21
Jan 17

Why I Didn’t March

Have you ever stood outside a narcissist’s man cave yelling at him that it’s time he helped with the laundry and took a turn at entertaining the kids, only to be told that that is woman’s work?

Have you stood in front of a narcissist, hands on your hips, telling him that you will no longer be ignored and that it’s time that your dreams were made a priority, too, only to hear him say, “But if you focus on my dreams, we’ll both be happy.”

Have you written the letter that says, “I’m done!  I will not live like this anymore!  For my sake, and for the good of this family, things have to change around this place,” and he responds with, “Geez, settle down.  Did you forget to eat breakfast again?”

 

Has screaming, yelling and demanding attention ever worked with a narcissist? Continue reading →


15
Jan 17

Oh! The Feelings!

oh the feelings“So you know, since your classes are at night, we won’t be having dinner together.”

“Yeah.  I guess that’s right.”

He’s organizing his papers and looking at his new schedule.  Many pieces have fallen into place to bring him to this point.  It has been hectic around here.  He’s starting this school sooner than we had expected, and we haven’t considered all the ramifications.  I know it hasn’t occurred to him that we won’t be having dinner together.  He’s the one who wanted to take his classes at night.  He’s a night owl.  This is perfect.

It’s dumb that I bring up the dinner thing, but it had just dawned on me.  Dinner has always been a big deal to me.  As much as I may not want to cook some nights, I love that time of the day when everything that can be done is done, and we can eat dinner and “hit relax mode.”

He zips up his backpack and says, “How are we going to do dinners?” Continue reading →


03
Jan 17

The Pep Talk

pep-talkI winced when I heard the door slam on 2016, and I’m the one who slammed it so hard.

Three days into this new year and I’m still wincing.  I’m apprehensive, unsteady, exhausted and excited – all at the same time.   The holidays took over kicking my butt, where 2016 left off.  I spent so much time talking about being glad 2016 was over, that I’m nervous about that energy following me into 2017.  You know what they say, “Whatever you talk about, you attract.”

I read a “motivational” post the other day that pointed out that all that complaining about 2016 is misdirected.  The writer went on to say that we ought to be reevaluating the choices made in 2016 that led to the messes, and make damn sure to point ourselves in a new direction.

That hurt a bit when I read that.  So all that was my fault?  Really?  Don’t tell me to pull up my big girl pants.  I hate that expression.  As a single mom, I’ve been the one wearing the pants since day one.

But it’s true.  It is my fault.  I made the choices.  I created that gigantic mess. Continue reading →


11
Dec 16

Why Is The Narcissist Being Nice?

mouse-trap“Why is the narcissist being nice?”

Every month, people land on this blog with that search question.

Think of the narcissist as if he went about setting a mouse trap.  You are the mouse.

Nice is giving the mouse a plump piece of cheddar cheese, all the while knowing that the goal is to catch/kill the mouse.  The mouse can’t help herself.  She loves the treat.  No matter how many times she sees sharp cheddar on that wooden plate, she forgets that the plate is a trap.  Once in awhile, she’s savvy enough to get the cheese off the plate, without getting caught.  We all know, though, that the mouse isn’t always that lucky.

The narcissist is setting a trap when he is being nice.  He hopes you will forget that he’s setting a trap.  The cheese might be diamonds or dinners or promises of good behavior.  He might set the trap with organic peanut butter, just to change things up a bit, but he’s still setting a trap. Continue reading →


26
Nov 16

I See You Introverting

She gets there as soon as the ice is free for open skating.  She’s quick to tie her laces and get out there.  This gives her time, even before the loud music starts, to skate a couple laps before the crowd starts filtering in.

I watch her glide.  I can hear her blades every now and then.  The sound brings us both to the moment.   I notice thoughts of yesterday drifting from my brain.  I assume they are headed for the car.  My brain tries to coerce me into thinking about what to make for dinner.  I ignore it.  I feel my hand wanting to reach for my phone and I resist.

I imagine she has, by now, trained her mind to focus on what her legs and arms are doing.  She’s graceful in the skating.  Her arms are relaxed.  Her face appears calm, with a hint of a smile – eyes trained ahead.

