Posts Tagged: Parenting


25
Oct 11

Self Care In Stolen Moments

grilled-ham-cheese-and-tomatoIn an unexpected turn of events, both kids ended up at grandma’s.

She could do laundry, rake leaves, return phone calls or unload the dishwasher.

She could clean the cat box, change the water in the fish bowls, pick up the remnants of thread from last night’s craft fest, or run errands.

Without giving it any more thought, she jumped in the car and headed for the wine shop.  She re-filled a bottle with basil-infused olive oil and selected an every-day bottle of red wine.

When she got home, she kicked off her shoes and ignored the mess.

She cued Nora Jones on Pandora and stood at the kitchen sink looking out the window at the crimson leaves waiting for a strong gust of wind.

She spied a ripe tomato on the windowsill and went to work.

She put a cast iron pan on medium heat; thinly sliced the tomato; thickly sliced the Monterey Jack, grabbed two slices of bread and butter.  She gathered deli ham, balsamic vinegar, Italian Seasoning and a jelly jar.

She layered ham on one slice of bread, added cheese and tomato, and covered with the other slice of bread.  She spread one outer side of the sandwich with butter and placed it in the warmed pan.  She buttered the remaining side.

She kept the heat at medium so the cheese would slowly melt, sealing the tomatoes to the ham while the bread slightly toasted.

She poured an inch of cabernet in the jelly jar.

She turned up the volume on Pandora.

She glanced again through the kitchen window, took a deep breath and didn’t let herself think about laundry, raking, dishes or bills.

She flipped the sandwich and took a sip of wine.

She cleared a place on the kitchen table, moving things aside, not putting them away.

Once the sandwich was toasted and the cheese was melty, she moved it to a plate and separated the sandwich to reveal the warmed tomato slices.  She drizzled balsamic and the basil-infused olive oil over the tomatoes, soaking the toasted bread.  She dusted the tomatoes with Italian Seasoning.

After another sip of wine, she took her first bite.

__________

It’s not often that she has a moment to herself.  She seldom takes the time to fix herself something yummy to eat.

As she savored the sweetness of the tomatoes, the richness of the cheese and the earthiness of the balsamic, she tried to direct her thoughts.

In her mind, she tied a wide, crimson-colored satin bow around the things she ought to do next.

She pushed them all aside.

Instead, she imagined opening a gift.

The gift was a present to herself.  As she unwrapped the package, images began flying out of the box.  The images represented all the things she was grateful for:  her happy, healthy smiling kids; their cozy little home; good friends and family and her own health.

She took another bite as she visualized more images flying out of the package.

There were the projects she’d completed; the trips they’d taken; the book she’d finished; and the new goals lined out.

In this rare quiet moment, she had the space and time to take stock of, and enjoy her accomplishments.  Instead of fretting about what needed to be done, she thought of the tasks and projects she’d managed to complete.

She allowed herself to be proud of those completed projects.

She had set her own goals and standards, and proved that she could meet them.

She could feel the momentum that comes from making changes and completing projects.

There was more to be done.

There would be more to be thankful for.

And then she heard their footsteps on the front porch.

The door burst open, letting in two kids and a flurry of leaves.

“What’s that smell? Mmmm….  Will you make me one?”

__________

Grilled Ham, Cheese and Tomato

  • Italian Bread
  • Deli Honey Ham – thinly sliced
  • Monterey Jack Cheese – thick slices
  • Tomato – from the garden, if you are lucky
  • Balsamic Vinegar
  • Basil-infused Olive Oil – Extra Virgin Olive Oil will do nicely
  • Italian Seasoning – or Oregano
  • Butter

Layer ham, cheese and tomatoes between slices of bread.  Butter the top and place buttered side down in a cast iron skillet that has warmed on medium heat.  Toast slowly to melt the cheese and warm the tomatoes.  Butter top before flipping.

Once the sandwich is toasted, remove from heat and separate.  Lightly drizzle the olive oil and balsamic over the tomatoes, letting some soak into the bread.  Sprinkle with seasoning.

Take bites of sandwich and sips of wine while picturing all the things you are grateful for.


20
Oct 11

Selective Ignorance

Who am I to question the wise words of Maya Angelou?

When I discovered that quote, it didn’t sit right with me, and yet I still posted it.  Now, I’m wondering if I posted her quote because I wish – with all my heart – that we could allow kids to be uninformed.  (I like uninformed better than ignorant.)

I wish my kids could waltz through their childhoods believing in the mischievousness of Larry the Leprechaun, the eternal kindness and generosity of Santa and the mystery of the Tooth Fairy without having to know the darker sides of human nature.

