Posts Tagged: proactive

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 40 Comments
6
Sep 11

It Takes a Good Leavin’ Alone

When he sends the epically long email explaining that he hasn’t introduced the kids to his girlfriend because they don’t show that they care about his life, they never come over anyway, and he really didn’t think it was any of their business…

When they question your choices, make sarcastic comments about your lifestyle and complain about how stressed and over-worked they are…

When you’ve seen that they can make healthy choices without you having to hover, lecture, or demand…

When he’s never shown any interest in what you have to say, yet you think he will this time… Continue reading →

Moving On / Seeing My Path / Tools — 27 Comments
26
Aug 11

Secret Makings of a Happy Ending

The pile of clean folded clothes was a prop. The pile sat on the counter waiting for its cue. The cue was the sound of the garage door opening.

__________

She wrote detailed plans for her new future. She’d live in a house where she could take deep breaths – a house where she didn’t walk on eggshells.

She wouldn’t have to ask permission to faux-paint the bathroom walls. She’d cook what she liked at whatever time of the day she pleased.

She’d sweep the floor when she felt it needed it. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 10 Comments
22
Aug 11

“It’s Karma, Stupid.”

“It’s about how many times you keep coming back, working on the same lessons with the same people.”

“How many more times do you want to play the doormat? ”

“How many more times are you going to cry yourself to sleep because you don’t feel loved? ”

“How many more times are you going to deny who you are because you fear others won’t accept you?”

“Do you think these lessons can be learned by yourself?”

“Don‘t you think the lessons are learned through the relating to others?”

…

“I just see you giving lip service to all this stuff – the universe, God, karma, love, truth, authenticity. That’s great and lofty and swell and all, but when are you going to really act on this stuff you say you believe in?”

*From a conversation – Seeing My Path.

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 5 Comments
15
Aug 11

Walls, Fences and Structures

An excerpt from Seeing My Path.

… I remind myself that all the structures in my life have been created by me.

The structures are determined by my relationships and my role in those relationships. The structures dictate where I go.

I think of the structures as guard rails that keep me on the path I’m traveling.

. . .

The structure prevented me from moving closer to who I was supposed to be.

On this plateau, with the sun warming my face, I can see – far down below – a maze of high walls. The walls are the structure I thought I needed to guarantee love and acceptance. They funneled me in the direction of pleasing others, helping others, and putting myself last.

What if I made the decision to raze those walls and create a new structure?

What if I trusted that love would come to me if I allowed myself to follow a path that didn’t put everyone else first?

Could it be that each step in the direction of my true self might bring me more strength and more love?

Then I heard myself having a conversation with… well… myself.

*To read more about how my choices and structures led to my marrying a narcissist, how I lost myself, changed course and finally got headed in my right direction check out Seeing My Path – In and Out of a Relationship With a Narcissist.

It’s a good story with a happy ending… so far. ;)

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools — 16 Comments
8
Aug 11

Surviving Nicely – 2

It feels good typing the title of this post.

I hope you like Fritos. We’re also serving lemonade because, well, we have all those lemons. I have to enjoy a little wine on a birthday. Jenny is throwing confetti. Will is tech decking in the background.

And there’s gratitude flowing through the room

It’s the 2nd birthday here at survivingnarcissism.com.

I don’t know how it happened.

Yes! We’ve journeyed through another year on this blog. Continue reading →

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 6 Comments
6
Aug 11

Delicious Beginnings and a Red Wagon

An excerpt from Seeing My Path…

“Remember when we were a kid and didn’t care? Do you remember back before we worried if our ears were too big, whether we talked too much, if our eyebrows were too caterpillar-like, or if our arms and legs were too long and skinny?

Can you remember a time before we started to think there was something wrong with us?

Let’s be that kid pulling a red wagon full of hopes, dreams and lessons to be learned.

Let’s be that kid before she’s hardened by disappointments, dashed hopes and unfulfilled dreams.

Let‘s be that kid before she lets the doubts change her opinion of herself – before she began to believe the criticisms or hurtful comments from others.

Let‘s be the kid who believed she could do anything and thought she was lovable and likeable and a joy to be around.

