Control « Surviving Narcissism

Control

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 12 Comments
25
Sep 10

On Tailspins and Rug-Pulling

skipping-rocks It usually takes about 36 hours.

If you call me somewhere in that 36 hours, I’ll have forgotten to smile before answering the phone. My voice will immediately tell you that I’m in the depths of the funk. I’m down in the dark of a deep well. I don’t have any reserves for pretending to be cheerful – for using my ‘Hey-I’m-Glad-You-Called’ voice, when I pick up the phone.

I’ll be hoping there are decent leftovers in the fridge, so I won’t have to come up with an idea for dinner.

Better yet, I’ll send mom a mental telepathy message that says, “Please invite us for dinner tonight.”

She usually responds. Continue reading →

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21
Sep 10

Trying Not To Get Burned

fire Will’s genetic coding includes a large dose of pyrotechnics. He was interested in matches at an early age. Because I liked living with a roof over my head, I opted to teach him about matches when he first asked. I figure the more kids have their curious natures addressed, the more they’ll learn, and the less potential problems we’ll have. Better he learn about matches while I’m with him, than while he’s sneaking around by himself in the garage, surrounded by gas cans and lighter fluid.

I’ll go out on a limb and suggest that most boys are fascinated by fire.

To this day, Jenny has not lit a match. I’ve asked if she might be interested. I have suggested that she even light her birthday candles.

She and I are a lot alike, we like a cozy fire, we don’t feel the need to light it.

I will admit that I have added fuel to fires – literally and figuratively. When it comes to Mark, I don’t try to light anything on purpose. I don’t call to rag on him. I don’t send him nasty emails. I don’t stop by his business to make a scene in front of his employees. I want to avoid the chaos and the fire. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Tools — 10 Comments
2
Sep 10

The Great Escape

still pond I’m looking out on the pond. The tall grasses framing the pond barely sway. The butterflies dance from the tips of the grasses and occasionally dip to skim the surface of the water. The pond is so calm it is difficult to discern where the grass meets its reflection. The quiet is heavy in a comforting, secure way. I feel safe and serene and untouchable.

The kids are content. There are frogs to catch and fish to fry. The dog begs to play. The forest beckons to be explored.

All of this won’t last. We will have to go home.

I foolishly believed that by divorcing Mark, I’d be able to escape his bizarre treatment. I thought the kids would be spared his picking and annexing.

The truth is that while we don’t deal with Mark on a daily basis, we can’t completely escape from any kind of relationship with him. We can’t avoid the fact that Mark is Jenny and Will’s dad. We can’t stop the visits altogether. We endure the visits by comforting ourselves with the knowledge that each visit comes to an end. He will not be tucking the kids in bed at night. Continue reading →

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23
Aug 10

Lawyers, Attorneys and Bears – Oh My!

Mark is contesting the parenting schedule – the schedule that he authored. At the time of our divorce. he penned a parenting schedule with all kinds of flexibility to accommodate his work and play schedules. I was quick to accept because I knew he wouldn’t demand to see them much.

Apparently that isn’t serving his “need” to see his children more.

He wants to see them every other weekend, every Wednesday, his birthday and some holidays.

No mention of the kids’ birthdays.

No mention of assisting with home schooling. Continue reading →

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8
Aug 10

Surviving Nicely

A year from now you may wish you had started today.

Karen Lamb

Today is the first birthday of this blog. I prefer to think of it as a birthday, rather than an anniversary, since this blog has been so much like another child for me.

And what a first year.

I spent a good portion of the year writing about the day-to-day business of living with a narcissist. I hoped my efforts would help others see what they might also be dealing with. In the process, I was able to see where I had been, and how I needed to help myself and my kids.

I wrote about the tools we developed along the way that helped us with the hurts and frustrations that come from trying to understand a narcissist.

I included quotes that helped me see the big picture. The quotes served as good words to motivate me when I felt the most hopeless. Continue reading →

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28
Jul 10

Coming Full Circle

barbed

“Dad, if you changed some things so that we would be more comfortable around you, we would want to see you more.” Will, with eyes blinking incessantly, and hands shoved into the pockets of his grass-stained kahkis, summoned the courage to stand up to his dad.

Later, Will told me he felt like he wanted to throw-up when he was talking to Mark.

