How are you with it not being all about you? When you walk into a room, are you good with blending in, or must you stand out? Do you get uncomfortable if a conversation doesn’t center on your job or your car or your haircut?
Are you quick to anger if your plans are derailed?
Do you insist on controlling everything, including the people in your life?
How adaptable are you to not being able to watch your favorite show at the scheduled time, every week, eating the same food in the same spot on the couch?
Can you fathom staying home on Friday and Saturday nights?
Do you share well? Are you willing to share your time, your money, your favorite box of cereal or the Peanut M&Ms?
Can you put aside what you are doing to answer a question? Five questions? Can you put aside what you are doing for as long as it takes?
Can you go out of the house with smudged makeup?
Can you go a whole day without your hair being perfect?
Can you rein in your desire for guilty pleasures enough to make sure another person’s needs are met? How long can you comfortably go before having to buy another pair of shoes or a new fly rod? Would it be the end of the world if you didn’t take that annual cruise vacation?
How much do you care if socks don’t match?
How tolerant are you if the people close to you don’t like the same things that you like?
Are you patient with differences, or do you discredit those who have differing interests? Have you ever dismissed someone because they don’t like what you like?
Have you ever felt that your heart might explode with the depth of love you feel for someone other than yourself?
Do you operate from some idyllic check list that looks like this?
- Career
- Partner
- Car(s)
- House
- 1 or 2 kids
- Vacation Home
In that order?
Are you ever okay with acting silly – not because you are trying to get attention, but because you are trying to make someone happy?
Have you ever taken anything – other than yourself – seriously?
Can you laugh at yourself and admit your mistakes?
How kind are you when a significant other does not feel well? Do you feel inconvenienced?
How do you handle a dirty car, a messy kitchen, crumbs on the couch and socks on the floor?
Have you ever told someone you were sorry?
Have you ever told someone you love them?
Could you kiss a boo boo on a sticky, marshmallow-covered finger and promise to make the hurt go away?
Before you have kids, take the time to dig deeply and answer the hard questions.
Tags: child of narcissist, love, Parenting
I can’t wait to have my own little ones, hoping I could do all these things listed. Great questions to ask yourself. Parenting, I think, is the hardest job one can do. My worry is that I wouldn’t do it right. I guess with selfless love, good intentions, and an open heart it’s possible.
Kira,
I mess up on a daily basis. When I do, I apologize and tell them I love them and that I’m doing my best.
There’s no way to parent without messing up, but if your heart is in the right place you’ll do fine.
In my opinion, it truly is the most fulfilling “job” in the world.
I have to remind myself we are human & make mistakes. It’s kind of inevitable, I suppose. Good to know :) !! I must say it’s great you admit yours in regards to your kids, especially to your kids. I think that’s really important.
Kira,
Hopefully they see that mistakes aren’t the end of the world. We love, try, screw up, apologize and keep loving.
Perfection puts too much pressure on them. If nothing else, they learn acceptance, tolerance, and love from the imperfect. xx
Exactly :)
Wow–this is good Jesse!
Thank you.
Always thinking of you and yours!
Lynn,
Hoping you and yours are well.
SO good! Wow, Love it! All so true, too:) My youngest has taken up a passion for bed head and unmatched socks. Totally fits his personality, too! I love that about him :)
NM,
He’s a lucky boy to have you as his mom.
Hmmmm,
I guess my parents never took the time to answer the hard questions. Even today, with my child, (a boy) they try to make him a perfect little robot. He is 16 now, but when he was really little they cringed at all the little boyisms. Dirty hands, loud, guns, wild and rambunctious.
I remember when I was little and my family would go visit my mom’s family for Christmas or reunions. One of my cousins, in his early teens at the time, was so lively and fun. He was cooky and crazy and hyper (I loved that about him). Yet my family (all the N’s) would get mad at him and shout and yell and then things would go bad from there. It would make me so mad inside that they just wouldn’t let him be himself.
These questions are so necessary to answer before you have kids.
Steph,
My ex had a real hard time with Will’s boyishness. I think it has a lot to do with control and appearances. If he couldn’t control his son’s behavior, he’d risk looking bad.
That was a big cause of the stress – trying to keep the children quiet and well-behaved.
Is it the trait of a Narcissistic parent to play favorites? My Dad does this, and I’m the “favorite” and I hate it. I’m always standing up for my siblings. I can totally see him doing to us what Mark did to Will and Jenny. In fact, the one time I totally lost it with him and told him off, it was because he’d been just awful to my brother and I couldn’t take it anymore. Also, my friend, her parents were always pitting her and her sibling against each other.
