Posts Tagged: NPD
21
Nov 09
Quit Wanting
What if we quit wanting? What if we accepted what was in front us? What if we quit wanting things to be different? What if we set out to change what wasn’t working, and then learned to accept what is just fine?
What if we quit wanting to change our partner, our children, our jobs, our house, our neighbors, and our co-workers?
What if we made the best of what we had, instead of opting for what might be better?
What if we quit wanting better or best, and came to love what might very well be quite good enough?
Can that be done if you are in a relationship with a Narcissist? Continue reading →
18
Nov 09
Crossing Paths
Jenny is bummed because her closest friend is drifting away. Last year they were in the same class. This year they are in different classes, and while we arrange for the girls to get together outside of class, the relationship is definitely changing. Jen doesn’t understand why Hailey isn’t interested in the same things anymore. Jen wants to know why Hailey doesn’t listen anymore. That’s tough for a 2nd grader. And it’s tough for a 2nd grader’s mom.
But the issue with Hailey opened up an interesting conversation for the three of us. I was trying to explain to Jen and Will about friendships and relationships, in general. I’ve gotten that email about friends, a couple times, now. You know the one — it talks about how some people come into your life briefly, some come into your life for awhile, and some come into your life to stay.
I was trying to explain to Jen that she and Hailey had paths that were headed in the same direction for awhile. They liked the same things, told the same secrets, and giggled at the same time. That was lovely for awhile. But people change, and sometimes their path takes them in a different direction. That’s not a bad thing. It’s a little sad, because you still wish that person’s path was along side yours. But it’s exciting to think that you will be bumping into another person, who may be on the same path as you. And then, at some point, your path will change, and you will veer off in a new direction. I wanted them to see that they should be happy that their paths intersect with other paths for lots of reasons. They should see the benefit of those crossings and not be so blue when the paths head off in new directions. They get to take all the things they learn, and all those shared experiences with them on their own new path.
Of course, that led to my talking about how Mark and I were on the same path for awhile. I wanted them to understand how grateful I am that my path crossed with Mark’s. If it hadn’t, there wouldn’t be Will and Jenny. Naturally, they both wanted to know why my path wasn’t the same as Mark’s anymore. I started to give them that tired old excuse about how people grow and change, and blah, blah, blah. But my kids are pretty visual. I wanted to give them something that would drive the point home. I explained that Mark and I were sort of driving down this path, but it was like we were in two separate cars. I guess I wasn’t comfortable in his car, and he didn’t particularly like my car. His car was fancy and pristine. His car was very organized. You couldn’t drink coffee in his car or eat Goldfish Crackers in his car. Booster seats never really fit properly in his car. My car had plenty of room for booster seats, graham crackers, granola bars, wipes, bikes, stuffed animals, books, papers, crayons, and frisbees.
One day, as we were headed down our path, side-by-side, in our two separate cars, it was like my hand involuntarily (or maybe not so involuntarily) yanked on the steering wheel, my car went out of control, and I crashed right into his car and caused a seriously messed up demolition. I reminded them of those cool demolition derbies that they see on T.V., where the car is totally trashed, but the driver jumps out, arms in the air, grinning from ear to ear. I tried to explain that I had been ready for a new path for awhile. I wasn’t happy traveling that same path with their dad anymore. In order to head out on a new path, I made the choice to not be married to their dad any longer. I pointed out that divorce is a lot like a demolition derby. There’s a lot of messed up cars, but usually everybody walks away intact. Some drivers, of course, come out of the derby much happier than others.
16
Nov 09
Narcissists and Friendship
A very dear friend called this weekend. We’ve known each other since college. She’s one of those special friends that, although we may not get to visit as much as I’d like, when we do talk, we pick up right where we left off. She’d been reading my blog and thought maybe I needed a call. I didn’t realize I was sending out an S.O.S. That’s a beautiful thing about good friends, they often know you better than you know yourself. They can tell when you are feeling vulnerable, they can appreciate your successes, they know your different phases. They can tell you to quit taking yourself so seriously, just as you can do that for them.
When I was first dating Mark, I was curious about the fact that he didn’t have any friends. Actually, there was one guy that he would do a few things with, but he was kind of an odd duck. He didn’t have any friends, either. I just assumed that Mark poured himself into his business, and he didn’t have any time to cultivate friendships. Funny how you can so easily turn a negative into a positive when you are in a new relationship. Then, when Mark and I had been married for awhile, I would think to myself, “Well, I guess he just prefers to spend his time with me when he’s not working.”
