Posts Tagged: NPD

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 Comments
4
May 10

Update on the Counseling Process

We haven’t heard a word from Mark.

The kids and I talked over the weekend and came up with a proposal.  We wanted to suggest a visitation schedule that we could live with.  Mark has indicated that he would like to see them more frequently.  The kids say, “Absolutely Not.”  We think we’ve come up with something to appease Mark.  We hope that he will see that a few visits are better than nothing at all.

See?  There we go hoping again.

Yesterday morning I called Mark and ended up leaving a message.  I selected what I hoped sounded like an encouraging/positive voice.  I told him that we were looking forward to talking to him after his counseling session – which was yesterday.  I asked him to please call us so that we could discuss how to proceed from here.

I called again in the afternoon.  No answer.

Now what? Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Tools — 11 Comments
30
Apr 10

It Is What It Is

The original title for this post was going to be, “The Good, The Bad and Reality”.  I let myself whirl about in another tailspin after receiving a letter from Mark on Wednesday, and then a lovely phone call from him yesterday morning.  When I got off the phone, I felt the messed up stomach that I’d lived with for years.  But more importantly, I felt the walls of our home – our little sanctuary – close in around us.  It’s the way a mouse must feel when caught in one of those “humane” traps.  Those are the traps you get if you want to catch them, but not kill them.  But the problem with those traps is that you forget to check them, so the mouse ends up dying this slow, agonizing death by starvation.

I can think of a handful of times when, after a conversation with Mark, I have felt fear.  I didn’t feel frightened that he might hit me, or throw me against a wall.  Nor have I lost sleep over the possibility of Mark raising a hand to Jen or Will.  I can’t seem to find words to describe the feeling.  It seems like fear.  It feels a bit like hair standing up on the back of my neck.  It isn’t every time I talk to him.  It has happened maybe 6 or 8 times in all the years I’ve known him.  It is a visceral reaction.  It hits me at my very core.  It isn’t based on any kind of logic.

I think.

But there is a sense of panic – like the mouse must feel when he knows that he isn’t going to be set free.

Yesterday I got that panic feeling.  On a whim, I sat down at my computer and in the Google search box I typed, “narcissism and evil”.  I’m not going to link you to what I found.  It’s depressing and frightening. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Quotes — 2 Comments
29
Apr 10

Now What

I think that if you shake the tree, you ought to be around when the fruit falls to pick it up.
Mary Cassatt

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
29
Apr 10

Approaching Full-Circle

“So it’s pretty obvious that you didn’t try to coach your kids before you came in today.”  That’s what the counselor first said, when I walked into her office after she’d met first, with Will, and then with Jenny.  I explained that I thought it was better/healthier to not over-talk this appointment.  (You probably didn’t know I could not over-talk something.)  I had explained to them that they would be very comfortable talking to her.  They didn’t need to worry about me or their dad hearing what they said.  They could complain about me, too, if they so felt.  There were no right or wrong answers.  And this was a great way for them to get some stuff off their chests.

Interestingly, the counselor pointed out that a lot of kids, upon entering her office, frantically unload their brains in an effort to spew everything they’ve been coached to say, in hopes of not getting in trouble for forgetting to say everything.

Yikes.

I believe we have to trust, that if we are headed down the right path, then we better not impede the process by trying to force our desired outcome.

Then she showed me their drawings.  It was absolutely fascinating to see how she interpreted the sketches.  She’s been employing the House/Tree/Person technique for 16 years.  I knew my kids would be comfortable with sketching since they draw every day. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 13 Comments
27
Apr 10

Being Heard

It feels like complete acceptance, total respect, absolute acknowledgment and warmth all wrapped into one big bear hug.  It’s not the first time I’ve been heard.  I have amazing family and friends who have supported me and believed me about NPD and it’s effects on my family.  Even so, there was always a glimmer of doubt that perhaps I had been clinging so desperately to the belief that my ex was a narcissist, in a vain attempt at making sense of a messed up marriage.

The validation that comes with speaking to a professional –  someone who understands personality disorders –  is an entirely new level of understanding.  And prior to yesterday’s visit, I’d been to two other counselors who had completely dismissed me.

I had decided to not play the narcissism card right off the bat.  I had a lot of time to present a picture of the history of my relationship with Mark, from the time we first started dating.  I included my observations about the boys from his previous marriage and how I had assumed, based on what Mark had told me, that his relationship with them was strained because of his ex-wife’s influence.

I tried my hardest to leave out emotion, name-calling (that was really hard) and nit-picking.  I presented clear-cut examples of bizarre treatments and behaviors.  I told her how Mark announced when Will was 6 weeks old, that this family thing wasn’t for him.  I told her how the kids weren’t allowed to makes messes in his house.  I told her how he would remove himself from conversations if the talk didn’t center on him.  I told her about the insidious picking and critiques of Will and Jen’s hair styles, wardrobes and choice of hobbies.  I told her how I kept trying, after our separation, to come up with suggestions of what Mark and the kids could do together.  I told her that I opened my house to him for visits, even after learning about “the incident”.  I told her about how the kids refuse to call him on his behavior because of potential repercussions.

