Lack of Empathy « Surviving Narcissism

Lack of Empathy

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
29
Apr 10

Approaching Full-Circle

“So it’s pretty obvious that you didn’t try to coach your kids before you came in today.” That’s what the counselor first said, when I walked into her office after she’d met first, with Will, and then with Jenny. I explained that I thought it was better/healthier to not over-talk this appointment. (You probably didn’t know I could not over-talk something.) I had explained to them that they would be very comfortable talking to her. They didn’t need to worry about me or their dad hearing what they said. They could complain about me, too, if they so felt. There were no right or wrong answers. And this was a great way for them to get some stuff off their chests.

Interestingly, the counselor pointed out that a lot of kids, upon entering her office, frantically unload their brains in an effort to spew everything they’ve been coached to say, in hopes of not getting in trouble for forgetting to say everything.

Yikes.

I believe we have to trust, that if we are headed down the right path, then we better not impede the process by trying to force our desired outcome.

Then she showed me their drawings. It was absolutely fascinating to see how she interpreted the sketches. She’s been employing the House/Tree/Person technique for 16 years. I knew my kids would be comfortable with sketching since they draw every day. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 13 Comments
27
Apr 10

Being Heard

It feels like complete acceptance, total respect, absolute acknowledgment and warmth all wrapped into one big bear hug. It’s not the first time I’ve been heard. I have amazing family and friends who have supported me and believed me about NPD and it’s effects on my family. Even so, there was always a glimmer of doubt that perhaps I had been clinging so desperately to the belief that my ex was a narcissist, in a vain attempt at making sense of a messed up marriage.

The validation that comes with speaking to a professional – someone who understands personality disorders – is an entirely new level of understanding. And prior to yesterday’s visit, I’d been to two other counselors who had completely dismissed me.

I had decided to not play the narcissism card right off the bat. I had a lot of time to present a picture of the history of my relationship with Mark, from the time we first started dating. I included my observations about the boys from his previous marriage and how I had assumed, based on what Mark had told me, that his relationship with them was strained because of his ex-wife’s influence.

I tried my hardest to leave out emotion, name-calling (that was really hard) and nit-picking. I presented clear-cut examples of bizarre treatments and behaviors. I told her how Mark announced when Will was 6 weeks old, that this family thing wasn’t for him. I told her how the kids weren’t allowed to makes messes in his house. I told her how he would remove himself from conversations if the talk didn’t center on him. I told her about the insidious picking and critiques of Will and Jen’s hair styles, wardrobes and choice of hobbies. I told her how I kept trying, after our separation, to come up with suggestions of what Mark and the kids could do together. I told her that I opened my house to him for visits, even after learning about “the incident”. I told her about how the kids refuse to call him on his behavior because of potential repercussions.

Periodically, she would look at me in total dismay. Several times, as she was writing fast and furiously, she would say, “Wait. Back up? What did he say?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
26
Apr 10

Kismet

Just a brief update because my head is in the clouds and I can’t articulate well, right now.

It went so damn well that I don’t know where to begin.

I wanted to write a great illustration of what it feels like when things go well. I wanted to tease, and lead into a story, and draw it out.

But I hate that when someone has something to say, and they won’t cut to the chase.

It WENT SO WELL.

And I am encouraged. I’m excited for my kids to talk to her. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 15 Comments
21
Apr 10

Humpty Dumpty and Jack

I brought a fresh cup of coffee to my 8:30 counseling session with my blog today. Seems life continues to hand me more fodder for ‘Surviving Narcissism’. This is where I get to use expressions like, “The proof is in the pudding”, “It’s time to take the gloves off”, and (hopefully), “He never knew what hit him.”

I’m using ALL the narcissism tags for this post.

Mark didn’t get to spend a lot of time with the kids this last weekend. Grandma and Grandpa returned from wintering in Arizona, and the kids needed some serious spoiling time. So when Mark called Monday night, I wasn’t surprised to hear his characteristic what-about-me, martyr voice. He said, “You have told me to make them a priority, and when I try to see them, they are too busy with your folks. How am I supposed to fit into their schedule?” I explained that they hadn’t seen grandma for four months, but that they would be available on Tuesday afternoon.

What I wanted to say was, “I asked you, 11 years ago, to make Will a priority. That’s one helluva ‘To-Do List” you’ve got there. You’re just now getting around to making them a priority?”

