Surviving Narcissism

When Narcissism Runs in the Family

Guest Post by Jenn

I never knew anything about narcissism until I married into a family with three narcissists. It was years before I made this discovery, and in those early years, I felt like I was losing my mind. The particular family I had married into managed to turn narcissism into a generational art, and so every single member of this family (including the one I married) thought that type of behavior was normal. (Quick note: my husband is not a narcissist. He has his own issues, but narcissism isn’t one of them.) And because I didn’t agree with it, fought against it, and generally rattled the glass on their pristine cage… well, let’s just say it didn’t really end well.

For many reasons, at least one of these narcissists is still involved in my personal life. Because of this, survival skills are a must. Something I have learned from spending 12.5 years with a dysfunctional family full of narcissists is they will eat you alive and spit you out with a smile on their collective faces if you let them. Am I angry? Yes. Yes, I am. But most of the time, I’m able to move past that to the aforementioned survival skills which (along with about a year of counseling from a wonderful therapist) have helped me to keep my sense of self when the world felt like it was falling apart all around me.

Listen to your body. This sounds silly, but when I sat down and thought about how North American society teaches us to take medication and ignore our body’s reaction to something, it made much more sense to me. If being in a certain situation or around a certain person (or people), habitually makes you fell ill, uncomfortable, or like you need to be on Xanax, chances are your body is screaming at you to get away from whatever it is.

Educate yourself. Once you’ve made the discovery that something is really, REALLY bothering you, it might be a good idea to see what you can find out about it. I found that reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) was very helpful in that it gave me an explanation for the behaviors I was seeing.

Get yourself some resources. Jesse’s blog was like a warming balm on a spasming muscle when I found it. There are other resources online, as well as books you can check out (or purchase, if you love highlighting as much as I do) that will give tons of information on NPD. Another recent blog post that is very helpful can be found on TalkTherapyBiz.com. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / My Minimalism / Parenting / Random Observations — 34 comments
05
Feb 13

When to Stay Away

The thing is, most of the time I know when to stay away.

When she says, “Ewwww! Mom, remember that experiment where we made the smoothie for Twilite? You know the blueberries, grass and banana drink? It’s still in the fridge! Come smell it!”

Yeah.

No.

I know to stay away. Continue reading →

Quotes — Comments Off
28
Jan 13

Encouragement

Most of us,
swimming against the tides of trouble the world knows nothing about,
need only a bit of praise or encouragement –
and we will make the goal.

– Robert Collier

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / Survivor Support / Tools — Comments Off
24
Jan 13

Survivor Support

In Survivor Support, I will call your attention to a new commenter who reaches out to us for encouragement or guidance or a compassionate ear.

We have created a most healthy group of wise individuals who send positive ripples out whenever needed.

It’s time to send more ripples.

Survivors and Thrivers, please see Kristin’s comment on this post.

Thanks,

Jesse

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting — 12 comments
23
Jan 13

Letter of Resignation

Dear Narcissist,

We resign as caretakers.

We will no longer protect you, make excuses for your behavior or come to your defense. We will not sweep your abuses under the rug. We will not pretend like your treatment is acceptable.

We will not allow you to manipulate us or control us.

You will not hurt us again.

We will not feel sorry for you.

I will not coach your children on what to say to you in order to keep the peace. I will point out your behaviors to make sure that the children understand that they are not to be blamed for your mistreatment.

We will not cater to you, tiptoe around you or deal with your mood swings.

We will not allow you to make us feel inferior.

We are good enough.

We will no longer see ourselves through your eyes.

We will no longer see ourselves through your eyes.

We will no longer see ourselves through your eyes.

Signed,

Jesse, Will and Jenny

*Survivors,

You may be thinking that by now we would have successfully moved on. Just yesterday I heard myself coaching Will on what not to say to his father over the phone. After almost seven years, I still fall into the trap of protecting the narcissist.

Moving On / Quotes / Stories — 4 comments
17
Jan 13

On Broken Hearts

“Well,” the Goddess said,
“your heart didn’t heal straight the last time it broke.
So we’ll break it again and reset it so it heals straight this time.”