I would have killed to be a hunting widow or a golf widow. Every healthy relationship needs those spaces where you go away, get a new perspective, and come back to look at your partner with fresh eyes. You don’t need to go away for a long time. Maybe you need an afternoon break, or a weekend break. Never having a break from your partner is like never changing the sheets on your bed. They can get pretty stale and smelly.
Several years into our marriage, Mark would rant about how I prevented him from going on his mountain adventures. He felt tied down and never got to take off like he did before we were married. I had heard the stories of his adventures. In most cases, he was by himself. I think he was angry with himself for not wanting to go by himself any more, and so he directed the anger at me.
Narcissists are lousy at friendship. They aren’t interested in carrying on a conversation unless the talk is all about them. And they sure aren’t going to spend any time worrying about someone else’s issues, feelings or concerns. A close friend of ours was going through a divorce. I had invited her for dinner. I wanted her to know that she had our support while she went through a difficult time. We shared some beers on the front deck, and we just let her vent. That’s what friends do. At one point, Mark got out of his lawn chair and headed into the house. I thought he was getting something to drink. He didn’t come back. He didn’t come back for dinner, either. I made some excuse for our friend, saying something like, “Oh, Mark hasn’t been feeling well.” I had seen him do this before — get up from the dinner table, or simply leave a room in the middle of a conversation. His rudeness astounded me. After the friend had gone home, I asked what had happened to him. He simply said, “I was bored with the conversation and wasn’t interested in sticking around for any more.” That is precisely why he’d find himself alone on his mountain trips.
13
Nov 09
Forget It
Don’t sweat it: If you’ve got a problem, look at it. If you can solve it, do it. If you can’t, forget about it.
Unknown
13
Nov 09
When A 15 Minute Trick Doesn’t Cut It
I’ve been around the block a few times — sometimes even stomping my feet while I make the pass. I know that, in some cases, a few deep breaths, or a glass of water, or a handful of nuts, or a self-imposed time-out just won’t do the trick. Hell, I’ve even chugged the glass of water, grabbed the handful of nuts, marched outside, and come storming back in to start scrubbing the floor. By then, I’ve gone way beyond the 15 minutes, and it’s still not working.
This is when I get serious. This will sound like a contradiction to the 15 Minute Tricks, but it’s necessary to get inside my head for this approach. I force myself to sort through all the tangled thoughts that are swimming around in my brain.
An aside … One day I’m getting my haircut by this gal that I love who runs a beauty shop with her sister. They are chatting about this book that one of them is reading. It has something to do with “Women are Spaghetti and Men are Waffles.” How can you not enjoy an analogy like that? Besides, I absolutely adore spaghetti. I guess the premise is that women have every thought they’ve ever had wrapped around every other thought they’ve ever had. And all those thoughts are standing at the ready to wrap around any new or potential thoughts. Men compartmentalize their thoughts into neat little boxes, like the sections of a waffle. I’ve got to get that book. Anyway, I find that I’ve been enjoying thinking of female brains as plates of spaghetti, and male brains as a bunch of boxes with lids. (I don’t really like waffles. And I admire a guy’s ability to put a topic or thought into a box, put a lid on it, and return to it later. Sometimes they decide they don’t like, never have liked, that thought, and they never go back. I wish I could do that.)
So I’m going with the plate-of-spaghetti analogy. In that plate of spaghetti, or pile of thoughts, there are usually a couple thoughts that seem to be festering among the other relatively innocuous thoughts. The plan is to ferret out the one or two thoughts that seem to be poisoning all the others. The poisonous thoughts are the ones that do me in. I can deal with all the mundane issues. I begin to sort out the thoughts. I’ll see if there’s anything I can do about them, and take some kind of action.
