Seeing My Path


16
May 11

A Charmed Life

skater-dudeThe front door flew open.  I looked up just in time to see him toss his helmet on the couch.  “Mom!  You got the house phone, right?  Did dad call?”

“Not yet, Will.  You sent a bunch of texts and a couple voice mails.  He must be busy.  He’ll get back to you.”

Against all odds, Will had invited his dad to check out the remaining snow on the ski hill.  It was the sort of outing that Mark usually suggested, so there was a good chance he might consider going.  In fact, Mark had said that it sounded like a good thing to do on a Sunday since he’d be done with work.  Later, when Will realized what he was in for, he said, “What did I do that for?  Why did I invite dad?  I always think it sounds like a good idea, but it’s never that great when we actually go.”

 

That’s how it is for the child of a narcissist – they crave the attention of that narcissistic parent like any kid craves attention from a parent, only when they get the attention, they usually end up hurt, rejected or dismissed.  Or, they get hurt when the parent doesn’t show up, even if there’s a sense of relief that they are spared another unpleasant visit. Continue reading →


13
May 11

On Antiperspirant and Aha Moments

dandelionsShe’d just walked in the back door from checking on the neighbor’s dog.  Time to start baking treats for the church banquet and making calls to beg for donations for the school fundraiser,  in between loads of laundry.  She had the T.V. on for background noise, even though she didn’t have time to watch anything.

Her Aha Moment was delivered by the Power of Oprah, as so many Aha Moments are, these days.

She paused long enough to lean against the kitchen counter, a spatula in one hand, cell phone in the other.  She ignored the sound of the dryer buzzer while she let Oprah’s message sink in.

She would be turning 50 soon, and she finally realized that she’d spent her entire life in a flurry of activity trying to please, make nice, and earn love, all because she never really felt love coming from her mom.

After taking the clothes out of the drying, and de-panning the rest of the chocolate chip cookies, she sent me an email. Continue reading →


10
May 11

On Creativity

I can’t wait for her to be done so she can move the lamp that’s just above my face, and upright my chair.  After more sloshing, whirring and sucking sounds, she finishes.  She asks a couple questions about Jen and Will and homeschooling.  She tells me about her son’s recent fall and how quickly the break healed.

She moves the lamp and returns my chair to the upright position and steps out to answer the phone.

I’ve been going to the same dentist for almost 20 years.  Some visits I’m placed in a chair where I can’t see the quote.  The framed quote has been on the window wall since I’ve been going to his office.  I can’t remember when I didn’t want a copy.  The quote is printed on yellowing parchment.  The frame is heavy, brown painted wood.

Last week I finally wrote it down…

 

On Creativity

The man who follows the crowd, will usually get no further than the crowd.  The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been before.
Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for peculiarity breeds contempt.  And the unfortunate thing about being ahead of your time is that when people finally realize you were right, they’ll say it was obvious all along.
You have two choices in life:  You can dissolve into the mainstream, or you can be distinct.  To be distinct, you must be different.  To be different, you must strive to be what no one else but you can be.
— Alan Ashley-Pitt

4
May 11

Three Candles

candles-beforeThey’d been walking hand-in-hand down the sunny side of Main Street.  She stopped in front of a window displaying candles, flower arrangements, leather-bound journals, potpourri sachets and tiny jars of hand creams.  Just then the door opened and they were enveloped by floral and citrus scents, sandalwood and patchouli.

Against his resistance, she pulled him inside the boutique.  She’d eyed these tiny clear blue votive holders.  They spoke to her of honesty, purity, timelessness, commitment and truth – all the things she believed she felt in this relationship with this man holding her hand.  They were a symbol of this new life full of promise and light.

She had to have them.

She could see herself – at the end of a day – lighting these candles to remind her of how lucky they were to find each other.  These candles would bring them close together at those times when life would get in the way and try to drag them apart.  These lit candles would be the glue that held them together.

She was sure that some nights he would light the candles for her or, at the very least, he’d light them with her. Continue reading →


30
Apr 11

Middle-Of-The-Night Musings

night-lightJenny can’t fall asleep unless she leaves her lamp on.   (We’re working on that.)  I usually wake somewhere in the night, stumble down the hall, reach over her sweet, eyelash-framed face and quietly turn off the lamp.

Last night was no different.  And because I also had to pee, I mistakenly looked in the bathroom mirror.

Here’s the first thing that popped into my head:

“God.  Do something with that hair.”

Then it was, “Can’t you find some better looking pajamas?”

Followed quickly by, “When are you gonna buy some of those whitening strips?  Everyone else is walking around with luminescent teeth.  What’s your problem?”

I turned off the light, crawled back in bed, and after letting out a long sigh, I thought…

Give It A Rest!

Let this woman be.

Can’t you see she’s trying?

It’s the middle of the night!  Can you let up on her for one minute?  Why do you always have to find the negative?  How about saying something kind, for a change?”

And then my brain took a turn in a completely new direction.

