Seeing My Path

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 6 Comments
2
Feb 11

Adjusting My Lens

friendship-braceletsI can’t deliver a swift ass-kicking to Mubarak, save all those children and spread a blanket of calm and peace over Egypt.

I can’t reverse the path of the Cat 5 cyclone currently heading for Australia.

I can’t warm up the temps, or remove all the snow from the Midwest.

I can’t save Polar Bears or Fringed Campion or Bog Turtles or Ocelots from complete extinction.

I can’t resolve the argument over baby-wearing or convince everyone that breast feeding is best.

I can’t make my garage door work reliably in sub-zero temps.

I can’t fix Mark.

 


…

 

I can teach my daughter how to crochet friendship bracelets.

I can train my cat to stay off the dining room table.

I can keep the wood stove burning and keep the nest cozy for my kids.

I can teach my kids math and history, a love of reading, and how to remember who is collecting which cards in Screwie Louie.

I can re-train my brain to find the happier grooves, and hit play.

I can hit pause when my brain tends to like to land on the sad grooves.

I can show Jenny and Will what it takes to be a good friend, by teaching them how to email or address an envelope.

I can show my kids how to save their money for stuff they really want, instead of wasting it on Hubba Bubba and Mountain Dew.

I can have a hot meal on the table when Will comes home from skiing with his dad.

I can show Jen and Will how to listen to each other, acknowledge feelings and then tease and laugh and move on without sinking into a funk.

 


…

 

As much as I care about others, and about what is going on in the rest of the world, I can’t do anything to help.

I can focus on my own little world and make a difference here.

 

Moving On / Quotes / Seeing My Path / Tools — 5 Comments
20
Jan 11

A Twist on a Classic

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.
Author Unknown

 

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 20 Comments
12
Jan 11

On Writing, the Universe, and Whiplash

One night, almost a year ago, I came bounding out of bed in the middle of the night with an idea for a post.  I’d swear something had yanked me by the collar of my pjs.

I fixed a cup of tea and started writing.  It was as if this post had built up in my mind while I was sleeping.  It couldn’t wait until morning to be spilled out on the keyboard.

That post got me in some hot water.  When I completed it – in about twenty minutes – I didn’t step back and anticipate that I might be getting myself in trouble for posting it.  There was no question about hitting the ‘publish’ button.

To this day, I don’t know where that post came from.

This post arrived the same way. Continue reading →

Homeschool / Moving On / Seeing My Path / Stories — 10 Comments
27
Dec 10

On Breathing Easier and the Battle Ax in the Middle of the Night

apronAt 2:00 a.m., those voices in my head can be pretty loud.

I don’t know who let the battle ax into my bedroom.  She was holding  a cast iron skillet.  I don’t know if the skillet is her trademark, or if she was planning on hitting me with it.  Her hair held spongy pink rollers.  Over her mom-jeans, she wore a food-stained apron in a cherry print that barely stretched over her ample hips.

I’m sure her middle name is Guilt.  Her last name is Doubt.  First name is Jesse.

She barked at me for taking my kids out of public school.  She lectured me for wanting so damn much out of a relationship.  She snarled at me about my choices and the direction I’m heading.

With one hand on her hip, she started her relentless pestering.  “Everyone else seems content to be in a so-so relationship.  Why do you think you deserve to be any happier than anyone else?  Hello, Missy, this is happy.  Look around you.  Everyone is coupled up, and they go about their business just fine.  How much time do they spend worrying about being happy?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 7 Comments
22
Dec 10

An Early Christmas Present

best-friendThere was tech-decking at 2:30 a.m.  There were empty cans of Coke on every table, hot chili pepper eating contests, loudest burp contests, and soggy ski pants, mittens, hats, and sweatshirts strewn from one end of the house to the other.

I couldn’t be happier.

Jenny has had a best girlfriend for a couple years now.  I was concerned that when we ditched public school, we’d sacrifice her friendship.  I know now, that those girls would be friends even if one family or the other moved to the other side of the country.  They may not see each other every day at school, but when they do see each other or talk on the phone, they always pick up right where they leave off.

That is the mark of a true friendship – picking up where you leave off.

They have a connection through Barbies, or ponies, or rock polishing or dress-up or whatever.  I don’t even know what it is, but it is very special. Continue reading →

Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 10 Comments
28
Nov 10

Rescuing Her Heart

the-wooden-boxShe pinned the boutonniere to her grandfather’s lapel and walked him out to the backyard.  His seat was in the front row of chairs under the canopy.  It wasn’t the kind of wedding where the guests or groom weren’t allowed to see the bride before the ceremony.  In fact, the bride had been scurrying around taking care of last minute details while dressed in the batiste gown she’d made and embroidered.

