The Guy With The Alex de Grassi Album

I’m tired of reading about how women don’t like the nice guys.  I know they are out there.  I’d like to like one, I just don’t know how to act around a nice guy.

My imprinting didn’t include any instructions on what to do when a guy is nice.

I was telling someone the other day that I do real well opening up if I’m not worried about whether I’m liked or not.  But if I’m in a relationship, and I’m asked personal stuff, I hesitate to reveal much because he might hear something he doesn’t like.  And then where would that leave me?  There’s too much at stake.

I didn’t say that any of this would make sense.


There was the guy in college who drove all the way from Missoula to Bozeman to bring me the Alex de Grassi album.  I was stunned that he would go to such great lengths.  He had listened when I said I liked de Grassi, and he acted on it.  He made this grand gesture of delivering what he knew I’d love.  And then I panicked.  I didn’t know what to do with this guy.  My lizard brain kept flipping her little map over, turning it upside down, then right side up, in an effort to get her bearings.  She looked at the map from different angles.  I could almost see the confusion on her scaly little lizard face.

My lizard brain didn’t have a clue what to do when a guy was genuinely nice. This was uncharted territory, and I was uncomfortable.  Beyond saying, “Thank you,” I didn’t quite know how to respond.  Of course, my fumbling and awkwardness sent a pretty clear signal to Alex de Grassi Guy.  I didn’t get but a couple more long distance phone calls after that.


It’s true when I say that I don’t seek out narcissists or guys who are emotionally unavailable.  I’ve met some genuinely nice, thoughtful, considerate, interesting guys.  I just didn’t know what to do with ’em.  And that’s why I hate that thing about women not liking the nice guys.  It’s not our fault.  Our lizard brains won’t let us.

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  1. It’s the same for us guys too you know. The harder we try the less attractive we become. It’s important to be yourself!

  2. Hi Craig,

    Thanks for writing. It’s great to hear a guy’s perspective.

    It’s not easy for any of us, but I gotta think it’s pretty wonderful if/when we get it right.

  3. In my comment on “Lizard Brain” I know I was talking “people” generically. And our subject here is building a healthy relationship with a man. Think of the “worry about whether he’ll like you” as a hurdle on the new brain pathway you’re trying to build. That kind of hurdle always gives me huge butterflies in the stomach. My mouth dries up. It’s really hard not to let Mr. LB take over. But. If you’re truly determined to build a new path, you have to get over that hurdle. Maybe think of Mr. Will-He-Like-Me as the veggie guy at the grocery store. Fake it a few times till you have a chance to see what his response will be. I’m sure it’ll be “seratonin coming right up, ma’am,” helping you build that new pathway.

    You’ve already done a lot of hard things. You can do this one.

  4. Yet another ‘a-ha’ moment. It’s a heckuva lot better to find out he doesn’t like me in the beginning, than down the road, after I’ve invested my heart, introduced my kids, and mailed in my change of address cards.

  5. It’s the fear of the unknown and the ultimate fear of getting your heart broken. Besides that, guys fear commitment. If you reveal too much, will they run the other way? Totally understand the feeling. You are very lucky to still have your kids at home, it’s not like being totally alone and wondering what next. Although kids make getting out a little harder.

  6. I’m fine being home with the kids. I’m too afraid to get back out there.

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