I’d love nothing more than for them to think all teachers are as endearing as Miss Honey.

I want them to sail through these years without having to know what sexting is.  I want Will to go to the skate park without my having to define the terms he finds written in spray paint in the bowls of the park.  I want Jenny to be able to wear her hair in braided pigtails without other girls teasing her that she still dresses like a little girl. Continue reading →


16
Oct 11

Ignorance is Bliss

Children’s talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
– Maya Angelou

 

 


14
Oct 11

A Different Version of Normal

At his address, the toys are neatly put away, the art supplies stay tucked in the cupboard and the towels are folded the minute the dryer buzzes.

At her address, the toys are everywhere, the baby dolls have dinner with the family, the art supplies are never tucked away because they are used constantly and the clean towels are grabbed out of the laundry basket on the way to the shower.

Dinner at his house is something adults would enjoy eating and kids would pick around while hoping to get a PBJ after the dishes are done.  Around the table in the orderly dining room, more attention is paid to manners and less to conversation.

Dinner at her house is about coming together, helping with the prep, making sure there’s something on the table that each person will eat, and moving art supplies to make room for plates.  There might be a gentle reminder about not talking with a mouthful of macaroni.  There will be lots of laughing, stories of the day, and sometimes a few tears. Continue reading →


3
Oct 11

Serendipity in a Story

Through tears she asked, “How come he says other kids do things well, but he can’t say that about me?  How come he doesn’t think I’m great?  What do I have to do to get him to say those things about me?”

Will turned to me and said, “Mom, you have to call him.  Tell him!  Tell him he needs to say that stuff about Jenny.  Tell him it hurts Jen’s feelings when he brags about other kids and doesn’t talk about what Jen does.  Call him!”

I asked Will to hand Jenny a kleenex.

“Honey, I can call your dad if that’s what you want.  I can talk to him about this – again.  If you think that will help you to feel better, I’ll do it.”

She wiped her tears and said, “It never does any good.  It never makes a difference.  He won’t change.  He doesn’t hear us.  What’s the point?” Continue reading →


28
Sep 11

Sound Advice

For what it’s worth, the following is a list of pearls – advice I’ve received over the last so many years.

Some was delivered by a caring family member or a dear friend.

Some was gleaned from a magazine article or a self-help book.

Some was uncovered while searching the internet in the wee hours.

Some was initially ignored.

These are the most useful words that I turn to when I don’t know where else to turn.  These aren’t direct quotes, but paraphrases of helpful bits that have gotten us through.

  • If it’s hard to get, it’s hard to keep.
  • If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, run screaming in the other direction.
  • Your gut always tells the truth.
  • If you have to ask him to listen, he’s not interested.
  • If she says she doesn’t have time, what she’s really saying is that she doesn’t want to.
  • Respect is not a given, it should be earned.
  • Respect has nothing to do with age.
  • It doesn’t need to be this hard.
  • If you want mail, you’ve got to send mail.
  • If you want friends, you have to be a friend.
  • It’s okay if everyone doesn’t like you.
  • It’s okay to not like everyone.
  • If you aren’t feeling good about yourself, it might be that you are surrounded by assholes.
  • Good sleep is better than all the makeup in the world.
  • Humor can be found in almost every situation; find the funny part and quit dwelling on the negative.
  • They can treat me whatever way they choose; I can choose to accept that treatment or not.
  • Keep talking until you find someone who understands and believes you – they are out there.
  • Kids are wise old souls in new bodies – treat them accordingly.
  • There’s no point in talking the talk if you aren’t planning to take some action.
  • There’s nothing wrong with going to bed early.  (See above on sleep and makeup.)
  • Many things can be fixed with a hug and good music.
  • We cross paths for a reason – it’s okay if we don’t stay on the same path forever.
  •  

*Share your favorite advice in the comments below.  Let’s compile a fabulous list.


23
Sep 11

To Parents of Daughters

We need to teach our daughters to distinguish between a man who flatters her and a man who compliments her ~ a man who spends money on her and a man who invests in her ~ a man who views her as property and a man who views her properly ~ a man who lusts after her and a man who loves her ~ a man who believes he is God’s gift to women and a man who remembers a woman was God’s gift to man.

– Unknown

*Thank you, Kate.

9
Sep 11

The Surrender

the-flow1A definition of surrender from merriam-webster.com:

to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)


When she was little, surrender was something she did when she played Cowboys and Indians.  She usually tried to be on the side that didn’t require her to surrender.