This is where it went…

  • Stop those mean thoughts.  Right now.
  • Find something you like about yourself, and – at the risk of being narcissistic – think on that for awhile.
  • If that doesn’t work, treat yourself the way you treat the kids – except for the way you treated Jen the other day when you yelled at her out of anger and frustration at yourself, because you were wallowing in feeling pudgy and ugly, and exhausted from dragging yourself up the last year in this decade of the 40s.
  • Sink back into those pillows, get some sleep for this body that could be worse, and greet the morning without the usual angst and toxicity that follows that first cup of coffee.
  • Go outside and breathe some fresh air.
  • Go for a walk.
  • Smile at yourself.
  • Then get in the car and get some of those whitening strips and some Monster Spray for the Lady With The Mean Voice.

Question:  Are survivors of narcissistic relationships more critical of themselves than the average hyper-critical, magazine-reading, teeth-whitening-strip-using, hair-obsessed, muffin-top-fighting, but still lovable, kindhearted woman?  Or are we all this mean to ourselves?


20
Apr 11

It’s On Me

charcoal-sweaterGawd!

I’m doing it again.

I’m complaining…

about the weather;

about Mark;

about Kevlar Man;

about my hair;

about this little town I live in;

about my to-do list;

about the weather.  (I meant to type that a second time.)

I’m wallowing in the deep, muddy grooves of my fallback position – that of the negative, the pessimistic, the gloomy and the down.

Quick!  Somebody stuff a sock in my mouth.

Enter @PicsieChick

Her gentle, sweet spirit, carried on the wings of butterflies – even in the depths of this season pretending to be Spring – sent this tweet:

How are you making your day fabulous today?


Yes!  She’s right!  It’s my job to make my day fabulous.

It’s not Mother Nature’s job.

It’s not Mark’s job.  ha…  ha…

It’s not Will’s job or Jen’s job.

It’s not Kevlar Man’s job.

It’s on ME to make my day fabulous.

I started with a little half and half and a pinch of sugar in the coffee I usually drink black to avoid extra calories.  Muffin-top be damned!

Then I answered some of the questions on Will’s worksheet – for him – to spread the fabulousness to him.

I sent Jenny outside with her roller blades and a dusting of the fabulous sprinkles.

I cranked the music on Pandora.

I called to offer to watch a friend’s cat while she heads out of town.  (Yes, offering help is a way to make my day fabulous.)

I opted to make the kids what they want for lunch, instead of what I feel like making.

And now, to work on my book.

It’s on me to make this day the way it can be – fabulous.

p.s.  Yes, I’ll be wearing my favorite sweater, too.


16
Apr 11

Playing For Keeps

faux pearl cuff“There’s no such thing as certainty.”

“Take it one day at a time.”

“People grow and change.”

“Forever is for Twinkies and the winter of 2010-2011.”

“There are no guarantees in life.” Continue reading →


10
Apr 11

Lessons From the Road

bridge-at-hoover-damI haven’t been in a hurry to get back to this place.  My brain still feels like it’s coming off of a shot of novacaine.

The lights are on, but no one’s home.

Before the numbness wears off and I lose the sweetness of escape, I need to jot down a few notes about why it’s good to get away.

  • There’s no point in going if I don’t like what I come home to.  Escaping only makes real life more difficult to handle and harder to swallow.  (You may be surprised to hear that we are happy to be home.)
  • Leaving for awhile gives me the ability to see the forest instead of the trees I keep running into.  The trees seem less daunting from a distance.  It’s good to get away to get the big picture.
  • Continue reading →


30
Mar 11

It’s My Vacation and I’ll Cry If I Want To

I took my mess with me on vacation.  You see, I am my Mess.

I bought Allison Nazarian’s book.  I hoped to read it on vacation, from cover to cover.  I enjoyed the first three pages between cocktails, horseshoes, walking, badminton, washing dishes generated from fabulously cooked meals, riding bikes, driving around to see all there was to see, putting band aids on blisters, making more cocktails and playing that game where you throw the golf balls on the strings at the frame made out of pvc pipes.

I scrambled to make sure that I kept my kids happy, my mom happy and my man happy.

My stepdad can fend for himself.

God bless that man.

Midway through the week, at 2 a.m., I found myself on the fast train to a crying jag. Apparently, accommodators should not attempt to please more than three individuals at any one time, without risking total collapse.  I was in dangerous territory. Continue reading →


17
Mar 11

homekeeping 7

Will is still struggling with images of ghosts entering his mind every night at bedtime.  Jenny just cut five inches off her long blond hair.

I’ve been mopping up the mess as best I can.

I’m providing them with lots of distractions – there’s packing to do, new books to check out, sketch books and art supplies to gather and journals to fill.

We are leaving town in search of Spring and a new perspective.

I’m hoping some sun will warm our winter-weary bones, and heal our bruised psyches. Continue reading →


15
Mar 11

Ships Have Only One Rudder

Will is a compassionate fellow with a tender, sensitive side and a fearless streak that makes him charge down ski hills at a speed that launches him into powder and shrubs and stuff that he can’t see.  Occasionally he checks out the landing before he jumps, but not always.

He’s like a lot of twelve year old boys  in that he’s fascinated with the unknown, the risky, the adventurous and the slightly scary.  Kids thrive within the safety of boundaries – set rules of behavior, established bed times, and defined expectations.  That’s why they find it exciting to step just beyond those boundaries once in awhile.  It’s thrilling to tempt fate, stay up late, skip school one day or ski out of bounds and brag to your friends.

