Surviving Narcissism Exploring life after marriage to a narcissist. Learning and thriving by sharing our story. – Jesse Blayne

A story…

She is standing at the stove when he walks in.  “Mom, when’s dinner gonna be ready?”

“Soon, honey.  The sauce is ready.  Salad’s in the fridge.  Garlic bread is in the oven.  There’s nothing more for me to do besides cook the pasta.  I’m just waiting for the water to come to a boil for the spaghetti.  We’ll eat when dad gets home.”

“K.  I’m just gonna get my soccer stuff for the game tonight.”

With his gym bag hanging from his shoulder, he passes her on his way out, “A watched pot never boils, mom.”

“I know.  Grab an apple to tide you over.”

She stirs the sauce with a wooden spoon, and adjusts the temp on the burner for the water.  She looks at the clock.  He’ll be home soon.

She stirs the sauce again, even though it doesn’t need it.

She takes a sip of wine.

She wonders how many times she has stood at this stove wondering when things will change.

Her counselor has told her that there is little to no chance that a narcissist will change.  The blogs she reads tell of stories of those who make the choice to leave after having tried everything.  Surely her situation is different.  Certainly he will see what they have and make their relationship a priority.  Divorce happens to other couples.  Divorce happens to women who don’t try as hard as she does.

She has tried.

She is still trying.

She is the only one trying.

She adds salt to the water.  Don’t they say that salt brings water to a boil quicker?

She stirs the sauce and takes another sip of wine.

She waits for the water to boil.

She waits for her husband to change.

She has invested so much in this marriage.  She can’t just quit.  What about the kids?  Shouldn’t she stay for the kids?  Won’t the kids be better off if they stay together?

She knows the answers but she’s afraid to admit it.  She knows that he won’t change.  He doesn’t see the need for change.  He believes he is fine the way he is.  When she speaks of their issues, he says the issues are hers.

She knows that the kids see this dysfunctional relationship for what it is.  She doesn’t want them to believe her marriage is any kind of an example of a healthy relationship.

She knows all these things and still she waits.

What is she waiting for?

She wishes he’d leave her for another woman; then she wouldn’t have to be the “Bad Guy” and make the choice to leave.  The decision would be made for her.

She has even wished for a car accident – that he’d be hit by a car and that would change him.   Maybe a car accident would teach him empathy, kindness, and compassion.  Of course she couldn’t admit that to anyone – not even the counselor.  What does that say about her?  Is she the one who is crazy for wishing her husband would be hit by a car?  How did things get so bad?

She grabs the wooden spoon meaning to stir the sauce, but she dips it into the not-yet boiling water instead.  She puts the spoon down.  Should she pour out the water and start with a fresh pot?  Should she boil the pasta in this mess?  Will this water ever come to a boil?

Does any of this even matter any more?  How much longer will she cook dinner for a man who doesn’t see her?  How much longer will she wait for the water to come to a boil?

She hears the screen door slam.  “Mom, why are you still standing at the stove?  Are you okay?”

“I’m still waiting for the water to boil.”