Periodically, she would look at me in total dismay.  Several times, as she was writing fast and furiously, she would say, “Wait.  Back up?  What did he say?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
26
Apr 10

Kismet

Just a brief update because my head is in the clouds and I can’t articulate well, right now.

It went so damn well that I don’t know where to begin.

I wanted to write a great illustration of what it feels like when things go well.  I wanted to tease, and lead into a story, and draw it out.

But I hate that when someone has something to say, and they won’t cut to the chase.

It WENT SO WELL.

And I am encouraged.  I’m excited for my kids to talk to her. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 Comments
26
Apr 10

Transitive Property

Dang.  It’s hard to type through tears.  Happy tears, that is.

My notes are ready.  I’m drinking hot water instead of my usual coffee.  No point in making myself any more jittery.  I’m reminding myself to take deep breaths.  Mother nature cooperated by bringing us a big beautiful sunny sky.  I feel brave and strong and even a little excited.  Weird.

This feeling is reminiscent of the one and only time I ever jumped off the high board at swimming lessons.  I wanted to climb back down that ladder so damn bad.  I stood there forever, covered in goosebumps with my elbows pressed against my sides, and my hands tightly clasped under my little pointy chin.  I so wanted to show everybody that I was brave, but really I was scared shitless.  It took me forever to make the jump.  I could feel my stomach climbing to my throat.  I closed my eyes, counted to 10 (real slow) and jumped.

I didn’t die.  It was exhilarating, scary, and fun.  And it hurt.

I’ve never done it since.  But, at least I DID it.

__________ Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 11 Comments
25
Apr 10

Dodging Bullets and Taking Notes

Whew!

We’ve been running around all weekend.  The busier we are, the easier it is to avoid the phone, to not think about Monday, to pretend that life is normal.  We are practicing the art of distraction.  Damn.  We are good at distractions.

Will walked over to me midday yesterday.  He was fidgety, blinking, pacing and unable to focus.  I took one look at him and I knew what was churning in his brain.  He and I are on the same frequency.  I turned my chair from the computer, to face him, and I didn’t say a word.  He looked at me with these huge, pleading brown eyes and said,  “Mom.  I’ve got to get out of here.  I can’t quit thinking about dad.  I’ve got to get myself busy.”  Just then Jenny chimed in with, “Mom.  If the phone rings, I’m not here.”

So we took off.  We’ve been going and coming and visiting and moving and avoiding.

I have to collect my thoughts by tomorrow.

Here’s what scares me. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — Comments Off on The Picnic Table
17
Apr 10

The Picnic Table

picnic-tablea dream… Every so often, one of us would lose grip on our side of the table, and the legs would scrape against the sidewalk.  The scraping sound seemed to echo in this warm, starlit night.  It was close to midnight, and there wasn’t a hint of a breeze.  I found myself wishing for a wind that would muffle the sounds of our shuffling and scraping.  The three of us were carrying a large picnic table from house to house, sneaking into garages, trying to find a can of paint.

We were on a frantic mission to get this beat up old table painted.  And we were scared to death of getting caught.  I kept whispering encouragement.  Jenny was crying and pleading to go home.  Will’s eyes were doing that nervous tic/blinking thing, but he was not going to give up.  If I said we needed to paint this damn table, then he was going to help me get it done.

We’d drag our table into a garage and quickly scan the shelves for a can of paint.  My heart was racing, I was breathing hard, and I was terrified that we’d wake someone and get caught on our mission.  I kept looking at Will and Jenny, trying to gauge how much longer I’d be able to get them to help.  My panic was made worse by the fact that I knew I shouldn’t be forcing my kids to do this.  I knew that a good mom wouldn’t put her kids in such a precarious situation.  They were doing as I told them to do.  They were frightened and exhausted.

After we left the fourth garage, without a can of paint, I woke up.

__________ Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — Comments Off on Same Zip Code
17
Apr 10

Same Zip Code

boundaryHola Friends,

I have not found a new zip code.  I’m still here.  I have been putting out fires, reinforcing boundaries and meeting the train head on.  I was inspired by what Julie Roads had to say about dealing with things instead of running from them, or putting them off, in ‘Rapid Hearts‘.

It proves to be a test of whether I really can take charge — an exhilarating, empowering test.

The wasband has contacted a counselor and his lawyer.  He wants to work on being the dad his kids need.  Perhaps that is a good thing.  I’m not even hoping for that anymore.  I’m staying the course, raising my kids, raking the yard, walking the hill and getting excited about vacation.

And planning out my next posts. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 16 Comments
14
Apr 10

Just Who Is In Charge Here?

