Tools

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Quotes / Seeing My Path / Tools — 7 Comments
20
Oct 11

Selective Ignorance

Who am I to question the wise words of Maya Angelou?

When I discovered that quote, it didn’t sit right with me, and yet I still posted it.  Now, I’m wondering if I posted her quote because I wish – with all my heart – that we could allow kids to be uninformed.  (I like uninformed better than ignorant.)

I wish my kids could waltz through their childhoods believing in the mischievousness of Larry the Leprechaun, the eternal kindness and generosity of Santa and the mystery of the Tooth Fairy without having to know the darker sides of human nature.

I’d love nothing more than for them to think all teachers are as endearing as Miss Honey.

I want them to sail through these years without having to know what sexting is.  I want Will to go to the skate park without my having to define the terms he finds written in spray paint in the bowls of the park.  I want Jenny to be able to wear her hair in braided pigtails without other girls teasing her that she still dresses like a little girl. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 10 Comments
14
Oct 11

A Different Version of Normal

At his address, the toys are neatly put away, the art supplies stay tucked in the cupboard and the towels are folded the minute the dryer buzzes.

At her address, the toys are everywhere, the baby dolls have dinner with the family, the art supplies are never tucked away because they are used constantly and the clean towels are grabbed out of the laundry basket on the way to the shower.

…

Dinner at his house is something adults would enjoy eating and kids would pick around while hoping to get a PBJ after the dishes are done.  Around the table in the orderly dining room, more attention is paid to manners and less to conversation.

Dinner at her house is about coming together, helping with the prep, making sure there’s something on the table that each person will eat, and moving art supplies to make room for plates.  There might be a gentle reminder about not talking with a mouthful of macaroni.  There will be lots of laughing, stories of the day, and sometimes a few tears. Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 27 Comments
28
Sep 11

Sound Advice

For what it’s worth, the following is a list of pearls – advice I’ve received over the last so many years.

Some was delivered by a caring family member or a dear friend.

Some was gleaned from a magazine article or a self-help book.

Some was uncovered while searching the internet in the wee hours.

Some was initially ignored.

These are the most useful words that I turn to when I don’t know where else to turn.  These aren’t direct quotes, but paraphrases of helpful bits that have gotten us through.

  • If it’s hard to get, it’s hard to keep.
  • If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, run screaming in the other direction.
  • Your gut always tells the truth.
  • If you have to ask him to listen, he’s not interested.
  • If she says she doesn’t have time, what she’s really saying is that she doesn’t want to.
  • Respect is not a given, it should be earned.
  • Respect has nothing to do with age.
  • It doesn’t need to be this hard.
  • If you want mail, you’ve got to send mail.
  • If you want friends, you have to be a friend.
  • It’s okay if everyone doesn’t like you.
  • It’s okay to not like everyone.
  • If you aren’t feeling good about yourself, it might be that you are surrounded by assholes.
  • Good sleep is better than all the makeup in the world.
  • Humor can be found in almost every situation; find the funny part and quit dwelling on the negative.
  • They can treat me whatever way they choose; I can choose to accept that treatment or not.
  • Keep talking until you find someone who understands and believes you – they are out there.
  • Kids are wise old souls in new bodies – treat them accordingly.
  • There’s no point in talking the talk if you aren’t planning to take some action.
  • There’s nothing wrong with going to bed early.  (See above on sleep and makeup.)
  • Many things can be fixed with a hug and good music.
  • We cross paths for a reason – it’s okay if we don’t stay on the same path forever.

    •  

*Share your favorite advice in the comments below.  Let’s compile a fabulous list.

Parenting / Quotes / Random Observations / Tools — 16 Comments
23
Sep 11

To Parents of Daughters

We need to teach our daughters to distinguish between a man who flatters her and a man who compliments her ~ a man who spends money on her and a man who invests in her ~ a man who views her as property and a man who views her properly ~ a man who lusts after her and a man who loves her ~ a man who believes he is God’s gift to women and a man who remembers a woman was God’s gift to man.

