Random Observations « Surviving Narcissism

Random Observations

What To Do With A Crate of Lemons

Sunday evening someone left a big wooden crate of lemons on my front step. There were lemons spilling out of the crate and rolling down the steps into my front yard.

Lemons were everywhere.

Oh, what to do with all those lemons.

While I could have decided not to bring the lemons inside, that thought never occurred to me. I picked up the lemons that had rolled down the stairs and brought them into the house. I went back out to get the crate. I placed them all on the kitchen table.

Jenny’s best friend was spending the night, so Jenny was happily oblivious, and didn’t even notice the lemons. Will helped me pick up lemons, all the while asking questions. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 19 Comments
4
Jun 11

The Commencement Address I Wish I’d Heard

Congratulations! You did it!

Pat yourself on the back. While that might be the only pat you get, it’s the only one that matters.

You’ve proven that you can sit still, be quiet, stand in line and follow rules. Those skills will come in handy.

Now it’s time to create your future.

You don’t have to know what that is today. In fact, you don’t have to have a plan. You don’t have to pursue a title or a label or lots of dollars. You do, however, owe it to yourself to find something you love doing.

How do you know what that is, you ask? Continue reading →

Random Observations / Recipes — 14 Comments
29
May 11

Asparagus and Cappuccino

He fed her the most tender, slightly salted sprigs of asparagus. Each bite tasted like Spring.

He’d shown her how to snap the ends, rather than using a knife. He left the thin shoots in the pan of boiling water just long enough to turn bright green. He drained them and ran cold water over them and placed them on a towel to dry. He said that when they were cooked and chilled, just so, they wouldn’t need butter.

He was right.

He’d also introduced her to the ritualistic steps of making a good cappuccino without the hissing and drips and mess of some new-fangled machine. He slowly warmed whole milk in a saucepan. As the milk warmed he made strong coffee in a French Press. He put a teaspoon-full of sugar in the bottom of a sturdy mug. Just before he poured the dark coffee and hot milk together into the mug, he whisked the steaming milk to a froth.

They sat across from each other, at the tiny two-person kitchen table next to the window, in the cramped little apartment he shared with a roommate, who was – conveniently – never there.

He never made her feel like she was uncultured or inexperienced. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 21 Comments
20
May 11

Not Your Typical Birthday Post

As I sit here sipping coffee, smelling blueberry pancakes and looking at the birthday presents my kids made and wrapped, I can’t help but think I ought to be writing an inspirational post about what it’s like to be turning 49. Gasp!

I could write about 49 lessons learned in 49 years. That might be tricky since many of those lessons I didn’t get the first, second, or even third time, so that list could get pretty redundant.

I could write about being grateful that my mom is still here to make me what I want for my birthday dinner.

I could write about the surprise of my dad remembering my birthday, inviting me to lunch and suggesting that Jen and Will come along, too.

Or, I could mention the amazing growth I’ve experienced in the last few years, from learning all I can about narcissism and how that has helped the three of us.

I could write about how blessed the three of us are with old and new friends, wonderful extended family and the folks who read this blog and contribute to our learning and healing.

But while I’m sitting here waiting for Will to serve me a second pancake, smothered in butter and a splash of real maple syrup, I have to say that I’m wondering if there’s anything to this Rapture/End-Of-Our-Days stuff, that is supposed to happen tomorrow.

I can’t get beyond thinking….

Holy Shit! If this Rapture stuff is true, I won’t have to spend the whole next year agonizing about turning 50!

Woot!

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 9 Comments
19
May 11

You Tell Me

So…

I received what I thought was a spam comment, only I wasn’t sure. It/he/she said, “I can’t view your site from my phone. Help!” So I got to looking and checking on plugins and upgrades and CSS stuff. I even considered pursuing a degree in Computer Software or How to Pretend Like You Know What You Are Doing With Computers, and then I thought I’d ask you.