Maybe your laptop is away for repairs. Maybe your laundry is multiplying and making its way down the hall. Maybe toys are littering every corner of the house. Maybe your mom can’t seem to find a way to say anything without hurting your feelings. Maybe the leaves are piling up and waiting for you to go at them with a rake. Maybe the furnace only comes on when you fiddle with the switch on the thermostat. Maybe the person you want to spend the rest of your life with lives 2000 miles away. Maybe you haven’t the slightest clue what to fix for dinner. Continue reading →
12
Nov 09
In Under 15 Minutes
I was irritated this afternoon. I was pissy, bitchy, frustrated and crabby. I felt like I was on the verge of a full-fledged funk. No, it wasn’t my period. No, Mark hadn’t done anything. I was out-of-sorts.
History has taught me that if I don’t get a handle on this crabbiness, it can go deep. I didn’t have the time or patience to walk the hill. I’m trying to be disciplined and not reach for a glass of wine. I needed to do something quick, between helping with homework and cooking dinner.
When I was married to Mark, we had a neighbor who was a lovely lady. I’d see her occasionally and she was always pleasant and encouraging. I always looked harried and tired. She didn’t have a clue about my marriage to a narcissist. She probably assumed that I looked the way I did because I was home all day with two little kids.
She’d often look at me with kind eyes and say, “This, too, shall pass.” Initially, I would find comfort in her words, but later I became annoyed with that expression. I kept wondering, “Just when will this pass? How long do I have to wait? Can’t I speed this up a bit?”
I needed to play a more active role in getting through those episodes. Continue reading →
10
Nov 09
Don’t Be Fooled By The Narcissist
I just came back from a weekend away. It was just four nights, but it required a lot of preparation to make it possible for me to go. I won’t say that I had to move heaven and earth, but I pretty much had to shift the continental U.S. to make it happen. I probably would most likely have more options for child care if I didn’t have a problem with imposing on others. Accommodators don’t like to impose. That is against our very nature. Add to that the fact that if I’m going away on a little holiday, I can’t enjoy myself if I think my kids are going to be miserable. So, I do bend over backwards to make sure all parties will be relatively happy if I should get the chance to go.
__________
It is not an option for Will and Jenny to stay at their father’s house. They don’t even stay for over-nighters. Eight months ago I took a trip, arranged for the kids to spend part of the time at their father’s, part with an aunt, and part with grandma. Mark could not, or would not, clear his schedule for the entire length of my trip. And it is exhausting for grandma to handle the lifestyle adjustment for the entire trip. I had to get creative. (See what I mean?)
When I returned from my trip, Jenny told me that she wasn’t comfortable spending the night at her dad’s anymore. Will agreed that he wasn’t comfortable staying at Mark’s either. It seems there was an “incident” that made Jenny confused and uncomfortable and she asked me to not make her stay there anymore. I discussed “the incident” with Mark, and of course he denied everything. I had no choice but to trust Jenny. It is my job to protect her. I made the decision to allow the kids to see their father only when I would be present. There would be no over-nighters — ever.
___________ Continue reading →
6
Nov 09
Narcissists Can’t Dance
I got rid of my piano. I gave away the dining room table. We have a tiny house. But now we have some open floor space on the hardwoods in the dining room. It’s going to stay that way. Every morning we listen to music before we head out the door. Will gets to pick on Mondays and Wednesdays. Jenny picks on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I get Fridays. Most of the time, we are brushing our teeth while dancing in the middle of the dining room. It sets a happier tone and helps us choose a better attitude before we really get the day going.
In addition to saying your kind words to yourself each day, you ought to be making music a big part of your life. There are times when it’s comforting to listen to sad stuff. Sad music allows you to wallow in your mess a bit. You shouldn’t do that for long. But sometimes it’s necessary to feel crappy about your situation. It serves the same purpose as venting to a friend who will listen. Music shares your pain. After a couple or three moody songs, then it’s time to pick something fast, fun and in-your-face. Our current favorites are “Rocks in Your Shoes” by Emily West, and “Heaven” by Los Lonely Boys. Will and Jen know all the words by heart. I’m pretty sure they haven’t listened enough to get the meaning. But they love the beat.
When I was a kid we had a Hammond Organ. Wow. It’s great fun when you are a sixth grader comparing notes on what instrument you play. One kid plays the flute. One kid plays the trumpet. The cool kid plays the drums. The even cooler kid plays the guitar. And the nerdy girl plays the organ. I got to take organ lessons. That’s probably when I first learned to be self-deprecating. If you can’t laugh at yourself for taking organ lessons, then you better develop a thicker skin.
