Parenting « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: Parenting

homekeeping 7

Will is still struggling with images of ghosts entering his mind every night at bedtime. Jenny just cut five inches off her long blond hair.

I’ve been mopping up the mess as best I can.

I’m providing them with lots of distractions – there’s packing to do, new books to check out, sketch books and art supplies to gather and journals to fill.

We are leaving town in search of Spring and a new perspective.

I’m hoping some sun will warm our winter-weary bones, and heal our bruised psyches. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 Comments
15
Mar 11

Will is a compassionate fellow with a tender, sensitive side and a fearless streak that makes him charge down ski hills at a speed that launches him into powder and shrubs and stuff that he can’t see. Occasionally he checks out the landing before he jumps, but not always.

He’s like a lot of twelve year old boys in that he’s fascinated with the unknown, the risky, the adventurous and the slightly scary. Kids thrive within the safety of boundaries – set rules of behavior, established bed times, and defined expectations. That’s why they find it exciting to step just beyond those boundaries once in awhile. It’s thrilling to tempt fate, stay up late, skip school one day or ski out of bounds and brag to your friends.

When a child has a parent who doesn’t stand firm on boundaries, that child will have a tendency to feel untethered. There will be a need to talk about boundaries. He’ll have to ask and be reassured that the boundaries haven’t changed. That kid’s foundation is tilted. They don’t have a secure knowledge that they truly know where the lines are drawn.

It’s okay to discuss the latest slasher film on the chairlift with a buddy, when at the end of the day, that kid goes home with a parent who reassures him that he is safe and protected, and that the doors are locked and the bad guys can’t get him.

It is not okay to have your dad tell horror stories in the car as the day comes to a close on the way home, only to drop you off and say, “Hey, Buddy, I’ll tell you more scary stories next time.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 38 Comments
11
Mar 11

“Honey, Your Dad Lacks Empathy”

“Oh, sweetie! You should have seen the darling little eight year old girl who wanted to dance with me at the meeting. She had long curly blond hair, and a big beautiful smile. I know her parents. She came up to me, jumped in my lap and asked me to dance with her. She was a really good dancer, too.” Mark could hardly contain himself when telling Jenny of the story of the little girl who fell in love with him.

He quickly switched gears and said, “Jenny, honey, we’re getting ready to go. Shouldn’t you find socks that match? Let’s go look in your dresser drawer to see if we can find two socks that match.”

“Daddy, you told me to hurry, so I just grabbed the first two socks I saw. I’m wearing boots, Daddy. No one will see that my socks don’t match.”

“Isn’t that funny that you wear mismatched socks. Did you brush your hair today?”

“Yes, Daddy, I just brushed it.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 20 Comments
9
Mar 11

The Fire Tender

The leather gloves next to the stove, and the fire within, are the only indications of steady use. The wood stove is free of ashes, spent embers, bits of bark and any other signs of use, yet the fire roars continuously. The glass door is spotless as if he replaced it yesterday after he’d slammed the door too hard in a fit of anger and frustration.

It’s a difficult job keeping the fire stoked in an effort to heat the whole house and make sure his family sleeps warm in their beds. The house does not have a furnace.

As he sits in the broken rocking chair – the Throne of The Fire Tender – he contemplates the turns his life has taken. He ticks off the series of choices that led to his current position. Every winter night that he spends tending the fire, he has an opportunity to re-evaluate the decisions he made.

He validates some choices while picking apart others.

The list never changes. Continue reading →

Random Observations — 4 Comments
7
Mar 11

Keep Your Tips Up – Twelve Life Lessons Learned on the Ski Hill

It’s still snowing on top of eight fresh inches of dusty powder. The only sounds are from the yips of elated skiers and boarders, or the carving of their boards as they pass by. I’ve got all my layers on and my face is covered. Will is in a class. Jenny is appropriately bundled and capable enough to cruise behind me without my having to frequently check over my shoulder to see if she needs an assist.

This is the closest I get to unencumbered, but this is better because I’m having fun with my kids. I’m not cooking for them, or folding their clothes or reminding them of their work lists for learning or refereeing disagreements.

We are in our element.

As my skis glide through wide, arcing turns, my lungs expand with deep breaths. Each completed run acts like an eraser on the chalkboards in my brain. As each chalkboard is wiped clean of to-do lists or my continual monologue of what I should be improving or doing differently, my mood improves.

