Random Observations « Surviving Narcissism

Random Observations

Trees Need Wind

A guy walks into a bar…

On his way to finding his favorite stool, he looks around to see if he recognizes any faces. He waves at Joe, who is sitting in his usual corner, tie undone, disheveled hair, two empties and a new beer in front of him.

He could go talk to Joe, but he knows all the stories. Joe will bemoan the fact that he works harder than anyone else. He’ll mention – again – that his wife has threatened to leave him. He’ll wonder why his kids want to have nothing to do with him.

The guy doesn’t need to be the shoulder today, so he smiles at Joe and moves on.

He sees Ellen in the corner, snuggling up to a new victim. She hikes her skirt up a bit to show more leg as she sips her chardonnay. The victim has yet to learn that Ellen uses up men at the same pace that she sips her wine. The guy walks by their table just as Ellen leans her shoulders back in an effort to let her blouse fall open just enough. Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Random Observations — 7 Comments
18
May 12

Still Life with Flowers

This quiet moment full of beauty is brought to you by a sprig of Lily of the Valley, a Begonia blossom, and a spritely Johnny Jump Up.

Thanks for stopping by.

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 14 Comments
10
May 12

Comfortable as an Old Pair of Jeans

She walks in the door after a day of meetings, appointments, disappointments and challenges. Before she pours a glass of red, she puts on her favorite pair of jeans – the ones with the threadbare knees. The cotton has softened with many washings, and now the fabric covering her thighs resembles suede more than denim.

She sits on the couch with her legs curled under her. With each sip of wine, she mulls over the day. As she reviews the interactions she can’t help but think of how she felt during each exchange.

__________

The meeting with her supervisor left her feeling stiff and tense – the same way she feels when dressed for work in a crisply ironed blouse and business suit. There never seems to be room enough to stretch her arms or take a deep breath. A day spent in that suit is a day spent as someone else.

The lunch with her sister was every bit as uncomfortable as the expensive wool sweater her sister had given her last Christmas. The style didn’t fit her. The colors didn’t match anything in her closet. On the rare occasion that she wore the itchy cardigan, she was reminded of how disconnected she and her sister had always been. The scratchy texture of the wool equaled her sister’s insensitivity. Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 15 Comments
4
May 12

On Enjoying the Ride

Imagine how sweet this journey would be if we quit second-guessing every one of our decisions. What if we reveled in the things that went well for longer than we stewed over the things that went wrong.

We’d more easily live in the moment, if we quit beating ourselves up over how we mishandled the last moment.

Potholes Along the Way

Festering, lingering, dwelling on the difficult does not help us learn the lesson better; it keeps us in a holding pattern and prevents the arrival of new lessons. Continue reading →

Homeschool / My Minimalism / Parenting / Random Observations — 11 Comments
1
May 12

A Tale of Manifesting

“Mom, didn’t you say you were going to take us to a play about Camelot?”

I’d lost the note I’d written. At the beginning of April, I’d discovered a college production of a funny version of King Arthur and Camelot. I’d forgotten to buy tickets and the date was fast approaching. “Will, I’m glad you reminded me. I’ll get online and find out where to get tickets after we get back from the hardware store.”

__________

We’d gone to Home Depot under the guise of exploring options for a homeowner repair. We came home with a pile of seed packets instead.

They each got to select a couple different packets for their corner of the garden. Jenny selected celosia, forget-me-nots and celery. She doesn’t actually like celery but her imaginary friend does. Will selected a packet of habanero seeds and sweet onions. I picked basil, California Poppies, hollyhocks, and nasturtiums. I’m sure there were more in there. Continue reading →

Control / My Minimalism / Parenting / Random Observations — 7 Comments
23
Apr 12

So You Say…

So you say… that you wish you could find extra hours in the day to maybe carve out a compost pile in the backyard, learn to play the fiddle or compile all those photos into scrapbooks; yet you never miss an episode of your favorite TV show.