– Jane Yolen

*Maybe if we looked at it this way,
a broken heart wouldn’t seem insurmountable.

Random Observations / Stories — 15 comments
15
Jan 13

The Jigsaw Puzzle

She was too exhausted to untie the bundle. He stood next to her and excitedly pulled at the bow that was wrapped tightly around the four corners of the blanket. His hands were shaking. He fumbled a bit, but the blanket fell open to reveal the most precious gift. He gently placed the baby in her arms. They didn’t notice the green organza bag that fell out of the blanket to the floor.

They cooed at the baby while the nurse placed the green bag inside an overnight bag.

__________

A couple days later a tired, happy, new mom unpacked the overnight bag. Inside she found the shiny green bag. Was it a gift from the hospital? In her exhaustion, had she forgotten who’d brought her this unusual gift? She opened the bag to find seven brightly colored pieces from a jigsaw puzzle. Surely there was a puzzle somewhere that was missing important pieces. Who could this belong to?

She was too tired to sort out the mystery, so she placed the green bag on the shelf above the changing table. Continue reading →

Quotes — 2 comments
11
Jan 13

Life Happens In The Ricochet

I have the choice of being constantly active and happy
or introspectively passive and sad.
Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.

– Sylvia Plath

Parenting / Random Observations — 21 comments
09
Jan 13

Who Are You Mad At?

Are you mad at the clerk because of her surly attitude, or was she surly because you loudly chatted on your cell the whole time she rang up your groceries?

Are you mad at the unfortunate soul who answered the phone when you called to complain about your bill, or did you forget to greet him politely?

Are you mad at the guy at work because he had the nerve to ask you to make his project a priority, or are you mad at yourself because you didn’t say no?

Are you mad at her because she says you are too sensitive, or are you mad at yourself for not sticking to your boundaries? Continue reading →

Moving On / My Minimalism / Random Observations — 13 comments
30
Dec 12

New Growth

Lose weight.

Exercise more – hell – start exercising.

Quit smoking.

Start walking.

A Good Kind of Christmas

She had hoped he’d walk into the kitchen, smell the Spritz Cookies baking in the oven, warmly greet the kids, and come up behind to wrap her in his arms and whisper, “Merry Christmas, honey.” Instead, he walked in, grabbed the vacuum and started bumping into their toes as he cleaned up flour dust and cookie sprinkles. “Daddy, aren’t the cookies pretty?” He took a few more swipes with the vacuum and said, “Yes, honey, now let’s start cleaning up this mess.”

She’d planned to stroll arm-in-arm, watching the snow fall, seeing the Christmas lights twinkle, and enter shops to jointly select Santa’s gifts for the kids. Instead, he told her that he was too busy and shopping was a wife’s job.

She decorated the tree with ornaments the kids had made, hung the stockings she’d sewn for each of them, and hand-colored the Christmas cards she’d planned to mail to their friends and family. He told her he’d already sent cards to his friends and family, and that she didn’t need to bother combining his list with her list.

She put lots of thought into the gift she would make for him – maybe a collage of photos from his childhood, or a shadow box full of keepsakes from his outdoor adventures. He let out a sigh of frustration when he asked, “So, what should I be getting you this year?”

He’d sit on the couch and watch TV while she read The Tub People’s Christmas. When the kids giggled over the arrival of Santa in the story, he asked if they’d keep it down so he could hear his show. Continue reading →

Quotes — 1 comment
16
Dec 12

The Lizard Brain Runs Amok

The lizard brain is hungry, scared, angry, and horny.

– Seth Godin

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 13 comments
11
Dec 12

On Default Settings and Choice

Stumbling in the dark, hoping to avoid stepping on the cat on my way to making that first cup of coffee in the morning, I do not have the presence of mind to plan on having a happy day. Once I’ve had those first sips and my eyes start to focus, I am not any closer to consciously thinking, “Today is going to be really happy.”

Will is six-month-old puppy-happy every day, and even he doesn’t get out of bed and announce, “Today I’m going to be really happy.” He just is. That is his default setting.

My setting is more in the range of – get along; don’t rock any boats; hope to get a few things done and feel like I’m a decent person by the end of the day kind of setting.