When the ego is forced to choosebetween happiness and victimhood,
it will always choose being the victim. – James Twyman
Posts Tagged: survive
27
Nov 12
When Kindred Spirits Have Coffee
“I can’t believe we haven’t really talked since before we were both married.”
“… and divorced.”
“Yeah. That, too. So how are you doing with it all… the being divorced?”
“Well, I’m sleeping. I’m eating. My stomach doesn’t hurt all the time. I’m not afraid to get out of bed in the morning. How are you feeling?”
“Same for me. I’m not waking in the middle of the night with panic attacks. For the first time since… oh…. probably when I was newly married, I look forward to things.” Continue reading →
16
Nov 12
When Your Best Friend is a Narcissist
Guest Post by Anonymous
At the age of 12, she didn’t know why she cared so much about her friend, the one who was a notorious mean girl. The one who played the games that mean girls do… She didn’t understand why that friend mattered so much to her, even more than those she had known forever, even more than the ones who had proven themselves to be kind, caring girls….
She didn’t understand until nearly a quarter of a century later why that person seemed “right” – seemed familiar…. In the two years before she ended the friendship with her narcissistic friend, she often questioned herself, “Why do I even care so much about someone I don’t respect, someone that has hurt me so many times?”
She didn’t put two and two together, that the friend who called her names and ignored her, was a lot like her dad, who shamed her and ignored her. Continue reading →
9
Nov 12
What is Said and What is Heard
He said: Your face looks full with that haircut.
She heard: Your face looks fat; I hate your haircut.
She said: That looks pretty good, but you should have done it this way.
He heard: That looks pretty good, BUT …
They said: Are you sure it’s a good idea to homeschool the kids?
She heard: You’re going to ruin them for life.
He said: I can’t live like this anymore.
She heard: Do things my way or I’m out of here.
He said: I don’t care what we do, you decide.
She heard: I don’t enjoy spending time with you enough to make the effort to decide.
She said: I don’t care what we do, you decide.
He heard: It’s okay if you spend the evening with friends; I won’t be mad if you don’t come home.
He said: That’s okay, bud, I’ll have the shop wax my skis.
He heard: You aren’t capable of waxing my skis.
He said: Maybe you shouldn’t be so sensitive.
She heard: If you didn’t get your feelings hurt so easily, I wouldn’t have to be careful about what I say.
They said: You should write blog posts that are this long, on this many days with these kinds of headings.
She heard: You are doing it all wrong.
He said: I like it better when you do it this way.
She heard: I don’t like you the way you are.
She said: I heard you, but we are doing it my way.
He heard: Don’t bother telling me what you want because I’m not listening anyway.
She said: Pack your bags, we’re going to stay at grandma’s.
They heard: We are going to live with people who let us be who we are.
They said: Love you.
She heard: Love you.
18
Oct 12
The Tyranny of Narcissism
Guest Post by Zaira
Tyranny is unjust, harsh, oppressive, and abusive, but most importantly, it lacks legitimacy. This describes my marriage and continues to be my experience with the Narcissist. If you have been involved with a narcissist, I am sure you can relate to counting the days until you are completely free to cut all communications.
I am hoping to survive the next 8 years and 4 months without going completely broke or found guilty in contempt of court. He has promised both of these gifts to me.
There was a time, shortly after I left him, that he tried to convince me that we could work it out. Every poem, flower delivery, and byline of “I love you” made my stomach cringe. I recognized that person from a distant memory – the one who wooed and impressed me so long ago. The harder he tried, the worse the nausea got. There was something punching me from the inside screaming to be strong and end it. It knew he was lying then. I knew he was lying then… playing a part to save face. Now I am reminded often that I was right.
Here is a snippet of what I receive now in my Inbox:
“An interesting email, however you sound like a bad campaign speech. You have not answered a single question and spout unfounded accusations.” Continue reading →
16
Oct 12
Mission Impossible: Relationship With a Narcissist
You could make a conscious choice to give up on pursuing your dreams, your goals and your passions.