This had to be a cost-effective wedding, or there would be no wedding at all.

The groom hadn’t actually proposed to the bride.  Years later, when learning about narcissism, she would read that narcissists rarely propose.  It was beneath them.

__________

They had lived together for about a year, bought a home and settled into a comfortable lifestyle.  Getting married was a default move.  It made sense.  It was expected.  She assumed they’d marry one day.  He didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about getting married.  When she pressed, he usually said something like, “Well… I’m fine with it all as long as it isn’t a big production, doesn’t cost me a lot, or interrupt my work schedule. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 8 Comments
25
Nov 10

Thanks

thanksgiving

 


Thank you.

 

Altah
Amy
Andrea
Angel
Annie
BB
Bruce
Catherine
Caitlin
Chris
Craig
Debbie
Dee
Di
Diane
Donna
Doreen
E.R.M.
Firing On All Syllables
Flora
Heather
Holly
Janet
Jessica
Jo
Josh
Judy
Kate
Kath
Katherine
Lavica
LaVonne
Leah
Linda
Lisa
Lucy
Mia
Mike
M. J.
Mojo Girl
Mom
Pat
Peg
Pete
Phyllis
Ralph
Rebecca
Reese
Sandra
Sandy
Sarah
Siddhartha
Sue
Susan B.
Susan Q.
T.
Tina

 


This is the list of the folks who left comments on Surviving Narcissism.  These comments helped the three of us get to where we are today.

Thank you.

If your name isn’t on this list and you read this blog, thank you, too.

 


Love,
Jesse

 

Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 7 Comments
1
Nov 10

What Did You Do?

crunchy-leavesIt’s November 1st.  The bathroom has yet to be painted.  The pumpkin vines are snaking through the dead tomato plants.  The leaves are piled against the west fence.  I have managed to put the Halloween decorations up on the shelf in the garage, but the Thanksgiving decorations are piled on a chair next to the dining room table, waiting for me to decide where to display them.

I have a tendency (you probably have that same tendency) to beat myself up for what I didn’t get done, instead of reveling in the things that I accomplished.

There were plenty of things on the list for 2010.

Many were crossed off.

The book isn’t done. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 5 Comments
22
Oct 10

Permission To Move On

The Universe wrapped her arm around me Wednesday evening.  I felt her warm breath on my ear.

This is what I heard her say:

“Listen, Honey, you’ve done a fine job.  I’m proud of you for doing your best.  I know this was hard for you.  You got through to him as much as you possibly can.  He’s injured, Dear, and you can’t do anything about it.  You knew that when you married  him, and you know that now.

You can rest easy in the knowledge that you have done as much as you possibly can.  I don’t expect any more from you.  Now you must focus your energies on caring for yourself and your children.  You have avoided the negativity as long as you could.  You tried tenderness and compassion.

It’s time for you to move on.”

__________ Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 12 Comments
25
Sep 10

On Tailspins and Rug-Pulling

skipping-rocksIt usually takes about 36 hours.

If you call me somewhere in that 36 hours, I’ll have forgotten to smile before answering the phone.  My voice will immediately tell you that I’m in the depths of the funk.  I’m down in the dark of a deep well.  I don’t have any reserves for pretending to be cheerful – for using my ‘Hey-I’m-Glad-You-Called’ voice, when I pick up the phone.

I’ll be hoping there are decent leftovers in the fridge, so I won’t have to come up with an idea for dinner.

Better yet, I’ll send mom a mental telepathy message that says, “Please invite us for dinner tonight.”

She usually responds. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 12 Comments
22
Sep 10

If Only…

  • empty-outfit1he’d quit insisting that it’s about wanting to see the kids more, and just admit that he wants to funnel less of his money in our direction.
  • he’d be honest and admit that he wants to modify our decree to better suit his schedule and financial picture.
  • he’d realize that if he had a significant other, he wouldn’t have to harass us.
  • he would get a significant other.
  • he’d fall off a tall bridge into a shallow creek.
  • I could quit letting the uncertainty of the outcome of this latest wrinkle put me in a crappy mood.
  • I’d remember the blessings and bright spots instead of letting the fear cloud everything.
  • we could move far away without the threat of someone trying to track us down.
  • everyone in my family believed I was a genius for making the choice to home school Will and Jen.
  • we’d actually had a summer and we weren’t already heading into winter.
  • I could persuade Will to spend more time golfing and less time skateboarding.
  • I hadn’t wasted so much time encouraging my kids to call or see their dad.
  • I could get the book done, sell a kgillion copies and tell Mark where to put his child support.
  • I didn’t have to spend my money to get us out of another mess with Mark.
  • all the people I love would never be dealt any more than they can gracefully handle.
  • the highly recommended attorney would return my call.
  • I could wake up and not have to think about Mark.
  • I could get Jenny to eat whatever I cooked.
  • the three of us were invisible.

