You and I – A Glimpse at a Healthy Relationship Beyond Narcissism

you and iGuest Post by Zaira

 

You and I

You may never know how deeply I was affected when you came through the door at 7 a.m.  Then you crawled in my bed, noting I hadn’t slept, and held me tight.  You told me you couldn’t live without me, that you will always love me – your best friend.

You may never realize how you opened up your soul this morning or how much trust it takes to do that.  Or maybe you do.  Maybe that is the problem.  I can’t give you everything, but I can give you a lot.  A lot that your heart needs.

You may never know how much it took for me to write that text.  The one that said not to call me today.  The one that I wrote not knowing what you would do when you got it.  The scary one.

You may never realize how much I appreciate you kissing my tears away when you don’t know what to do and how it is the perfect response.  How much I need your honesty. Your unconditional love.  Love that I haven’t had before.  Love that can’t exist with a narcissist.

You and I may not be perfect. We may be indecisive, impulsive, and unsure. Our feelings are difficult and unmanageable at times.  But this love and friendship we built is one thing we did right… you and I.

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16 comments

  1. Z,

    This gives me hope.

    That I might be seen and accepted for the person I am.

  2. He certainly has raised the bar to new heights. I am not sure anyone else can match it.

    You deserve unconditional love. We all do. I think sometimes we don’t allow ourselves to see it or accept it.

    When I met him, I honestly did not know how he could ever fit into my life full time. We lived a little over an hour away on opposite sides of the city. I had no intentions on moving. I didn’t want someone else to parent my kids. I was just having fun as it was not long after the separation. He was so generous and never expected anything in return, but I gave him my time. Time showed me how similar we are and how much I could rely on him without ever feeling guilty. Time slowly grew love and a deep appreciation for one another. As I trusted myself more, I shared more and left it without contingency. He pursued me, but I said I love you first…and didn’t expect to get it back. It was a long time before he said it, but I said it only when I felt it and only when I was ok without a response. He is my guinea pig and doesn’t even know it. Lol! He has given me more than he can ever realize by allowing me to be myself and accepting me as I am. May we all have this, even just for a little while…

  3. Z,

    I am happy for you to find this kind of depth in a relationship – to be yourself, be seen and be completely accepted. I notice you didn’t use the word expectation, nor does it sound like either of you had any. Maybe that is a key part to making it work so well?

  4. p.s. I reread my comment – “That gives me hope.” My brain filled with this image of me sitting home by the fire, wringing my hands, waiting for prince charming to knock at my door. He would see me and wrap his arms around me and sweep me away. Then he’d go on to prove to me, with his every breath, that he accepts me for who I am, and profess his undying love.

    *Chick flick fantasy rears it’s pretty/ugly head.*

    That’s not what I am doing.

    To set the record straight (if that record even needs to be set straight…) I’m contentedly working on seeing myself and accepting myself. I’m working on making myself a priority – ahem, not in the way a narcissist does.

    This is the first time I’ve felt like I can honestly say that I’m very content to not be trying to be happy in a relationship.

    When I said, “That gives me hope” what I meant was… I’m so thrilled/relieved/encouraged to hear of examples of healthy relationships that don’t end in an imbalance of unmet needs, failure to communicate and a total lack of interest in this person that you said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

  5. Funny story: One girl he dated for a couple of months had him meet all her friends/family and they all said in front of him, “I think he’s the ONE.” He said he kept thinking, “Nope, not me!!!” LOL!

    He told me once a long time ago that he thinks we lasted so long because I don’t expect anything from him. We went about it all very slow and I couldn’t have it any other way because I was still trying to figure myself out. I am also a day to day kind of person and not so much the life planner, which makes it easy for me to leave things open ended. I believe that things happen for a reason and our journeys are a meaningful sequence. I also think that by eliminating the expectations, we were able to see each other uniquely and not categorically as a “wife”, “husband” or “life partner”.

  6. I knew exactly what you meant. :)
    And for the record… I didn’t once think you were pining beside the fireplace boo hooing over chick flicks.

    Even if you were, it would be ok. Not everyone is like me. Some pity my “pessimistic” attitude about relationships and don’t understand how I can dismiss considering someone for the rest of my life. However, I don’t think it’s pessimistic. I think it is realistic, but more importantly, it is my view. And as long as I can live by my views and decide what’s best for me, that’s all that matters. Maybe some day my view will change and my life will too. But for now…

  7. Funny,

    I walked away from the computer wondering if what I’d written sounded pessimistic, and then I said to myself, “Hell NO! That’s realistic.”

    Once again, I find myself thinking that you must be my sister from another mother. ;)

  8. Maybe we are true doppelgangers???

  9. Ha! Can the world handle two of us!?!

  10. Maybe that is why we ended up on opposite coasts? lol! Mother Nature’s method of balance? :D

  11. Finding this now is serendipity. It was good to read it again as we move our relationship into a friend only zone. It has to be, but weirdly, it is ok. Maybe we just needed to be friends all along. The sweet with the bittersweet…

    Maybe I am ready for some expectations…

  12. Z,

    oh… Sorry things didn’t turn into what they might have. The journey never gets boring, does it? ;)

    The friend only zone? How does that work? Does that work?

    New expectations? That sounds enticing…

  13. I don’t know if it works or not. It’s strange, but familiar. And perhaps ok for the moment? I never know. In the end, it will fade. That is all I am sure of.

    Right now I am enjoying my time at home doing everything and nothing at all. Sometimes pondering over what could be, but not worrying about it. It’s time for reflection and renewal. I love that. X

  14. Z,

    I like the not worrying part. And I really like the reflection and renewal part.

    If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said, “It is what it is,” in the last year, I’d have enough dollars to fly out and take you for a beer.

  15. One of these days… I will get to give you a big hug in person. And buy you a beer or two…

  16. Z,

    Life is much sweeter when we have good things to look forward to.

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