Random Observations « Surviving Narcissism

Random Observations

Beware of Nice Narcissists

Nice feels good. Nice looks good.

Nice smooths rough edges, makes conversations less awkward, and hides ugliness.

There’s a plaque above my cupboard that says, Because Nice Matters. Another sign at the front door reads, Be nice or go away.

For a long time, I firmly believed that the world would be better off if we would all be a little nicer. What if we always made casseroles and brought them to those recuperating from surgery? What if we remembered birthdays and sent cards? What if we gave up our seat on the bus and held the door and remembered to shut our mouths when we couldn’t think of anything nice to say.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / My Minimalism / Random Observations — 2 Comments
13
May 13

My Elevator Pitch

I’m on my way to a dentist appointment. I’m wearing a cotton skirt, sandals, a faded denim blouse and a smile. I can’t remember the last time I wore nylons or had a manicure. I’m thinking about how much more garden I have to turn up before we get to start planting. I make a mental note to stop at the hardware store after the dentist. I’ll get washers to fix the hose, check out the bedding plants and grab a bag of briquettes. It’s warm enough for burgers on the grill tonight. The sun tea should be ready in time for dinner.

The elevator doors close and a woman in a tailored business suit turns, looks me up and down and says, “So what do you do?”

“Hi.

Um.

Well…

I guide two outstanding young people through the minefield of dealing with a narcissistic parent. I homeschool, practice living on a budget, and work from home. I wrote a couple motivational books for those in difficult relationships, and I’m working on a novel. I blog about narcissism to shed light on NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Through stories and pictures, I show how good life can be when brave steps are taken to leave an abusive relationship. Creativity, humor and harmony are on my list of priorities, right after my kids, reading and sleep. I drink too much coffee and try not to take myself too seriously.

Thanks for asking.

What do you do?”

The doors opened. As she stepped one heel out of the elevator, she looked over her shoulder and said, “Are you hiring?”

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Random Observations — 8 Comments
3
May 13

Spiders Versus Narcissists

I watched the desert dust go down the drain and reached for a towel. As I stood up after wrapping my hair, I saw the spider. It had been hiding in the folds of the towel, minding its own business. I stepped from the shower and laughed at myself.

In the old days, I’d have let out a scream. I learned to stifle screams at a young age. The best deterrent for a little girl is to have her dad make fun of her when she screams at a big hairy spider. (Those screams inside my head were louder than the ones I dared to let out.)

More recently, I would have grabbed a shoe and attacked the critter. If Jenny had been standing there, I would have gone into action and saved the day.

I pulled the shower curtain closed, leaving the spider to crawl up the damp stall.

I got to thinking about what scares me now.

I’m not afraid to travel alone with two kids.

I’m not afraid of heights, but I do hang on to Will and Jenny when they venture too close to the edge.

I’m not afraid of the dark or spiders or monsters under the bed.

I’m not afraid of strangers or big cities or camping in the woods.

I’m not afraid of wrinkles or gray hairs or mirrors. (I am making progress on getting over my fear of swim suits.)

I’ve lived with narcissists.

Not much scares me any more.

Moving On / Random Observations — 2 Comments
18
Apr 13

On Spring Cleaning, Fly Fishing and Hard Feelings

My idea of spring cleaning consists of blowing the dust off the stuff on the high shelf just enough to release the cobwebs that are anchored there. When a quick puff didn’t take care of things, I reached up to pull this jar down. It’s been on my bathroom shelf since we moved to this home.

I wiped off six years of dust and handed the jar to Jenny. As she took the rocks out, one by one, she commented on their smoothness and wondered where I’d found them.

“Your dad and I used to fly fish before Will was born. I was always on the lookout for rocks when I wasn’t casting the line.”

“How come you hardly ever fish anymore?”

“Well, things change when you have babies. Someone needs to tend to the baby and that leaves the other person free to fish. I was tending to babies, your dad did the fishing. I guess I got wrapped up with kids and forgot I liked to fish.” Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Random Observations / Stories — 8 Comments
26
Feb 13

On Packing Light

Meet me on the hill – the one where
we used to start at the top and race to the bottom.

Remember how we’d pick the sunniest day
and wait until after lunch
when the grass had sunned enough to be warm.

We’d start at the base of the biggest tree,
lay on our sides,
stretch our lean bodies and scream as we rolled,
mowing over dandelions and Johnny Jump Ups.