Three hours into Tuesday’s visit, I walked out to the front yard with my new spine-enhanced posture and said, “We need to cap these visits at three hours. I don’t like being held hostage in my own house.” He sarcastically said, “I would love to have these visits at my house.” I reminded him that the visits at his house would be three hours in length (no over-nighters) and would include both kids at the same time. He frickin’ asked me why the kids wouldn’t be allowed to spend the night. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 16 Comments
14
Apr 10

Just Who Is In Charge Here?

Jenny got off the phone, raked her fingers through her hair (just like I do when I’m stressed) and she gasped, “Why do I have to be so nice? Why can’t I tell him that he uses the voice?”

And the cycle continues…

Mark asked her if he used the voice with her; she denied it because her knee-jerk is to be nice and compliant; and he thinks I’m feeding him crap about the kids and their reactions to his visits.

And then it hit me.

I AM IN CHARGE. I am the grown up here. Such that I am. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Narcissist Quotes / The World Revolves Around Me — 7 Comments
13
Apr 10

Grasping At Straws

Dear friends,

I want to write something positive. I want to inspire. I want to get my head above water. I need to regroup. I will write once I find a porthole.

In the meantime, my mom sent me something that is particularly appropriate. I hope you laugh. We can always make some room for a chuckle.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Opportunistic / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 10 Comments
12
Apr 10

As The Narcissist’s World Turns

Dammit. I don’t really want to write about this. I so want to be done with all of this. It is more of what I’ve already written. It is more of what others have already written on the subject of narcissism. But I have made a commitment to myself, and ultimately, to anyone who takes the time to read this blog – that person who, in the middle of the night, when sleep won’t come, desperately searches the internet in hopes of finding answers. This is for those who still cling to the possibility that things could work out, that hope and goodness will prevail.

I have to write for them.

It started Sunday morning when the kids opened their in-boxes. Mark wrote them each an email. In Will’s email, he explained that I had indicated that Will would be calling. Mark twisted things around, again, and made it sound like we were wanting the dust to settle, and would get in touch when we were ready. He forgot the part about the kids expecting initiative and change on Mark’s part. Mark’s email to Jen sounded like he was picking up where he’d left off, and that nothing had ever happened.

So… the kids wrote emails saying they did not want to see him until he made it clear that he was ready to treat Jen like she’s seven years old, and that he demonstrates to Will that he is ready to make Jen and Will priorities. The kids were pretty agitated that Mark would expect that he wouldn’t have to do anything, and that everyone would pick up where things had been left.

We’ve seen this too many times. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Moving On / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
7
Apr 10

When Accommodators Cave

“Please! Someone whack my knuckles with a ruler. Now!” That was the plea I sent out to the Twitter Universe a few weeks ago. I was trying desperately to prevent myself from emailing John. Annie, bless her heart, sent back a virtual whacking that sounded something like, “There. You’ve been whacked.”

And the next night I caved.

It had been 16 whole, long, sad, dreary days since I’d sent him an email or received anything from him. Truth be told, he was out of cell range or internet access, and he couldn’t communicate. (Although, I don’t know that he’d actually have written, if I hadn’t written first.) On the 16th night I couldn’t stop my fingers. I sent an email that said I missed him.

He wrote back, within 13 minutes, to say that he missed me.

Here’s a brief list of things that I just don’t understand: Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — 8 Comments
6
Apr 10

Life Lessons and Lamb Poop

4-minutes-old “And that is another great example of how there are so many different ways to make a living.” My grandfather used to say that. He’d had his share of different careers – mechanic, draftsman, lumber yard manager and more that I can’t remember. We’d be playing Yahtzee, visiting about someone we both knew, and he’d marvel at how the world was changing and people were finding new and interesting ways to make a living.

Today the kids and I got to see a way of life that hasn’t changed much. A dear friend invited us to see what goes on during lambing. It was 39 degrees with low gray clouds that just started to release snow when we pulled up to the old barn. There were sheep everywhere, and lambs anywhere from two minutes old to a couple days old.

I wasn’t sure how Jen and Will would take to the whole thing. It was cold and muddy and smelly and wet.

They jumped right in.