So you say… you’d like to do a better job of keeping in touch with friends, but there’s never enough time after work, homework, laundry and dinner, especially with the time you spend on Facebook every night.

So you say… you could cut back on hours at work, if only you could get your budget under control, while spending every Saturday at the mall looking for something to fill the void.

So you say… you’ll be able to slow the family pace a bit, right after the next session of swim lessons. Oh, but there’s another season of soccer coming up and junior has to take soccer with all his buddies.

So you say… you’re going to take this minimalist lifestyle thing seriously, once you buy the shelving to organize all the stuff in storage. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homeschool / My Minimalism / Parenting / Quotes / Random Observations — 13 Comments
18
Apr 12

It Isn’t Fair But It Is Good

We’d gone in search of lavender fleece. We came home with jewelry making supplies, three unpainted birdhouses in need of jazz, and half a yard of turquoise fleece for, “You know, mom…. more projects.”

The idea was that each of us would paint a birdhouse.

Will and Jen are coming out of that blissful phase of thinking everything they do is fantastic. They are starting to compare their creations to others. But for right now they still relish the act of creating. That means they get out the paints, sit down on the floor and go to it.

Without a plan.

Without first sketching, erasing, sketching again or starting over. Continue reading →

Moving On / My Minimalism / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 11 Comments
13
Apr 12

Time Out

The rainy grey skies gave her permission to sink into the couch.

Leaks were collecting in metal bowls that ran the length of the soggy carpet. She had lined the bowls with paper towels to mute the ping ping as the drips accelerated.

The ping pings soon turned to sploosh splooshes.

The kids would be gone for four hours.

The basket next to the fire was stocked with wood. The fire peaked at her through the glass, giving her its permission. Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 16 Comments
10
Apr 12

When Enough Is Enough

She could remember when seeing his name in her Inbox made her heart race with excitement. Now seeing his name in her Inbox made her palms sweat. She let the cursor hover over his name. She didn’t want to click to open his email.

She’d have to decide what to write back.

Did she even want to write back?

Being nice was her thing. She’d been supportive. She’d been there. She’d listened and responded.

Was there anything positive coming out of this relationship? If this was positive, why did it feel bad?

Were there healthier places to invest this energy?

Was she opening and answering emails because she was afraid there wouldn’t be another to come along.

She closed her laptop and stared out the window at the park.

__________

Her daughter came up and said, “Mom… are you interruptible? Can I ask you something?”

She looked into her daughter’s blue eyes and found the answer she’d been looking for:

Would she – one day – want her kids to
pin their hopes on this kind of relationship?

She opened her laptop and deleted his email before opening it.

Moving On / Quotes / Random Observations / Tools — 16 Comments
5
Apr 12

Perspective

My breathing is loud. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. I can’t remember if this is the sixth or seventh lap.

Does it even matter how many times I climb this hill, just as long as I get out here and move?

I get to the top and survey the river. Through the pounding I hear my thoughts:

You are reaching for the cheaters more than you used to.
Maybe it’s age that keeps you from remembering how many times you’ve walked up the hill.
Remember when your ass was below your waist and not behind your knees?
You ought to have given more thought to what it would be like to physically keep up with two young kids at the age of 50.
When did you get to the age where Mom Jeans are comfortable?
Isn’t it time to consider coloring your hair?

I head down the hill and wonder if this upcoming birthday could quietly sneak away in the night without anyone in my family doing anything about it. Through huffs and puffs, I laugh at myself because I know it’s not so much about the day, as it is about my perceptions of what it’s like to be turning 50. Continue reading →

Opportunistic / Random Observations / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 42 Comments
29
Mar 12

Narcissists in the Desert

We’re home.

The vacation zen is making it hard to focus.

I’m short on words but long on photos.

Looking through the 300-plus photos, I started laughing at how much cactus is like a narcissist. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 6 Comments
16
Mar 12

That’s Not My Journey

We may walk hand in hand for a time, or we may know each other only briefly.