NM,
Yes!! And yes again.
I’ve read a lot on that topic.
When I’ve questioned Mark about that he sees nothing wrong with it. He doesn’t bother to deny that he plays favorites, in fact, he sites the reasons why he’s justified.
Funny, not five minutes ago, I hit send on an email telling Mark how hurt his daughter’s feelings are. I know. I know. What’s the point. I had to do it for Jenny. She asked me to.
It’s awesome you did it. So she’ll know you are in her corner. You know it won’t change him, but if it helps her, what’s the harm? My sister and I were recently with my Dad’s side of the family for a few days. and my grandmother said to us “your Dad couldn’t wait to have a boy!” We got back to the hotel and my sister was so full of rage. She was almost screaming she was so mad. Rightfully so since my Dad has never treated my brother with any semblance of respect or love. Their temperaments are completely opposite. My brother is the most laid-back, kind, and fun person you could ever meet. I told her “it’s not that he wanted a son. It was that he wanted a copy, and when he didn’t get one, he wrote him off (our brother)” I guess it goes without saying that our brother was the only grandchild that wasn’t at his grandfathers funeral. :(
Oh wow! Yes my sister was the favorite and still is in our family. Also….she was the favorite with my grandparents who were NPD’s. It’s so great to be able to have people to relate to and talk with about all this!
My son still tries to be the clone. sigh. He doesn’t want to, but he knows there is no other way to acceptance and to be alone with your N dad despising you is worse than playing along.
If my ex could have chosen to be an only child, it would have been done. In fact, he pretends he is as he STILL tells his sisters he is the favorite (and believes it at 41 years old!) and his parents still pretend he is right. puke.
I am tired of fighting, but I do it for the little one…
Steph,
Doesn’t it help when you find others who know what you are going through?
Z,
Sounds like your son has developed his own coping strategy.
And I SO know what you mean about the fighting.
I think siblings can get over the favorites thing if they all understand the fact that parent (or in Steph’s case, parents..) is a narcissist & it’s sick for a parent to choose favorites. I believe from what Jesse’s written, Will gets it and doesn’t care for the way his Dad treats Jenny. I’ve spent a huge part of my life defending my siblings and my Dad knows if he thinks poorly of them, I’m not the one to talk to about it. In a way, it’s helped me move through it though…. He’s a narcissist and I know that, but I’m the only one that will stand up to him. Out of the three of us I’m the only one who’s stood up to him. I didn’t have any contact with him from the time I was 11-16 years old. I’m the only one who’s ever told him off. I’m not saying this as a matter of pride, just pointing out that I know the really awful abuse doesn’t get reserved for me. :( *shudder*
Steph, you should be really proud of yourself for not allowing that environment to change you into a self-centered person.
Z, I’ve gone through times of doing that too. Sometimes I still want to “put a good face on” for my Dad. It’s an instinct I really have to work hard at stopping. It’s good to “see” you, Z! :)
Steph, oh I couldn’t agree more. This site has helped me so much. A little over 2 years ago I ended a 24 year friendship with a narcissist. I needed this group so bad. Really has helped me through. Take care!
NM,
Siblings who are empathetic completely understand that it’s wrong to play favorites.
I’ll be posting on Will’s reaction to all of this in the next couple days….
Yes, he has, but it exhausts him. He comes home whiney and wants me to say yes to everything since all he has heard is no with the N. It takes a couple of days to detox and get back to a comfortable zone. :(
Good to see you too, NM. It’s hard to re-program, huh?
NM,
Thanks….When I was younger I used to wonder why I turned out different. Now I don’t question it! I am proud to be different with compassion and empathy for others. I too am an INFJ and very happy to be one.
Yesterday I had a situation come up where I was asked how I was doing by my mother through a text. I assumed she meant about my thyroid issue….so I explained that I had just started taking the medication and I probably wouldn’t start to feel different until the fourth or sixth week, that I was still feeling all the bad, blues, blahs, etc. Then I got a text back that” she had to go play tennis now”. No other comment just that. Then why did you text me in the first place? WTF?!
So I came back to this page of the blog and reread your comment about how I did not become self-centered. Took a few breaths… and it helped! To hear another remind why I am not like my parents is so great!
I think this quote:
There comes a point in your life when you realize who really matters, who never did, and who always will.
is really hitting home lately.
Off to my morning coffee…..