Do as I say, not as I do.
I tell them to examine how they feel when they are with someone. If the energy feels good, pursue that relationship. If you feel icky or drained, re-think whether you want to spend time with that person.
They see me foster relationships that leave me depleted.
I didn’t intentionally try to be someone else.
My heart was in the right place.
Really.
But it appears that I’ve been pretending that I’m not an INFJ. And because I’m pretending to be other than I am, I find myself barking at my kids, nursing a messed up stomach, dropping the ball on this blog, and burying myself in scrubbing floors and cleaning cupboards in an attempt to get back to where I was.
Only I’m not sure how to get back there. Continue reading →
“So what if I kept the conversation going on your projects? I’ll ask the questions and then maybe dad will join in. What do you think?”
We were taking a long walk through the neighborhood, trying to come up with a plan to suit both kids for the next day’s dad visit. As we walked, we watched charcoal storm clouds build south of town.
That should have been my first clue.
Jen said, “I know how that will go. I’ll answer you and start talking about a project, and he’ll quit listening, like he always does.”
Jen walked to the edge of the street when she saw a car coming. Will had to be made aware of the car. (That pretty much sums up my experiences parenting a boy and a girl.) Continue reading →
“Will they think I’m weird if I’m repelling off the play structure?”
“Who?”
“The neighbors.”
“They already think we’re weird.”
The three of us were walking across the park to the play structure. Jenny was carrying a climbing rope and harness. She’d come up with a new game – strategically place 10 bind weed blossoms and try to retrieve them without letting her feet touch the ground. In some cases, she needed to repel down and pick up the blossoms because she couldn’t access them from the structure any other way.
Will came along to watch. “Why do you care what the neighbors think?”
Jenny climbed the stairs of the play structure. “I don’t. Really. Well… I dunno. Is this weird?”
It was my job to gather the pink blossoms and place them around the structure. We had the whole park to ourselves. The sun was high and hot. I was wondering how long this was going to take. “If it’s fun, does it matter if it’s weird? Well, not too weird, I mean.” I found two more blossoms, “I hate wearing flips* to the park. Too many pokeys.”
Will laughed as he tried to fit his long legs and arms into the only bit of shade. “People aren’t really paying attention to what you are doing anyway. They’re mostly thinking about how they look and what they are doing.”
I looked up from hiding the last blossom. “That’s right. Where’d you hear that?”
“You told me that.”
I squeezed into the shade next to Will, “And you listened?”
*A million years ago, I lived in Redondo Beach for a couple months. I was asked to show my ID at a shop. When the cashier saw I was from Montana, he looked down at my feet and said, “Wow! They wear thongs (I told you it was a long time ago) in Montana?”
He’s a teenager.
We used to read each other’s mind. I’d leave him in the living room with a stack of blocks and head to the kitchen to get him a snack. He didn’t know that I was on my way to open the fridge, but he’d yell, “Bwuebewwies, pwease!”
And that’s how it was for years.
It did happen the other day in the car. We heard a song on the radio and we simultaneously referenced a video we’d seen about an amazing guy who turned a carrot into a flute or saxophone – some orange wind instrument. Anyway, on occasion, Will and I are actually on the same page.
The family had split into separate canoes some time ago. Initially, the paddling was difficult. The water was choppy and the canoe carrying the mother and the two children took on water more times than not. The father was in a canoe by himself. He didn’t seem to mind the rough waters. Truth be told, he seemed to prefer making waves and watching the other three struggle to keep their canoe afloat.
In time, the three found their rhythm. They paddled in sync and enjoyed the view. It wasn’t always smooth sailing, but they became adept at riding out the storms. They’d hunker down, breathe through the rapids, remember not to hang on too tightly (because that makes the ride more tense), and make each other laugh.
More recently, when his canoe approached, he’d be paddling more gently. She dared to believe that he might not want to rock their boat anymore. A couple sunny days found the canoes gliding side by side as the four exchanged stories of golf, fishing, and fairy gardens.
One afternoon, both canoes were beached as the four discussed a possible journey to be taken by the father and the two children. The mother was included, and they all smiled through the conversation. The talking was easy. Each opinion was heard. The children were asked to think about the proposed adventure and let the father know, the next day, if they planned to go with him. Continue reading →
I was cutting grass, head down, thinking about how the warm weather had finally gotten here as he wheeled around the corner on his scooter. I looked up to see a seven year old wearing a wrinkled, too small t-shirt and an expectant look on his face. I quit cutting and said, “How are you this morning?” He bounced in place, hopping on and off his scooter, “I’m okay. I wish I could play with my friends that live over there.” He pointed to a house a few doors down. “I bet you do. Maybe they like to sleep in on Saturday mornings. A lot of folks do that. It feels good, don’t you think?” He looked at me as he thought about it, “Yeah, I guess it does.”