– Unknown

*Thank you, Kate.
Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 28 Comments
20
Sep 11

Settle Down

studying-women1

She came home from work with a story to share.  She was animated and expressive.  Her emotions were out in full force.  She was starring in her own one-act play about an event from her day.  She couldn’t wait to share it with him.

She’d always loved when he shared his stories.  She knew he would give her his full attention.

She never could talk without moving her hands, and as she got wound up with the telling of the details, she was gesturing and demonstrating and waving and pointing and gasping for breaths.

He looked up from the newspaper and said,”Whoa, girl, settle down!” Continue reading →

Homeschool / Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 7 Comments
12
Sep 11

On Full Moons, Rainbow Trout and Gratitude

The rainbow cleared the surface of the water to get a glimpse of the full moon. It was his job to report back to the others. “Yep, it’s full. They can’t catch us for at least another 24 hours!”

The ripples set off by the splash broke the seamless reflection of the sailboat. Without a breeze, the ripples smoothed quickly and returned the cove to a dark mirror spotted by boat lights and star haze.

Up until then, we’d been wondering if that sailboat had two masts. We couldn’t tell where the boat ended and the reflection began.

In our shorts, sweatshirts and Keens, we stood arm-in-arm, gazing at the moon hiding on the other side of the trees. Their leaves were still clinging to green. Even though it was September 11th, they weren’t ready to change into yellow, orange and brown.

Not yet.

When I asked what thoughts came to their minds when standing there bathed in moonlight, they both uttered something about being thankful.

Thankful for fish caught.

Thankful for new friends made.

Thankful for trees to climb with new and old friends.

Thankful for grandparents fun enough to camp with.

Thankful for the opportunity to enjoy a warm summer night when others had to go to bed early on a school night.

Thankful for the opportunity to appreciate our simple lives when others have lost so much.

Thankful for closeness and comfort and not so much stress.

Thankful for coffee in the morning, jeans to ward off the chill, warm chocolate milk and the opportunity to catch more fish.

__________

We pointed out the constellations that tried to stand out against the bright light of the moon. We knew some of the names and made up the others.

As we turned to walk back and tuck in for the night, we acknowledged the date. For a brief moment we felt awkward in our gratitude.

Was it enough to be thankful?

Should we do more?

And then we heard the splash. The rainbow cleared the surface again. We turned in time to see the ripples sending a code that said, “Come back tomorrow.  Catch me if you can.”

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 2 Comments
9
Sep 11

The Surrender

the-flow1A definition of surrender from merriam-webster.com:

to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)

…

When she was little, surrender was something she did when she played Cowboys and Indians.  She usually tried to be on the side that didn’t require her to surrender.

When she was a teenager, surrender was something she feared would be expected once she agreed to kiss a boy, so she didn’t often let herself get in a situation where she’d be close enough to kiss. Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 40 Comments
6
Sep 11

It Takes a Good Leavin’ Alone

stonesWhen he sends the epically long email explaining that he hasn’t introduced the kids to his girlfriend because they don’t show that they care about his life, they never come over anyway, and he really didn’t think it was any of their business…

When they question your choices, make sarcastic comments about your lifestyle and complain about how stressed and over-worked they are…

When you’ve seen that they can make healthy choices without you having to hover, lecture, or demand…

When he’s never shown any interest in what you have to say, yet you think he will this time… Continue reading →

Moving On / Seeing My Path / Tools — 27 Comments
26
Aug 11

Secret Makings of a Happy Ending

The pile of clean folded clothes was a prop.  The pile sat on the counter waiting for its cue.  The cue was the sound of the garage door opening.

__________

She wrote detailed plans for her new future.  She’d live in a house where she could take deep breaths – a house where she didn’t walk on eggshells.

She wouldn’t have to ask permission to faux-paint the bathroom walls.  She’d cook what she liked at whatever time of the day she pleased.

She’d sweep the floor when she felt it needed it. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools — 16 Comments
8
Aug 11

Surviving Nicely – 2

It feels good typing the title of this post.

