survive « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: survive

Moving On — 1 Comment
28
Nov 09

Relationship 101

Speaking of good men … there is a good man in my life. Or at least there was. As of the last couple days, there is some question as to whether he is still in my life. As enlightened as I try to be, as whole as I want to be, as repaired as I pretend to be, I still don’t have a clue how to do this relationship stuff.

Narcissism Survivor or not, who amongst us does know how to do this relationship stuff? The person who could write THE guidebook on relationships would rank right up there with God and the first person to ever roast a coffee bean. Enough people have tried to write the definitive book on navigating the perils of relationships. I’ve read plenty of them. Either I’m a slow learner, or there really isn’t one primer that fits all cases.

Prior to leaving Mark, and for awhile after leaving him, I was convinced that I was never going to be in another relationship. Doesn’t everybody go through that? Sure, there are some who pass from one to another simultaneously, and they often readily admit their fear of living alone. But most of us need a good healthy breather before jumping back into the pool. I wasn’t looking when he came along. I was still focusing on how pleasant my life was, in the unencumbered state of divorce. I didn’t need anyone for financial reasons. I didn’t have a fear of being alone. Not like I was ever alone with two kids, anyway. I was coping quite nicely, in fact. I felt like I had the whole rest of my life ahead of me. I could do the projects I wanted, read what I wanted, travel to where I wanted, enjoy the hobbies that I liked. Okay, to be honest, there wasn’t much time for all of that because of being a mom. But I love being a mom, and it’s nice to think that when Jen and Will aren’t needing me as much, I’ll be free to pursue whatever my heart desires.

Then he came along. It started so innocently. We spent months getting to know each other online because we live in different states. It was perfect. Even if I desperately wanted to jump into a physical relationship with him, I was forced to take my time because of the distance. That was so smart, and so healthy. There’s a lot to be said for getting to know someone without the process being clouded by all the physical stuff.

That was two and a half years ago. In the meantime, there have been a few local guys that have called to invite me for coffee. I’m not one who enjoys talking on the phone. After a 45 minute phone conversation where a guy complains, non-stop, about his ex-wife, I’m ready to cut my left arm off. Let’s just say that there are a lot of people out there with a lot of issues. And my long distance friend continues to rise above. And I continue to screw it up. I am not spending any time worrying about whether he is a Narcissist. He’s the furthest thing from. I am spending too much time trying to figure out what my role is in a relationship. You mean I’m not supposed to do everything? Am I supposed to do anything? What should I do? I know I keep doing too much. I know I can’t shut up about it. I think I keep sabotaging things because I don’t have any faith. I’m positive that it will end badly, because that’s what history has taught me. Therefore, when things are fabulous, I set out to mess them up, just so I can get the inevitable over with. Continue reading →

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26
Nov 09

Survivor Humor

I heard this the other night and I immediately asked if I could use it. I’ve been thinking about how well it would tie into the next post I was planning to write. Just now I realized that this is worthy of a stand-alone piece.

Let me say, first of all, that I know that the world is populated with really good men. A lot of those good men also happen to be good fathers and good husbands. My brother and step-brothers, my cousins’ husbands, husbands of friends — all of them are stellar examples of fine men. They are the get-down-on-the-floor and play, bath-giving, diaper-changing, nose-wiping, up-in-the-middle-of-the-night kind of fully involved dads. And they are the kind of men who see that marriage is a partnership that requires lots of sacrifice and compromise. I know that a good man is not a mythical creature.

Having said that, I still wonder how it is that I managed to marry a Narcissist when there are some damn fine men out there. I know all the factors that steered me in the direction of Mark. No point in beating myself up about it.

The kids and I are looking forward to ski season. When I met Mark, I was the more avid skier. He was eager to get out and do more downhill skiing, so we enjoyed several ski seasons together before Will was born. I’ve heard the stories, and seen firsthand, how there are husbands out there who take turns. They actually opt to skip out on fishing or hunting or skiing trips because they have children. Mark was of the mind set that the raising of the children was my job. And on the weekends, it was still my job. There was never any discussion about the possibility of skipping a day of skiing or, heaven-for-bid, babysitting Will so that I might hit the slopes. It was just understand that when children are introduced into the relationship, the wife’s life changes, but the husband’s remains the same.

Recently Will was asking me why it is that I never go fishing anymore. Apparently, Mark kindly pointed out that when I used to be fun, I would actually go fishing. I explained that I used to enjoy flyfishing a lot. In fact, his father and I took up the sport together. Then I went on to explain that when Will was born, it fell on me to stay with the kids so that Mark could still fish. Jenny is now getting to the age where we could all fish together. But it’s been a lot of years, and I’m a little rusty on my casting. I’m going to find a good way to explain to Will and Jenny that there are men out there who take turns. That means that sometimes the whole family goes fishing, and the dad hangs with the kids a bit while the mom fishes, and then the mom hangs with the kids. You get the picture. It’s a novel concept. But, I’ve heard that it works. Continue reading →

Moving On / Quotes — Comments Off
23
Nov 09

Willpower

It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t. It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not.