The quiet is blissful, even if for only a few precious minutes.

  Continue reading →


13
Nov 16

The INFJ and the Pomegranate

the-infj-and-the-pomegranateMy mom tells the story like this:

You were in 5th or 6th grade and I’d just gotten home from work.  I was putting dinner together and asked, “How was your day, honey?”

“It was okay.”

“How was recess?”

“Recess was crazy.  All the kids were chasing each other and running all over the playground.” Continue reading →


04
Nov 16

Barriers to Thriving

creatively-thrivingThis post was to be about how creativity goes through the roof once you remove the barriers to thriving.  Get in a good mood and just watch what you’ll create!

I was going to tell you that I’ve been working on removing barriers.  I have noticed that good (thriving) feeling returning, and I planned to give you a secret for removing barriers that might keep you from thriving.

But that’s silly because one person’s barrier is another person’s bump in the road.  I can only share my experience and hope it helps you in some way.

 

Creativity is a direct path to thriving.  If we can stop the harmful self-talk and just make stuff, we’ll get to a better feeling place.  The connection between creativity and thriving is undeniable.  Thriving leads to creativity, and creativity leads to thriving.  Get to one, and the other naturally follows. Continue reading →


20
Oct 16

On Ease and Intuition

jackofclubsThe other night we were watching David Blaine on Netflix.  I’m not into magic, but I was humoring Will.  It was good, except my overthinking brain churns on trying to figure out the tricks.  In one segment, Blaine approached a fellow and said, “Pick a card.”  A Jack of Clubs popped into my head.  Before I could say, “You guys, it’s a Jack of Clubs,” the fellow on the TV said, “Jack of Clubs.”  I told the kids and they were less than surprised, because that stuff happens all the time around here.

We can’t turn on the car radio without one of them saying, “I woke up with that song on my mind, and there it is.  They never play that one.”  Or, “Hey, I was just thinking about so-and-so and they left a message on my voicemail.”

(Doesn’t mean I don’t love you if I don’t pick up when you call.  INFJ, remember?)

Or Jen says, “Hey, we should go to Cafe Rio tonight,” and Will blurts out, “I was just gonna say that!”  We do spend a lot of time together, but that doesn’t explain all of these incidences.  We’re not reading each other’s minds just because we are always together.  Besides, the older Will gets, the less I’m able to read his mind.

Intuition is a big deal to all three of us.  It drives our passions.  Intuition tells Will where the fishing will be better.  Intuition guides Jen as she creates figures out of sculpey.  As an INFJ, I’m hard-pressed to think of anything that can’t be enhanced, improved or avoided if I’ve been paying attention to my intuition. Continue reading →


04
Oct 16

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 14

montana-moonIf you’ve read this far, and you aren’t an INFJ ….

Let’s be real.  The only reason you’d read this if you aren’t an INFJ is because you are my mom or my aunt.  We know that narcissists wouldn’t read this series, so we’ll rule them out.

If anyone other than an INFJ stumbled upon this series, they’d be saying, “What were you thinking?  Why did you put up with that?  Why didn’t you leave sooner?  Hell!  Why did you marry him to begin with?  Maybe you are the one with the problems.  YOU are the one with the issues.  Why would you lose yourself in a relationship like that?”

To the INFJs reading this, I don’t need to explain.  You know why I stayed as long as I did.

You, dear INFJ, are here to find some sort of compassion or understanding or an explanation.  You want to know that you aren’t the only person (please stop calling yourself a fool) who would put up with so much bullshit.  You want to believe that there are people out there who care about relationships as deeply as you do. Continue reading →


24
Sep 16

Signs of Thriving

signs-of-thrivingSix years ago, when on a road trip, we had stopped for treats and Will took a good 15 minutes to decide between types of beef jerky.   (How different can they be?)  Jen and I would have used the restroom, gotten our drinks and goodies, and stood by the car watching the sun setting while he was still trying to make a choice.

I remember thinking I’ve got to help that kid learn how to choose without worrying about making a mistake.  He’d grown accustomed to having his choices doubted and questioned.  He’d pick a blue t-shirt and his dad would say, “Why did you pick that color.  You should pick green.”  He would order a coke, and his dad would say, “No! You are having lemonade.”

