the same path as you. And then, at some point, your path will change, and you will veer off in a new direction. I wanted them to see that they should be happy that their paths intersect with other paths for lots of reasons. They should see the benefit of those crossings and not be so blue when the paths head off in new directions. They get to take all the things they learn, and all those shared experiences with them on their own new path.
Of course, that led to my talking about how Mark and I were on the same path for awhile. I wanted them to understand how grateful I am that my path crossed with Mark’s. If it hadn’t, there wouldn’t be Will and Jenny. Naturally, they both wanted to know why my path wasn’t the same as Mark’s anymore. I started to give them that tired old excuse about how people grow and change, and blah, blah, blah. But my kids are pretty visual. I wanted to give them something that would drive the point home. I explained that Mark and I were sort of driving down this path, but it was like we were in two separate cars. I guess I wasn’t comfortable in his car, and he didn’t particularly like my car. His car was fancy and pristine. His car was very organized. You couldn’t drink coffee in his car or eat Goldfish Crackers in his car. Booster seats never really fit properly in his car. My car had plenty of room for booster seats, graham crackers, granola bars, wipes, bikes, stuffed animals, books, papers, crayons, and frisbees.
One day, as we were headed down our path, side-by-side, in our two separate cars, it was like my hand involuntarily (or maybe not so involuntarily) yanked on the steering wheel, my car went out of control, and I crashed right into his car and caused a seriously messed up demolition. I reminded them of those cool demolition derbies that they see on T.V., where the car is totally trashed, but the driver jumps out, arms in the air, grinning from ear to ear. I tried to explain that I had been ready for a new path for awhile. I wasn’t happy traveling that same path with their dad anymore. In order to head out on a new path, I made the choice to not be married to their dad any longer. I pointed out that divorce is a lot like a demolition derby. There’s a lot of messed up cars, but usually everybody walks away intact. Some drivers, of course, come out of the derby much happier than others.
16
Nov 09
Narcissists and Friendship
A very dear friend called this weekend. We’ve known each other since college. She’s one of those special friends that, although we may not get to visit as much as I’d like, when we do talk, we pick up right where we left off. She’d been reading my blog and thought maybe I needed a call. I didn’t realize I was sending out an S.O.S. That’s a beautiful thing about good friends, they often know you better than you know yourself. They can tell when you are feeling vulnerable, they can appreciate your successes, they know your different phases. They can tell you to quit taking yourself so seriously, just as you can do that for them.
When I was first dating Mark, I was curious about the fact that he didn’t have any friends. Actually, there was one guy that he would do a few things with, but he was kind of an odd duck. He didn’t have any friends, either. I just assumed that Mark poured himself into his business, and he didn’t have any time to cultivate friendships. Funny how you can so easily turn a negative into a positive when you are in a new relationship. Then, when Mark and I had been married for awhile, I would think to myself, “Well, I guess he just prefers to spend his time with me when he’s not working.”
I would have killed to be a hunting widow or a golf widow. Every healthy relationship needs those spaces where you go away, get a new perspective, and come back to look at your partner with fresh eyes. You don’t need to go away for a long time. Maybe you need an afternoon break, or a weekend break. Never having a break from your partner is like never changing the sheets on your bed. They can get pretty stale and smelly.
Several years into our marriage, Mark would rant about how I prevented him from going on his mountain adventures. He felt tied down and never got to take off like he did before we were married. I had heard the stories of his adventures. In most cases, he was by himself. I think he was angry with himself for not wanting to go by himself any more, and so he directed the anger at me.
Narcissists are lousy at friendship. They aren’t interested in carrying on a conversation unless the talk is all about them. And they sure aren’t going to spend any time worrying about someone else’s issues, feelings or concerns. A close friend of ours was going through a divorce. I had invited her for dinner. I wanted her to know that she had our support while she went through a difficult time. We shared some beers on the front deck, and we just let her vent. That’s what friends do. At one point, Mark got out of his lawn chair and headed into the house. I thought he was getting something to drink. He didn’t come back. He didn’t come back for dinner, either. I made some excuse for our friend, saying something like, “Oh, Mark hasn’t been feeling well.” I had seen him do this before — get up from the dinner table, or simply leave a room in the middle of a conversation. His rudeness astounded me. After the friend had gone home, I asked what had happened to him. He simply said, “I was bored with the conversation and wasn’t interested in sticking around for any more.” That is precisely why he’d find himself alone on his mountain trips.