Would you like to be able to view this site on your phone?

What would you like to see here?

Is there a subject you’d like to see discussed?

Are there topics or discussions that you’d like to see more of?

I am loving my random approach to topics, but I always go back to thinking of the survivors out there and the ones who read here. I want to continue to share the tools that have helped the three of us.

If there’s something that you’d like to see here, that you think would help your corner of the world, please list that in the comment section below.

Thank you, spammer or nice person or whatever you are for asking about how to view this blog on your phone.

One day I might be savvy enough, or even care to want to view a blog on my phone. Don’t hold your breath. I’d have to wrestle my phone away from Will, first.

In the meantime, thank you for reading, commenting, and recommending this blog to your friends. This site only gets richer if more take part in the sharing.

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 24 Comments
16
May 11

A Charmed Life

skater-dude The front door flew open. I looked up just in time to see him toss his helmet on the couch. “Mom! You got the house phone, right? Did dad call?”

“Not yet, Will. You sent a bunch of texts and a couple voice mails. He must be busy. He’ll get back to you.”

Against all odds, Will had invited his dad to check out the remaining snow on the ski hill. It was the sort of outing that Mark usually suggested, so there was a good chance he might consider going. In fact, Mark had said that it sounded like a good thing to do on a Sunday since he’d be done with work. Later, when Will realized what he was in for, he said, “What did I do that for? Why did I invite dad? I always think it sounds like a good idea, but it’s never that great when we actually go.”

That’s how it is for the child of a narcissist – they crave the attention of that narcissistic parent like any kid craves attention from a parent, only when they get the attention, they usually end up hurt, rejected or dismissed. Or, they get hurt when the parent doesn’t show up, even if there’s a sense of relief that they are spared another unpleasant visit. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 29 Comments
13
May 11

On Antiperspirant and Aha Moments

dandelions She’d just walked in the back door from checking on the neighbor’s dog. Time to start baking treats for the church banquet and making calls to beg for donations for the school fundraiser, in between loads of laundry. She had the T.V. on for background noise, even though she didn’t have time to watch anything.

Her Aha Moment was delivered by the Power of Oprah, as so many Aha Moments are, these days.

She paused long enough to lean against the kitchen counter, a spatula in one hand, cell phone in the other. She ignored the sound of the dryer buzzer while she let Oprah’s message sink in.

She would be turning 50 soon, and she finally realized that she’d spent her entire life in a flurry of activity trying to please, make nice, and earn love, all because she never really felt love coming from her mom.

After taking the clothes out of the drying, and de-panning the rest of the chocolate chip cookies, she sent me an email. Continue reading →

Quotes / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 5 Comments
10
May 11

On Creativity

I can’t wait for her to be done so she can move the lamp that’s just above my face, and upright my chair. After more sloshing, whirring and sucking sounds, she finishes. She asks a couple questions about Jen and Will and homeschooling. She tells me about her son’s recent fall and how quickly the break healed.

She moves the lamp and returns my chair to the upright position and steps out to answer the phone.

I’ve been going to the same dentist for almost 20 years. Some visits I’m placed in a chair where I can’t see the quote. The framed quote has been on the window wall since I’ve been going to his office. I can’t remember when I didn’t want a copy. The quote is printed on yellowing parchment. The frame is heavy, brown painted wood.

Last week I finally wrote it down…

On Creativity

The man who follows the crowd, will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been before.

Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being ahead of your time is that when people finally realize you were right, they’ll say it was obvious all along.

You have two choices in life: You can dissolve into the mainstream, or you can be distinct. To be distinct, you must be different. To be different, you must strive to be what no one else but you can be.

— Alan Ashley-Pitt

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations — 10 Comments
6
May 11

The Deer or the Tick

She dipped another bite of chicken in ketchup, and stared out the window.

I could see she was contemplating something, but I asked, “Are you going to take that bite?”

