I’m looking out on the pond. The tall grasses framing the pond barely sway. The butterflies dance from the tips of the grasses and occasionally dip to skim the surface of the water. The pond is so calm it is difficult to discern where the grass meets its reflection. The quiet is heavy in a comforting, secure way. I feel safe and serene and untouchable.
The kids are content. There are frogs to catch and fish to fry. The dog begs to play. The forest beckons to be explored.
All of this won’t last. We will have to go home.
I foolishly believed that by divorcing Mark, I’d be able to escape his bizarre treatment. I thought the kids would be spared his picking and annexing.
The truth is that while we don’t deal with Mark on a daily basis, we can’t completely escape from any kind of relationship with him. We can’t avoid the fact that Mark is Jenny and Will’s dad. We can’t stop the visits altogether. We endure the visits by comforting ourselves with the knowledge that each visit comes to an end. He will not be tucking the kids in bed at night.
There is a built-in escape clause in our divorce. Each visit is for a set amount of time. There is comfort in knowing that we live in a home where we can take deep breaths. We can be free to express our true natures.
The end of each visit finds us a little stronger. The goal is to become stronger without becoming hardened or beaten down. The goal is to be the stream or the pond grass that bends with grace, and doesn’t break from fighting.
We will go home. We will see Mark. We will deal with attorneys and paperwork and nasty phone calls and testy emails.
And the pond will always be there. We can always escape.
Even if it’s only in our minds.
Tags: child of narcissist, divorce, life, marriage, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, proactive, survive
You are doing amazingly and I admire your strength. It must be very difficult having to deal with an ongoing relationship under these circumstances. I’m glad I no longer have to deal with this issue. At the end of the day, it’s about trying to do what’s best for our kids. You are doing a great job xx
Sarah,
It’s so nice to see you here.
Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.
Because of who you are, and how you think about things, you and kids will always be all right. It’s what’s in your mind – pond or whatever – that counts.
In my case, no matter how many times I read things like – “Mind over matter”; “Choose your attitude”; “Change your thinking” – I still need to actually go through the motions. I realize that it’s not simply saying I’m switching gears or choosing a new path, it is about tangibly taking a step in a new direction. It is about making myself visualize calm. It is about distancing myself from stress.
One day at a time.
I like the calmness in your writing, but it is always like you are waiting for the hurricane to hit land. We on the east coast are currently awaiting the arrival of “earl” and all we can do is buckle down the hatches, anchor the boats and wait for the storm to pass. Will and Jenny know that you will always be there to protect them from your particular storm. When the storm passes the grass will sway again, there will be more frogs to catch and the butterflies will dance AND you will all be stronger and feel more secure from what you learned in handling this particular storm. The secret is to be prepared before the storm hits, and I believe you have all the right tools to do just that.
Debbie,
What a beautiful comment! And so true.
The storms build character. The still pond probably gets pretty stagnant without an occasional stirring.
Perhaps visiting here and sharing your wise words is a fine new outlet for you in your recent status as “empty nester”.
I sure hope so. :)
I think everyone has to go through the motions. It’s a very cyclical process. Thinking often about an action that’s not part of your nature — visualizing yourself performing that action — can help a person come to perform that action. That’s how the brain works. Every time the action is repeated, it becomes easier and easier for the mind to accept it. I think it’s maybe retraining that lizard brain. Hence, the cycle: Out of our minds (thinking, visualizing) comes action, which changes our mindset, which further changes our actions, etc., etc.
Pat,
You said that beautifully.
Just like Will visualizes a ski jump over and over, and then he nails it. Jenny visualized riding her bike without training wheels, and voila!
I visualize peace in our home. We ride the squalls and know that the peace is always, eventually, attainable.
And sometimes it helps if I pretend I’m Katharine Hepburn – all full of grace and poise.
Well, there’s already one Kate – or Katie – in my life. But I could probably get used to calling you Kate too. Although, I have to say I think your real name fits you better.
:)
we’ll be home soon.