James Gordon

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 8 Comments
23
Nov 09

Leaf Therapy

yellow I ended up raking leaves today. The wind had done a good job, but there were still quite a few leaves in the back yard – probably has something to do with the fencing.

The sky was gray, and the air had that feeling like the clouds were getting ready to unload their piles of snow. It lent a certain urgency to the raking. I kept telling myself that a cup of coffee would taste that much better if I got one more chore crossed off the list.

__________

I remember after 9/11, I was cleaning my kitchen and thinking, “God, I’m so lucky, I get to clean my kitchen.” It seemed that I shouldn’t allow myself to complain about chores when so many would never be able to complain again. I felt like that while raking leaves today.

I’m lucky that I can rake. Continue reading →

Quotes — Comments Off
21
Nov 09

Believe

Believe that you have it, and you have it.

Latin Proverb

Moving On — 1 Comment
21
Nov 09

Quit Wanting

What if we quit wanting? What if we accepted what was in front us? What if we quit wanting things to be different? What if we set out to change what wasn’t working, and then learned to accept what is just fine?

What if we quit wanting to change our partner, our children, our jobs, our house, our neighbors, and our co-workers?

What if we made the best of what we had, instead of opting for what might be better?

What if we quit wanting better or best, and came to love what might very well be quite good enough?

Can that be done if you are in a relationship with a Narcissist? Continue reading →

Quotes — 1 Comment
18
Nov 09

The Unexpected

Never lose faith.
Never lose heart.
There’s always something unexpected
and terrific just around the bend.

Unknown

Quotes — Comments Off
16
Nov 09

Friendship

I get by with a little help from my friends.

John Lennon

Quotes — Comments Off
13
Nov 09

Forget It

Don’t sweat it: If you’ve got a problem, look at it. If you can solve it, do it. If you can’t, forget about it.

Unknown

Control / Moving On — 1 Comment
13
Nov 09

When A 15 Minute Trick Doesn’t Cut It

I’ve been around the block a few times — sometimes even stomping my feet while I make the pass. I know that, in some cases, a few deep breaths, or a glass of water, or a handful of nuts, or a self-imposed time-out just won’t do the trick. Hell, I’ve even chugged the glass of water, grabbed the handful of nuts, marched outside, and come storming back in to start scrubbing the floor. By then, I’ve gone way beyond the 15 minutes, and it’s still not working.

This is when I get serious. This will sound like a contradiction to the 15 Minute Tricks, but it’s necessary to get inside my head for this approach. I force myself to sort through all the tangled thoughts that are swimming around in my brain.

An aside … One day I’m getting my haircut by this gal that I love who runs a beauty shop with her sister. They are chatting about this book that one of them is reading. It has something to do with “Women are Spaghetti and Men are Waffles.” How can you not enjoy an analogy like that? Besides, I absolutely adore spaghetti. I guess the premise is that women have every thought they’ve ever had wrapped around every other thought they’ve ever had. And all those thoughts are standing at the ready to wrap around any new or potential thoughts. Men compartmentalize their thoughts into neat little boxes, like the sections of a waffle. I’ve got to get that book. Anyway, I find that I’ve been enjoying thinking of female brains as plates of spaghetti, and male brains as a bunch of boxes with lids. (I don’t really like waffles. And I admire a guy’s ability to put a topic or thought into a box, put a lid on it, and return to it later. Sometimes they decide they don’t like, never have liked, that thought, and they never go back. I wish I could do that.)

So I’m going with the plate-of-spaghetti analogy. In that plate of spaghetti, or pile of thoughts, there are usually a couple thoughts that seem to be festering among the other relatively innocuous thoughts. The plan is to ferret out the one or two thoughts that seem to be poisoning all the others. The poisonous thoughts are the ones that do me in. I can deal with all the mundane issues. I begin to sort out the thoughts. I’ll see if there’s anything I can do about them, and take some kind of action.

Maybe your laptop is away for repairs. Maybe your laundry is multiplying and making its way down the hall. Maybe toys are littering every corner of the house. Maybe your mom can’t seem to find a way to say anything without hurting your feelings. Maybe the leaves are piling up and waiting for you to go at them with a rake. Maybe the furnace only comes on when you fiddle with the switch on the thermostat. Maybe the person you want to spend the rest of your life with lives 2000 miles away. Maybe you haven’t the slightest clue what to fix for dinner. Continue reading →

Quotes — Comments Off
12
Nov 09

Just Quit

Quit thinkin’ about it.

Will Blayne

Moving On / Tools — Comments Off
12
Nov 09

In Under 15 Minutes

I was irritated this afternoon. I was pissy, bitchy, frustrated and crabby. I felt like I was on the verge of a full-fledged funk. No, it wasn’t my period. No, Mark hadn’t done anything. I was out-of-sorts.