They could hardly wait to scoop up these newborn lambs. They got to bottle feed the bum lambs – the ones that are rejected by their moms. It requires a thick skin to do this for a living – you can’t possibly save all the rejected lambs. I thought we’d end up with a car full of new pets. It can be cruel, but the process is so labor-intensive and exhausting, that it doesn’t leave much time for tears over the sickly ones. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — 29 Comments
5
Apr 10

When ‘Go To Hell’ Doesn’t Cut It

Will looked at me and said, “I can’t get dis futtin’ thing open!” Stupidly, I said, “What did you just say?” Then his chubby little fingers handed me his juice pouch while his humongous brown eyes peered through his Harry Potter glasses, and he frustratedly said, “Mom! I can’t get dis futtin’ thing open!”

We were surrounded by little preschoolers, their adoring parents and the preschool teacher. It was just a few days after a couple parents approached me about the possibility of my taking the position of President of our little parent-run preschool. I grabbed Will’s juice pouch, muttered something under my breath while looking down so that none of them would notice that I was blushing, poked the straw in the pouch, and was squirted with a steady stream of sugary apple juice – my payment for being a ‘bad’ mommy.

__________

I try to work on my language. I think I’m making progress. I never have been convinced that saying bad words is any kind of an indication of a character flaw. However, with two little people that parrot everything I do and say, it behooves me to rein in on the language a bit.

While I do release the occasional f-bomb, I don’t direct it at others. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Recipes / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
2
Apr 10

Mexican Salad and ‘The Good Witch’

mexican-salad What is worse – having a narcissistic father that fights for custody and makes the kids’ lives miserable on a daily basis, or having a narcissistic father who wants nothing to do with his children, if they won’t do things his way? I think Will and Jenny have it better. While they will certainly be hurt by the fact that their dad can so easily walk away, they won’t have to deal with the day-to-day dismissals of who they are. They won’t have Mark belittling them or using them as extensions of himself.

In Mark’s lengthy email, he had asked me what I proposed as a solution to this problem – like he’d actually entertain any of my suggestions. He hinted at the possibility of resorting to calling lawyers again, and forcing visitation. I speculated that things would go something like this:

He wouldn’t call the attorney because, after himself, and above all else, money is the most important thing to him. Attorneys cost money.
He would not agree to adapt his behavior in an effort to have a better relationship with these two precious people.
I guessed that he would not address any of the kids’ requests. I was pretty convinced that he’d tell them he was trying his best and that he loved them. Then, as per usual, he would not call a couple days and wait for the dust to settle. Then, on about the fifth day of no contact, he’d call, and with his sing/song voice, he’d invite them to do something, pretending like nothing had ever happened.

I did not guess that he would walk away from his kids. I did not let myself believe that he was as low as he apparently is. I did not see that coming, even though I have written about the fact that, if the accommodator stops being the source, the narcissist will completely dismiss her, and search for a new source. And there lies the trap in all this. As schooled as I may think I am in all this narcissism stuff, there is still something (frickin’ Lizard Brain) that makes it hard to comprehend that another individual – someone I thought I knew, and loved – is capable of such things.

__________ Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 Comments
1
Apr 10

Pretending

cardboard-ipod This is a picture of the cardboard iPod that Jenny made. She brought it skiing today. Her brother got one for Christmas, and she wants to be a ‘cool kid’, too, so she made her own. At lunch, in the lodge, she was playing with her ‘iPod’, and Will said, “Jen, some people are laughing at your iPod.” Jenny defiantly said, “So what!” I hope she’s able to maintain that attitude. Later, she asked if I wanted a pretend iPod. I wanted to say, “Nah. No thanks, honey. I’ve had a pretend boyfriend for almost 3 years. I’m done pretending for awhile.

__________

Speaking of pretending…

The kids emailed their dad in response to his lengthy email. Will’s email was about the way his feelings are hurt when his dad makes fun of the things he loves; when his dad doesn’t acknowledge Will’s interests; and how Mark’s always too busy with his business to have any time for them. Jenny’s email brought up the fact that Mark says he’s going to try – try to be interested, try to use an adult voice, try to spend time with her – and he doesn’t come through.