Jenny was hiding in a corner of the garage. When Mark asked her if he still used the baby voice, she was visibly shaking. She looked down at her feet, clutched her Barbie, and whispered, “Yes.”

Then, Mark announced to the three of us that he has only one voice. He does not have, and never has had, a baby voice. Continue reading →

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28
Jun 10

The Narcissist’s Other Shoe

This is the calm before the storm. Or is it? After Mark’s last email to Will, we have not heard much from him. It has been quite pleasant around here. Although, there is a part of me that wonders what’s coming next.

Will received that lengthy, mom-bashing, blame-laying, ‘your life wouldn’t be what it is today without all the sacrifices I’ve made for you’ email on the day before Father’s Day. Jenny and Will opted not to call him. On the evening of Father’s Day, Mark left a message asking only to talk to Jenny. Jenny begrudgingly returned his call on Monday. It sounded like Mark was actually asking detailed questions about her weekend. He did not ask to talk to Will.

On Tuesday, Mark called, and this time asked to talk to Will. He had some story about his neighbors, to relay to Will. He ended the conversation by saying, “Hey, I’m floating the river tomorrow. Do you want to come?” He didn’t discuss the email, or Will’s lack of response to his email. After Will got off the phone, he shook his head and said, “Dad is doing that thing where he is pretending that everything is fine.”

Will didn’t go floating with Mark.

I answered the phone on Thursday. Mark asked if the kids were home. I held up the phone and said, “You guys, it’s your dad.” They both looked at me, shook their heads, and whispered, “NO! We don’t want to talk to him.” Instead of forcing them to talk to their dad, I said, “Mark, neither one of the kids wants to come to the phone.” He sternly said, “Okay. Goodbye.” Continue reading →

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21
Jun 10

I Am The Stream

the-missouri I thought about posting the most damning quotes from the emails received from Mark in the last few days. I thought I might even write about how Mark is telling Will that while every boy needs a mom, they don’t need a mom who poisons them with the hate they feel for that boy’s dad. I thought I’d even post entire copies of those emails. (Trust me. They far exceed the 1000 word limit that a lot of bloggers prefer.) I thought of posting his criticisms and defending myself. His writings further prove his disorder, so it certainly would be more fodder for this blog.

And when I pictured myself typing those things, I saw battery acid oozing out of my finger tips. The acid flowed over the keyboard and cemented the keys, so that I could no longer type.

I can’t type that negative stuff.

I can’t give more life to his hateful words.

It was the night before Father’s Day, when Will read Mark’s recent email out loud. The kids didn’t cry. They didn’t pace the floor and exclaim that they don’t understand how their dad could write such things. They didn’t beg to sleep in my bed because they were so hurt or bruised by Mark’s words. Continue reading →

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15
Jun 10

Fear on the Frontlines

I am scared. My stomach hurts.

Mark talked to my mom before his counseling session today. He admitted that yesterday’s visit did not go well. He said he thinks he can’t reach Will. I’m stunned that he can see this.

My head was reeling with the sudden change in Mark’s tone.

Is he ready to discard the kids because they aren’t interested in sourcing his narcissism? He has never admitted to this strained relationship with Will before. Why now?

The kids are scheduled for a session with Mark and the counselor tomorrow. They are begging me not to make them go. They are crying. They are pleading.

I’ve told them that we are taking the ‘high road’. We will go to one more session to show Mark, and the world, that we are giving this our best. Continue reading →

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14
Jun 10

From the Sidelines to the Stands

I spent some time on the sidelines. I was too close to the game, and couldn’t see the action well. I moved to the stands. I can see the game better, and it’s a lot more comfy here, too. It’s best that I’m further from the action. They can’t hear me when I fail at keeping my mouth shut. I’m sitting on one of those cushions with the attached back. There’s no one sitting in front of me, so my feet are up. I’ve got popcorn and an icy cold beer.

My kids are suiting up for another run at this ‘game’ at grandma’s. Last night, Jenny slept with me again. She’s dreading today and couldn’t get to sleep because she can’t quit thinking about how her dad just doesn’t see her. This morning, Will said, “I am done with these visits. I just feel beat down.”

