Posts Tagged: survive
9
Oct 09
Happiness
Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony.
Thomas Merton
9
Oct 09
Drama Is Over-Rated
Mark is here right now. He came by for another visit with the kids. They are playing Twister in the middle of our dining room. He is talking in his sing-song voice. He is talking very loudly. Maybe he talks loud because of his hearing issues. Maybe he talks loud to maintain the stage. I would rather scrape my fingernails across a chalkboard. I would just as soon slit my wrists. Instead, I am pretending to be pleasant. I am being nice so that my children can spend some time with their dad.
After these visits, I used to immediately call a girlfriend or my mom. I would need to tell someone about his weird behavior. I would need to say, “How can he be like this? How is it that he doesn’t know how to enjoy his kids? You should hear the way he talks to them. You should feel how strained the energy is in the room.” I needed to vent. I needed to hear someone say, “I don’t know how you put up with that for so long.” Basically, I needed to have my decision, to leave, validated. I needed to provide more examples and explanations to confirm that I had made the right choice.
Each time we would have one of these visits, and I would make a call to vent, I would feel my blood pressure spike. You know how that is when you get all worked up about something. Someone cuts you off in traffic, someone slights you at work, a clerk is rude to you at the grocery store and you feel your pulse begin to race. You get agitated and defensive and your blood pressure goes up. I would inevitably get myself worked up and I’d have to deal with the fallout of what that stress would do to my body. I wouldn’t sleep well. The next day I would feel a case of heartburn coming on. It wasn’t really heartburn. A doctor once told me that stress creates an excess of acid in your stomach. It sits there until it dissipates and it feels a lot like heartburn.
It got to the point where I realized that I was boring my friends with the same stories. Over and over again, the same things were happening. Nothing was any different. By now, it’s pretty obvious that I left for all the right reasons. No one needs any more convincing. I made the choice. No one else was questioning my decision. It turns out that I was the one still questioning my decision. When I came to terms with that, I could be done with the calls, the venting, the ranting and the drama. I don’t need any more convincing.
When I was done with the drama, I was done with the Pepcid. I was sleeping better. I was less volatile. I felt better. I was at peace. I was happier. I drank less red wine. I drank less coffee. Things seemed to settle down. That’s not to say that Mark was better during these visits. I am saying that I handled them better. Continue reading →
7
Oct 09
No One Believes You
A couple weeks ago the kids and I went to Starbucks for a rare treat. I saw an acquaintance that I’d not seen since I had left Mark. The fellow commented on how he hadn’t seen me in awhile, and he guessed that I was focusing on raising kids.
I explained that I was divorced, and that my circle and routine had changed.
I enjoy seeing the looks on the faces of those who are just discovering that I am divorced.
This fellow said, “On the list of unexpected news, your divorce is tops. I would have never guessed that would happen to you. You always made marriage look easy.” With coffee in hand, he walked out shaking his head.
__________ Continue reading →
5
Oct 09
The Glass is Half Full or How To Be Grateful When It Doesn’t Seem Like There’s Anything To Be Grateful For
Jenny has this cute little bead craft that she spends a lot of time with. Jenny is a typically energetic 7 year old. She loves to sing and dance to Taylor Swift, she loves to chase her brother around the house and she loves to jump on the couch. But this bead thing is her thing. Sometimes she’ll quietly spend the better part of an hour painstakingly lining up beads in colorful patterns to make butterflies, dolphins or teddy bears. I think it’s her therapy.
Mark was over yesterday. Even though he could not care less about Jenny’s bead project, he fakes interest pretty well. He puts on his sing-song voice and tries to suggest which color Jen should place next. I’m standing in the kitchen and I feel myself wince when I hear him say, “Oh Honey, it would be so much nicer if you used green there instead of blue. And if you used black there, it would make all the other colors show up better.” With each one of his well-meaning comments I can feel Jenny shrink away from him. She’s already a petite little thing, and each of his suggestions seems to make her tinier and tinier.
After Mark left, I looked over to see Jenny in a collapsed pink puddle on the couch. I walked over to the opposite chair and sat so she knew I was there and aware of how she was feeling. I didn’t say anything right away. I knew she needed to feel bad for a bit. Finally I said, “How ya doin’, Jen?” She unleashed with, “How come he never asks about me? How come he’s never interested in what I’m interested in? How come he doesn’t like the colors I pick? Why is it all about what he wants to do?” There was no point in telling her that I knew exactly how she felt. She doesn’t want to hear that. She doesn’t want me to tell her that it feels like she is invisible, or that the wind could blow right through her insides because it feels like there is nothing inside her. She doesn’t care that I let her pick the colors, that I care about her day or that I like to know the details about school and her teacher. She needs that from her dad. I can’t do that for her.