Can you imagine anyone not wanting to be around our kids? Try to feel that way about us. We, above all, know our intrinsic goodness. We know the depth of our character.

Let’s be the kid who is proud of the stories she writes and the cakes she bakes and the pictures she draws and the forts she builds.

Love us as much as we love the kids.

Forgive our screw ups.

Believe in our intentions.

Allow us to grow into who we are.”

*Notes from a conversation with myself, on a high plateau, somewhere in the middle of Montana.

Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 9 Comments
30
Jul 11

Letting Go of the Rope

She never could get up on water skis. Oh sure, she tried.

Her dad was actually quite patient with her. She can remember the summer he drug her around the lake. He was steering the boat, looking back at her expectantly, motioning with his hands to “just pop up on those skis!”

She swallowed a lot of water. She kept getting in the lake and trying.

She just couldn’t do it.

Maybe she didn’t really want to water ski. Everybody else said they loved water skiing. She should probably love water skiing, too. That’s what everybody did in the summer. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 58 Comments
21
Jul 11

I Am The Protector

I wanted to find out what happened to Lisbeth Salander – really, I did. I made it to page 532, out of 600 pages. I almost got there. In the middle of the book, where she’s attacked by the bad guy, I almost quit reading. I told myself, “Oh come on, you wimp, certainly there will be justice in the end. Keep reading.” But at about page 489, I’d walk by my nightstand and I’d swear the book was growling and baring its teeth at me. I felt the need to cross my arms in front of my chest to protect myself.

I returned the book – unfinished – to my girlfriend. She’d also loaned me the second in the series. “I’m sorry,” I muttered, “I can’t do it. It hurts to read it.” She knows me. She just smiled. I looked at her coffee table and saw another book that looked intriguing, and started to say, “How’s that one?” She politely stopped me and said, “You won’t like that one, either.”

*sigh*

I wanted to watch Javier Bardem in “Biutiful“. Last night I tucked the kids in and sat down for a rare treat – a grown-up movie. I made it through 50 minutes before my stomach started to tighten and I noticed my fists were clenched. It was raw and edgy and artsy and he was biutiful. I had to stop watching to protect myself from the anxiety I feel whenever I’m exposed to turmoil.

*sigh* Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 14 Comments
11
Jul 11

It’s Good To Have Friends

good-friend On my third hike up the hill I was breathing hard, wiping the back of my neck and wondering why I wasn’t sitting on the front step with a cup of coffee.

Then she darted out from the tall yellow wildflowers. Startled, I said, “What are you doing here? Are you walking the hill with me?” She meowed and took the lead – for a bit.

She didn’t block my route, and I didn’t block hers. When the path was wide enough, we walked side-by-side.

We I chatted and talked of the flowers and the wide river and the scent of sage in the air. I told her it was nice to see her and that her presence made my walking more enjoyable and less of a chore.

Then she let me take the lead. We walked over the short flowers and around the tall ones, and when we got to the top she stopped and meowed. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Recipes / Tools — 19 Comments
1
Jul 11

On Nice Boogie Monsters and Aromatherapy

nice-boogie-monsters Jenny made these guys with scraps of fabric, old buttons and polyfill. She stitches little grins on their faces. Some have one eye, others have two. When I asked Jenny what she calls them, she said, “They are Nice Boogie Monsters.”

She made one for me, one for Will and one for our cat, plus some extras, just in case.

They live in a ceramic bowl in the center of the purple dining room table. The wait patiently, some times all day, for one of us to walk by and stop to pick one up and squeeze it. I can’t seem to walk by that bowl without smiling.

__________

I know absolutely nothing about aromatherapy, but I do know the sense of smell is a powerful one. I could Google which scents are recommended for altering which moods and find the perfect combination of essential oils to elevate sad moods, and bring relaxation or a sense of calm into our home. Instead, I looked at the ingredients and combinations and just picked based on what I thought sounded good. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Random Observations / Tools — 26 Comments
15
Jun 11

The Filing Cabinet

filing-basket1 She’d had the filing cabinet since college, or maybe even high school. It was a bland almond color and it leaned to the right under the weight of all the files. It was a struggle to open the drawers. When she did, the drawer scraped against the metal sides of the cabinet, opening to reveal a mess of papers, their crumpled corners poking out of worn manila file folders.