History has taught me that if I don’t get a handle on this crabbiness, it can go deep. I didn’t have the time or patience to walk the hill. I’m trying to be disciplined and not reach for a glass of wine. I needed to do something quick, between helping with homework and cooking dinner.

When I was married to Mark, we had a neighbor who was a lovely lady. I’d see her occasionally and she was always pleasant and encouraging. I always looked harried and tired. She didn’t have a clue about my marriage to a narcissist. She probably assumed that I looked the way I did because I was home all day with two little kids.

She’d often look at me with kind eyes and say, “This, too, shall pass.” Initially, I would find comfort in her words, but later I became annoyed with that expression. I kept wondering, “Just when will this pass? How long do I have to wait? Can’t I speed this up a bit?”

I needed to play a more active role in getting through those episodes. Continue reading →

Moving On — 1 Comment
6
Nov 09

Narcissists Can’t Dance

I got rid of my piano. I gave away the dining room table. We have a tiny house. But now we have some open floor space on the hardwoods in the dining room. It’s going to stay that way. Every morning we listen to music before we head out the door. Will gets to pick on Mondays and Wednesdays. Jenny picks on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I get Fridays. Most of the time, we are brushing our teeth while dancing in the middle of the dining room. It sets a happier tone and helps us choose a better attitude before we really get the day going.

In addition to saying your kind words to yourself each day, you ought to be making music a big part of your life. There are times when it’s comforting to listen to sad stuff. Sad music allows you to wallow in your mess a bit. You shouldn’t do that for long. But sometimes it’s necessary to feel crappy about your situation. It serves the same purpose as venting to a friend who will listen. Music shares your pain. After a couple or three moody songs, then it’s time to pick something fast, fun and in-your-face. Our current favorites are “Rocks in Your Shoes” by Emily West, and “Heaven” by Los Lonely Boys. Will and Jen know all the words by heart. I’m pretty sure they haven’t listened enough to get the meaning. But they love the beat.

When I was a kid we had a Hammond Organ. Wow. It’s great fun when you are a sixth grader comparing notes on what instrument you play. One kid plays the flute. One kid plays the trumpet. The cool kid plays the drums. The even cooler kid plays the guitar. And the nerdy girl plays the organ. I got to take organ lessons. That’s probably when I first learned to be self-deprecating. If you can’t laugh at yourself for taking organ lessons, then you better develop a thicker skin.

My mom had a thing for playing the piano and then the organ. She tells how when she and my dad first divorced, she would tuck my brother in his bed, and me in my bed, fix a stiff drink, put on the headphones, and play the organ — really loud. It was her way of shouting at the world. Her way of expressing all that anger and resentment.

I hate the organ. I have an iPod. Lucky me. The three of us enjoy it in the morning. I enjoy it all by myself at night. I’ve noticed that I’ve gravitated toward the fast, take-on-the world kind of songs; and away from the sad, what-about-me songs. And the dancing is a big part of the music. We all dance like maniacs around here. It’s a great way to have fun with each other. And for me, it’s a great way to relieve stress. Who cares what you look like? It’s about the fun of expressing the music. Continue reading →

Moving On — Comments Off
4
Nov 09

Housekeeping

My bathroom is dirty. The kitchen floor needs to be mopped. I probably haven’t vacuumed in … I’m not going to tell you how long it has been. I was just brushing my teeth, noticed the spots on the bathroom mirror, the dusty bathroom floor and thought, “Hm, I really ought to get to that.” I finished my teeth, turned off the bathroom light and walked away. I can walk away from things like that now. I get to determine when I handle those chores.

I get to decide what time we eat dinner. If dinner is lousy, I don’t get any dirty looks or snide comments. I choose what I want to watch on T.V. – when we’re done watching the Disney Channel. I hang pictures where I want. I rake the leaves if I want, or not. I don’t make the beds every day. ( I never have understood that custom. You get out of bed, you eat breakfast, get dressed, go to work or school, come home, do homework, eat dinner and go to bed. No one is there all day to notice that the bed is made. What is the point?)

By now you are thinking I am a slob. I’m actually organized and kind of tidy. But my priorities are different now. After work and school, we work on homework, throw the football, make some birthday cards, eat dinner together, play cribbage or CandyLand. We talk about our day. We commiserate and plan and laugh and drive each other crazy. We enjoy each other and appreciate being together.

And, yes, we do clean the house together. The kids are wonderful about helping because there isn’t the pressure to make everything perfect. Usually we tackle things when I know someone is about to stop by. Then I say, “Okay you guys, go into the livingroom, and if there’s any of your stuff in there, find where it lives.” Then Jenny will usually say, “Are we doing that thing where we pretend like we aren’t messy?”

If I had to suggest a housekeeping tip, it would be this: Make the decision to keep a different house, not the narcissist’s house.

Quotes — Comments Off
1
Nov 09