Parenting « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: Parenting

There Are No Shortcuts

*A lesson that bears repeating.*

I’m doing it again. I’m stuffing big logs and wads of paper into the wood stove hoping to keep it burning, even though I know the fire burns better with smaller, split wood. I’ll walk by in another couple minutes, angrily point a finger at the stove, and tell it, “Keep burning, dammit.”

Then I’ll run out of paper, and have to scrounge around the house looking for scratch paper, junk mail, and anything else remotely combustible.

Invariably, I’ll stand in front of the wood stove with my hands on my hips, ask the cat why she isn’t doing her part to keep the fire fed, and frustratedly open the door to the stove and poke at the smoldering logs.

All of this is because I’m lazy.

I’m too lazy to chop the firewood into smaller pieces that burn better. Truth be told, Will does all the chopping, and I don’t want to worry or hover or stand out there keeping an eye on him with my finger on speed dial, ready to call 911. I don’t want to make a bunch of trips hauling arm loads of smaller chunks of firewood. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homekeeping / Moving On / Tools — 8 Comments
3
Jan 11

homekeeping 6

It has been a while since I’ve written a homekeeping post. I miss the format – loose, random thoughts on where we are and where we are headed.

I just reread homekeeping 5 this morning. Wow. What a difference six months can make. Blood, sweat, tears and a lot of cussing later, and we seem to be in a good place.

Knock on wood.

It has been almost three months since Mark and I had the marathon chat session about the kids and his relationship with them. I did not perform miracles that day. It would be nice to say that I was able to reach him.

Honestly, I think Mark hasn’t changed one iota. Continue reading →

Moving On / Tools — 9 Comments
31
Dec 10

A Fond Farewell to 2010

big-old-tree You might be thinking that I’m counting down the minutes until 2010 comes to a close. You might be thinking that I am running in the direction of 2011.

I could let the screen door hit 2010 in the butt, on its way out.

I could give it a swift kick for good measure.

This last year was full of tears, and 2 x 4s to the head, and dashed hopes as well as triumphs and lessons learned. We experienced real, tangible, sustainable growth.

We worked hard. Continue reading →

Homeschool / Moving On / Seeing My Path / Stories — 10 Comments
27
Dec 10

On Breathing Easier and the Battle Ax in the Middle of the Night

apron At 2:00 a.m., those voices in my head can be pretty loud.

I don’t know who let the battle ax into my bedroom. She was holding a cast iron skillet. I don’t know if the skillet is her trademark, or if she was planning on hitting me with it. Her hair held spongy pink rollers. Over her mom-jeans, she wore a food-stained apron in a cherry print that barely stretched over her ample hips.

I’m sure her middle name is Guilt. Her last name is Doubt. First name is Jesse.

She barked at me for taking my kids out of public school. She lectured me for wanting so damn much out of a relationship. She snarled at me about my choices and the direction I’m heading.

With one hand on her hip, she started her relentless pestering. “Everyone else seems content to be in a so-so relationship. Why do you think you deserve to be any happier than anyone else? Hello, Missy, this is happy. Look around you. Everyone is coupled up, and they go about their business just fine. How much time do they spend worrying about being happy?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 7 Comments
22
Dec 10

An Early Christmas Present

best-friend There was tech-decking at 2:30 a.m. There were empty cans of Coke on every table, hot chili pepper eating contests, loudest burp contests, and soggy ski pants, mittens, hats, and sweatshirts strewn from one end of the house to the other.

I couldn’t be happier.

Jenny has had a best girlfriend for a couple years now. I was concerned that when we ditched public school, we’d sacrifice her friendship. I know now, that those girls would be friends even if one family or the other moved to the other side of the country. They may not see each other every day at school, but when they do see each other or talk on the phone, they always pick up right where they leave off.

That is the mark of a true friendship – picking up where you leave off.

They have a connection through Barbies, or ponies, or rock polishing or dress-up or whatever. I don’t even know what it is, but it is very special. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy — 22 Comments
19
Dec 10

Dear Dad

I’m not mad at you any more. I’m guessing that you didn’t realize I was mad at you.

I’ve been mad at you for a real long time.

I wasn’t mad when you and mom got a divorce. I was mad after the divorce, when you never came around. I was mad when you said you’d come by, and you didn’t. I was mad at you for finding things to do with my brother, but not being able to find things to do with me.

It hurt my feelings when you couldn’t think of anything to talk with me about, or when you couldn’t make an effort at being interested in my life.