I’m picturing my kids suited up for a football game. We’ve only recently gotten into watching football. There hasn’t been a dad around to spend Sundays watching the games, so we don’t really know how the game is played. Will certainly knows more than Jen and I do. But he still doesn’t understand penalties and downs and all that stuff. They are begrudgingly putting on their shoulder pads and helmets. After a few encouraging shouts from the stands, they will drag their butts up the hill to grandma’s house.

I tried the coaching bit for eleven years. Perhaps I’d have done a better job if I’d known more how the game was played. It seems the other team (Mark) keeps changing the rules. Each time my kids were tackled, I’d rush out to the field, help them up and encourage them to get back in the game. It took me quite awhile before I realized that Mark kept changing the rules. I was encouraging the kids to play fair. After each tackle, it became harder and harder to talk them into going back in for what they knew would be another hit. I hoped they’d be able to play better as they got older. At this point, they pretty much hate the game altogether. They don’t even want to be near the stadium, let alone on the field.

Now, with my mom as coach, it’ll be interesting to see how the rest of the game plays. Initially, Jen and Will were cautiously optimistic. This new coach did a better job of getting them psyched before the game. She was a lot more enthusiastic about the potential outcome. She really believed we could win this thing, and her spunk was contagious. The three of us were ready for a new coach because we were sick and tired and bruised from losing every stinkin’ game. Continue reading →

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5
Jun 10

Sitting On The Sidelines

Sometimes I have wished that I could take the messy parts of life, put them in a cardboard box, seal the box with packing tape and put it on a high shelf in the garage. It isn’t realistic to send the box out with the trash. Oh, if we could just get a reprieve from thinking about that stuff. I’d label the box with a thick, black Sharpie – “Do Not Open Until Mentally Prepared to Deal”. The box would collect dust. I’d move it occasionally. I’d take it down and think I was ready to open it. I’d take a box cutter and slit the tape and just the opening of the top would let a vapor into the garage. The vapor would cloud everything, and I’d grab the tape and hurriedly seal the box back up. I’d put the box back on the shelf, wait for the vapor to dissipate and tell myself that in another couple weeks, I’d better be able to handle the contents of the box.

My mom came and metaphorically put all my’ Mark Junk’ in a plastic grocery bag and took it to her house. She hatched a plan, and because I’m overwhelmed and weighted down, I let her take the grocery bag to her house. I didn’t just let her, I helped put the junk in the bag. I may have even put the bag in her car.

What was she thinking?

I think a few folks wondered if I actually did throw – as in send flying across the room and crash-landing against a wall – a couple plates, during a phone call with Mark. That was a reference to my vacation zen post where I spoke of visualizing a stack of plates balanced precariously on my head. Balancing the ‘virtual’ plates was a way to maintain focus, not get myself riled, and stay on course. I lost my focus in the conversation with Mark, but I didn’t literally throw any plates. The only object I’ve ever thrown AT another person was a fork. I was 11 my brother was 9. He was incredibly brother-like, I was incredibly big sister-like, I lost patience and threw a fork at him. My aim was, and still is, lousy. I broke a pane out of the french glass door.

And when I was telling my mom about losing it with Mark, I made reference to the fact that every time I try to communicate something to Mark about how the kids are feeling, “I might as well be squirting lighter fluid on burning briquettes.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
29
May 10

Venting Prevents Action

“What do I have to do to be good enough so dad will love me?” “How come I have such a bad dad?” “My life won’t be good without a good dad.” And to that I said, “Honey, do I have a bad life? How am I doing? I have a pretty darned good life, don’t I?” And through alligator tears Jenny said, “It’s just not fair. When are you going to get us a real dad?” I wanted to say, “Well it’s not like I can put a post on Craig’s List saying, “Need one great dad for two amazing little people. Must like listening, Barbies, joke telling, card trick teaching, golfing, fishing, bow hunting, skiing and relating. Don’t need husband. Narcissists need not apply.”

And so we continue this bizarre odyssey of trying to navigate a relationship with a guy who is completely clueless about how to relate to his kids.

Mark purchased a new set of golf clubs, new hiking boots, and is shopping for new running shoes for Will. Nice, right? He took Jenny to get a pair of earrings, and said, “Some day I’ll have to get you a bike.” Then he turned to me and said, “Does she need new shoes?” He was standing right next to Jen, but he didn’t ask her that question. Jen looked at me and said, “Mom, I don’t have any good running around shoes.” But he didn’t hear her. He wasn’t listening for an answer to the question he’d asked.

