Jenny can’t fall asleep unless she leaves her lamp on. (We’re working on that.) I usually wake somewhere in the night, stumble down the hall, reach over her sweet, eyelash-framed face and quietly turn off the lamp.
Last night was no different. And because I also had to pee, I mistakenly looked in the bathroom mirror.
Here’s the first thing that popped into my head:
“God. Do something with that hair.”
Then it was, “Can’t you find some better looking pajamas?”
Followed quickly by, “When are you gonna buy some of those whitening strips? Everyone else is walking around with luminescent teeth. What’s your problem?”
I turned off the light, crawled back in bed, and after letting out a long sigh, I thought…
“Give It A Rest!
Let this woman be.
Can’t you see she’s trying?
It’s the middle of the night! Can you let up on her for one minute? Why do you always have to find the negative? How about saying something kind, for a change?”
And then my brain took a turn in a completely new direction.
This is where it went…
- Stop those mean thoughts. Right now.
- Find something you like about yourself, and – at the risk of being narcissistic – think on that for awhile.
- If that doesn’t work, treat yourself the way you treat the kids – except for the way you treated Jen the other day when you yelled at her out of anger and frustration at yourself, because you were wallowing in feeling pudgy and ugly, and exhausted from dragging yourself up the last year in this decade of the 40s.
- Sink back into those pillows, get some sleep for this body that could be worse, and greet the morning without the usual angst and toxicity that follows that first cup of coffee.
- Go outside and breathe some fresh air.
- Go for a walk.
- Smile at yourself.
- Then get in the car and get some of those whitening strips and some Monster Spray for the Lady With The Mean Voice.
Question: Are survivors of narcissistic relationships more critical of themselves than the average hyper-critical, magazine-reading, teeth-whitening-strip-using, hair-obsessed, muffin-top-fighting, but still lovable, kindhearted woman? Or are we all this mean to ourselves?
Last week I got a 
As I walked through Target looking for something to get the kids for Easter, I passed the poofy, over-the-top Easter Dresses. I remember getting a couple Easter Dresses for Jenny.
Gawd!
“There’s no such thing as certainty.”
I haven’t been in a hurry to get back to this place. My brain still feels like it’s coming off of a shot of novacaine.
I walk by this chair multiple times a day. I’ve swept the dust bunnies of cat hair away from the rolled paper legs. I’ve straightened the legs after one of us has cut the corner too tight and clipped the edge of the chair on our way to the kitchen. Each time I walk by, I wonder what it might be like to be light enough to sit down on this delicate chair.
“Mom, will you help me make a bunch of paper airplanes? I’m making an Army of Love.” Jenny showed me how to fold the paper, told me the color order and where the gas tank went, and we made 13 paper jets. As we were folding and coloring and giggling and talking of paper cuts, I asked her how she came up with the idea. “I dunno,” she said. “It’s a good idea. I think they should fly over the world dropping candy hearts, like little love bombs.”
I can’t deliver a swift ass-kicking to Mubarak, save all those children and spread a blanket of calm and peace over Egypt.