She put the fork down and got off her stool. Then, in uncharacteristic fashion, she picked up the stool and slammed it on the floor five times. She sat back down and said, “There!”

I looked at Will to gauge his reaction. This wasn’t like Jenny at all.

“Um, Jen… what was that about?”

“I’m just frustrated with dad. I’m tired of crying. Eight year old girls shouldn’t pout, it’s embarrassing, so I figured I’d slam my stool a few times. I do feel a little better, except look at all the junk on the floor from slamming the stool. Sorry about that.”

_____

I could have launched into another of my “motivating” talks about how feelings are important.

It’s good to talk about it.
I know how you feel.
What’s the funny part of this story?
Do you really want to be in a funk right now?
Let’s choose a new attitude.

blah blah blah blah blah

I’m tired of hearing myself say the same things over and over again. I have to think they are tired of hearing the same things, too.

So I acknowledged her frustrations. I let her calm herself down. I think I said something wise like, “That sucks, doesn’t it?”

We finished dinner and went outside to skateboard, draw on the sidewalk with chalk, laugh at the cat and walk the hill.

_____

The next morning we eased into home school in our most favorite way – I read a couple chapters to them.

This is the pearl we uncovered that morning:

“… your pain, like all you feel, is great. Yet I fear that instead of stepping through your pain, as you and I have stepped through many a marsh, you have let it cling to you, like the blood-thirsty tick that rides our backs for months on end.” —Eremon, the stag

an excerpt from T.A. Barron’s book, The Fires of Merlin

Therein lies the power in storytelling.

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 17 Comments
4
May 11

Three Candles

candles-before They’d been walking hand-in-hand down the sunny side of Main Street. She stopped in front of a window displaying candles, flower arrangements, leather-bound journals, potpourri sachets and tiny jars of hand creams. Just then the door opened and they were enveloped by floral and citrus scents, sandalwood and patchouli.

Against his resistance, she pulled him inside the boutique. She’d eyed these tiny clear blue votive holders. They spoke to her of honesty, purity, timelessness, commitment and truth – all the things she believed she felt in this relationship with this man holding her hand. They were a symbol of this new life full of promise and light.

She had to have them.

She could see herself – at the end of a day – lighting these candles to remind her of how lucky they were to find each other. These candles would bring them close together at those times when life would get in the way and try to drag them apart. These lit candles would be the glue that held them together.

She was sure that some nights he would light the candles for her or, at the very least, he’d light them with her. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 17 Comments
30
Apr 11

Middle-Of-The-Night Musings

night-light Jenny can’t fall asleep unless she leaves her lamp on. (We’re working on that.) I usually wake somewhere in the night, stumble down the hall, reach over her sweet, eyelash-framed face and quietly turn off the lamp.

Last night was no different. And because I also had to pee, I mistakenly looked in the bathroom mirror.

Here’s the first thing that popped into my head:

“God. Do something with that hair.”

Then it was, “Can’t you find some better looking pajamas?”

Followed quickly by, “When are you gonna buy some of those whitening strips? Everyone else is walking around with luminescent teeth. What’s your problem?”

I turned off the light, crawled back in bed, and after letting out a long sigh, I thought…

“Give It A Rest!

Let this woman be.

Can’t you see she’s trying?

It’s the middle of the night! Can you let up on her for one minute? Why do you always have to find the negative? How about saying something kind, for a change?”

And then my brain took a turn in a completely new direction.

This is where it went…

Stop those mean thoughts. Right now.
Find something you like about yourself, and – at the risk of being narcissistic – think on that for awhile.
If that doesn’t work, treat yourself the way you treat the kids – except for the way you treated Jen the other day when you yelled at her out of anger and frustration at yourself, because you were wallowing in feeling pudgy and ugly, and exhausted from dragging yourself up the last year in this decade of the 40s.
Sink back into those pillows, get some sleep for this body that could be worse, and greet the morning without the usual angst and toxicity that follows that first cup of coffee.
Go outside and breathe some fresh air.
Go for a walk.
Smile at yourself.
Then get in the car and get some of those whitening strips and some Monster Spray for the Lady With The Mean Voice.