When a child has a parent who doesn’t stand firm on boundaries, that child will have a tendency to feel untethered.  There will be a need to talk about boundaries.  He’ll have to ask and be reassured that the boundaries haven’t changed.  That kid’s foundation is tilted.  They don’t have a secure knowledge that they truly know where the lines are drawn.

It’s okay to discuss the latest slasher film on the chairlift with a buddy, when at the end of the day, that kid goes home with a parent who reassures him that he is safe and protected, and that the doors are locked and the bad guys can’t get him.

It is not okay to have your dad tell horror stories in the car as the day comes to a close on the way home, only to drop you off and say, “Hey, Buddy, I’ll tell you more scary stories next time.” Continue reading →


3
Mar 11

Playing the Part of the Stand-In

This morning’s Twitter stream included a tweet from @AlisaBowman:

Today’s Mantra: I am the star of my own life. I play a supporting role in the lives of others.

Her tweet was the cold shower I needed this morning.  It was the wake-up call that I’ve been ignoring, or another 2×4 to the side of my head.

After reading Bowman’s tweet, I gave serious thought to my relationship history.  I thought of the role I play in my own life, and in the lives of those closest to me.  I have mastered the role of the supporting actress in my romantic relationships.  The minute I fall in love, I willingly assume the role of CEO of Support.

If he needs me to bolster his confidence, remind him of his talents, say the right words in the middle of the night to allay his fears, clear his calendar for those important seminars, provide timely servicing to help deal with his stress, shine his shoes or gas up the car, I am the girl.

Meanwhile, I take a quick glance back at my life only to see that the lead role is left vacant.  I occasionally make an appearance as stand-in, but I haven’t been starring in my own life.

There was an actress in that role at one point.  I knew her several years ago.  I’ve seen glimpses of her recently, but she’s yet to completely inhabit the role of lead actress in her own motion picture.  She acts the part of mom real well.  She’s all-consumed by that role, but she hasn’t fleshed out the rest of her character.

When I read Bowman’s tweet I realized that I’ve been so busy supporting others, I forgot to be the lead in my own life.

I want my shoes shined, and my passions encouraged, and my fears allayed, and my tank filled.  I want to know what it’s like to support myself, as much as I’ve supported others.  I want to know what it’s like to get top billing.  I want to roll out the red carpet for myself, for a change.

 

If this has to be a one-woman show, then so be it.

 

 

**Bowman’s site is Project Happily Ever After, a treasure-trove of proven ideas for helping troubled marriages.



25
Feb 11

The Paper Chair

the-paper-chairI walk by this chair multiple times a day.  I’ve swept the dust bunnies of cat hair away from the rolled paper legs. I’ve straightened the legs after one of us has cut the corner too tight and clipped the edge of the chair on our way to the kitchen.  Each time I walk by, I wonder what it might be like to be light enough to sit down on this delicate chair.

I picture my spirit sitting on this chair with a white cup of tea.

Lately, my spirit has been heavy.

__________

Jenny made this chair while I was shoveling snow for the 57th time this winter.  I’d have been kicking rocks while I was yammering about the weather, only all the rocks were buried under eight inches of new snow.  While I was shoveling, Will was snowboarding on the fresh snow that blanketed the park across the street.  I could here the gliding sounds of his board.  Every now and again, I’d hear him yelp with excitement when he’d nail another epic kicker. I thought to myself, how can anyone have that much fun in this weather?  It’s 9 degrees outside.  How can that be a desirable way to spend an afternoon? Continue reading →


23
Feb 11

Notes on Advice

Please  give  me  some  good advice in  your next  letter.
I promise not to follow it.
Edna St. Vincent Millay



When a man won’t listen to his conscience,
it’s usually because he doesn’t want advice from a total stranger.
Lindsey Stewart

 


Advice is what we ask for when
we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
Erica Jong

 


The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
Oscar Wilde

 


A word to the wise ain’t necessary,
it’s the stupid ones who need the advice.
Bill Cosby

 


21
Feb 11

Army of Love

army-of-love“Mom, will you help me make a bunch of paper airplanes?  I’m making an Army of Love.”  Jenny showed me how to fold the paper, told me the color order and where the gas tank went, and we made 13 paper jets.  As we were folding and coloring and giggling and talking of paper cuts, I asked her how she came up with the idea.  “I dunno,” she said.  “It’s a good idea.  I think they should fly over the world dropping candy hearts, like little love bombs.”

While my daughter might have a fine imagination, she also knows of the practicality of forming an Army of Love.  I don’t need to spoil the fun by saying, “Come on, Jen, do you really think there’d ever be such a thing?  Wouldn’t it really be an Air Force of Love, even if it could be real?”

She’s exploring possibility through art and writing.  She’s gotten a taste of the more unpleasant aspects of life.  It’s good to balance that with the freedom to try, to imagine, to pretend.

It’s good to be free to wonder.

It’s good to be allowed to try, with the belief that anything is possible. Continue reading →