To be happy, it first takes being comfortable in your own shoes. The rest can work up from there.
Sophia Bush
Posts Tagged: proactive
3
Dec 09
The Advent Calendar and Expectations
I knew this woman who had three kids and every year at Christmas, she put up a lavish Advent Calendar. She would wrap one present for each kid for each day on the calendar. That’s 75 little packages. I think she was running for the Mom Of The Year Award. I’ve not seen her in awhile. Maybe she buckled under the pressure of all those holiday expectations.
I made an Advent Calendar a few years ago.
Each day Will and Jenny open one envelope. They take turns opening, since there is only one envelope for each day. The envelope contains a little note that is their “present” for the day. It’s not always a package to open, in fact, it usually isn’t.
The note might say:
- Play games tonight.
- Go to the library.
- Soak your tootsies and watch a Christmas movie.
- Put up the Christmas Tree.
- Stay up late on a school night.
- Go to Grandma and Grandpa’s and play Aggravation.
- Look under the couch. (They’ll each find a candy bar.)
- Bake Christmas Cookies.
1
Dec 09
When To Pitch The Avocado
I’ve got leftover turkey to deal with. Not sure why I made a 10 pound turkey for the three of us. I knew, going into Thanksgiving, that Jenny wouldn’t eat any turkey. I made some noodle/turkey casserole thingee the other night. It was okay. It wasn’t anything that we’re dying to have again. I pitched the rest of that. Next I’ll try turkey soup. What is the compulsion to use every bit of the bird when I know that none of us are interested in eating any more of it? I satisfied the desire to prepare a traditional Thanksgiving meal. Why must I sentence us to boring meals until we’ve used every last bit?
I do the same thing with avocados. I buy a couple because they are good for us and some of us like them. I make plans and before I know it, the avocados have zoomed past ripe and landed right at gross. But avocados are expensive. I hate wasting them. I could buy cilantro and limes and make guacamole, but I’d be throwing good money after bad, in an effort to save what has gone bad. The guacamole wouldn’t be nearly as good as excellent guac made with perfectly ripe avocados.
I’ve done the same with a few relationships. I set out with the right intentions, only to have things go bad. Then I keep throwing good energy at it, hoping to make what is bad better. If a relationship is bad, I can throw all the positive spin in the world at it, and at the end of the day, it’s still just bad. I remember the counselor saying, “Put a positive spin on it. No marriage is all bad.” I was never quite sure how to put a positive spin on my continual failure as a spouse. You could dress me up, but I still couldn’t clean or cook well, as far as Mark was concerned.
I was talking to a dear friend yesterday. She’s at the end of her rope in a friendship with her neighbor. She kept giving her neighbor the benefit of the doubt. After three years of being a good listener and supportive friend, and getting the life sucked right out of her, my friend called it quits with her neighbor. And, because my friend is a really good person, she feels guilty about it. Isn’t that just how it is? Does the neighbor feel any guilt for taking and taking and never giving, during the entire length of that relationship? Who knows for sure. But, clearly, she took that love and attention for granted.
How are we supposed to know when enough is enough? When can we be done reinventing leftover turkey? When can we quit investing in a relationship that is not going anywhere? Who decides when and if it is time to quit? Do we wait for our partner or friend to make the decision? Can we get to the point where we honestly feel we have tried and given enough? When can we walk away with a clear conscience and hold our head high and say, “I did my best and it’s the best I can do?” Continue reading →
29
Nov 09
When Divorcing The Narcissist Isn’t Enough
Last night Will was so stressed, I actually resorted to giving him a Pepcid. That’s the first time he’s taken anything for an upset stomach. His stomach had been bothering him for two days. Coincidentally, his father had been over both those days.
I’m too familiar with this feeling. I have a stash of Pepcid for myself.
After both visits, Will started pacing, cussing and ranting. I’ve told him that he can write about what bugs him. We’ve lots of cryptic notes around the house.
“My Dad is an A hole.”
“F you dad.” Continue reading →
28
Nov 09
Promises
Those that are most slow in making a promise are the most faithful in the performance of it.
Jean Jacques Rousseau
28
Nov 09
Relationship 101
Speaking of good men … there is a good man in my life. Or at least there was. As of the last couple days, there is some question as to whether he is still in my life. As enlightened as I try to be, as whole as I want to be, as repaired as I pretend to be, I still don’t have a clue how to do this relationship stuff.