You never told me I was pretty or smart or capable or funny. Now I am insecure and lacking in self-confidence.

I was mad at you for expecting me to be the one to call. I had to be the one to create a relationship with you. When I dropped the ball on our relationship, and quit trying, you never picked it back up. You were content to just let things slide. Continue reading →

Moving On / Recipes — 6 Comments
14
Dec 10

Spritz Cookies and Other Customs

spritz-cookies We made Spritz Cookies on Sunday. They’re my favorite Christmas Cookie, and my brother’s, too. And now, they are Jenny’s favorite.

Forever, the tradition has been to only have Spritz at Christmas. They are special, and they should be saved for a special time of year.

A couple years ago, Jenny asked, “Mom, can we make Spritz other times of the year?”

I started to tell her that Spritz were only made at Christmastime and that is what we do, but I stopped myself. I couldn’t think of a good reason for not making them other times of the year.

I don’t have good china, but I think it must be like using your china for special occasions, and then realizing you hardly ever pull out the china, or the good silverware or the fancy linens or the other special stuff. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
9
Dec 10

Some Days Are Like That

old-blue-enamel-pot1 I make a damn good cup of coffee. I make oatmeal with the perfect ratio of oats – walnuts – cinnamon – nutmeg. Nobody cleans a cat box like I do. You’d be amazed at how quickly I can fold a laundry basket full of clean clothes. I even find all the socks, almost every time.

And some days, that’s the best I can come up with when trying to cheer myself up and get out of the funk.

When staring at the too-bright laptop screen at 5:15 a.m., my eyes are blurry – not from being tired, but from fussing over the pages of the book I’m trying to finish.

I bounce over to Twitter to get some inspiration and find a few laughs or a couple good posts to read. The distraction takes my mind off the fact that I doubt myself.

I doubt my abilities as a mom. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Quotes — Comments Off
7
Dec 10

On Making Do

Life is like a blanket too short. You pull it up and your toes rebel, you yank it down and shivers meander about your shoulder; but cheerful folks manage to draw their knees up and pass a very comfortable night.

Marion Howard

Random Observations / Tools — 4 Comments
4
Dec 10

Thoughts On Love, Sacrifice and Cat Hair on the Keyboard

It’s still dark. I can barely make out the fog hanging over the park. Kids are still snuggled in cozy beds. After making my first cup of coffee, I light the fire and sit to cruise web sites and formulate a blog post.

Suddenly our cat jumps up on my lap.

She kneads for a bit, changes position, snags my robe with her claws, looks me in the face and sniffs my coffee.

I could put her down, but I don’t.

She wants to soak up some of my body heat. It’s really cold this morning. I love this patient cat. She’s inconveniencing me like crazy, but she’s a sweetheart and I can’t put her down. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 3 Comments
26
Nov 10

The Three of Us

4-rocks There’s a post rolling around in my head. I keep trying to avoid it. It’s going to make me write it. It’s about why I believe divorce is the only way to survive a relationship with a narcissist.

I’m going to have to dig a little deeper.

That post is going to require a lot from me.

In the meantime, Jenny drew these faces on rocks.

They made me smile. They made me think about the three of us, and how there used to be four of us.

family-of-3

Now there are three with – brighter smiles, intact spirits and happier souls.

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Random Observations / The World Revolves Around Me — 4 Comments
18
Nov 10

Mom, It’s Like This…

“You know when you’re standing in line at the grocery store and the customer in front of you is talking to the cashier? You know how the cashier sort of smiles, keeps working, and tries to answer the customer’s question, but really they just want to get through with that customer, and get on to the next, and be done working for the day?

You know how the cashier seems like she doesn’t really care about what the customer is talking about?

That’s what it’s like when I’m talking to dad.”

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 13 Comments
14
Nov 10

Can It Be?

fingers-crossed They hadn’t seen him in three weeks. On Friday night, they spent over five hours with him. When they walked in the door, at the end of the night, I did a quick scan to check for rapid blinking, slumped shoulders, nervous pacing or shell-shocked expressions.

Nothing.

Will and Jen spoke animatedly about the event they attended. They talked of what they’d had for dinner and the stories shared. They spoke of the folks they saw.

They didn’t mention the baby voice, or the martyr tone. There was nothing about being overly embarrassed – other than the typical ways that all parents embarrass their kids. Nothing about hurt feelings, or insults, or critiques about hair, dress or table manners.

__________ Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Quotes — 3 Comments
10
Nov 10