I’ve been making a lot of choices and decisions that will ultimately lead to less stress in our lives. I hope. It’s too soon to tell, but most days it feels like we’re heading in the right direction. And here’s the weird thing about eliminating stressors — it’s stressful. I’m serious. Tonight I was manically walking through the kitchen ticking off this checklist in my head. Dinner – done. Kitchen – done. Laundry – done. Christmas decorations put away – done. (Told you I was a scrooge, didn’t I?) Bills – done. And instead of feeling like I had earned the right to head to the couch with a cup of tea and a magazine, I found myself pacing back and forth and feeling agitated. I was supposed to be busy. There should have been something else on the list. I felt guilty for being done early. I couldn’t justify couch time because certainly there was more that I should be doing.
What is the correct age for deciding that we’ve earned the right to relax? Do I have some kind of character flaw if I give myself permission to sit and read? Do we have to have a certain amount in the bank before we can give ourselves time to relax? We allow ourselves vacations, but how many of us have an even longer to-do list for vacation?
I remember the mom at school that was waiting for the bell to ring so she could shuttle her kids to soccer and piano lessons. She was sitting and reading a novel. We had 15 minutes before the bell was going to ring. I was helping Jenny with homework. Another mom walked by and said hello to the mom with the novel. They both exchanged exhausted “hellos” and apologized for not calling and explained how ridiculously busy they were. All this while the first mom held a novel in her hands. Why couldn’t the first mom say, “Isn’t this great? I’ve 15 whole minutes to enjoy this wonderful book before we run around like maniacs.” But if she were to admit that, then she must not be a very good mom. Because really good moms go all day long, without any breaks, without any time-outs, until they crash at the finish line. And guess what our kids think? They grow up to think that they have to go all day long, too. They grow up to think that they can’t sit and read or play cards or do absolutely nothing.
Mark was here tonight. No wonder I was pacing in the kitchen. I still have these voices in my head that say, “Don’t pour a glass of wine in front of him. Don’t let him see you sit down. Pick up the stuff in the living room. Get dinner on the table soon.” Heck, it’s not even like he was staying for dinner. Just what does it take to get those darned voices out of my head? He was playing Twister with Jenny, and I had to skirt around him to get to the other side. (In case you may be wondering if Mark is coming around and actually engaging with Jenny, you must know that he barely made it through one round.) As I made my way across the room, I really looked at him, and I was hit with a wave (make that a tsunami) of relief. And I thought to myself, “I am going to sit on my butt, watch T.V., read and have a glass of wine, and you can’t stop me. So there.”
Now that would be a great New Year’s Resolution: More Couch Time with Less Guilt. I’ve earned it.
Tags: child of narcissist, divorce, humor, life, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, proactive, survive
Here! Here! More couch time with less guilt sounds like a wonderful idea! So does banning the word “should.” I used to know a woman who’d say “there is no should.” She was right… and life is lovely without it. :-)
I used to see a motivational speaker who would say to not ‘should’ on yourself….Im sure you can figure out what he meant, because its about the same thing!
Oh, what the heck, another comment: I liken being around a narcissist to having your soul being pecked apart. We then, as part of our healing process, find all these little parts and put them back together.
I believe that an experience like that also causes post traumatic stress disorder, where your nerves are not firing the way that they were built to, but instead most everything seems like a threat on some level. You’re in overwhelm a lot of the time, scream when startled (I do), and are probably depressed with low-self esteem.
Im not surprised that initially you felt like you had to tiptoe around and not draw attention to yourself. But when you had your tsunami moment….THAT is when you know you are healing. Congratulations!
I saw my son being pecked at repeatedly. My step dad once told me that he was concerned that Will would be pecked apart until there was nothing left. A chicken doesn’t often seem that threatening, but left to their own devices, and they will peck until whatever they have is gone. That’s why I left when I did. It wasn’t until after I left that I realized how much of me had been pecked apart.
My grandmother did it, my mom did it, I do it, can’t be seen sitting, must be doing something, anything… Did I inherit this gene? The feeling guilty if one is sitting, relaxing? Oh then marry a narcissist and compound that feeling by a thousand! Get the evil eye if I am not bustling around. He can lay on the couch, as I struggle with loads of groceries from the garage, he can sit with the feet up, drinking a beer, while I am running like a fool getting dinner on. He can go skiing, days on end, while I have to stay home and watch the new dog. This new year I want a feeling of entitlement also… not just on my birthday…
Annie, go look in the mirror and see the strength and resolve behind your eyes.
Jesse