And because I wanted to get my chores done so I could play in the sun, I went back to cutting the grass. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him watching me until he gave up and went back home.
A few minutes later, I heard the sounds of a basketball being dribbled around the corner. The sound kept getting louder. I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t look up at him. I can give you all the reasons why I didn’t. I’m not convinced that I could justify my reasons.
I kept cutting grass with my head down, listening to the basketball, afraid to strike up another conversation. If I chatted with him, he’d end up hanging in our driveway, drawing chalk smiley faces, eating cinnamony toast and finagling an invite to lunch. Only that’s not what he was hungry for. I know what he was hungry for. He was hungry for attention. Why else would a seven year old bounce a basketball in front of a middle-aged woman that he didn’t know – for what seemed like five solid minutes? Continue reading →
Dear Jesse,
I like how you set out to read more and then started reading more. I watch you walk into the library. I know you are planning to look for some fantasy fiction or maybe a good mystery. I see you standing in front of the ‘New Books’ section. I see your eyes scanning the shelves. I watch as your hand reaches up to grab yet another non-fiction about narcissism or relationships or parenting.
Dear heart, you’ve read enough. You’ve seen the patterns. You know that the reason you keep ending up with narcissists in your life is because that’s what you learned as a kid.
Yeah, I know you are gun-shy about getting into a new relationship. That’s certainly understandable. All the reading in the world won’t prepare you for the next time. Your heart will know when it’s time. I can’t tell you how a new relationship might turn out. That’s not my job. It’s your job to get out there and keep trying.
“What did dad want?”
I put the cell down and said, “Well, he wants to come by here and pick up some of Will’s sketches. He wants to make copies of them.”
Silence….
“Jen, are you okay?”
“Sure. I’m fine,” spoken like a mini-me.
“Jen, it would make sense to get your feelings hurt when your dad comes over here, plucks some of Will’s sketches off the kitchen wall – that hang right next to your sketches – without his asking to take any of your work. That would hurt feelings. You can admit that.”
“I know.”
A couple hours later…
“Guys! I don’t know what to do here. I have been working on avoiding anything negative. I try to banish negative self-talk and avoid negative conversations. I’m trying to make progress here. I don’t want a cloud hanging over this happy sanctuary that is our home.
Jen, you are the most positive person I know. Will, you don’t have a negative bone in your body. But how do I handle it when something like this happens with your dad? How do I avoid any discussion about this?
If I let it slide by without acknowledging the potential for hurt feelings, it appears that I’m fine with his actions. And that’s definitely not the case.
If I bring it to light, then I can’t do so without dipping into the negative.
What would you do?”
Will looks up from his work, “Well, we have to talk about it so that Jen knows that we don’t agree with how he treats her. It sucks, and it’s not right.”
Jen comes out from the kitchen, “We have to talk about it so that we don’t end up being crappy parents with our own kids. We have to know what to avoid, but we don’t have to dwell on it. We can just talk about it and move on and not let the negative take over.”
“Mom, you know what I noticed about you? You are organized.”
I have to be organized.
I know when the cat needs shots; when to change the furnace filter; the best time to plant sweet pea seeds (weather permitting); and when the frog needs his (or her?) water changed. Continue reading →
“Do I have to?”
“Honey, two runs a couple times a ski season, and that’s it. It won’t kill ya, and it’s way better than a whole ski day with him.”
She buckles her boots and sighs, “I know.”
“I’ll be waiting for you at the bottom of the lift.” I can see she’s nervous. I can see her eyes are already losing their sparkle. She’s dreading these two runs with every fiber of her being. Normally she gets herself ready, but now she’s stalling. As I wrap the fleece scarf around her face and neck I remind her that it doesn’t matter what he says, “You are an awesome skier. Just ignore his words.”
Forty years later, we’ll step off that hamster wheel and wonder if it’s worth it. We’ll turn to our kids and start to say, “Hey, I dunno if this is such a good idea.”
They won’t hear us over the din of their own spinning wheels.
A woman walks into a bar…
She self-consciously focuses on her purse as the bartender approaches and asks, “What’ll you have?”
“I’ll have VO and water, please.”
The bartender pulls down a glass, “One of those days, huh?”
She fumbles with her wallet, “Not yet, but it will be by the time my kids get home. They’re with their dad right now.” Continue reading →
A child’s world is full of boundaries – boundaries designed to keep her out of harm’s way and help her get along in society.
“Stay on this side of the fence.”
“Don’t go beyond the hill.”
“Don’t play in the street.”
“Keep your hands to yourself.” Continue reading →
“Will, you’re blinking a lot. What’s up?”
“Nothing.”
“Is it about the trip?”
“No. Yeah. I dunno… I guess.”
I put down my mug and said, “Tell me.” Continue reading →
