Surviving Narcissism Exploring life after marriage to a narcissist. Learning and thriving by sharing our story. – Jesse Blayne

A woman walks into a bar…

She self-consciously focuses on her purse as the bartender approaches and asks, “What’ll you have?”

“I’ll have VO and water, please.”

The bartender pulls down a glass, “One of those days, huh?”

She fumbles with her wallet, “Not yet, but it will be by the time my kids get home.  They’re with their dad right now.”

He places a filled glass in front of her, and notices she isn’t wearing a wedding band.  He smiles, “Yes, then I s’pose the deprogramming will commence?  Isn’t that how it goes in these situations?”  He walks down to the end of the bar to greet a new face.  He returns to stand at his station, opposite her, to pour another drink.

She sets her glass down on the bar, “If you don’t mind my asking, how do you know anything about my situation?”

He laughs as the cocktail waitress fires off a new drink order for the large table in the corner.  He pulls down different shapes of glasses and starts pouring.  “Well, I am a bartender.  I hear lots of stories.  It goes with the territory.”  He places the drinks on a tray, opens two bottles of beer to add to the order and continues, “I imagine your kids will get home deflated, grouchy and picking on each other.  You will rally the troops and try to repair the damage done to their self-esteem.  Am I close?”

“That’s exactly it.  Every time.  I have to remind them that they are good and talented and kind and whatever else to repair the damage done by their father.  Will it ever end?  And who will do that for them when I can’t be there?”

The bartender wipes the counter in front of her, “Self-esteem is a fickle thing.”  He walks away to approach a new customer.

She sips her drink and thinks about all she’s read about kids and self-esteem.  She thinks about her own self-esteem and how it nose-dived when she walked into this bar by herself.  She never goes to a bar alone.  What would people think?  What would they be saying about a woman who sits at a bar by herself?  She shouldn’t care, but she can’t help it.  Self-esteem is directly connected to others.  We rely on the perceptions and values of others to help us determine how we measure up.

The bartender returns and asks if she’s ready for another.  She nods.  As he fills her glass with ice he says, “So I’m guessing that your kids leave your house confident in their abilities in school or their chosen sport or the way they can draw a tree, but they get home feeling like complete failures who will never amount to anything.  Is that about right?”

“Yes.  And I’ll spend the rest of the evening reminding them that she draws better than most, that he skis better than his dad, and that they excel in their school subjects.  Their dad just picks and picks until their spirits are whittled to nothing.  By the time they are ready for bed, I’m exhausted from trying to rebuild.  Is there any way to maintain a healthy level of self-esteem?”

He chuckles as he takes another order from the waitress.  “I don’t mean to make light of your situation.  I’m laughing about the whole Self-Esteem Movement.  It’s flawed.  We are humans who try and screw up and try again.  The self-esteem movement is based on perfect performance and looking to someone else to determine our worth.  Not only that, but because we mess up, our self-esteem will naturally return to a low point when we fail, forcing us, again, to look for someone to come along and tell us when we’ve done something right, to bring us back up.  It’s set up to be this crazy roller coaster of highs and lows.  It’s gonna suck the energy out of any parent who tries to counter all the negative that kids inevitably experience.”

She reaches for her drink, “Are you a parent?”

“Not yet.  This job is great training for dealing with personality types.  It’s going to help with parenting.  I hope.  That and a degree in Psychology and a Masters in Counseling.”

“And you’re a bartender?  Um…  no offense.”

“Yeah, well I had my own self-esteem issues.”  He places a fresh drink order on a tray and walks to greet a new group at the end of the bar.

He returns to fill a new order.

“If I may ask, how did you get over the vicious cycle of the self-esteem roller coaster?  Or have you?”

He grabs two more bottles of beer, a bottle of Cabernet and two wine glasses and heads to the foursome at the table next to the bar.  She looks over to see two couples and wonders how each person at the table is dealing with their own self-esteem issues.  One of the women seems nervous.  She keeps adjusting her skirt.  One of the guys leans back in that I’m a force to be reckoned with posture.  He must be compensating for something.

The bartender returns.  “Sure.  You can ask.  Someone once pointed out that self-acceptance or self-compassion was a lot healthier than self-esteem.  I’d heard of self-compassion, but I thought that’s what burned-out housewives did when they were tired and frustrated.  Self-compassion was a pedicure, a bottle of wine and a chick flick – not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I didn’t see how it was going to help me.  But this person pointed out that self-compassion is acknowledging our humanness – our capacity to be amazing and also our capacity to be a failure.  Self-acceptance says, ‘I am a good person even if I fail to meet your expectations for me.’  It’s about believing in my worth no matter my performance.”

She takes a sip of her drink, “But doesn’t that mean that I can lay on the couch all day watching chick flicks and still believe that I’m a good person?  Can I neglect my kids and still think I’m a good person?”

“Would you really do that?  Would you really neglect your kids, check out of your life and feel good about yourself?  Probably not.  Self-acceptance doesn’t give you license to be a jerk, but it does put your own sense of self-worth in your own hands, where it ought to be.  How beautiful is that?  You don’t have to rely on any event or person to improve your view of yourself.  Imagine how much more fulfilling parenting would be if you instilled in your kids an awareness of self-acceptance.  How healthy and strong would your kids be – and continue to be – if they learned to accept themselves?  Imagine being a kid with self-compassion.  It wouldn’t matter how well you drew a tree, or how many times you wrecked on the ski hill, because you would inherently believe that your worth isn’t tied to any performance.  Yes, it’s awesome to be a great skier, but who are you on a day when you’ve lost your groove and you don’t ski well?  Are you still a good person?  Not with this fickle Self-Esteem Movement.”

“I’ll have to think on this.  It might take me a bit to switch gears from the whole self-esteem thing.”

He polishes a wine glass and says, “Yeah, it was a new way of thinking for me, too.”

“Who told you about self-acceptance?  A counselor?  A therapist?”

“Nah, it was a customer.”

She starts to put her jacket on.  “So without the self-esteem issues holding you back, why didn’t you decide to do something with your degrees?”

The bartender laughed, “I did.  I bought the bar.”