I insisted on reading the emails before they hit the ‘send’ button. I wasn’t concerned about grammar and spelling as much as I was concerned about… Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — Comments Off
30
Mar 10

Homeschooling and Wasbands

Do you remember the classic “Far Side” cartoon by Gary Larson that has the funky woman talking a blue streak to her dog, and it shows what the dog hears? The dog only hears, “blah blah blah blah, Ginger. blah blah blah blah, Ginger.” It’s 2:30 and I can’t sleep. I got up to write and was greeted by a 1500 word email that was written by Mark.

__________

At the risk of further cementing my membership in the loosely knit Association of Homeschooling Weirdos, I have to tell you what I most love about this homeschooling business. There is nothing quite like being there when they first grasp a concept. I get to be there when that light bulb goes off, and they understand what’s in front of them, and they are filled with pride and possibility. It’s like the looks on their faces when they learn to tie their shoes or ride a bike. It’s something I don’t want to miss.

A few weeks ago, I was helping Will with fractions. I love math. I love the fluidity and fuzzy boundaries of dealing with people and relationships. But when I’m in over my head with that relationship crap, I like to turn to something certain, like math. Even Will says he likes math because, “There’s one right answer.” Sometimes it’s nice to know there is ONE right answer. So we were adding different fractions with different denominators and I was explaining that you have to “get the fractions speaking in the same language – in the same denominator.” I have a decent understanding of what their learning styles are, and what approaches work best for helping them learn. But, I was having a bit of a struggle with the fractions. I put my pencil down, walked out into the living room to take a deep breath, and figure out a new approach, and I came back with a new angle. Suddenly the light bulb went off, and he whizzed through the rest of the exercise. It was fun for both of us. We found a common language, and it was a thing of beauty.

NEWS FLASH: There is NO common language with a narcissist. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 11 Comments
29
Mar 10

Lizard Brain Be Damned!

Last week when we were struggling, Pat sent me some timely reminders, which points to the fact that this blog is becoming a communal effort. I hope others are benefiting as much as the three of us.

The first is actually from a link on my site.

…do not expect them (narcissists) to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you’re bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings…

I don’t think I’ve written a single post that demonstrates Mark’s interest in the kids. It’s pretty clear that he expects them to be a source for his narcissism, and so he’ll feign interest to secure that source. But that interest isn’t genuine, and is subject to withdrawal should the kids fail to meet his standards or stop providing the consistent source that he needs. At one point, when I was still trying to facilitate the kids’ relationship with Mark, he reminded me that, “He just doesn’t like to be around people that don’t like him.” None of us is comfortable hanging where we feel we aren’t liked. He just requires a greater deal of liking than the rest of us. He requires that we like him above all other things. And he won’t stick around unless he feels he’s liked more than anything else.

Incidentally, the kids haven’t heard from Mark since the fabulous skiing episode. Apparently they didn’t like him enough after that adventure. And as I write this, they are both putzing around the house singing, “Busy Being Fabulous“, by the Eagles. I don’t make this stuff up. I swear. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 11 Comments
28
Mar 10

The Mom as Dad

“What’s it like to have a good dad?”

“I don’t know, sweetie.”

“How is it being the mom and the dad?” It sucks.

I can’t throw a football with a decent spiral. I don’t know the first thing about bow hunting. I just don’t understand why burping and farting is always funny. I could learn these things. I could practice and be a mom that throws an amazing spiral, but my plate is full. I want to be a wonderful mom, but dammit, I don’t want to be a wonderful dad. And I can’t be. It’s not the same. I don’t know if a boy even wants to brag about his mom being able to drive a golf ball 275 yards. Not that I can.

The morning after the fabulous ski day with their dad, the kids were working on a fun collaboration where they were filming each other as they told about their dreams. As luck (?) would have it, the night of the skiing incident, Jenny dreamt that John was her dad. He taught her magic tricks and told her exciting stories, and listened as she talked about whatever popped into her head. So Will was filming her as she gave the details of a bizarre adventure that included the three of us and John in some old, resort-like house with lots of hiding places. The house was inhabited by these little gnome people that were made out of clay and they spent their days making wooden furniture. She included enough details to make me think that I ought to phone Tim Burton and Johnny Depp.

In the middle of having her dream talk filmed, she burst into tears. I figured maybe Will had done something to piss her off. (They spend a great deal of time together.) She came to sit on my lap and told me, through big streaming tears, “I just want a good dad.”

So the three of us sat and talked about what a good dad is, and here is their list. Continue reading →