Posts Tagged: narcissistic behavior

Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 26 Comments
30
Aug 09

Narcissists And Gift-Giving

Somewhere in the last week of January, 2006, Mark came home from work and emptied three plastic grocery bags on the kitchen counter.  I could tell by the look on his face that he was quite proud of himself.  With shoulders back and head held high he said, “Well, I’m not going to get in trouble on Valentine’s Day this year.  I had to pick up some stuff for work, so I thought I’d get you crossed off the list.”

I said, “Wow, Valentine’s Day is three weeks away and you already got your shopping done.”  All the while I was thinking to myself, geez you might wanna wrap something, or keep it hidden for a couple weeks.

No, he needed to bask in the glow of his accomplishment.  And, he needed to get Valentine’s Day crossed off the list, so we could all get back to the important things, like making sure he was our top priority.

“Here,” he says, “your favorite chocolates.  A nice big box of ’em.  And there’s a card in there somewhere, too.  Go ahead and find it and I’ll sign it when I get a chance.”

Will took one look at the box of chocolates and said, “Hey Dad, those caramel chocolates are your favorites.   Mom likes that yucky dark chocolate stuff.” Continue reading →

Opportunistic — Comments Off on The Opportunivore
28
Aug 09

The Opportunivore

Out of curiosity, I Googled the word Opportunivore.  The Urban Dictionary defines an Opportunivore as, “an individual who seeks food in any situation where no exchange of capital is needed.”  I’ll take some liberties with that definition and change it to, “an individual who seeks adulation and admiration in any situation and assumes no reciprocating is needed.”

Narcissists are incredibly accomplished Opportunivores.  Give them any situation, and they can make sure that it is all about them.  Case in point, yesterday was the first day of school.  In our little family, the tradition is to take pictures in the morning before school.  Just the kids at home – no fanfare, no crowds, not in front of the school building.  Mark opted to greet the kids at the school once class got out.  That way he could be seen scooping up his beautiful children, and he could perform for an audience of admiring parents and teachers.

And today while I was relieving stress on the hill in front of the house, I noticed Mark and Will in Mark’s car.  From my vantage I could see the car suddenly start and then stop with a lot of jerking and rocking.  It turns out that Mark decided today was a good day to teach Will how to drive.  Will is ten.  I learned later that Will didn’t ask to drive the car.  Mark made the suggestion.

I know how Mark operates.  If he grants the kids special privileges, he gets rewarded with more admiration and attention.  Apparently, he wasn’t getting enough attention from Will, so he grandstanded and suggested that this would be a good day for Will to learn to drive.  Then, when they had completed the lesson, Mark scooped Will up for a “there’s  my good boy” hug.

Do you see the contradiction there? Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — 3 Comments
25
Aug 09

Enlightenment

It had been about six weeks since the kids and I had moved out.  Mark and I were still going to counseling.  At one point, he told me that he was convinced that my leaving was a temporary thing.  He figured I’d get a little space, have a chance to miss him, and come running back with the realization that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

He believed I would come to my senses and see what was best for all of us, especially Will and Jenny.

I hadn’t completely given up, but I knew things would have to change dramatically before I would give any thought to the possibility of moving back.

Somewhere during this time I had picked up a copy of Real Simple Magazine and read an article about narcissism.  I vividly remember handing my mom the magazine and telling her to read the article. “Mom!  She’s talking about your parents.”

Moments later, mom hands back the magazine and says, “Honey, this is your husband.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — Comments Off on The Voice of the Narcissist
20
Aug 09

The Voice of the Narcissist

pumpkin patchMark and I hadn’t been dating long.  One late summer evening we were taking a walk through a nice neighborhood I had grown up in.  I was kind of hoping that I would see someone I knew so that someone I knew would see me with Mark.

I was in the googly-eyed phase of the relationship.  I still couldn’t believe that a guy this handsome and this charming actually wanted to be with me.  So, naturally, I wanted the world to see me with him.  Then the world would think, “Wow, that Jesse is something, isn’t she.  She’s with Mark.”

Even though I was so charmed by him and enthralled with the idea of being with him, there was something that just didn’t sit right with me.  I felt petty for even mentioning it.  Part of me was afraid that if I criticized anything he did, that he’d dump me.  Maybe the thing that bugged me, wasn’t a big enough thing to risk sacrificing being with Mark.

I was almost 30 years old at the time.  I was starting to understand how important it was for me to express my desires and be open in a relationship.  We were strolling, holding hands, and I felt very close to him.  In a very gentle, non-confrontational way I asked him why he often talked to me in a sing-song voice.

(This voice was kind of cute in the beginning.  I had wondered if that was a voice that he used when he was finding his way in a new relationship.  Maybe he didn’t know how to get close to a woman or be intimate, so he resorted to this patronizing voice.  I hoped that he would get comfortable enough with me that he could drop the annoying voice.) Continue reading →

Control — 2 Comments
17
Aug 09

Sweeping the Floor

sweepingI would not win any awards for my housekeeping skills.  Quite frankly, it would sadden me if I learned that awards were actually given out for such a thing.  I am not a slob, but I value hanging with my kids, reading, gardening, and fresh air over a clean floor.    I don’t think my less-than-perfect domestic skills are a character flaw. We live in our house for a few days at a stretch, and then I hit a wall and we straighten things up and “pretend that we aren’t messy,” as my daughter likes to say.  No one would eat off of our floor, but that’s why we have tables.