My mom had a thing for playing the piano and then the organ. She tells how when she and my dad first divorced, she would tuck my brother in his bed, and me in my bed, fix a stiff drink, put on the headphones, and play the organ — really loud. It was her way of shouting at the world. Her way of expressing all that anger and resentment.
I hate the organ. I have an iPod. Lucky me. The three of us enjoy it in the morning. I enjoy it all by myself at night. I’ve noticed that I’ve gravitated toward the fast, take-on-the world kind of songs; and away from the sad, what-about-me songs. And the dancing is a big part of the music. We all dance like maniacs around here. It’s a great way to have fun with each other. And for me, it’s a great way to relieve stress. Who cares what you look like? It’s about the fun of expressing the music. Continue reading →
1
Nov 09
Trick or Treat
We survived another Halloween. They might be a little less scary now that we aren’t living with the narcissist anymore. He called yesterday afternoon to ask if he was invited to take the kids Trick or Treating. I was confused, “I thought I heard them invite you last night?” He lets out a dramatic sigh and says, “Well, yes, but I didn’t know if something might have changed by today.” Apparently he needs to be invited to be a parent.
The kids had overheard my phone conversation with him. They asked what it was about. I explained that their dad wondered if he was still invited to take them Trick or Treating. Will laughed and said, “Oh, he’s doing that thing where he wants us to beg him to come over.” Jenny said, “No, actually, he doesn’t really want to go at all, so he’s seeing if we’ve changed our minds.” They are both correct, to a certain degree. They definitely have him pegged.
Then, when he had completed his 20 minute stint with the kids, he asked if they wanted to do anything on Sunday. Will excitedly told him that we’d be eating junk food and watching the Packers beat the Vikings. Mark was never much into watching football. I think he’s a little miffed that the kids and I are getting into it.
Today, he called 10 minutes before the game was supposed to start. He talked to Jenny, because Will was busy, and his message was, “I’m just letting you both know that I am available to talk on the phone, or to come over and hang out.” And that was it. Clearly, he is letting them know that he expects them to call and beg him to come over. He wants to see if he can actually trump the football game. He wants to see if they like being with him so much, that they’ll gladly change any plans that they’ve made with me. While it may sound like he wants to see/be with the kids, he really just wants them to want to be with him. When he gets over here, he is not at all interested in how they are or what they have going on in their lives. And when they don’t initiate anything with him, we don’t hear from him for days.
And here’s what I do … I spend the rest of the afternoon reminding them that they may want to call their dad. Old habits die hard. I am so conditioned to try and foster this relationship between my kids and their dad. It’s like breathing. I used to say, “Don’t forget to call your dad. Your dad would appreciate a phone call tonight. Do you want to see if your dad would like to come over?” I am setting them up for the same kind of relationship that I had with my dad, and then with Mark. Those relationships were totally driven by me. They were not reciprocal. They were one-sided. When I dropped the ball with my dad, the relationship was over. When I decided to leave Mark, he didn’t come after me and say, “Hey, I’ll try harder. Let’s make this work.” Do I want that for my kids? I continue to foster this “relationship” because I don’t want my kids to some day say to me, “Why did you keep us from seeing our dad? Why couldn’t we see him whenever we wanted?” Continue reading →
31
Oct 09
Can You Connect With A Narcissist?
My brother has big, chocolate brown eyes. When he is conversing with you, his eyes are focused on you and nothing else. His gaze is warm and welcoming. He doesn’t make you feel like you are being interrogated, he makes you feel comfortable and accepted. My sister-in-law laughs when she talks of how my brother knows everyone in their neighborhood, their dogs’ names, and who might be ready for a pick-up game of racquetball. He can be intense — in a good way. You get the feeling that he is interested in what you have to say, and he wants to know more.
I get energized from connecting with people.
(I admit that connecting with others is a way for my hole to get filled. I know… I’m supposed to do that from within.)
My kids and I will be looking for something at Target, and I’ll ask a clerk for help. Invariably, while she’s leading us to the widget that I can’t find, she’ll tell us about the time that she bought the same widget; how her husband thought she was crazy, but that it did exactly what the product was supposed to do; how her mother-in-law bought the same thing, and now the whole family swears by this widget; and on and on …
I can’t get out of a store without hearing the makings of a life story. Continue reading →
28
Oct 09
Filling The Hole
I can’t sleep — again. Jenny woke at 2:30 a.m. and came in my bed.