13
Nov 09
Forget It
Don’t sweat it: If you’ve got a problem, look at it. If you can solve it, do it. If you can’t, forget about it.
Unknown
13
Nov 09
When A 15 Minute Trick Doesn’t Cut It
I’ve been around the block a few times — sometimes even stomping my feet while I make the pass. I know that, in some cases, a few deep breaths, or a glass of water, or a handful of nuts, or a self-imposed time-out just won’t do the trick. Hell, I’ve even chugged the glass of water, grabbed the handful of nuts, marched outside, and come storming back in to start scrubbing the floor. By then, I’ve gone way beyond the 15 minutes, and it’s still not working.
This is when I get serious. This will sound like a contradiction to the 15 Minute Tricks, but it’s necessary to get inside my head for this approach. I force myself to sort through all the tangled thoughts that are swimming around in my brain.
An aside … One day I’m getting my haircut by this gal that I love who runs a beauty shop with her sister. They are chatting about this book that one of them is reading. It has something to do with “Women are Spaghetti and Men are Waffles.” How can you not enjoy an analogy like that? Besides, I absolutely adore spaghetti. I guess the premise is that women have every thought they’ve ever had wrapped around every other thought they’ve ever had. And all those thoughts are standing at the ready to wrap around any new or potential thoughts. Men compartmentalize their thoughts into neat little boxes, like the sections of a waffle. I’ve got to get that book. Anyway, I find that I’ve been enjoying thinking of female brains as plates of spaghetti, and male brains as a bunch of boxes with lids. (I don’t really like waffles. And I admire a guy’s ability to put a topic or thought into a box, put a lid on it, and return to it later. Sometimes they decide they don’t like, never have liked, that thought, and they never go back. I wish I could do that.)
So I’m going with the plate-of-spaghetti analogy. In that plate of spaghetti, or pile of thoughts, there are usually a couple thoughts that seem to be festering among the other relatively innocuous thoughts. The plan is to ferret out the one or two thoughts that seem to be poisoning all the others. The poisonous thoughts are the ones that do me in. I can deal with all the mundane issues. I begin to sort out the thoughts. I’ll see if there’s anything I can do about them, and take some kind of action.
Maybe your laptop is away for repairs. Maybe your laundry is multiplying and making its way down the hall. Maybe toys are littering every corner of the house. Maybe your mom can’t seem to find a way to say anything without hurting your feelings. Maybe the leaves are piling up and waiting for you to go at them with a rake. Maybe the furnace only comes on when you fiddle with the switch on the thermostat. Maybe the person you want to spend the rest of your life with lives 2000 miles away. Maybe you haven’t the slightest clue what to fix for dinner. Continue reading →
10
Nov 09
Don’t Be Fooled By The Narcissist
I just came back from a weekend away. It was just four nights, but it required a lot of preparation to make it possible for me to go. I won’t say that I had to move heaven and earth, but I pretty much had to shift the continental U.S. to make it happen. I probably would most likely have more options for child care if I didn’t have a problem with imposing on others. Accommodators don’t like to impose. That is against our very nature. Add to that the fact that if I’m going away on a little holiday, I can’t enjoy myself if I think my kids are going to be miserable. So, I do bend over backwards to make sure all parties will be relatively happy if I should get the chance to go.
__________
It is not an option for Will and Jenny to stay at their father’s house. They don’t even stay for over-nighters. Eight months ago I took a trip, arranged for the kids to spend part of the time at their father’s, part with an aunt, and part with grandma. Mark could not, or would not, clear his schedule for the entire length of my trip. And it is exhausting for grandma to handle the lifestyle adjustment for the entire trip. I had to get creative. (See what I mean?)
When I returned from my trip, Jenny told me that she wasn’t comfortable spending the night at her dad’s anymore. Will agreed that he wasn’t comfortable staying at Mark’s either. It seems there was an “incident” that made Jenny confused and uncomfortable and she asked me to not make her stay there anymore. I discussed “the incident” with Mark, and of course he denied everything. I had no choice but to trust Jenny. It is my job to protect her. I made the decision to allow the kids to see their father only when I would be present. There would be no over-nighters — ever.