Narcissism Survivor or not, who amongst us does know how to do this relationship stuff? The person who could write THE guidebook on relationships would rank right up there with God and the first person to ever roast a coffee bean. Enough people have tried to write the definitive book on navigating the perils of relationships. I’ve read plenty of them. Either I’m a slow learner, or there really isn’t one primer that fits all cases.
Prior to leaving Mark, and for awhile after leaving him, I was convinced that I was never going to be in another relationship. Doesn’t everybody go through that? Sure, there are some who pass from one to another simultaneously, and they often readily admit their fear of living alone. But most of us need a good healthy breather before jumping back into the pool. I wasn’t looking when he came along. I was still focusing on how pleasant my life was, in the unencumbered state of divorce. I didn’t need anyone for financial reasons. I didn’t have a fear of being alone. Not like I was ever alone with two kids, anyway. I was coping quite nicely, in fact. I felt like I had the whole rest of my life ahead of me. I could do the projects I wanted, read what I wanted, travel to where I wanted, enjoy the hobbies that I liked. Okay, to be honest, there wasn’t much time for all of that because of being a mom. But I love being a mom, and it’s nice to think that when Jen and Will aren’t needing me as much, I’ll be free to pursue whatever my heart desires.
Then he came along. It started so innocently. We spent months getting to know each other online because we live in different states. It was perfect. Even if I desperately wanted to jump into a physical relationship with him, I was forced to take my time because of the distance. That was so smart, and so healthy. There’s a lot to be said for getting to know someone without the process being clouded by all the physical stuff.
That was two and a half years ago. In the meantime, there have been a few local guys that have called to invite me for coffee. I’m not one who enjoys talking on the phone. After a 45 minute phone conversation where a guy complains, non-stop, about his ex-wife, I’m ready to cut my left arm off. Let’s just say that there are a lot of people out there with a lot of issues. And my long distance friend continues to rise above. And I continue to screw it up. I am not spending any time worrying about whether he is a Narcissist. He’s the furthest thing from. I am spending too much time trying to figure out what my role is in a relationship. You mean I’m not supposed to do everything? Am I supposed to do anything? What should I do? I know I keep doing too much. I know I can’t shut up about it. I think I keep sabotaging things because I don’t have any faith. I’m positive that it will end badly, because that’s what history has taught me. Therefore, when things are fabulous, I set out to mess them up, just so I can get the inevitable over with. Continue reading →
23
Nov 09
Willpower
It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t. It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not.
James Gordon
21
Nov 09
Quit Wanting
What if we quit wanting? What if we accepted what was in front us? What if we quit wanting things to be different? What if we set out to change what wasn’t working, and then learned to accept what is just fine?
What if we quit wanting to change our partner, our children, our jobs, our house, our neighbors, and our co-workers?
What if we made the best of what we had, instead of opting for what might be better?
What if we quit wanting better or best, and came to love what might very well be quite good enough?
Can that be done if you are in a relationship with a Narcissist? Continue reading →
18
Nov 09
The Unexpected
Never lose faith. Never lose heart.
There’s always something unexpected
and terrific just around the bend. Unknown
16
Nov 09
Narcissists and Friendship
A very dear friend called this weekend. We’ve known each other since college. She’s one of those special friends that, although we may not get to visit as much as I’d like, when we do talk, we pick up right where we left off. She’d been reading my blog and thought maybe I needed a call. I didn’t realize I was sending out an S.O.S. That’s a beautiful thing about good friends, they often know you better than you know yourself. They can tell when you are feeling vulnerable, they can appreciate your successes, they know your different phases. They can tell you to quit taking yourself so seriously, just as you can do that for them.
When I was first dating Mark, I was curious about the fact that he didn’t have any friends. Actually, there was one guy that he would do a few things with, but he was kind of an odd duck. He didn’t have any friends, either. I just assumed that Mark poured himself into his business, and he didn’t have any time to cultivate friendships. Funny how you can so easily turn a negative into a positive when you are in a new relationship. Then, when Mark and I had been married for awhile, I would think to myself, “Well, I guess he just prefers to spend his time with me when he’s not working.”
