Tools « Surviving Narcissism

Tools

Notes On Stress

clothes-on-the-line

Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.

Benjamin Franklin

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Unknown

Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.

Lily Tomlin

Stress: The confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.

Unknown

There are thousands of causes for stress, and one antidote to stress is self-expression. That’s what happens to me every day. My thoughts get off my chest, down my sleeves and onto my pad.

Garson Kanin

Child of Narcissist / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools — 6 Comments
14
Oct 10

Drip, Drip, Drip

This chronically, unresolved stressful stuff with Mark is like a leaky faucet.

When we’re busy, we don’t hear the constant dripping. When the music is turned up loud, I’d swear the plumber had been here today. When we’re having dinner at mom’s, I might comment that I really ought to call a plumber, but 20 minutes into our visit, I’ve forgotten about the faucet.

I’ve asked several friends to recommend a good plumber. I’ve checked the yellow pages.

When lessons are completed, the skateboard rests, and Barbie is tucked away for the day, the dripping is relentless. We can hear it from every corner of the house. When the three of us are tucked safely into our beds, all we can hear is the incessant DRIPPING. We’ve gotten quite comfortable sleeping with pillows pressed to our ears.

When I’m lying in bed listening to the drip, I am convinced I need to call a plumber. I know that if I attacked that faucet with a wrench, we’d have a geyser on our hands. We’d have a flood instead of an annoying drip, drip, drip. But, damn, plumbers cost a lot of money.

The three of us looked for a new house the other night. We were on the internet, looking at new houses with shiny faucets, in new towns, in far away states. Why does moving to a new state frighten me less than calling a plumber and tackling this drip head on? Continue reading →

Moving On / Quotes / Tools — 3 Comments
10
Oct 10

The Power of Thought

Thoughts have power; thoughts are energy. And you can make your world or break it by your own thinking.

Susan Taylor

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Tools — 14 Comments
1
Oct 10

I’m Not Crazy

You can’t stand that sound anymore. It’s driving you crazy. The car has been making a noise – a thudda-thudda-ping sound. It’s been making that sound for awhile. The kids hear it over their arguments about which radio station to tune in. Your mom has heard it when you take her to lunch. The guy at the gas station has heard it. The neighbors heard it.

So you take it to a mechanic. He drives it around the block and says, “Ma’am, cars make noises. You can’t drive a car and not expect it to make a noise. I’m the expert, I know how cars sound. Your car is fine. This is what you should expect. Here are your keys.”

You start to say, “But, no, really. I can hear it. It sounds like this. It’s making that sound all the time. You really don’t know. You have to hear it.”

He loses patience and says, “Ma’am, cars are noisy. Have a good day.”

You get back in the car, and it makes the thudda-thudda-ping sound again, as you drove away in search of a new mechanic. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Tools — 2 Comments
27
Sep 10

On Crawl Spaces and Ex-Husbands

all-in-a-days-work I’m plugging along, making sure my shoe laces are tied, minding my manners, remembering to cross my t’s and dot my i’s, when suddenly Mark swoops in and screws up my happy parade. For a long time, Mark had me convinced that my little parade didn’t matter. My parade was simply the precursor to his main event.

Because I grew to believe he was right, I still occasionally forget that my parade – stuff, projects, life – is important. It’s when I forget that my stuff is important that I let him send me into a tailspin.

That’s our history.

I start to veer too far of course – his course – and he has to yank me back to where he thinks I belong.

Even though this blog is proof that I have learned why I react the way I do, I still have work to do on my reactions to his swooping in and yanking. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Opportunistic / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 5 Comments
21
Sep 10

Trying Not To Get Burned

fire Will’s genetic coding includes a large dose of pyrotechnics. He was interested in matches at an early age. Because I liked living with a roof over my head, I opted to teach him about matches when he first asked. I figure the more kids have their curious natures addressed, the more they’ll learn, and the less potential problems we’ll have. Better he learn about matches while I’m with him, than while he’s sneaking around by himself in the garage, surrounded by gas cans and lighter fluid.

I’ll go out on a limb and suggest that most boys are fascinated by fire.

To this day, Jenny has not lit a match. I’ve asked if she might be interested. I have suggested that she even light her birthday candles.

She and I are a lot alike, we like a cozy fire, we don’t feel the need to light it.

I will admit that I have added fuel to fires – literally and figuratively. When it comes to Mark, I don’t try to light anything on purpose. I don’t call to rag on him. I don’t send him nasty emails. I don’t stop by his business to make a scene in front of his employees. I want to avoid the chaos and the fire. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Tools — 10 Comments
2
Sep 10

The Great Escape

still pond I’m looking out on the pond. The tall grasses framing the pond barely sway. The butterflies dance from the tips of the grasses and occasionally dip to skim the surface of the water. The pond is so calm it is difficult to discern where the grass meets its reflection. The quiet is heavy in a comforting, secure way. I feel safe and serene and untouchable.

The kids are content. There are frogs to catch and fish to fry. The dog begs to play. The forest beckons to be explored.

All of this won’t last. We will have to go home.

I foolishly believed that by divorcing Mark, I’d be able to escape his bizarre treatment. I thought the kids would be spared his picking and annexing.

The truth is that while we don’t deal with Mark on a daily basis, we can’t completely escape from any kind of relationship with him. We can’t avoid the fact that Mark is Jenny and Will’s dad. We can’t stop the visits altogether. We endure the visits by comforting ourselves with the knowledge that each visit comes to an end. He will not be tucking the kids in bed at night. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
8
Aug 10

Surviving Nicely

A year from now you may wish you had started today.