You could end relationships with best friends from college, family members and the women in your book club.
You could always eat at her favorite restaurant, wear your hair the way he likes, decorate your house to please her, cook only his favorite meals, and forget that you ever had preferences of your own.
You could have conversations where you do all the listening and never get to speak of what is on your mind or in your heart.
7
Oct 12
A Ripple of Light
She sits in the glow of the computer screen, wringing her hands. It’s late – kids are in bed. She’d put her fingers on the home row and type, but she doesn’t know what to say.
She doesn’t know how to help.
She reads their words and feels their anguish. She senses the tightness in their chests. She hears the worries that keep them from sleep.
The instinct to want to protect their babies runs deep.
There is power in their anger. The strength required to control their anger makes them far stronger than most. Continue reading →
2
Oct 12
What Change Feels Like
Change feels like the steady slow creep to the crest of the roller coaster hill, the brief pause before the crazy descent and the exhilaration that comes from having the guts to go, without the throwing up after.
Change feels like the warmth coming from the wood stove after splitting and stacking the wood and cleaning the chimney – the warmth that comes from self-sufficiency and independence.
Change feels like that pair of jeans that fits your figure and makes you feel good about yourself, even if there are parts of you that you’d just as soon forget about.
Change feels like the time you had the courage to raise your hand because you knew the answer, having been called on, and being right.
Change feels like knowing something – down to your bones: the directions to your brother’s house in a city you visit once a year; the memorized recipe for brownies you make from scratch when that craving for chocolaty decadence takes over; the friend you can call at whatever hour because you both are always there for each other. Continue reading →
19
Sep 12
Narcissists Need to Criticize
“You should have used a brush instead of spray paint.”
“Honey, that’s not what a horse looks like. Let me show you how to draw a horse correctly. And shouldn’t the trees have green leaves instead of purple?”
“The rice needs more soy, but other than that it’s decent.”
“I know you are the one with the degree in marketing, but is that the correct font for that mailer?”
“Let me proofread that. You usually miss something.” Continue reading →
8
Sep 12
De-Stress
is our ability to choose one thought over another. -William James
28
Aug 12
The Narcissism Survivor’s Tool Box
Braced against the sheer, shaley side of a ravine, holding the handle bar of his bike, he yelled, “Dad! Dad, I need help here. I’m about to lose my bike! Dad! Help!” He was torn between letting his bike fall to the 15 foot pool at the base of the ravine, or worse, falling with his bike.
He was able to reach his water bottle. After taking a sip, he tried to yell again, but he couldn’t get his dad’s attention. He would have to hang on longer.
He waited, balanced on the brink, wondering why he’d agreed to go on another one of these all-day adventures.
The adventures had gotten better now that he was older, but he still ended up with an upset stomach from the exposure and risk that his dad took for granted.
24
Aug 12
On Being The Windshield
Sometimes your the windshield,
Sometimes your the bug. -The Bug Lyrics
Mary Chapin Carpenter
Sometimes your the bug. -The Bug Lyrics
Mary Chapin Carpenter
A month ago, we told Mark that his scheduled visits weren’t working for us.
He had been the one to print the calendars and assign the visit days and hours per visit. He delivered the calendars sometimes two months in advance and, in most cases, refused to be flexible saying, “The calendar was printed two months ago. The kids know the schedule. There will be no changes or cancellations.”
Life doesn’t work that way – especially with curious, creative, active young people.
Cousins come to town and want to spend every waking – heck, even the sleeping – moment with cousins they see only once a year.
Friends call with invites to fish or solve mysteries or paint or golf or just hang out all day without plans. Continue reading →
15
Aug 12
Surviving Nicely – 3
The third anniversary of this blog quietly came and went.
__________
I harvested pales of fresh raspberries and discussed freezer jam recipes.
I collected rocks with Jen and counted the different types of butterflies that landed on the wildflowers beside the cabin. We lost track of the count when we spied two frogs in a rain puddle.
I took pictures of a grinning Will and the trout he was catching. Continue reading →