Will had a history of making “bad” choices, as far as his dad was concerned, so any time he was faced with making a decision, he was paralyzed.  Even if his dad wasn’t there.

Now, when Will drives up to a convenience store, he’s in and out faster than I am.  And when it comes to making the big choices, like his first rifle or a pair of skis, he does his homework.  He looks at reviews online. He asks for the opinions of others.  He’ll search out a clerk at the store and pummel him with questions.  When he feels confident with his choice – and he does – he proceeds.

It’s a beautiful thing to see. Continue reading →


10
Sep 16

On Guideposts and Eggplant

I recently pinned a photo of a darling little girl with a quote:  “I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life, they have shown me exactly who I do not want to be.”  I can’t quit thinking about it.  On the one hand, it doesn’t feel good to label someone a “difficult” person.  Heck, I’m a difficult person, or so I’ve been told, and being called difficult does not feel good.  On the other hand, I struggle with trying to figure out why I click with some and can not click with others, and calling them difficult gets me off the hook.  (Why do I waste so much energy worrying about not clicking with someone? –> Lizard brain.)

None of us clicks with everyone, and that’s a blessing.  How much time would any of us have if we didn’t naturally filter out some people in order to have more energy to focus on others?

But I liked the pin, and I really liked her dimples.  After seeing the message, I realized that I spend too much time trying to figure out why I don’t get on with some.   Are they a mirror to me?  Are they reflecting back to me the stuff I need to be working on?  Are they in my life to teach me some new lesson?  Could it be that I am the teacher?  Gawd! For their sake, I hope I’m not their teacher.

What does it mean that I don’t click with this person?

The pin told me, “You don’t need to dwell on it.  You don’t need to figure it out.  You don’t have to understand why you don’t get along.  It doesn’t have to mean that there is something wrong with you, or with them.  The pin is telling you, ‘Don’t go there.  Don’t be that.  That isn’t meant for you.'” Continue reading →


05
Sep 16

When An HSP Goes No Contact

clinging to summerWhen an HSP goes No Contact, it will take some time for calm to seep back in to daily life. Many things that had been a struggle – things that didn’t need to be – become easy again.

Once you’ve gone No Contact, the first time you go to a restaurant, you’ll relax with the realization that you won’t feel the need to catch the waiter’s eye to express a silent apology for the inexcusable way he was treated. Remember how you would wince when the wait staff approached the table? Would your dinner date be friendly, or dismissive? Would she talk down to the waiter, or would he flirt with the waitress?

Even for an HSP, going out in public will be easier now that you don’t have to try to anticipate your partner’s mood.

 

Pins and needles will find their rightful places in craft projects. You won’t be walking on them any more. Continue reading →


24
Aug 16

The Good News

the good newsIf you have children with a narcissist, you’ve probably read up on how to co-parent with one.

I won’t go into what that looks like, other than to say that an adult with the maturity of a six year old doesn’t have any interest in parenting.

 

Jen recently turned 14.  Somewhere during the day she was heard saying, “Four more years.  Four more years until I don’t have to spend my birthdays with him.”

Will turns 18 in less than a month.  You can probably imagine who will NOT be invited to Will’s party this year. Continue reading →


19
Aug 16

When Everything is Fine

fine china“How are you?”

“I’m fine.  And you?”

“No, really.  How are you?”

“I’m fine.  Really.”

“But you don’t sound fine.” Continue reading →


11
Aug 16

Cat with Hydrangeas

cat with hydrangeasShe was sitting in the window and I thought, “See that? That looks like one of those photos on Pinterest.”  You’ve seen them.  They’re all over the internet.  Those pics seem to promise a serene life with steaming cups of tea, stacks of good books, four uninterrupted hours of alone time, and a guarantee of enlightenment through stolen moments of self care.

At least that’s what I think they promise.

 

I assume the people who take those kinds of pictures have all the time in the world to scout around and look for the perfect photo opportunities.  They don’t have to waste precious minutes picking up after their messes.

The Quintessential Pinterest Pinner doesn’t have to file a change of address form for the second time in a year, or sift through her storage unit looking for ice skates or home school supplies or a box of embroidery floss. Continue reading →