___________ Continue reading →
6
Nov 09
Narcissists Can’t Dance
I got rid of my piano. I gave away the dining room table. We have a tiny house. But now we have some open floor space on the hardwoods in the dining room. It’s going to stay that way. Every morning we listen to music before we head out the door. Will gets to pick on Mondays and Wednesdays. Jenny picks on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I get Fridays. Most of the time, we are brushing our teeth while dancing in the middle of the dining room. It sets a happier tone and helps us choose a better attitude before we really get the day going.
In addition to saying your kind words to yourself each day, you ought to be making music a big part of your life. There are times when it’s comforting to listen to sad stuff. Sad music allows you to wallow in your mess a bit. You shouldn’t do that for long. But sometimes it’s necessary to feel crappy about your situation. It serves the same purpose as venting to a friend who will listen. Music shares your pain. After a couple or three moody songs, then it’s time to pick something fast, fun and in-your-face. Our current favorites are “Rocks in Your Shoes” by Emily West, and “Heaven” by Los Lonely Boys. Will and Jen know all the words by heart. I’m pretty sure they haven’t listened enough to get the meaning. But they love the beat.
When I was a kid we had a Hammond Organ. Wow. It’s great fun when you are a sixth grader comparing notes on what instrument you play. One kid plays the flute. One kid plays the trumpet. The cool kid plays the drums. The even cooler kid plays the guitar. And the nerdy girl plays the organ. I got to take organ lessons. That’s probably when I first learned to be self-deprecating. If you can’t laugh at yourself for taking organ lessons, then you better develop a thicker skin.
My mom had a thing for playing the piano and then the organ. She tells how when she and my dad first divorced, she would tuck my brother in his bed, and me in my bed, fix a stiff drink, put on the headphones, and play the organ — really loud. It was her way of shouting at the world. Her way of expressing all that anger and resentment.
I hate the organ. I have an iPod. Lucky me. The three of us enjoy it in the morning. I enjoy it all by myself at night. I’ve noticed that I’ve gravitated toward the fast, take-on-the world kind of songs; and away from the sad, what-about-me songs. And the dancing is a big part of the music. We all dance like maniacs around here. It’s a great way to have fun with each other. And for me, it’s a great way to relieve stress. Who cares what you look like? It’s about the fun of expressing the music. Continue reading →
4
Nov 09
Housekeeping
My bathroom is dirty. The kitchen floor needs to be mopped. I probably haven’t vacuumed in … I’m not going to tell you how long it has been. I was just brushing my teeth, noticed the spots on the bathroom mirror, the dusty bathroom floor and thought, “Hm, I really ought to get to that.” I finished my teeth, turned off the bathroom light and walked away. I can walk away from things like that now. I get to determine when I handle those chores.
I get to decide what time we eat dinner. If dinner is lousy, I don’t get any dirty looks or snide comments. I choose what I want to watch on T.V. – when we’re done watching the Disney Channel. I hang pictures where I want. I rake the leaves if I want, or not. I don’t make the beds every day. ( I never have understood that custom. You get out of bed, you eat breakfast, get dressed, go to work or school, come home, do homework, eat dinner and go to bed. No one is there all day to notice that the bed is made. What is the point?)
By now you are thinking I am a slob. I’m actually organized and kind of tidy. But my priorities are different now. After work and school, we work on homework, throw the football, make some birthday cards, eat dinner together, play cribbage or CandyLand. We talk about our day. We commiserate and plan and laugh and drive each other crazy. We enjoy each other and appreciate being together.
And, yes, we do clean the house together. The kids are wonderful about helping because there isn’t the pressure to make everything perfect. Usually we tackle things when I know someone is about to stop by. Then I say, “Okay you guys, go into the livingroom, and if there’s any of your stuff in there, find where it lives.” Then Jenny will usually say, “Are we doing that thing where we pretend like we aren’t messy?”
If I had to suggest a housekeeping tip, it would be this: Make the decision to keep a different house, not the narcissist’s house.
