I come from a long line of narcissists. It wasn’t until I started reading about NPD that I realized just how many narcissists were in my family. There is certain risk involved in learning about NPD. Suddenly, it starts to seem like you are surrounded by narcissists. So that’s why Aunt Bonnie is so self-centered. No wonder Uncle George can’t seem to talk about anything but himself. And a lot of family members can seem that way. They are probably nothing more than your garden-variety, self-centered, annoying relative. No family is without them. But it’s when you look more closely and really pinpoint those defining characteristics, that you learn just how one narcissist begets another, and the cycle continues.
I really loved my grandmother. She doted on me. And when I became a young woman, and it was more difficult for her to do the doting, I doted on her. We spent a lot of time together. I never crossed her. I loved her and there was no need to disagree with her. Nothing was so important that I had to disappoint her by offering a dissenting opinion. I was the perfect source. I never failed to tell her that she was a fabulous cook. And I always commented on how pretty she was when she was young. That’s a real big deal to a narcissist.
Well, I made a big mistake as far as my grandma was concerned. I got married. You can see how that posed a big problem for her. Certainly, if I was getting married, I would have to spend time with the guy I would be marrying. That would take away from the time I was supposed to be spending with her. She didn’t come right out and tell me that she was disappointed. She became petty. When we would be chatting about something, she’d call Mark, “What’s-His-Name.” Or she’d make a snide comment about what he looked like, or what he did for a living. She made it clear that I could have made a better choice. I thought her behavior was odd, but I attributed her pettiness to age. At that point in time, I had yet to learn about NPD. Now, with my schooling in narcissism, I can look back and see her bizarre behavior for what it truly was.
If it wasn’t bad enough that I decided to go out and get married, I then made matters worse by deciding to have a baby. I could hardly wait to tell grandma the news. Surely, those nearest and dearest to me would be as over-joyed as I was. Her immediate response was, “Well, I guess, if that’s what makes you happy.” My brother and his wife had two of their own, and I went on to have a second. With each pregnancy, she was only interested enough to say, “If it’s a girl, I sure hope you name her after me.”
This evening I sat for a spell on my front porch. We are enjoying the last few days of our summer, and today was particularly gorgeous. I see an image of me hanging from the letter r in the word summer, by my fingernails. I can’t let go of summer quite yet, there’s still a bit of juice left.
It’s an interesting contradiction that narcissists are very secretive. They shout from the rooftops about their accomplishments, their beauty and their talents. They’ll have you believe that they are fabulous, but they never let you get close enough to see for yourself. Maybe it’s because they know that if you get close, you’ll see that they aren’t any better than anyone else. They can’t risk the possibility of anyone discovering that their house is normal, their yard isn’t spectacular, their furnishings are ordinary. Perhaps they can’t control how much you’ll learn about them if you go to their home. You’ll see that their home isn’t as grand as they’ve led you to believe. Maybe you would discover their vulnerabilities or weaknesses, not that they’d ever admit to having any.
Mark and I hadn’t been dating long. One late summer evening we were taking a walk through a nice neighborhood I had grown up in. I was kind of hoping that I would see someone I knew so that someone I knew would see me with Mark.
My son returned safely from an adventure with his father.