We’d make crooked zigzags all the way down,
and for the length of the ride,
the world turned into a blur of puffy clouds and green grass.

We’d reach the bottom,
gasping and laughing.
We wouldn’t even brush off our knees
before we started back up again,
pumping skinny arms and legs to reach the top. Continue reading →

Homeschool / My Minimalism / Parenting / Random Observations / Tools — 4 Comments
19
Feb 13

Getting To Mindful

I’d swear my body was in the chair next to the fire. I could see the cat curled under the wood stove. Will was wearing a head lamp, while sitting in the rocking chair. Jen was camped in her favorite corner. They were both quietly reading.

I was reading a myth from Women Who Run With the Wolves, and I lost track of time and place. I was completely immersed in the story, focused on the words on the page. I finished a chapter, looked up from the book and glanced around to see what I had missed.

They didn’t notice. Apparently, it’s easier for kids to get lost in books. I’d forgotten what that was like.

I didn’t think about having to feed the wood stove or break up a fight between kids. The television wasn’t blaring, the dishes were done. There was no other place to take my mind to.

It was delicious. Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Random Observations — 3 Comments
17
Feb 13

Let This Be Enough

In this moment, let quiet beauty be enough.

Moving On / Quotes / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 4 Comments
15
Feb 13

Words Got Her Out

A few more boxes to pack and load into the car and she’d be done.

She thumbed through magazine clippings that had been filed in an office drawer. Some clippings dated back to her college years – that dreamy phase of, “When I grow up and marry, I hope my kitchen has …..”

There were clippings of herb gardens, bathroom paint colors in sage and mint, examples of open shelves instead of upper cabinets for the ideal kitchen, and nursery ideas.

__________

Her girlfriends thought she was crazy for not wanting upper kitchen cabinets. She loved how open shelving prevented her from collecting junk. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / My Minimalism / Parenting / Random Observations — 34 Comments
5
Feb 13

When to Stay Away

The thing is, most of the time I know when to stay away.

When she says, “Ewwww! Mom, remember that experiment where we made the smoothie for Twilite? You know the blueberries, grass and banana drink? It’s still in the fridge! Come smell it!”

Yeah.

No.

I know to stay away. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Stories — 15 Comments
15
Jan 13

The Jigsaw Puzzle

She was too exhausted to untie the bundle. He stood next to her and excitedly pulled at the bow that was wrapped tightly around the four corners of the blanket. His hands were shaking. He fumbled a bit, but the blanket fell open to reveal the most precious gift. He gently placed the baby in her arms. They didn’t notice the green organza bag that fell out of the blanket to the floor.

They cooed at the baby while the nurse placed the green bag inside an overnight bag.

__________

A couple days later a tired, happy, new mom unpacked the overnight bag. Inside she found the shiny green bag. Was it a gift from the hospital? In her exhaustion, had she forgotten who’d brought her this unusual gift? She opened the bag to find seven brightly colored pieces from a jigsaw puzzle. Surely there was a puzzle somewhere that was missing important pieces. Who could this belong to?

She was too tired to sort out the mystery, so she placed the green bag on the shelf above the changing table. Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations — 21 Comments
9
Jan 13

Who Are You Mad At?

Are you mad at the clerk because of her surly attitude, or was she surly because you loudly chatted on your cell the whole time she rang up your groceries?

Are you mad at the unfortunate soul who answered the phone when you called to complain about your bill, or did you forget to greet him politely?

Are you mad at the guy at work because he had the nerve to ask you to make his project a priority, or are you mad at yourself because you didn’t say no?

Are you mad at her because she says you are too sensitive, or are you mad at yourself for not sticking to your boundaries? Continue reading →

Moving On / My Minimalism / Random Observations — 13 Comments
30
Dec 12

New Growth

Lose weight.

Exercise more – hell – start exercising.

Quit smoking.

Start walking.

On Default Settings and Choice

Stumbling in the dark, hoping to avoid stepping on the cat on my way to making that first cup of coffee in the morning, I do not have the presence of mind to plan on having a happy day. Once I’ve had those first sips and my eyes start to focus, I am not any closer to consciously thinking, “Today is going to be really happy.”

Will is six-month-old puppy-happy every day, and even he doesn’t get out of bed and announce, “Today I’m going to be really happy.” He just is. That is his default setting.

My setting is more in the range of – get along; don’t rock any boats; hope to get a few things done and feel like I’m a decent person by the end of the day kind of setting.