The best I can come up with is to say, “You know, Jenny, I happen to know someone who has a pretty great life even tho’ she doesn’t have a very great relationship with her dad.” “Yeah?” She’s pouting and ready to kick something by this point. “Yeah? Who’s that?” I wait for her to look at me and I say, “Me … Silly.” I give her a second to let it sink in. She looks at me and says, “Yeah? Well you’re lucky!” We both think on that for a moment and then suddenly we both burst out laughing. Even my little 7 year old could see the absurdity in that comment.
3
Oct 09
My Declaration
My mom is trying to help. She loves me and her heart is in the right place. She recommended that I pick up the book by Steve Harvey called, ‘Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man’. Am I the only woman offended by this title? I’ve admitted that my goal was to be a wife and mother, but I did not agree to erase my personality. And I wouldn’t want a guy who can’t appreciate my femaleness as much as I appreciate his maleness. Why does it seem that every popular relationship book has women adapting themselves to suit a man? I just read this article about improving your relationship by not talking about it. There’s a ton of research out there about how guys don’t like to talk about feelings and relationships, so if women want a relationship, they better talk to their girlfriends about it, not their guy. How about all the research that says women need to talk about feelings and relationships? Where are the books that say that if a guy wants a relationship, he better at least try to utter something about how he feels? Forget it. Once again, we are to adapt ourselves to them. They don’t have to, shouldn’t have to and will not adapt to us. Wouldn’t it work if there was a compromise somewhere? What if I agreed to not always have to talk feelings, and he worked on once in awhile listening and not running away from anything to do with feelings?
Here’s my declaration:
1. I will not stifle who I am to get a man. I will be emotional and enjoy all the feelings that I have. I will be wholly female and revel in it.
2. I will not change what I look like to get a man. I will like the way I look (at least most days) and know that I am looking my best. Looks never last anyway.
3. I will watch football if I want to. I will golf when I want to. I will ski as fast or as slow as I want to. I will read when I want and talk on the phone when I want and watch tv when I want and cry when I want. Continue reading →
29
Sep 09
Anything’s Possible
I had a dream last night. Don’t panic. I’m not going to bore you with the details. But this morning, I felt a sense of hope that there might really be someone out there for me.
Accommodators are a special breed. Of course I say that, because I’m an accommodator. I think we get that way from our upbringing. We don’t think people like us or love us unless we do things for them. As long as we take care of everything, then we guarantee that we will be loved. It’s easy to see how narcissists prey on accommodators. It’s a match made in heaven. Accommodators need to please/serve/give and narcissists need to receive and be served. If the accommodator manages to serve, all the while admiring and complimenting the narcissist, well that’s even better. That’s why those relationships appear to work well. From an outsider’s perspective, it seems that both partners are getting what they want. That is until the narcissist determines that the accommodator isn’t performing up to standard, isn’t giving enough, or isn’t serving quickly enough.
I have to learn that I am just as worthy of receiving as anyone else. I will still be liked even if I am not constantly doing for others. I will be liked for who I am, not just what I can do. My mom once told me that I was so accommodating that I was annoying. I always thought the world would be a nicer place if everybody was a little more accommodating. Maybe she’s right. I’m going to work on not feeling guilty about receiving. I’m going to work on graciously letting someone do for me.
So in the dream, I’d met a man who was patient with me. He didn’t treat me like an inconvenience because of my sometimes messy life with kids. He enjoyed my company. He liked me even when he was doing things for me. And in the dream, I felt appreciated, accepted and loved. In the dream, I kept looking at this man as if he might disappear. I was stunned that he would want to be with me.
He’s out there. Somewhere. I think.
23
Sep 09
Survival Tools
When I was looking for a divorce lawyer, I met with a female attorney first. I could tell from the first meeting that she didn’t like me. We just didn’t click. I didn’t hire her and went on to hire a different attorney. The first attorney did give me some valuable advice. She wisely told me that I needed to give Will and Jenny the tools they needed to learn to deal with their dad and his disorder. She made a point of making sure that I understood that I could not prevent them from seeing their dad, so I might as well arm them with the necessary coping skills.
Her statement has really stuck with me. And it applies to life in general. As much as we may want to run from situations, we only grow by learning to deal with them. Go ahead and run, but chances are, the new path you take could lead you headlong into the same mess. I have not specifically told Will and Jenny about their dad and NPD.* They are too young for that. But when they ask questions about their dad’s behavior, I take the time to explain his actions. My goal is for the kids to understand that their dad is just the way he is, and it has absolutely nothing to do with who they are, how they dress, what their interests are or anything they are doing. I do not want them laying awake at night, thinking that their dad behaves the way he does because of something they did or because of who they are.
They have managed to come up with a pretty good set of tools for heading off any disappointments or confrontations. They have learned which buttons to avoid pushing. It has all been trial and error. Act this way, and this is what you get. Act a different way and you can expect this. Kids are intelligent. They understand cause and effect. If something is painful, they’ll do their best to avoid it.