When she was a teenager, surrender was something she feared would be expected once she agreed to kiss a boy, so she didn’t often let herself get in a situation where she’d be close enough to kiss. Continue reading →


6
Sep 11

It Takes a Good Leavin’ Alone

stonesWhen he sends the epically long email explaining that he hasn’t introduced the kids to his girlfriend because they don’t show that they care about his life, they never come over anyway, and he really didn’t think it was any of their business…

When they question your choices, make sarcastic comments about your lifestyle and complain about how stressed and over-worked they are…

When you’ve seen that they can make healthy choices without you having to hover, lecture, or demand…

When he’s never shown any interest in what you have to say, yet you think he will this time… Continue reading →


18
Aug 11

On Cute Puppies and Leaving Well Enough Alone

If I could manage to keep them from putting that 6 week-old Pomeranian puff ball with irresistible brown eyes in my arms, I’d be fine.

They cradled him like a newborn.  They sprinkled Johnny Jump-Ups on his back.  They cooed at him and loved him up.

And then the pleading started.

“Mom, he won’t get too big.” Continue reading →


11
Aug 11

Seeing My Path

Seeing My Path - In and Out of a Relationship With a Narcissist

We ran out of Fritos.

Now we’re on to a 3-layered, sinfully dark chocolate cake.  The layers are filled with chocolate flavored mascarpone cheese. I’ll cut you a thin slice because it’s so rich.

We’re celebrating the 2nd birthday of the blog and the release of my first e-book!

I know!  I said I was going to write this book.

I did it!

This book is all new content!

There’s nothing quite like setting a goal, realizing a dream and having Will and Jenny by my side telling me how proud they are.

__________

I’m going to eat some more cake, pat myself on the back, and smother my kids a bit.

I’ll be back here to reply to some comments and write another post.  Soon.

In the meantime, thank you all for encouraging me on the book.  Thank you for visiting this site and hanging out with us.  Thank you for your compassion and wise words.

I am blessed to have you touch my life.

Pass the cake!

 

Edit:  5/31/21

The sidebar includes links to free copies of my e-books. Please help yourself.

 

 


8
Aug 11

Surviving Nicely – 2

It feels good typing the title of this post.

I hope you like Fritos.  We’re also serving lemonade because, well, we have all those lemons.  I have to enjoy a little wine on a birthday.  Jenny is throwing confetti.  Will is tech decking in the background.

And there’s gratitude flowing through the room

It’s the 2nd birthday here at survivingnarcissism.com.

I don’t know how it happened.

Yes!  We’ve journeyed through another year on this blog. Continue reading →


30
Jul 11

Letting Go of the Rope

letting-the-moss-growShe never could get up on water skis.  Oh sure, she tried.

Her dad was actually quite patient with her.  She can remember the summer he drug her around the lake.  He was steering the boat, looking back at her expectantly, motioning with his hands to “just pop up on those skis!”

She swallowed a lot of water.  She kept getting in the lake and trying.

She just couldn’t do it.

Maybe she didn’t really want to water ski.  Everybody else said they loved water skiing.  She should probably love water skiing, too.  That’s what everybody did in the summer. Continue reading →


26
Jul 11

Lunch for Twilite

lunch-for-a-ponyBecause a little girl’s imaginary pony can get so very hungry.

 

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.
Theodore Geisel

 


21
Jul 11

I Am The Protector

protectionI wanted to find out what happened to Lisbeth Salander – really, I did.  I made it to page 532, out of 600 pages.  I almost got there.  In the middle of the book, where she’s attacked by the bad guy, I almost quit reading.  I told myself, “Oh come on, you wimp, certainly there will be justice in the end.  Keep reading.”  But at about page 489, I’d walk by my nightstand and I’d swear the book was growling and baring its teeth at me.  I felt the need to cross my arms in front of my chest to protect myself.

I returned the book – unfinished – to my girlfriend.  She’d also loaned me the second in the series.  “I’m sorry,” I muttered, “I can’t do it.  It hurts to read it.”  She knows me.  She just smiled.  I looked at her coffee table and saw another book that looked intriguing, and started to say, “How’s that one?”  She politely stopped me and said, “You won’t like that one, either.”

*sigh*

I wanted to watch Javier Bardem in “Biutiful“.   Last night I tucked the kids in and sat down for a rare treat – a grown-up movie.  I made it through 50 minutes before my stomach started to tighten and I noticed my fists were clenched.  It was raw and edgy and artsy and he was biutiful.  I had to stop watching to protect myself from the anxiety I feel whenever I’m exposed to turmoil.

*sigh* Continue reading →