I hope you like Fritos.  We’re also serving lemonade because, well, we have all those lemons.  I have to enjoy a little wine on a birthday.  Jenny is throwing confetti.  Will is tech decking in the background.

And there’s gratitude flowing through the room

It’s the 2nd birthday here at survivingnarcissism.com.

I don’t know how it happened.

Yes!  We’ve journeyed through another year on this blog. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 9 Comments
30
Jul 11

Letting Go of the Rope

letting-the-moss-growShe never could get up on water skis.  Oh sure, she tried.

Her dad was actually quite patient with her.  She can remember the summer he drug her around the lake.  He was steering the boat, looking back at her expectantly, motioning with his hands to “just pop up on those skis!”

She swallowed a lot of water.  She kept getting in the lake and trying.

She just couldn’t do it.

Maybe she didn’t really want to water ski.  Everybody else said they loved water skiing.  She should probably love water skiing, too.  That’s what everybody did in the summer. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations / Tools — 8 Comments
26
Jul 11

Lunch for Twilite

lunch-for-a-ponyBecause a little girl’s imaginary pony can get so very hungry.

 

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.
Theodore Geisel

 

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 58 Comments
21
Jul 11

I Am The Protector

protectionI wanted to find out what happened to Lisbeth Salander – really, I did.  I made it to page 532, out of 600 pages.  I almost got there.  In the middle of the book, where she’s attacked by the bad guy, I almost quit reading.  I told myself, “Oh come on, you wimp, certainly there will be justice in the end.  Keep reading.”  But at about page 489, I’d walk by my nightstand and I’d swear the book was growling and baring its teeth at me.  I felt the need to cross my arms in front of my chest to protect myself.

I returned the book – unfinished – to my girlfriend.  She’d also loaned me the second in the series.  “I’m sorry,” I muttered, “I can’t do it.  It hurts to read it.”  She knows me.  She just smiled.  I looked at her coffee table and saw another book that looked intriguing, and started to say, “How’s that one?”  She politely stopped me and said, “You won’t like that one, either.”

*sigh*

I wanted to watch Javier Bardem in “Biutiful“.   Last night I tucked the kids in and sat down for a rare treat – a grown-up movie.  I made it through 50 minutes before my stomach started to tighten and I noticed my fists were clenched.  It was raw and edgy and artsy and he was biutiful.  I had to stop watching to protect myself from the anxiety I feel whenever I’m exposed to turmoil.

*sigh* Continue reading →

Random Observations / Recipes / Tools — 19 Comments
1
Jul 11

On Nice Boogie Monsters and Aromatherapy

nice-boogie-monstersJenny made these guys with scraps of fabric, old buttons and polyfill.  She stitches little grins on their faces.  Some have one eye, others have two.  When I asked Jenny what she calls them, she said, “They are Nice Boogie Monsters.”

She made one for me, one for Will and one for our cat, plus some extras, just in case.

They live in a ceramic bowl in the center of the purple dining room table.  The wait patiently, some times all day, for one of us to walk by and stop to pick one up and squeeze it.  I can’t seem to walk by that bowl without smiling.

__________

I know absolutely nothing about aromatherapy, but I do know the sense of smell is a powerful one.  I could Google which scents are recommended for altering which moods and find the perfect combination of essential oils to elevate sad moods, and bring relaxation or a sense of calm into our home. Instead, I looked at the ingredients and combinations and just picked based on what I thought sounded good. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path / Tools — 11 Comments
23
Jun 11

On Reframing

When he told her he liked her hair longer and that her face looked too full with a shorter cut, she got up the courage to tell him that his comment had hurt her feelings.

He reframed the incident by gently reminding her that she was far to0 sensitive and that he was just trying to help.

 

When he got home from work and commented that she must have had one crazy day since she hadn’t found time to clean the floors, she tried to defend herself.   She explained that she’d been folding clothes, changing diapers, feeding children and preparing dinner and that she hadn’t found the time to get to the floors.

He reframed the conversation and pointed out that dinner would be more enjoyable if the floors were clean. Continue reading →

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