It usually takes about 36 hours.
If you call me somewhere in that 36 hours, I’ll have forgotten to smile before answering the phone. My voice will immediately tell you that I’m in the depths of the funk. I’m down in the dark of a deep well. I don’t have any reserves for pretending to be cheerful – for using my ‘Hey-I’m-Glad-You-Called’ voice, when I pick up the phone.
I’ll be hoping there are decent leftovers in the fridge, so I won’t have to come up with an idea for dinner.
Better yet, I’ll send mom a mental telepathy message that says, “Please invite us for dinner tonight.”
She usually responds.
Somewhere during that 36 hour period, mom will call. She’ll ask what we’re up to. She’ll ask how I’m doing. I won’t go into detail. I don’t have to. She knows it all from my tone of voice.
That’s all it takes.
She’ll invite us for dinner.
Whatever reserves I do have are spent on not trying to let the kids see that the wind has been knocked out of my sails. I’m functioning enough to realize that I don’t want the tailspin to take them with. They need to continue their own relatively happy orbits without being caught by the gravitational pull of my skewed planet.
Occasionally I’ll stand, bracing myself against the kitchen counter with my weight evenly distributed over both bare feet. I visualize sending the weight of my body to my feet. I grit my teeth and say to myself, “DO NOT let him pull the rug out from under you.” Of course it’s all a metaphor. He’s not really standing behind me, grabbing the rug and getting ready to yank.
If he was, I’d kick him.
This week, it occurred to me for probably the 937th time, that I am the one who can choose my reaction to whatever Mark delivers.
Imagine.
I don’t have to let myself go into a tailspin.
I don’t have to let the rug fly out from under me.
__________
I’ll try working on shortening the spell to 30 hours.
It used to be 48.
Update: 3/7/2012 – As of last night, the current decompression time is at 10 hours, if I don’t factor in the benefits of a good night’s sleep.
Tags: child of narcissist, divorce, humor, life, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, proactive, survive
Exactly!
What you are learning now is how to be the power in your life, not the victim.
I know it’s difficult when you are trying to drag your aching heart thru your day…
But YOU ARE DOING IT!
It does take one step at a time. Or one minute at a time. Or even just one second at a time.
We are standing behind you in case you fall.
Mums are the best. I hope things go better soon!
Great blog, btw! :)
Screw him, Jess. It should be 10 minutes, max.
Donna,
Each time I exit a tailspin, I do feel more resolve – more of the “not gonna let him do that to me anymore” sentiment.
I do have a pretty fantastic ‘net’. Thanks. ;)
Hello FOAS!
Thanks for stopping by. Love the name of your blog.
Susan,
Dang! Way to empower with few words.
In fact, your comment gave me a great start to another post.
I’ve always admired your innate ability to quickly cut through crap. Gotta get me some-a-dat.
love you ;)
Being a glass-half-full person, to an annoying degree, I would guess that 36 hours is a hell of a lot shorter than when you lived with him. If you weren’t in a funk like you described for WEEKS at a time, it was only because you were so distracted with trying to keep him happy and focusing all your attention on him. Now, at least, you can wake up after 36 hours and see the joys in life that you were missing before!!! (At least that is how it is with me and my past relationship with a narcissistic spouse).
Sue,
So, so true. There is no time for licking wounds when married to a narcissist. It could never be about me or my hurts or needs. In fact, I’m surprised he stuck around each time I was pregnant. What an inconvenience that was for him. I was completely useless to him. He as much told me so.
You said something that made me think… the thing about being a glass-half-full person. I wonder if that could be a common trait of survivors? How else would we tough it out for as long as we do?
I am reading this and it’s so empowering to read what I feel is coming to grips with the truth, and realizing the power I have to stay strong and steady for my kids. The counselor isn’t sure he’s narcissistic but I am. I’ve wasted way too much time on him… of other people’s experiences online put words to what I’ve been experiencing! I am finding my old self again. This has actually changed me for the BETTER in so many regards, made me stronger… Either that or it was going to kill me. I have 7 children and I do plan to stay, but I’m trying to figure out HOW to do it. He’s suddenly better and soooo sweet to me with this new counselor, as if she’s helped us so much! She’s barely getting to know the problem, and he already thinks its time to quit since everything is resolved now. LOL! Crazy makers!
Hello Mia,
Oh! The frustration. I KNOW what you mean. And the Crazy Making!
I’m glad you found us. I hope this blog provides you with a haven of understanding.
Just yesterday, I needed to look into the eyes of folks that understand NPD – folks who get it, get me, and understand.
Hang in there, Mia.
You decide every moment of the day
who you are and what you believe in.
the best part is…..
that you get another chance every second of the day.
Mike,
So true. That also means there’s plenty of room for course corrections, and no excuses for “getting stuck”.
Like that. ;)