*Jenny was planning her Halloween costume.  She gathered the pieces and then deliberately placed them on the living room floor.  I had to take a picture.  I kept looking at the outfit resting there, waiting for someone to put it on.  Suddenly I thought, “That’s it!  If we were invisible, he’d never be able to bug us again.”

What are your if onlys?  Humor me, please.  I could use it. ;)


Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
8
Aug 10

Surviving Nicely

A year from now you may wish you had started today.
Karen Lamb

Today is the first birthday of this blog.  I prefer to think of it as a birthday, rather than an anniversary, since this blog has been so much like another child for me.

And what a first year.

I spent a good portion of the year writing about the day-to-day business of living with a narcissist.  I hoped my efforts would help others see what they might also be dealing with.  In the process, I was able to see where I had been, and how I needed to help myself and my kids.

I wrote about the tools we developed along the way that helped us with the hurts and frustrations that come from trying to understand a narcissist.

I included quotes that helped me see the big picture.  The quotes served as good words to motivate me when I felt the most hopeless. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 1 Comment
26
Jul 10

More On High School Reunions

“You mean, simply by following my path, I will have complete confidence in everything I say? I’ll spew wise words, funny tidbits, and wow everyone at cocktail parties? All I have to do is be true to myself, show the world who I am, and I’ll never embarrass myself again?”

“It’s not like that. Although that would be nice. It’s not about suddenly becoming a sage with a great sense of comedic timing. It’s about speaking from the place of knowing who you are, having a good heart, and sharing that with the world. It’s about trusting your intentions.

Yes, you are going to say ridiculous things. You probably will still be the type who speaks before the filters have kicked in. The point is that you are speaking authentically. You aren’t couching your words to please another. You won’t be sizing up the audience to try to determine what they would most like to hear.

You will be offering up what is in your heart and mind.  Some words will be wise.  Some words will be funny.  Some words will undoubtedly be stupid.

But they will be your words. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 11 Comments
22
Jun 10

When The Path Is Overgrown

orange-wildflowersI am the stream.  I am the stream.  I am the stream.

Yeah.

Whatever.

There are a few more rapids in the stream today.

I do believe in the stream.  I am the stream.  But, today I needed a little help getting around a humongous boulder. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Seeing My Path — 13 Comments
20
Jun 10

Happy Father’s Day to Me

I have learned how to throw a spiral.

I ski on the days when it’s too damn cold, though I’d rather be sitting by the fire reading a good book.

I routinely embarrass myself on the golf course.

I know the difference between an ollie, a nosegrind and a kickflip.

I laugh at their burp competitions.

I let them spit sunflower seed shells at each other – until I can’t stand it any more.

I let her cut up her new Barbie outfits because she loves to “alter” things.

I remind her every day that she’s beautiful, and strong, and smart.

I remind him that the strongest men are tender – that they don’t hide their feelings.

I watch hours of skateboarding DVDs, listen to volumes of data on the intricacies of different players’ golf swings, and help build snowboard jumps off our front step.

I let her know that what she has to say is just as important as what anyone else has to say.

I shoot hoops and play h.o.r.s.e, although sometimes I’ve been known to forget and call it h.o.u.s.e.

I carry her to bed some nights, even though she’s getting too heavy for me, because a strong daddy would carry his little girl to bed.

I try not to watch when he rides his bike ‘no hands’.

I put worms on hooks when I’d rather not.  I let him mow the lawn even though I worry that he’ll get hurt.  I try not to baby him in front of others, and I try to treat her like a princess without letting it go to her head.

Once in awhile, when no one is looking, I’ll let them take turns sitting in the passenger seat, and practice shifting gears

I try not to tell him to ‘knock it off’ when he drinks out of the milk carton, even though that drives me nuts.  I let them squirt the whipping cream straight into their mouths.

 

 

I am trying my best.

 

 

Today I will look in the mirror and say, “Happy Father’s Day,” to myself.

 

 

To all the fathering mothers and the fathering fathers, thank you for all the good work you do.

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