When I’m not laughing on the chair with Jenny, I’m playing tag with her on a run. In the lodge, we can be seen giggling with Will while we devour spicy tacos and deep bowls of chunky chili. Will eagerly tells us of the jumps he finessed and the moguls he annihilated. Jenny and I assure him that he’s not missing anything by not skiing with us, other than a game of tag and squeals of laughter on the chair. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Recipes / Tools — 3 Comments
1
Mar 11

Goulash, Good Books and Colin Firth

red-pot My grandma called it goulache (goo-lah-key). She didn’t use paprika like they do in a genuine Hungarian Goulash. My version is more of a whatever’s-in-the-kitchen-pantry variety. It’s a take on spaghetti sauce only the vegies are chunkier and the sauce is wetter. I always make a big batch so as to have some to put in the freezer. It’s great to have extra on hand for ski days or those days when I’m not wanting to go to the store, which happens to be just about every day.

Goulash is my ultimate comfort food. Since Winter doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to turn to Spring, I’m fixing Goulash and reading by the fire.

To the kids, I’m reading more in the Merlin series – The Seven Songs of Merlin, by T. A. Barron.

For my own enjoyment I picked up a copy of Molly Ringwald’s, Getting the Pretty Back. It’s light and funny; she references lots of the stuff from my high school days; and she doesn’t take herself too seriously – just what this weather calls for. Reading her book is like spending the day at the spa with a girlfriend, sipping lattes, and then wrapping up the day with wine, dinner, freshly painted toes and a cheerier outlook.

Goulash in the Red Pot Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 14 Comments
25
Feb 11

The Paper Chair

the-paper-chair I walk by this chair multiple times a day. I’ve swept the dust bunnies of cat hair away from the rolled paper legs. I’ve straightened the legs after one of us has cut the corner too tight and clipped the edge of the chair on our way to the kitchen. Each time I walk by, I wonder what it might be like to be light enough to sit down on this delicate chair.

I picture my spirit sitting on this chair with a white cup of tea.

Lately, my spirit has been heavy.

__________

Jenny made this chair while I was shoveling snow for the 57th time this winter. I’d have been kicking rocks while I was yammering about the weather, only all the rocks were buried under eight inches of new snow. While I was shoveling, Will was snowboarding on the fresh snow that blanketed the park across the street. I could here the gliding sounds of his board. Every now and again, I’d hear him yelp with excitement when he’d nail another epic kicker. I thought to myself, how can anyone have that much fun in this weather? It’s 9 degrees outside. How can that be a desirable way to spend an afternoon? Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 15 Comments
21
Feb 11

Army of Love

army-of-love “Mom, will you help me make a bunch of paper airplanes? I’m making an Army of Love.” Jenny showed me how to fold the paper, told me the color order and where the gas tank went, and we made 13 paper jets. As we were folding and coloring and giggling and talking of paper cuts, I asked her how she came up with the idea. “I dunno,” she said. “It’s a good idea. I think they should fly over the world dropping candy hearts, like little love bombs.”

While my daughter might have a fine imagination, she also knows of the practicality of forming an Army of Love. I don’t need to spoil the fun by saying, “Come on, Jen, do you really think there’d ever be such a thing? Wouldn’t it really be an Air Force of Love, even if it could be real?”

She’s exploring possibility through art and writing. She’s gotten a taste of the more unpleasant aspects of life. It’s good to balance that with the freedom to try, to imagine, to pretend.

It’s good to be free to wonder.

It’s good to be allowed to try, with the belief that anything is possible. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations / Tools — 5 Comments
17
Feb 11

More from the YCMTSU File

*YCMTSU – You Can’t Make This Shit Up

One night in August of 2009 I was sitting cross-legged on our purple love seat with the laptop on the cushion next to me. I’d been writing on this blog for a couple weeks, and I realized I needed to name the characters.

My companion through college, two failed relationships, the laundry-list of jobs, and the births of my kids was a cat (soul mate) named Jesse.

I don’t know where I came up with ‘Blayne‘, but ‘Jesse’ and ‘Blayne’ sounded good together.

I went on to name my kids. Will‘s name was actually one of the names on the list that I carried in a backpack along with fuzzy socks, a journal and a toothbrush, to the hospital, on the day he was born.

Jenny‘s name isn’t directly tied to anyone. I like that name because it is sunny, happy and it doesn’t sound like the name of someone who willingly chooses to be a doormat – all things that I want for my daughter. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations — 14 Comments
14
Feb 11

When Will We Get There?