There was no real organization to the drawers.

She had categorically filed in the beginning, but the sheer number of papers now prevented an orderly system. The drawers of the two-drawer cabinet could not hold any more folders. She was considering buying a larger cabinet.

Each filed note or paper represented a hurt, a slight, or a rude comment. She hadn’t filed based on intent. There wasn’t a drawer for intended hurts or a second drawer for accidental digs.

On rainy days, when the kids were busy playing, she’d go into her bedroom and slowly open a drawer. For some reason, she couldn’t resist re-visiting the hurtful comments written on the worn pages. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 4 Comments
11
Jun 11

Nothing Says Love Like a Bowl of Rice Krispies

rice-creepies Love isn’t grand gestures, flowery platitudes, or mountains of toys. Love doesn’t require self-sacrifice on the part of the giver. Love doesn’t demand service from the recipient.

Love is an accumulation of many little acts.

A warm lap to land on at the end of a crazy day.
A look in the eyes that tells them, “I know you. I understand why you feel this way. I will listen.”
A warm “chocolate milky” every morning, and the ability to ask for a little more chocolate without making mom mad.
Watching the 9,000th kick flip and yelling encouragement.
A safe big bed when the shadows on the wall look like ghosts.
Knowing that she likes less peanut butter and more jam.
Knowing that he dips absolutely everything in barbecue sauce.
A readiness to answer questions, no matter the time or the lack of answers.
Catching his eye at the skate park and mouthing the words, “Olive Juice.”
Knowing that each of them has different signs that indicate that they are hungry or stressed or tired or over-the-moon happy.
Allowing them to be who they are without judgments or expectations.
A note on her pillow saying she’s the most talented girl I know.
Pouring a bowl of cereal every morning, and tucking them in every night.

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 12 Comments
7
Jun 11

What To Do With A Crate of Lemons

Sunday evening someone left a big wooden crate of lemons on my front step. There were lemons spilling out of the crate and rolling down the steps into my front yard.

Lemons were everywhere.

Oh, what to do with all those lemons.

While I could have decided not to bring the lemons inside, that thought never occurred to me. I picked up the lemons that had rolled down the stairs and brought them into the house. I went back out to get the crate. I placed them all on the kitchen table.

Jenny’s best friend was spending the night, so Jenny was happily oblivious, and didn’t even notice the lemons. Will helped me pick up lemons, all the while asking questions. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 19 Comments
4
Jun 11

The Commencement Address I Wish I’d Heard

Congratulations! You did it!

Pat yourself on the back. While that might be the only pat you get, it’s the only one that matters.

You’ve proven that you can sit still, be quiet, stand in line and follow rules. Those skills will come in handy.

Now it’s time to create your future.

You don’t have to know what that is today. In fact, you don’t have to have a plan. You don’t have to pursue a title or a label or lots of dollars. You do, however, owe it to yourself to find something you love doing.

How do you know what that is, you ask? Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 9 Comments
19
May 11

You Tell Me

So…

I received what I thought was a spam comment, only I wasn’t sure. It/he/she said, “I can’t view your site from my phone. Help!” So I got to looking and checking on plugins and upgrades and CSS stuff. I even considered pursuing a degree in Computer Software or How to Pretend Like You Know What You Are Doing With Computers, and then I thought I’d ask you.

Would you like to be able to view this site on your phone?

What would you like to see here?

Is there a subject you’d like to see discussed?

Are there topics or discussions that you’d like to see more of?

I am loving my random approach to topics, but I always go back to thinking of the survivors out there and the ones who read here. I want to continue to share the tools that have helped the three of us.

If there’s something that you’d like to see here, that you think would help your corner of the world, please list that in the comment section below.

Thank you, spammer or nice person or whatever you are for asking about how to view this blog on your phone.

One day I might be savvy enough, or even care to want to view a blog on my phone. Don’t hold your breath. I’d have to wrestle my phone away from Will, first.

In the meantime, thank you for reading, commenting, and recommending this blog to your friends. This site only gets richer if more take part in the sharing.