Jenny got off the phone, raked her fingers through her hair (just like I do when I’m stressed) and she gasped, “Why do I have to be so nice?  Why can’t I tell him that he uses the voice?”

And the cycle continues…

Mark asked her if he used the voice with her; she denied it because her knee-jerk is to be nice and compliant; and he thinks I’m feeding him crap about the kids and their reactions to his visits.

And then it hit me.

I AM IN CHARGE. I am the grown up here.  Such that I am. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Opportunistic / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 10 Comments
12
Apr 10

As The Narcissist’s World Turns

Dammit.  I don’t really want to write about this.  I so want to be done with all of this.  It is more of what I’ve already written.  It is more of what others have already written on the subject of narcissism.  But I have made a commitment to myself, and ultimately, to anyone who takes the time to read this blog – that person who, in the middle of the night, when sleep won’t come, desperately searches the internet in hopes of finding answers.  This is for those who still cling to the possibility that things could work out, that hope and goodness will prevail.

I have to write for them.

It started Sunday morning when the kids opened their in-boxes.   Mark wrote them each an email.  In Will’s email, he explained that I had indicated that Will would be calling.  Mark twisted things around, again, and made it sound like we were wanting the dust to settle, and would get in touch when we were ready.  He forgot the part about the kids expecting initiative and change on Mark’s part.  Mark’s email to Jen sounded like he was picking up where he’d left off, and that nothing had ever happened.

So…  the kids wrote emails saying they did not want to see him until he made it clear that he was ready to treat Jen like she’s seven years old, and that he demonstrates to Will that he is ready to make Jen and Will priorities.  The kids were pretty agitated that Mark would expect that he wouldn’t have to do anything, and that everyone would pick up where things had been left.

We’ve seen this too many times. Continue reading →

Moving On — 3 Comments
7
Apr 10

Cookies with the Girls

barbies-tea-partyAnother one for the “If All Else Fails” File.  Make cookies and have the girls over.  I had to follow the last downer of a post with something happier.  Will and I scooped the chocolate chip cookie dough, and Jen scooped teensy tiny cookies for Barbie and Sophie.  She baked them off in the toaster oven and invited me and Will to a party.  That’s a miniature bowl of frosting next to the plate of cookies.

About a year ago, I was telling the kids that one day after school, when I was in about 5th or 6th grade, while mom was at work,  I made a batch of chocolate chip cookies.  Only I didn’t bake them.  My brother and I sat and watched “The Brady Bunch” and ate the whole bowl of raw cookie dough.

Sometimes I just can’t stop stuff from exiting my mouth.  It enters my brain and high tails it out of my mouth before I even give thought to deploying the filters.

Will wants to know when he will get to eat a bowl of cookie dough.

I guess it’s good that he hasn’t figured out that he’s supposed to sneak behind my back to do something like that. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Moving On / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
7
Apr 10

When Accommodators Cave

“Please!  Someone whack my knuckles with a ruler.  Now!”  That was the plea I sent out to the Twitter Universe a few weeks ago.  I was trying desperately to prevent myself from emailing John.  Annie, bless her heart, sent back a virtual whacking that sounded something like, “There.  You’ve been whacked.”

And the next night I caved.

It had been 16 whole, long, sad, dreary days since I’d sent him an email or received anything from him.  Truth be told, he was out of cell range or internet access, and he couldn’t communicate.  (Although, I don’t know that he’d actually have written, if I hadn’t written first.)  On the 16th night I couldn’t stop my fingers.  I sent an email that said I missed him.

He wrote back, within 13 minutes, to say that he missed me.

Here’s a brief list of things that I just don’t understand: Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — 8 Comments
6
Apr 10

Life Lessons and Lamb Poop

4-minutes-old“And that is another great example of how there are so many different ways to make a living.”  My grandfather used to say that.  He’d had his share of different careers – mechanic, draftsman, lumber yard manager and more that I can’t remember.  We’d be playing Yahtzee, visiting about someone we both knew, and he’d marvel at how the world was changing and people were finding new and interesting ways to make a living.

Today the kids and I got to see a way of life that hasn’t changed much.  A dear friend invited us to see what goes on during lambing.  It was 39 degrees with low gray clouds that  just started to release snow when we pulled up to the old barn.  There were sheep everywhere, and lambs anywhere from two minutes old to a couple days old.

I wasn’t sure how Jen and Will would take to the whole thing.  It was cold and muddy and smelly and wet.

They jumped right in.

They could hardly wait to scoop up these newborn lambs.  They got to bottle feed the bum lambs – the ones that are rejected by their moms.  It requires a thick skin to do this for a living – you can’t possibly save all the rejected lambs.  I thought we’d end up with a car full of new pets.  It can be cruel, but the process is so labor-intensive and exhausting, that it doesn’t leave much time for tears over the sickly ones. Continue reading →

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