I would have killed to be a hunting widow or a golf widow. Every healthy relationship needs those spaces where you go away, get a new perspective, and come back to look at your partner with fresh eyes. You don’t need to go away for a long time. Maybe you need an afternoon break, or a weekend break. Never having a break from your partner is like never changing the sheets on your bed. They can get pretty stale and smelly.
Several years into our marriage, Mark would rant about how I prevented him from going on his mountain adventures. He felt tied down and never got to take off like he did before we were married. I had heard the stories of his adventures. In most cases, he was by himself. I think he was angry with himself for not wanting to go by himself any more, and so he directed the anger at me.
Narcissists are lousy at friendship. They aren’t interested in carrying on a conversation unless the talk is all about them. And they sure aren’t going to spend any time worrying about someone else’s issues, feelings or concerns. A close friend of ours was going through a divorce. I had invited her for dinner. I wanted her to know that she had our support while she went through a difficult time. We shared some beers on the front deck, and we just let her vent. That’s what friends do. At one point, Mark got out of his lawn chair and headed into the house. I thought he was getting something to drink. He didn’t come back. He didn’t come back for dinner, either. I made some excuse for our friend, saying something like, “Oh, Mark hasn’t been feeling well.” I had seen him do this before — get up from the dinner table, or simply leave a room in the middle of a conversation. His rudeness astounded me. After the friend had gone home, I asked what had happened to him. He simply said, “I was bored with the conversation and wasn’t interested in sticking around for any more.” That is precisely why he’d find himself alone on his mountain trips.
13
Nov 09
Forget It
Don’t sweat it: If you’ve got a problem, look at it. If you can solve it, do it. If you can’t, forget about it.
Unknown
13
Nov 09
When A 15 Minute Trick Doesn’t Cut It
I’ve been around the block a few times — sometimes even stomping my feet while I make the pass. I know that, in some cases, a few deep breaths, or a glass of water, or a handful of nuts, or a self-imposed time-out just won’t do the trick. Hell, I’ve even chugged the glass of water, grabbed the handful of nuts, marched outside, and come storming back in to start scrubbing the floor. By then, I’ve gone way beyond the 15 minutes, and it’s still not working.
This is when I get serious. This will sound like a contradiction to the 15 Minute Tricks, but it’s necessary to get inside my head for this approach. I force myself to sort through all the tangled thoughts that are swimming around in my brain.
An aside … One day I’m getting my haircut by this gal that I love who runs a beauty shop with her sister. They are chatting about this book that one of them is reading. It has something to do with “Women are Spaghetti and Men are Waffles.” How can you not enjoy an analogy like that? Besides, I absolutely adore spaghetti. I guess the premise is that women have every thought they’ve ever had wrapped around every other thought they’ve ever had. And all those thoughts are standing at the ready to wrap around any new or potential thoughts. Men compartmentalize their thoughts into neat little boxes, like the sections of a waffle. I’ve got to get that book. Anyway, I find that I’ve been enjoying thinking of female brains as plates of spaghetti, and male brains as a bunch of boxes with lids. (I don’t really like waffles. And I admire a guy’s ability to put a topic or thought into a box, put a lid on it, and return to it later. Sometimes they decide they don’t like, never have liked, that thought, and they never go back. I wish I could do that.)
So I’m going with the plate-of-spaghetti analogy. In that plate of spaghetti, or pile of thoughts, there are usually a couple thoughts that seem to be festering among the other relatively innocuous thoughts. The plan is to ferret out the one or two thoughts that seem to be poisoning all the others. The poisonous thoughts are the ones that do me in. I can deal with all the mundane issues. I begin to sort out the thoughts. I’ll see if there’s anything I can do about them, and take some kind of action.
Maybe your laptop is away for repairs. Maybe your laundry is multiplying and making its way down the hall. Maybe toys are littering every corner of the house. Maybe your mom can’t seem to find a way to say anything without hurting your feelings. Maybe the leaves are piling up and waiting for you to go at them with a rake. Maybe the furnace only comes on when you fiddle with the switch on the thermostat. Maybe the person you want to spend the rest of your life with lives 2000 miles away. Maybe you haven’t the slightest clue what to fix for dinner. Continue reading →
