“I can’t believe we haven’t really talked since before we were both married.”
“… and divorced.”
“Yeah. That, too. So how are you doing with it all… the being divorced?”
“Well, I’m sleeping. I’m eating. My stomach doesn’t hurt all the time. I’m not afraid to get out of bed in the morning. How are you feeling?”
“Same for me. I’m not waking in the middle of the night with panic attacks. For the first time since… oh…. probably when I was newly married, I look forward to things.” Continue reading →
Take:
Mix together without criticism, judgment, hovering or micro-managing on the part of adults.
Judiciously add laughter, warm-hearted teasing, big smiles and ice cubes for fingers that get in a tangle with the glue gun.
Include dollops of encouragement and one chunk of unscheduled time.
Result: A kid who finds positive energy and self-confidence when expressing herself through her own creativity. (She’ll make happy memories with her uncle, too.)
Tyranny is unjust, harsh, oppressive, and abusive, but most importantly, it lacks legitimacy. This describes my marriage and continues to be my experience with the Narcissist. If you have been involved with a narcissist, I am sure you can relate to counting the days until you are completely free to cut all communications.
I am hoping to survive the next 8 years and 4 months without going completely broke or found guilty in contempt of court. He has promised both of these gifts to me.
There was a time, shortly after I left him, that he tried to convince me that we could work it out. Every poem, flower delivery, and byline of “I love you” made my stomach cringe. I recognized that person from a distant memory – the one who wooed and impressed me so long ago. The harder he tried, the worse the nausea got. There was something punching me from the inside screaming to be strong and end it. It knew he was lying then. I knew he was lying then… playing a part to save face. Now I am reminded often that I was right.
Here is a snippet of what I receive now in my Inbox:
“An interesting email, however you sound like a bad campaign speech. You have not answered a single question and spout unfounded accusations.” Continue reading →
You could make a conscious choice to give up on pursuing your dreams, your goals and your passions.
You could end relationships with best friends from college, family members and the women in your book club.
You could always eat at her favorite restaurant, wear your hair the way he likes, decorate your house to please her, cook only his favorite meals, and forget that you ever had preferences of your own.
You could have conversations where you do all the listening and never get to speak of what is on your mind or in your heart.
She said, “Mom, how much longer do I have to do these dad visits?”
What would you say?
It’s highly unlikely that you’d get your favorite narcissist to spend an afternoon carving pumpkins with you. They have much more important things to do.
But… if you find yourself on a day when the stars have aligned, the weather isn’t nice enough to do anything else, and you’ve sourced/doted on/adored your narcissist enough, he may acquiesce.
If he agrees, be prepared to hear some of the following:
“Hey, let’s keep the mess on the table. Try to keep all the goo on the paper so it doesn’t get all over the house.”
“We don’t need those pattern thingys. Can’t you borrow some pumpkin carving tools from your mom? I don’t want to have to spend any more than I have to on this project. Besides, I can draw better than the folks that make those patterns.”
“Did you really just get pumpkin slime on your t-shirt?”
“Don’t draw the eyes so close together, that’s not what pumpkins look like.”
“We’ll keep these pumpkins at my house. You guys get your own.”
“Make the mouth bigger. You won’t be able to see it from the street.”
“No, that’s not how to do the eyes. Here, let me show you.”
“Hey, watch it! You got some on the floor.”
“Push up your sleeves. You’re getting it all over everything.”
“You guys aren’t listening to me.”
At this point, the narcissist sighs deeply, asks you to hand him your tools and says, “Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t you two go watch a show and I’ll finish the pumpkins. That way they’ll be done right.”
On second thought, don’t ask your favorite narcissist if he wants to carve pumpkins with you.
“How come he says I can use his camera, and then he tells me what pictures to take, and how to take ’em?”
“He can’t help it. He thinks what you do is part of who he is, and whatever he does has to look good to the rest of the world. That means that what you do has to look good, too. “
“Well why does he care so much about what the rest of the world thinks?”
“Because he doesn’t feel good about himself. If he can convince the world that he is awesome, then he’ll like himself better.” Continue reading →
Braced against the sheer, shaley side of a ravine, holding the handle bar of his bike, he yelled, “Dad! Dad, I need help here. I’m about to lose my bike! Dad! Help!” He was torn between letting his bike fall to the 15 foot pool at the base of the ravine, or worse, falling with his bike.
He was able to reach his water bottle. After taking a sip, he tried to yell again, but he couldn’t get his dad’s attention. He would have to hang on longer.
He waited, balanced on the brink, wondering why he’d agreed to go on another one of these all-day adventures.
The adventures had gotten better now that he was older, but he still ended up with an upset stomach from the exposure and risk that his dad took for granted.
A month ago, we told Mark that his scheduled visits weren’t working for us.
He had been the one to print the calendars and assign the visit days and hours per visit. He delivered the calendars sometimes two months in advance and, in most cases, refused to be flexible saying, “The calendar was printed two months ago. The kids know the schedule. There will be no changes or cancellations.”
Life doesn’t work that way – especially with curious, creative, active young people.
Cousins come to town and want to spend every waking – heck, even the sleeping – moment with cousins they see only once a year.
Friends call with invites to fish or solve mysteries or paint or golf or just hang out all day without plans. Continue reading →
“I braid your hair almost every morning. How come today I can’t remember how to do this? It’s like my fingers checked out and they aren’t listening to my brain.”
I started over from the top. This time I quit thinking about it. I let my fingers do the work and thought about something else. I watched as my hands worked together – pulling in new strands and overlapping them.
“Hand me a ponytail holder. It’s done.”
Jenny laughed and asked, “How did you remember what to do?”
“I quit thinking about what to do and let my fingers do what they do every morning. I got my brain out of the way. I’ve been telling Will that he ought to do the same thing with his golf swing. He needs to quit thinking about it and just swing.” Continue reading →
The third anniversary of this blog quietly came and went.
__________
I harvested pales of fresh raspberries and discussed freezer jam recipes.
I collected rocks with Jen and counted the different types of butterflies that landed on the wildflowers beside the cabin. We lost track of the count when we spied two frogs in a rain puddle.
I took pictures of a grinning Will and the trout he was catching. Continue reading →
“Is it okay if I make a cake from scratch?”
“Yeah, honey, that’s okay. Are you okay if I work on this mess?”
“Sure! Then I can have the kitchen to myself.”
She asked a couple questions, pulled out the canisters and remembered to keep the dry ingredients separate from the wet.
“How much flour should I add?” Continue reading →