Question: Are survivors of narcissistic relationships more critical of themselves than the average hyper-critical, magazine-reading, teeth-whitening-strip-using, hair-obsessed, muffin-top-fighting, but still lovable, kindhearted woman? Or are we all this mean to ourselves?

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 13 Comments
20
Apr 11

It’s On Me

charcoal-sweater Gawd!

I’m doing it again.

I’m complaining…

about the weather;

about Mark;

about Kevlar Man;

about my hair;

about this little town I live in;

about my to-do list;

about the weather. (I meant to type that a second time.)

I’m wallowing in the deep, muddy grooves of my fallback position – that of the negative, the pessimistic, the gloomy and the down.

Quick! Somebody stuff a sock in my mouth.

Enter @PicsieChick –

Her gentle, sweet spirit, carried on the wings of butterflies – even in the depths of this season pretending to be Spring – sent this tweet:

How are you making your day fabulous today?

Yes! She’s right! It’s my job to make my day fabulous.

It’s not Mother Nature’s job.

It’s not Mark’s job. ha… ha…

It’s not Will’s job or Jen’s job.

It’s not Kevlar Man’s job.

It’s on ME to make my day fabulous.

I started with a little half and half and a pinch of sugar in the coffee I usually drink black to avoid extra calories. Muffin-top be damned!

Then I answered some of the questions on Will’s worksheet – for him – to spread the fabulousness to him.

I sent Jenny outside with her roller blades and a dusting of the fabulous sprinkles.

I cranked the music on Pandora.

I called to offer to watch a friend’s cat while she heads out of town. (Yes, offering help is a way to make my day fabulous.)

I opted to make the kids what they want for lunch, instead of what I feel like making.

And now, to work on my book.

It’s on me to make this day the way it can be – fabulous.

p.s. Yes, I’ll be wearing my favorite sweater, too.

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 16 Comments
16
Apr 11

Playing For Keeps

faux pearl cuff “There’s no such thing as certainty.”

“Take it one day at a time.”

“People grow and change.”

“Forever is for Twinkies and the winter of 2010-2011.”

“There are no guarantees in life.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 4 Comments
10
Apr 11

Lessons From the Road

bridge-at-hoover-dam I haven’t been in a hurry to get back to this place. My brain still feels like it’s coming off of a shot of novacaine.

The lights are on, but no one’s home.

Before the numbness wears off and I lose the sweetness of escape, I need to jot down a few notes about why it’s good to get away.

There’s no point in going if I don’t like what I come home to. Escaping only makes real life more difficult to handle and harder to swallow. (You may be surprised to hear that we are happy to be home.)

Leaving for awhile gives me the ability to see the forest instead of the trees I keep running into. The trees seem less daunting from a distance. It’s good to get away to get the big picture.

Continue reading →

Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 13 Comments
30
Mar 11

It’s My Vacation and I’ll Cry If I Want To

I took my mess with me on vacation. You see, I am my Mess.

I bought Allison Nazarian’s book. I hoped to read it on vacation, from cover to cover. I enjoyed the first three pages between cocktails, horseshoes, walking, badminton, washing dishes generated from fabulously cooked meals, riding bikes, driving around to see all there was to see, putting band aids on blisters, making more cocktails and playing that game where you throw the golf balls on the strings at the frame made out of pvc pipes.

I scrambled to make sure that I kept my kids happy, my mom happy and my man happy.

My stepdad can fend for himself.

God bless that man.

Midway through the week, at 2 a.m., I found myself on the fast train to a crying jag. Apparently, accommodators should not attempt to please more than three individuals at any one time, without risking total collapse. I was in dangerous territory. Continue reading →