We see a lot of roadside memorials in this part of the West. We often drive long stretches between destinations, and it is not uncommon to see several death markers en route. I can’t remember when I first asked my mom what they were, but those markers are as much a part of any drive as wheat fields, mountains, deer and blue sky. Often, the crosses are adorned with plastic flowers or wreaths or ribbons.

I’d never actually witnessed an individual decorating their loved one’s cross. I’ve never seen a new cross being put in place to honor the victim of a fatal car crash.

__________

On the way home from the ski hill, grandpa piloted the car with the three grandkids. I imagine he got ears full of stories of jumps, gooey cheese fries, bruises, near crashes and other amazing tales of the day spent on the slopes.

I enjoyed a grown up conversation with my brother as we followed behind in a separate, quiet rig. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 6 Comments
2
Feb 11

Adjusting My Lens

friendship-bracelets I can’t deliver a swift ass-kicking to Mubarak, save all those children and spread a blanket of calm and peace over Egypt.

I can’t reverse the path of the Cat 5 cyclone currently heading for Australia.

I can’t warm up the temps, or remove all the snow from the Midwest.

I can’t save Polar Bears or Fringed Campion or Bog Turtles or Ocelots from complete extinction.

I can’t resolve the argument over baby-wearing or convince everyone that breast feeding is best.

I can’t make my garage door work reliably in sub-zero temps.

I can’t fix Mark.

…

I can teach my daughter how to crochet friendship bracelets.

I can train my cat to stay off the dining room table.

I can keep the wood stove burning and keep the nest cozy for my kids.

I can teach my kids math and history, a love of reading, and how to remember who is collecting which cards in Screwie Louie.

I can re-train my brain to find the happier grooves, and hit play.

I can hit pause when my brain tends to like to land on the sad grooves.

I can show Jenny and Will what it takes to be a good friend, by teaching them how to email or address an envelope.

I can show my kids how to save their money for stuff they really want, instead of wasting it on Hubba Bubba and Mountain Dew.

I can have a hot meal on the table when Will comes home from skiing with his dad.

I can show Jen and Will how to listen to each other, acknowledge feelings and then tease and laugh and move on without sinking into a funk.

…

As much as I care about others, and about what is going on in the rest of the world, I can’t do anything to help.

I can focus on my own little world and make a difference here.

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Tools — 8 Comments
25
Jan 11

Wise Words from Wee People

Jenny: Tina has a quote on her bathroom mirror. It says…

Life isn’t about waiting for the rain to stop.

Life is about learning to dance in the rain.

Will: I guess ski days with dad are like dancing in the rain.

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Tools — 5 Comments
24
Jan 11

The Jury’s Still Out

“Mom, how come Uncle John drinks so many beers? How come Grandma G doesn’t get down on the floor and play with us? How come dad gets mad at me for getting rocks in the grass? Why do we have to put all our toys away before dad gets home?”

Some of those questions are easier to answer than others. I could have glossed over some of the answers, or completely ignored some of the more difficult questions.

When my kids were little people learning to talk, figuring out that a lot of life was spent relating to other folks and not just their mom and dad, I made an instinctive decision to answer each and every one of their questions.

I made the choice to use other people’s actions and attitudes as learning opportunities.

My instincts also told me to use a respectful, adult voice when relating to my kids. Sure, there were times when we’d be snuggling or they’d be sitting on my lap, and I’d coo to them the way I sometimes feel that I’m biologically programmed to do. And, when they were sick, I’d use a sweeter, more tender voice. But for day-to-day interactions – discussing how to tie shoes, why you shouldn’t kick your sister in the butt with the pointy part of your cowboy boot, and why you may want to wait until you’re a 13 year old girl to roll your eyes – I’d use an adult voice. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 13 Comments
19
Jan 11

The Proof is in the Fritos

Late Monday afternoon I had the opportunity to enjoy a guilty pleasure. My kids were gone. I got a break from being a role model. I sat at the table in front of my laptop reading blog posts, while dipping Fritos in chili.

It was a little slice of heaven.

Yes, that is a big deal for me.

__________

I can’t eat when I’m nervous. Continue reading →

Random Observations — 14 Comments
16
Jan 11

Cowboy Up

tony-lamas His Wranglers and Tony Lamas were broken in to that soft, but not too-distressed phase. He walked with a purpose – chest puffed out, arms swinging, head held high.