Surviving Narcissism

What Change Feels Like

Change feels like the steady slow creep to the crest of the roller coaster hill, the brief pause before the crazy descent and the exhilaration that comes from having the guts to go, without the throwing up after.

Change feels like the warmth coming from the wood stove after splitting and stacking the wood and cleaning the chimney – the warmth that comes from self-sufficiency and independence.

Change feels like that pair of jeans that fits your figure and makes you feel good about yourself, even if there are parts of you that you’d just as soon forget about.

Change feels like the time you had the courage to raise your hand because you knew the answer, having been called on, and being right.

Change feels like knowing something – down to your bones: the directions to your brother’s house in a city you visit once a year; the memorized recipe for brownies you make from scratch when that craving for chocolaty decadence takes over; the friend you can call at whatever hour because you both are always there for each other. Continue reading →

Control / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 1 comment
29
Sep 12

Control Your Destiny

I believe that you control your destiny,
that you can be what you want to be.
You can also stop and say,
“No, I won’t do it, I won’t behave his way anymore.
I’m lonely and I need people around me,
maybe I have to change my methods of behaving.”
And then you do it.

– Leo Buscaglia

Child of Narcissist / Control / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 12 comments
26
Sep 12

What Control Looks Like

Control looks like two exhausted kids, asleep in their car seats, while dad detours to wash the car after a long day of hiking. “Never mind how exhausted and hungry you guys are, this car has to look good.”

Control looks like the business owner who still insists on handling every detail of running a business because no one else is competent enough to handle even the most mundane tasks.

Control looks like the hair style that hasn’t been in style in twelve years. You know the one – it’s untouchable, unnatural and hard as a helmet from several coats of hair spray. “Mess with my hair and I’ll mess with you.”

Control looks like the family walking through Disneyland dressed in matching shorts, t-shirts and ball caps. If you see them from the front, they all have the same grimace on their faces. They’ve been coached to pretend to look like they’re having fun.

Control looks like the house that is never in need of dusting. Every art object is displayed in the right light. Every piece of furniture is placed at the best angle. This house isn’t lived it – living is messy. This house is for show. Continue reading →

Quotes — 3 comments
22
Sep 12

Looking Good

Criticism is an indirect form of self-boasting.

– Emmet Fox

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 12 comments
19
Sep 12

Narcissists Need to Criticize

“You should have used a brush instead of spray paint.”

“Honey, that’s not what a horse looks like. Let me show you how to draw a horse correctly. And shouldn’t the trees have green leaves instead of purple?”

“The rice needs more soy, but other than that it’s decent.”

“I know you are the one with the degree in marketing, but is that the correct font for that mailer?”

“Let me proofread that. You usually miss something.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Quotes / Seeing My Path — 5 comments
14
Sep 12

On Understanding Your Beliefs

There’s nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more
than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child.

– Frank A. Clark

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 15 comments
11
Sep 12

Explaining Narcissism to Kids

“How come he says I can use his camera, and then he tells me what pictures to take, and how to take ’em?”

“He can’t help it. He thinks what you do is part of who he is, and whatever he does has to look good to the rest of the world. That means that what you do has to look good, too. “

“Well why does he care so much about what the rest of the world thinks?”

“Because he doesn’t feel good about himself. If he can convince the world that he is awesome, then he’ll like himself better.” Continue reading →

Quotes — 4 comments
08
Sep 12

De-Stress

The greatest weapon against stress
is our ability to choose one thought over another.

-William James

Child of Narcissist / Control / Guest Posts / Parenting / Stories — 7 comments
05
Sep 12

The Anxiety of Narcissism

Guest Post by Zaira

A narcissist goes to the bar early on Saturday to watch a football game with his son, who is 9, and his friends. He proceeds to drink all day, so much so, that he is passed out by 7pm and doesn’t wake up until well after his child has put himself to bed.

His son has called his mother and pleaded to come home at that instant, but she is restricted by the court and cannot pick him up from this situation unless his father agrees. The son tried to wake his father up on numerous occasions with no response and is crying because he just wants permission to use the internet to entertain himself. He is lonely and afraid to even turn on the television because it is against his father’s rules.

If his mother was to act in the best interest of her child, she would be faced with another contempt of court action by the father and even though he has driven home drunk with his child in the car and left him unattended in his drunken stupor, the law would uphold his complaint and hold the mother in contempt.

The mother talks to her son as long as she can, promises not to tell that he turned on the television, has him check all the doors to make sure they are locked, and says bedtime prayers with him after he tucks himself in.

At 2-something am, apparently after he has finally slept off the alcohol, the narcissist berates his ex-wife in an email accusing her of being irresponsible. Continue reading →

Moving On / Quotes — 12 comments
31
Aug 12

On Closing Doors

When one door closes, another opens;
but we often look so long and so regretfully
upon the closed door that we do not see
the one which has opened for us.

– Alexander Graham Bell

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 15 comments
28
Aug 12

The Narcissism Survivor’s Tool Box

Braced against the sheer, shaley side of a ravine, holding the handle bar of his bike, he yelled, “Dad! Dad, I need help here. I’m about to lose my bike! Dad! Help!” He was torn between letting his bike fall to the 15 foot pool at the base of the ravine, or worse, falling with his bike.

He was able to reach his water bottle. After taking a sip, he tried to yell again, but he couldn’t get his dad’s attention. He would have to hang on longer.

He waited, balanced on the brink, wondering why he’d agreed to go on another one of these all-day adventures.

The adventures had gotten better now that he was older, but he still ended up with an upset stomach from the exposure and risk that his dad took for granted.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 comments
24
Aug 12

On Being The Windshield

Sometimes your the windshield,
Sometimes your the bug.

-The Bug Lyrics
Mary Chapin Carpenter

A month ago, we told Mark that his scheduled visits weren’t working for us.

He had been the one to print the calendars and assign the visit days and hours per visit. He delivered the calendars sometimes two months in advance and, in most cases, refused to be flexible saying, “The calendar was printed two months ago. The kids know the schedule. There will be no changes or cancellations.”

Life doesn’t work that way – especially with curious, creative, active young people.

Cousins come to town and want to spend every waking – heck, even the sleeping – moment with cousins they see only once a year.

Friends call with invites to fish or solve mysteries or paint or golf or just hang out all day without plans. Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 9 comments
20
Aug 12

On French Braids, Golf Swings and Life

“I braid your hair almost every morning. How come today I can’t remember how to do this? It’s like my fingers checked out and they aren’t listening to my brain.”

I started over from the top. This time I quit thinking about it. I let my fingers do the work and thought about something else. I watched as my hands worked together – pulling in new strands and overlapping them.

“Hand me a ponytail holder. It’s done.”

Jenny laughed and asked, “How did you remember what to do?”

“I quit thinking about what to do and let my fingers do what they do every morning. I got my brain out of the way. I’ve been telling Will that he ought to do the same thing with his golf swing. He needs to quit thinking about it and just swing.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / My Minimalism / Parenting — 20 comments
15
Aug 12

Surviving Nicely – 3

The third anniversary of this blog quietly came and went.

__________

I harvested pales of fresh raspberries and discussed freezer jam recipes.

I collected rocks with Jen and counted the different types of butterflies that landed on the wildflowers beside the cabin. We lost track of the count when we spied two frogs in a rain puddle.

I took pictures of a grinning Will and the trout he was catching. Continue reading →

Homeschool / My Minimalism / Parenting — 8 comments
10
Aug 12