Instead of relating to or listening to his beautiful kids, he buys them things. This isn’t a new thing for divorced couples. But most divorced adults might be cognizant enough to realize that the gift buying should approach fairness, to some degree.

Now, of course, Jen thinks that Mark loves Will more. Will is crying because he feels bad for his sister. Continue reading →

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27
May 10

Beauty Through the Act of Loving

imperfect-beauty Yesterday’s post was about beauty and insecurity and denying who I am. It was a difficult post to write. I’m not even sure where it came from. Getting that necklace in the mail was akin to jamming a stick of dynamite in a dam that I didn’t even know existed. Feelings, emotions and tears started flowing, and they weren’t going to stop. Apparently, they haven’t stopped yet. I’m not done with the topic, and I’m convinced that this flood is sending me further down the path that I’m supposed to be on. The tidal wave of emotions is pushing me faster, and I’m not afraid. In fact, I can’t wait to see how far it takes me. This is another exercise in authenticity and speaking truth. Both of those expressions are over-used. But if we set out in search of those things, with integrity, the pursuit of authenticity and truth gets us closer to who we are meant to be.

warning: I took a challenge to write 2500 words today. I’ve never struggled with coming up with the words. I usually cut myself off in an effort to make my post more manageable (less tiresome). This will be LONG. Get a cup of tea, a glass of wine, or a milkshake, or skip it all together and haunt one of your favorite, less wordy sites.

So in response to my ‘beauty’ post, I got some warm, loving, complimentary comments from dear friends and dear family. I didn’t want it to appear that I was writing that post to fish for compliments. I guess I’m a better fisherwoman (why isn’t fisherwoman in spellcheck?) than I thought. (I can cast a fly line pretty well, but I never catch much. I can put a worm on a hook, but I’m usually busy sipping my beer, and I don’t see the tug on the pole.) The comments were extraordinarily nice, and they made me very uncomfortable, just as any kind of compliment has always made me uncomfortable.

And as I was responding to my intelligent, beautiful cousin this morning the pistons in my still sleepy brain fired and I was hit by another thought.

(‘Beautiful’ and ‘intelligent’ are descriptors for all the women who commented on my post yesterday. Thanks Mom, Donna, Lucy, Kate and Jessica. I’m sure these apply to Jessica, even though I don’t know her well. Yet. Just as they apply to all the women that I am proud to know.) Continue reading →

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25
May 10

Narcissism and Lip Service

Wikipedia defines lip service as an idiom meaning giving ‘approval or support..insincerely’. Lip service is not the sole domain of narcissists. We all give things lip service. “I’d love to meet you for lunch.” “Love that new haircut.” “Of course, those pants don’t make your butt look big.” “Your new boyfriend is very charming.”

__________

Mark was dying to see the kids when we returned from vacation. He has since tried to see them every stinkin’ day. We have not received any sort of formal wrap-up from the counselor on where we are headed in terms of how all parties might try to better get along. The kids are acting like, “Whoa! Hold on a minute. What has changed? Why so many visits, so soon?” Is it silly to even expect a wrap-up from the counselor? I’m still not real sure what we were trying to accomplish with the counseling sessions. I get the feeling that Mark was making a show of working on things. He now thinks that we are believing that he is working on things.

Cross that off the list.

Resume regular visits. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 Comments
4
May 10

Update on the Counseling Process

We haven’t heard a word from Mark.

The kids and I talked over the weekend and came up with a proposal. We wanted to suggest a visitation schedule that we could live with. Mark has indicated that he would like to see them more frequently. The kids say, “Absolutely Not.” We think we’ve come up with something to appease Mark. We hope that he will see that a few visits are better than nothing at all.

See? There we go hoping again.

Yesterday morning I called Mark and ended up leaving a message. I selected what I hoped sounded like an encouraging/positive voice. I told him that we were looking forward to talking to him after his counseling session – which was yesterday. I asked him to please call us so that we could discuss how to proceed from here.

I called again in the afternoon. No answer.

Now what? Continue reading →