In the old days when I couldn’t get back to sleep, I’d lay there thinking about what I was doing wrong, what I needed to change, or how I could do better. Now when I can’t sleep, I think about how far I’ve come, how I really am doing well, and how I can’t wait to write on this blog.
If you have never tried journaling, you need to. I’ve written in diaries or journals – and now this blog – my whole life. A journal provides a guarantee that you will always be listened to and heard.
Anyway, now it’s 4:00 a.m., so I might as well get up, fix some decaf tea, grab some graham crackers and start writing. It’s funny how as my fingers fly across the keyboard, my head seems to empty of all the thoughts keeping me awake, and my body loses its tenseness.
Tonight I was thinking about my theory – it’s not an original theory. It’s an amalgamation of a bunch of different theories that I’ve read about in all the self-help books that I’ve devoured over the years.
I believe we all have a hole in our soul. Some call the hole a void or an injury. I don’t like “injury”. It’s too dramatic. “Injury” leads to the word “victim”. I don’t like walking around thinking that I’m a victim. It sounds helpless and hopeless. Continue reading →
26
Oct 09
Narcissists Are Six-Year-Olds
When I first started digging into all this narcissism stuff, I kept reading that a narcissist’s maturity level stops at about the age of six. I was astounded at how all these characteristics of narcissism perfectly fit my ex-husband. But I have to admit, I really thought the six-year-old thing was a bit of a stretch. I guess I was taking it too literally. I mean he owned a business, drove a car and had a checkbook. He didn’t really act like a six-year-old. Or did he?
While Mark was here to visit with the kids Friday night, he kept trying to hatch a plan to pick them up the next day. I could hear the kids dodging his questions. When they don’t want to do anything with him, they always say, “We’ll have to check with mom, first, to see if she has made any plans.” That’s my clue to make up some plans. They’d been kind of secretive with him when he was asking them about getting together. After he left, they told me the reason they didn’t want to see him the next day. Turns out he had come up with a plan for a Christmas gift for me. He wanted the kids to help him with it. They wanted to have nothing to do with it because it was all his plan. He hadn’t asked for any of their input.
The next morning, he called to see when he could pick up the kids. It’s getting somewhat easier to be honest with him. I told him that they weren’t excited about working on the project with him since it was all his idea. He said, “Well I know it was all my idea, but I thought they liked my idea.” I thought to myself, “Well did you ask them if they liked your idea? Or did you just assume that they liked your idea? Or better yet, how about you ask them what they’d like to get me for Christmas.”
Here’s where the six-year-old behavior begins. That was Saturday morning. I’m writing this Monday, after the kids have gone to bed. He usually calls for his bogus goodnight calls almost every night. He didn’t call Saturday, Sunday, and now Monday nights. He is pouting. We are being taught a lesson. He is giving us the cold shoulder. We have gotten to the point where we really enjoy not hearing from him for a couple or three days. One of the kids will notice that he’s not calling and say, “Dad must be pouting again.” Then a couple more days will pass and one of the kids will miss him. They will ask if they can call him. I will say, “Of course you can call your dad.” They will call, and he will pick up where he left off at the last visit, like nothing ever happened.
A couple years ago on Father’s Day, Will was torn about what to do. He felt obligated to spend the day with his dad, but he also wanted to spend time with his grandpa, at the cabin. We came up with a marvelous idea for fitting both plans into the day. When we explained the plan to Mark, he actually whined and said, “Well what about me? What am I supposed to do? It’s my Father’s Day, ya know.” At the time, Will was 9, and grandpa had already assumed more of the fathering role than Mark had. Will knew that he was expected to spend the day with his father, but he also knew what a farce that was. I remember the three of us standing in the driveway. Will and I looked at each other and then we both looked at Mark. I couldn’t believe that not only had that immature thought entered Mark’s mind, but he actually verbalized that thought–in front of his son. Who were the adults in that scenario? Besides, once someone says something like, “Hey, you’re supposed to be with me,” how much does anyone want to be with them? And how enjoyable, then, is it for the person who had to beg another to spend time with them? Continue reading →
24
Oct 09
Acceptance
You can either hold yourself up to the unrealistic standards of others, or ignore them and concentrate on being happy with yourself as you are.
Jeph Jacques
