Posts Tagged: proactive
3
Oct 09
My Declaration
My mom is trying to help. She loves me and her heart is in the right place. She recommended that I pick up the book by Steve Harvey called, ‘Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man’. Am I the only woman offended by this title? I’ve admitted that my goal was to be a wife and mother, but I did not agree to erase my personality. And I wouldn’t want a guy who can’t appreciate my femaleness as much as I appreciate his maleness. Why does it seem that every popular relationship book has women adapting themselves to suit a man? I just read this article about improving your relationship by not talking about it. There’s a ton of research out there about how guys don’t like to talk about feelings and relationships, so if women want a relationship, they better talk to their girlfriends about it, not their guy. How about all the research that says women need to talk about feelings and relationships? Where are the books that say that if a guy wants a relationship, he better at least try to utter something about how he feels? Forget it. Once again, we are to adapt ourselves to them. They don’t have to, shouldn’t have to and will not adapt to us. Wouldn’t it work if there was a compromise somewhere? What if I agreed to not always have to talk feelings, and he worked on once in awhile listening and not running away from anything to do with feelings?
Here’s my declaration:
1. I will not stifle who I am to get a man. I will be emotional and enjoy all the feelings that I have. I will be wholly female and revel in it.
2. I will not change what I look like to get a man. I will like the way I look (at least most days) and know that I am looking my best. Looks never last anyway.
3. I will watch football if I want to. I will golf when I want to. I will ski as fast or as slow as I want to. I will read when I want and talk on the phone when I want and watch tv when I want and cry when I want. Continue reading →
29
Sep 09
Anything’s Possible
I had a dream last night. Don’t panic. I’m not going to bore you with the details. But this morning, I felt a sense of hope that there might really be someone out there for me.
Accommodators are a special breed. Of course I say that, because I’m an accommodator. I think we get that way from our upbringing. We don’t think people like us or love us unless we do things for them. As long as we take care of everything, then we guarantee that we will be loved. It’s easy to see how narcissists prey on accommodators. It’s a match made in heaven. Accommodators need to please/serve/give and narcissists need to receive and be served. If the accommodator manages to serve, all the while admiring and complimenting the narcissist, well that’s even better. That’s why those relationships appear to work well. From an outsider’s perspective, it seems that both partners are getting what they want. That is until the narcissist determines that the accommodator isn’t performing up to standard, isn’t giving enough, or isn’t serving quickly enough.
I have to learn that I am just as worthy of receiving as anyone else. I will still be liked even if I am not constantly doing for others. I will be liked for who I am, not just what I can do. My mom once told me that I was so accommodating that I was annoying. I always thought the world would be a nicer place if everybody was a little more accommodating. Maybe she’s right. I’m going to work on not feeling guilty about receiving. I’m going to work on graciously letting someone do for me.
So in the dream, I’d met a man who was patient with me. He didn’t treat me like an inconvenience because of my sometimes messy life with kids. He enjoyed my company. He liked me even when he was doing things for me. And in the dream, I felt appreciated, accepted and loved. In the dream, I kept looking at this man as if he might disappear. I was stunned that he would want to be with me.
He’s out there. Somewhere. I think.
23
Sep 09
Survival Tools
When I was looking for a divorce lawyer, I met with a female attorney first. I could tell from the first meeting that she didn’t like me. We just didn’t click. I didn’t hire her and went on to hire a different attorney. The first attorney did give me some valuable advice. She wisely told me that I needed to give Will and Jenny the tools they needed to learn to deal with their dad and his disorder. She made a point of making sure that I understood that I could not prevent them from seeing their dad, so I might as well arm them with the necessary coping skills.
Her statement has really stuck with me. And it applies to life in general. As much as we may want to run from situations, we only grow by learning to deal with them. Go ahead and run, but chances are, the new path you take could lead you headlong into the same mess. I have not specifically told Will and Jenny about their dad and NPD.* They are too young for that. But when they ask questions about their dad’s behavior, I take the time to explain his actions. My goal is for the kids to understand that their dad is just the way he is, and it has absolutely nothing to do with who they are, how they dress, what their interests are or anything they are doing. I do not want them laying awake at night, thinking that their dad behaves the way he does because of something they did or because of who they are.
They have managed to come up with a pretty good set of tools for heading off any disappointments or confrontations. They have learned which buttons to avoid pushing. It has all been trial and error. Act this way, and this is what you get. Act a different way and you can expect this. Kids are intelligent. They understand cause and effect. If something is painful, they’ll do their best to avoid it.