So while I may not get the award for cleanest floors, I did set a record for numbers of failed attempts at getting the floor perfectly clean.  My ex was incredibly patient with me when it came to training me how to properly clean hardwood floors.  We would have lengthy discussions (lectures) on technique, cleansers and tools.   I’m sure he was thinking that even a trained monkey could do a better job than I; and if he could create a tool that even a monkey could operate, surely I would be able to get the job done.

That was our routine.  I would get out of bed in the morning, he would head off to work, and I would begin the task of implementing both the instructions and the proper tools for making his hardwoods beautiful.  I say “his” because in all the time I lived there, it always felt like it was his house.  It got to the point where I would get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about 15 minutes before he was due home.  I knew that I had failed, once again, and that I would have to endure another lecture.

He never raised his voice.  He didn’t even look at me crossly or give me some sort of resigned sigh that would indicate the hopelessness of my attempts.  He would talk to me like your second grade teacher talked to you when you just couldn’t get your a’s to look like an a with the proper curve of the ending tail.

Remember how she would patiently explain that you must make the a have that tail so that it is properly distinguished from the o?  In second grade that tone of voice is warm and comforting.  Coming from your husband, that tone of voice is grating and irritating, mostly because you realize that your husband doesn’t think you are any more intelligent than a second grader. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Moving On / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
15
Aug 09

Narcissism and Counseling

turbineSomewhere during the time that I left my marriage and discovered Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) I was going to a marriage counselor.  We actually went to counseling as a couple.  My ex didn’t put a lot of stock in counseling.  He’d tried during his first marriage and wasn’t impressed.

(Obviously it didn’t take, since I was his second marriage.)

Things had to get pretty bad before he would agree to go with me.  When he finally agreed, he said he was going to discuss my issues, since he didn’t have any issues, and wasn’t doing anything wrong.  I didn’t hold out a lot of hope that anything would change, since that was his attitude going into the sessions.

Now, after educating myself in all this narcissism stuff, I often wonder how the counselor didn’t catch it.  How come he didn’t see all the signs?  On the one hand, I’m glad I’m not the only one who was dazzled by my ex’s charms.  I’d hate to think that I was the only idiot who was blinded by his charisma.  But I really thought that someone trained in disorders would see through the charm.

During each of our sessions, my ex would speak in his typical condescending, patronizing tone.  It was as if he was saying, “I’m just patiently going through the motions because you will soon discover that there’s nothing that I need to change.  It will become clear that you have all the problems.  You will realize how fortunate you are to be married to me.  You will see that you are making things difficult for yourself.  I will be here for you to adore, once you come out the other side and confess to all that you’ve done wrong.” Continue reading →

Moving On — Comments Off on Leaving
12
Aug 09

Leaving

suitcaseI didn’t know that I was married to a Narcissist when I decided to leave.  I wish I could tell you what the last straw was.  When I think back to that sunny Saturday in July, I try to find where my head was.  It’s not like I had gone to bed the night before, with a plan.  I have never been the kind of person to leave and come back, break up and get back together.  It feels like crossing a bridge.  Once I’ve crossed the bridge, I don’t go back.

On that morning, I had reached a wall or a limit.  I grabbed three boxes, and handed each kid a box, keeping one for my self.  I told them to put their most favorite things in their box.  I told them that we wouldn’t be staying at this house anymore.  I made a game out of it – no long faces, no lengthy explanations.

We were going on an adventure.

He walked in while we were packing and asked what we were doing.  I explained that we were packing boxes for moving.  Without hesitation he asked, “Do you want me to get the truck to help you with the boxes?”

(Weeks later I found the courage to tell him that I had always hoped I had the kind of marriage where, if I decided to leave, my partner might actually attempt to come after me.  I know that contradicts the “crossing the bridge” explanation.  It’s not that I would have actually stayed.  But I really thought/hoped I might have been asked to stay; that this person might have cared enough to try to get me to stay.) Continue reading →

Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 14 Comments
8
Aug 09

The beginning …

110208-0231This is the beginning.

This is where I start to sort out what it means to survive narcissism.  I am still coming out on the other side of this relationship.  I’m not sure anyone knows how long it takes to make sense of the experience.  Maybe I will always attempt to make sense of it.  But with lots of humor and the help of great friends, I’m beginning to see what I’ve learned, and what I continue to learn about why I ended up in a relationship with a narcissist.

Now I can say that it continues to be an entertaining journey.  I’m not sure I would say that if I hadn’t gotten out.  When I was in the relationship, I was too busy looking at the trees to see the forest.  From this new perspective, the forest isn’t scary anymore.  And the trees weren’t that difficult to cut down.  I’m braver than I thought I could be.  Now I can see that those trees were comical, not menacing.  I’m sure it sounds crazy when I say the trees were comical, but if I hadn’t laughed at the bizarreness of those episodes, I’d still be there, struggling for my next breath.

I gained a lot of confidence from educating myself about this disorder.  This blog helps me to vent, make sense of, laugh at, and maybe even help someone else.  This blog will not be clinical, or negative, or cynical.  There is a time when a survivor needs to commiserate, and feel sad, and lick wounds.  This blog is about how crazy, funny, insane and ridiculous it is to live with a narcissist.  It is that humor that made me realize that my relationship was not normal.  His behavior was too strange.  It was not because I continued to screw up.  His behavior WAS NOT NORMAL.  I’ve got a lot of stories.  Maybe those stories will shed some new light on this disorder.  At any rate, it’s always good to share stories with other survivors.  There’s nothing quite like that moment when a survivor looks at you and knows exactly what you are talking about because they’ve been there.  There’s nothing quite like the feeling of having all this craziness understood by another in a way that only happens if that person has experienced the same thing.

Revision (2/5/10) Continue reading →

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