Karen Lamb

Today is the first birthday of this blog. I prefer to think of it as a birthday, rather than an anniversary, since this blog has been so much like another child for me.

And what a first year.

I spent a good portion of the year writing about the day-to-day business of living with a narcissist. I hoped my efforts would help others see what they might also be dealing with. In the process, I was able to see where I had been, and how I needed to help myself and my kids.

I wrote about the tools we developed along the way that helped us with the hurts and frustrations that come from trying to understand a narcissist.

I included quotes that helped me see the big picture. The quotes served as good words to motivate me when I felt the most hopeless. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Tools — 7 Comments
3
Aug 10

What Is The Point?

the-point What are we doing here?

What is the goal?

Why the struggle?

Does any of this matter?

What should I be doing differently? Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Tools — 7 Comments
29
Jul 10

Identifying Wolves

After reading yesterday’s post, my aunt invited us for a summer bright spot. Instead of serving coffee and biscotti, we met for a picnic lunch at the park. We sat in the grass under the shade of a huge pine tree, eating fries and burgers from Dairy Queen.

On the way to her house, I thought of how I’d tell her of the wolves that had been knocking at my door.

I’d give her the details.

I’d get her take on things.

I’d vent (a little) and spew. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 1 Comment
26
Jul 10

More On High School Reunions

“You mean, simply by following my path, I will have complete confidence in everything I say? I’ll spew wise words, funny tidbits, and wow everyone at cocktail parties? All I have to do is be true to myself, show the world who I am, and I’ll never embarrass myself again?”

“It’s not like that. Although that would be nice. It’s not about suddenly becoming a sage with a great sense of comedic timing. It’s about speaking from the place of knowing who you are, having a good heart, and sharing that with the world. It’s about trusting your intentions.

Yes, you are going to say ridiculous things. You probably will still be the type who speaks before the filters have kicked in. The point is that you are speaking authentically. You aren’t couching your words to please another. You won’t be sizing up the audience to try to determine what they would most like to hear.

You will be offering up what is in your heart and mind. Some words will be wise. Some words will be funny. Some words will undoubtedly be stupid.

But they will be your words. Continue reading →

Moving On / Tools — Comments Off
22
Jul 10

Pulling Weeds

window-box That window gets smaller every year – that time between the excitement of spring planting and the heat of summer bringing pervasive weeds.

This year the window was particularly small. Seems like we waited forever for summer to get here, and suddenly the weeds have taken over the garden.

I headed out this morning, spade in hand, to perch on my little stool, and begin a little garden therapy. The tomatoes, herbs and pumpkins are being taken over because of neglect. More garden counseling sessions are in store.

As I started pulling, I went for the biggest weeds. By pulling the largest weeds first, it made the task less daunting. The big weeds make it look like there are more renegades in the garden than there really are.

The big stuff magnified all the little stuff. Continue reading →

Moving On / Recipes / Tools — 4 Comments
19
Jul 10

Chicken and Broccoli Fettuccine or… Recipe For Those Who Don’t Follow Rules or Recipes

chicken-and-broccoli-fettucini I would classify myself as someone who doesn’t follow rules well. However, I am not a rule breaker. There’s a difference. A rule breaker intentionally sets out to take an action that flies in the face of a particular rule. I have a tendency to dance around rules, skirt them, avoid them, or even go so far as to pretend to follow, while all the while completely ignoring a rule.

I’m not talking about stringent rules like stopping at stop signs, filing taxes by April 15th, paying bills on time and brushing my teeth twice a day. I’m talking about societal rules that we take for granted – rules that are designed to help us all live together and cooperate – rules that direct conduct and behavior.

I don’t like writing on lined paper. Lined paper reminds me of my third grade teacher, hands on hips, nagging us to keep our writing between the lines. I prefer a clear blank sheet of paper, where letters are free to stretch their legs and go where they want to go.

I was explaining to Will that it is important to make eye contact with people when you are engaged in conversation. He said, “I can hear what they are saying, why do I have to look at them, if it makes me uncomfortable?” My explanation was that society expects this kind of behavior. People (not all cultures, but many) believe that if you aren’t looking at them when you are conversing, then you aren’t paying attention. Will said, “But what if I’m not comfortable with that?” And I heard myself say, “Well, honey, I guess you have to make yourself uncomfortable, so as to show respect to the person you are talking to.”

Huh? Continue reading →

Quotes / Tools — Comments Off
15
Jul 10

The Potential In Being Human

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

Leo Buscaglia

Moving On / Tools — 7 Comments
13
Jul 10

Love Letter To Commenters

columbine I’ve been writing on this blog for almost a year. I remember the day I received my first comment. “Will! Jenny! Someone actually commented on my blog! They liked my blog enough to comment. Someone read what I wrote! You guys! Isn’t that crazy/weird/awesome/scary/fantastic?”

And then I felt self-conscious. I’m not sure why it didn’t occur to me to be self-conscious prior to receiving that first comment. But a comment does mean that someone actually read the blog, rather than some sort of spambot stopping by and doing whatever it is spambots do.

And then I received another comment.

These comments were from complete strangers. There were people out there, that I didn’t know, and they were reading and taking the time to send encouraging words back.

It felt great. Better than great. Continue reading →