We’ll share many of the same turns and detours.

We’ll marvel at the beauty found in the connection we share.

I may pull your rolling red Samsonite for a stretch, and you might offer to carry my fraying black backpack.

I will empathize and address your concerns with compassion. I will hand you tissues when you cry and pour the wine while you laugh so hard you can’t hold your glass.

I will listen while you detail the reasons for your choices. We’ll both smile and nod when we realize we’ve made similar mistakes.

We’ll learn lessons from each other that we wouldn’t be able to learn from another.

I’ll be the first to pat you on the back. Though I instinctively brush off your kind words, I’ll try to remember to be gracious.

Neither of us may know where we are going, but I will not follow you.

That’s not my journey.

Parenting / Random Observations — 12 Comments
13
Mar 12

Riding With Tigger and Marcel

She’ll pick up her school papers and take herself off to her room to work. He has never willingly gone to his room. In fact, when she goes to her room, he follows her and only stops when his nose comes within inches of her closed door.

He walks around the house while brushing his teeth. When he’s in the bathroom, he’s singing. It doesn’t occur to her to sing in the bathroom.

He likes to know what the plan is, what we are going to have for lunch and dinner, and whether we will be having company. She wants to be left to wing-it, she has to be reminded to eat, and she’s cool with not having anyone over for days at a time.

When he’s working on a project, he’ll stop in the middle to brainstorm a new project. She doesn’t think about what’s next, because she’s so deeply immersed in what she’s doing now.

He’s the first to make us laugh with a joke or a funny voice. She’s the first to come up with a new painting technique. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 17 Comments
29
Feb 12

Asking vs. Imposing

I could have backpacked in Europe for three weeks after I graduated from college.

I didn’t.

My brother did.

My brother backpacked and made memories. He ended one phase of his life with a grand adventure.

He asked mom if he could borrow the money to make the trip. She said, “Of course you can!”

I didn’t.

Oh, I could have… but I thought asking would be an imposition.

Now I know that asking isn’t an imposition when you ask those who care about you.

__________

I wrote a post for the Stratejoy Essay Contest.

I’m asking for your vote.

If you have the time and the inclination, Jen, Will and I would greatly appreciate your vote.

Love,

Jesse

Click here to place your vote.

Control / Random Observations / Tools — 25 Comments
27
Feb 12

Why You Shouldn’t Make Your Bed Every Day

There are the frazzled days when, for no apparent reason, you feel out of sorts.

Maybe you blame it on the full moon.

Perhaps you need to eat more protein and less carbs – or less protein and more carbs – I can never remember. You may be dehydrated, or you slept poorly.

You sit quietly, coffee in hand, sifting through the thoughts mulling around in your head, trying to filter out the cause of the frazzle-ness. You find several potentials – emails that need answers, an over-baked tray of cookies, the need to run out to get milk, or a dwindling supply of firewood. None of them amount to enough to cause the Frazzle.

The exercise of sorting through and examining the thoughts helps you see that what you are craving, though, is control.

This moment – right here, right now – demands a bit of control.

Not the heavy-handed I’ll tell you what we are having for dinner and you will eat it kind of control, but the kind of control that attempts to gently pull in fractured energies and encourage focus.

In an uncharacteristically desperate attempt at gaining control I make the bed – the same one that will go for days without being made.

The making of the bed starts a snowball effect. (If I made the bed every day, I wouldn’t have an obvious place to start the snowball effect. Isn’t rationalization handy?) The snowball builds as I clean the cat box, take out the trash, sweep the front stoop, straighten the cushions on the couch and refold the blanket on the rocking chair.

The completion of each chore, starting with making the bed, allows me to pull in all those scattered energies, get some semblance of control and focus on what’s really important – figuring out what to make for dinner.

Surviving Narcissism Exploring life after marriage to a narcissist. Learning and thriving by sharing our story. – Jesse Blayne