Mark stopped by for a visit yesterday. Just before he had gotten here, Jenny had been rubbing her eye. Her eye was irritated and red. When I asked her if she was going to go out and say hi to her dad, she said, “Mom, if he sees that my eye is red, he’s going to treat me like a baby. I’m not going out there.” (Mark still believes that Jenny is the last holdout for any sourcing of his narcissism. He treats her like a baby with the hope that she will always be his admiring little girl. He does not empathize with the fact that seven year old girls cannot stand to be treated like babies.) I laughingly suggested that she wear my sunglasses, and expected that she wouldn’t take me up on the offer. Surely, wearing big sunglasses would get more adverse attention than a red eye. She took me up on the offer. She pranced around the front yard in huge sunglasses, and she never took them off. Being the true narcissist that he is, he didn’t even notice the sunglasses or the red eye. It ended up being fun for Jenny, and she avoided being treated like the baby.
Will and Jenny have gotten pretty clever at coming up with different tools. I help them to be confident with who they are. They come up with the tools and coping mechanisms on their own. And just like with everything else in life, the lessons we learn on our own are the ones that stick. They will both come out of this with some pretty extensive tool chests. Those tools should serve them both well in all their different relationships. Continue reading →
21
Sep 09
The Challenge To Change
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
Victor Frankl
21
Sep 09
Forgiveness
I have one of those screensavers on my laptop that displays all the photos in My Pictures. I still have all the photos from when we lived with Mark. Others have commented that it’s a little odd that I haven’t removed them. That screensaver provides a lot of entertainment for Will and Jenny. It’s like having a whole bunch of photo albums at their fingertips. Their dad is still a huge part of their lives and they get a great deal of enjoyment out of the photos.
If it pains me to see pictures of Mark, then I haven’t moved on.
The other day I walked by the laptop and saw a nice photo of Mark with one of the kids. I thought how sad it is that he misses out on the day-to-day stuff with Will and Jen. As an accommodator, it is easy to lose sleep over stuff like that. That’s why it took me so long to leave.
I felt sorry for Mark over many issues. I felt sorry for him because of his upbringing. I felt sorry for him because of the distance between himself and the rest of his family. Was I going to feel sorry for him for the rest of my life? Naturally, there was a point when I was too mad to feel sorry. But mostly, it is sad that NPD prevents him from really knowing his kids. NPD prevents him from having any healthy relationships.
There is so much written about forgiveness. We’ve heard it all about how the only one who is hurt when you hold a grudge is yourself. Continue reading →
16
Sep 09
Be The Change
I have nagged. I have whined. I have cajoled. I have pleaded.
I have waited for change to come.
How long must I wait? At what point do I look in the mirror and decide that I don’t like what I see anymore?
I don’t like nagging, whining, pleading and waiting. How many times have I heard that I can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change? It seems pretty obvious that the personality type that is least likely to change would be the narcissistic personality. Why even consider changing something that is already perfect?
I waited for things to change. Continue reading →
13
Sep 09
Clean Windows
Better keep yourself clean and bright. You are the window through which you must see the world.
George Bernard Shaw
11
Sep 09
Grace
Grace isn’t a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal.
It’s a way to live. – Jacqueline Winspear
It’s a way to live. – Jacqueline Winspear
5
Sep 09
Moving On
I just got back from our local citizens’ swap center – the place where you take the things nobody wants or will take – the things too good for the dump. I left two car seats. That’s particularly weird because my kids are now 11 and 7. I’m still trying to figure out why I kept the car seats for so long.
I live in a tiny house. My kids are regularly annoyed by my desire to weed out and pitch the stuff that we don’t love. There’s only so much room and I’m a firm believer that stuff doesn’t just clutter your house, it clutters your mind. We have a fine habit of periodically going through our stuff, deciding what we love, and then finding new homes for the stuff we can live without.
I have kept certain precious baby things – toys, and clothing items that are irresistible. I’m not a complete pragmatist. I do have my mushy spots about my kids. I can still remember how they smelled after they woke from a nap. I can still feel their warmth from carrying them everywhere in the Snuggli. I’ve kept the Snuggli, too.
But why have I kept the car seats?
I have one of those add-on rear-view mirrors that I can point in the direction of the back seat. I can monitor the touch fights, the hair pulling, and the eye-rolling. Mostly, I love looking in that mirror to see those sweet sleeping faces with the long lashes and the tiny noses. In all actuality, what I usually see in that little mirror is two cute kids picking their noses. Continue reading →
4
Sep 09
An Unstructured Life
I want to inhabit my life like a porch – unstructured, without ambition or anxiety.
Rebecca Wells
4
Sep 09
Individual Moments of Peace
This evening I sat for a spell on my front porch. We are enjoying the last few days of our summer, and today was particularly gorgeous. I see an image of me hanging from the letter r in the word summer, by my fingernails. I can’t let go of summer quite yet, there’s still a bit of juice left.
I was perched on the porch, feeling like I was suspended above myself.
Not a religious or zen thing, but a brief moment of stillness.
Those still moments can feel familiar, and foreign, all at the same time.
The temperature was perfect. Continue reading →