Mark stopped by for a visit yesterday. Just before he had gotten here, Jenny had been rubbing her eye. Her eye was irritated and red. When I asked her if she was going to go out and say hi to her dad, she said, “Mom, if he sees that my eye is red, he’s going to treat me like a baby. I’m not going out there.” (Mark still believes that Jenny is the last holdout for any sourcing of his narcissism. He treats her like a baby with the hope that she will always be his admiring little girl. He does not empathize with the fact that seven year old girls cannot stand to be treated like babies.) I laughingly suggested that she wear my sunglasses, and expected that she wouldn’t take me up on the offer. Surely, wearing big sunglasses would get more adverse attention than a red eye. She took me up on the offer. She pranced around the front yard in huge sunglasses, and she never took them off. Being the true narcissist that he is, he didn’t even notice the sunglasses or the red eye. It ended up being fun for Jenny, and she avoided being treated like the baby.
Will and Jenny have gotten pretty clever at coming up with different tools. I help them to be confident with who they are. They come up with the tools and coping mechanisms on their own. And just like with everything else in life, the lessons we learn on our own are the ones that stick. They will both come out of this with some pretty extensive tool chests. Those tools should serve them both well in all their different relationships. Continue reading →
21
Sep 09
The Challenge To Change
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
Victor Frankl
21
Sep 09
Forgiveness
I have one of those screensavers on my laptop that displays all the photos in My Pictures. I still have all the photos from when we lived with Mark. Others have commented that it’s a little odd that I haven’t removed them. That screensaver provides a lot of entertainment for Will and Jenny. It’s like having a whole bunch of photo albums at their fingertips. Their dad is still a huge part of their lives and they get a great deal of enjoyment out of the photos.
If it pains me to see pictures of Mark, then I haven’t moved on.
The other day I walked by the laptop and saw a nice photo of Mark with one of the kids. I thought how sad it is that he misses out on the day-to-day stuff with Will and Jen. As an accommodator, it is easy to lose sleep over stuff like that. That’s why it took me so long to leave.
I felt sorry for Mark over many issues. I felt sorry for him because of his upbringing. I felt sorry for him because of the distance between himself and the rest of his family. Was I going to feel sorry for him for the rest of my life? Naturally, there was a point when I was too mad to feel sorry. But mostly, it is sad that NPD prevents him from really knowing his kids. NPD prevents him from having any healthy relationships.
There is so much written about forgiveness. We’ve heard it all about how the only one who is hurt when you hold a grudge is yourself. Continue reading →
19
Sep 09
It’s Just Stuff
I broke my favorite tea cup last night. It wasn’t an heirloom. I bought it at Ikea for $6. Tea tasted really good in that cup.
Coffee should be slurped from mugs. Tea should be sipped from thin cups.
Even my kids knew that I always made tea in that white cup. When it hit the floor and broke into pieces, Jenny immediately offered to glue it back together for me. I explained that it wasn’t a big deal. I have other cups. Will said, “Mom, I’ll buy you a new one.” They both got worked up about my tea cup.
Strangely, if their own stuff breaks or gets misplaced, they are both pretty non-chalant.
We have a favorite saying around here. When we have turned the house upside down looking for something, one of us will chime in with, “It’ll turn up.” I’m not sure why they were upset about my cup. As I write this, I wonder if they are thinking that I am as fragile as that tea cup. Continue reading →
9
Sep 09
Survival Through Humor
I had a minor meltdown this morning. I locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the ceiling fan, and cried. We had been scurrying to get ready for school and work – the usual weekday morning mayhem. There wasn’t anything unusual about this morning. You never know when you’ve approached the end of your rope. At least I never know. I was brushing my teeth and the bathroom sink wouldn’t drain, and I lost it.
It’s not a big deal, I’ve fixed the drain before. Some days I just cannot handle one more thing.
This was not the plan. I was supposed to be happily married, raising two beautiful kids. I didn’t sign up to be both mom and dad.
Most days I wouldn’t trade this new life for anything. Most days I can take it all in stride. But, some days I am tired and feel like I can’t handle one more chore or one more demand. As difficult as it can be, it is worlds away from my old life.
Now when I flop on the bed at the end of the day, my exhaustion comes from attempting to cross things off of my list. When I decide to be done for the day, I don’t have someone expecting more from me. The hamster in the spinning wheel is pretty content when she’s in control of her own wheel. How happy is that hamster when someone else is doing the spinning? Continue reading →
4
Sep 09
Individual Moments of Peace
This evening I sat for a spell on my front porch. We are enjoying the last few days of our summer, and today was particularly gorgeous. I see an image of me hanging from the letter r in the word summer, by my fingernails. I can’t let go of summer quite yet, there’s still a bit of juice left.
I was perched on the porch, feeling like I was suspended above myself.
Not a religious or zen thing, but a brief moment of stillness.
Those still moments can feel familiar, and foreign, all at the same time.
The temperature was perfect. Continue reading →
