Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 24 comments
16
May 11

A Charmed Life

skater-dudeThe front door flew open.  I looked up just in time to see him toss his helmet on the couch.  “Mom!  You got the house phone, right?  Did dad call?”

“Not yet, Will.  You sent a bunch of texts and a couple voice mails.  He must be busy.  He’ll get back to you.”

Against all odds, Will had invited his dad to check out the remaining snow on the ski hill.  It was the sort of outing that Mark usually suggested, so there was a good chance he might consider going.  In fact, Mark had said that it sounded like a good thing to do on a Sunday since he’d be done with work.  Later, when Will realized what he was in for, he said, “What did I do that for?  Why did I invite dad?  I always think it sounds like a good idea, but it’s never that great when we actually go.”

 

That’s how it is for the child of a narcissist – they crave the attention of that narcissistic parent like any kid craves attention from a parent, only when they get the attention, they usually end up hurt, rejected or dismissed.  Or, they get hurt when the parent doesn’t show up, even if there’s a sense of relief that they are spared another unpleasant visit. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 29 comments
13
May 11

On Antiperspirant and Aha Moments

dandelionsShe’d just walked in the back door from checking on the neighbor’s dog.  Time to start baking treats for the church banquet and making calls to beg for donations for the school fundraiser,  in between loads of laundry.  She had the T.V. on for background noise, even though she didn’t have time to watch anything.

Her Aha Moment was delivered by the Power of Oprah, as so many Aha Moments are, these days.

She paused long enough to lean against the kitchen counter, a spatula in one hand, cell phone in the other.  She ignored the sound of the dryer buzzer while she let Oprah’s message sink in.

She would be turning 50 soon, and she finally realized that she’d spent her entire life in a flurry of activity trying to please, make nice, and earn love, all because she never really felt love coming from her mom.

After taking the clothes out of the drying, and de-panning the rest of the chocolate chip cookies, she sent me an email. Continue reading →

Quotes / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 5 comments
10
May 11

On Creativity

I can’t wait for her to be done so she can move the lamp that’s just above my face, and upright my chair.  After more sloshing, whirring and sucking sounds, she finishes.  She asks a couple questions about Jen and Will and homeschooling.  She tells me about her son’s recent fall and how quickly the break healed.

She moves the lamp and returns my chair to the upright position and steps out to answer the phone.

I’ve been going to the same dentist for almost 20 years.  Some visits I’m placed in a chair where I can’t see the quote.  The framed quote has been on the window wall since I’ve been going to his office.  I can’t remember when I didn’t want a copy.  The quote is printed on yellowing parchment.  The frame is heavy, brown painted wood.

Last week I finally wrote it down…

 

On Creativity

The man who follows the crowd, will usually get no further than the crowd.  The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been before.
Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for peculiarity breeds contempt.  And the unfortunate thing about being ahead of your time is that when people finally realize you were right, they’ll say it was obvious all along.
You have two choices in life:  You can dissolve into the mainstream, or you can be distinct.  To be distinct, you must be different.  To be different, you must strive to be what no one else but you can be.
— Alan Ashley-Pitt
Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations — 10 comments
06
May 11

The Deer or the Tick

She dipped another bite of chicken in ketchup, and stared out the window.

I could see she was contemplating something, but I asked, “Are you going to take that bite?”

She put the fork down and got off her stool.  Then, in uncharacteristic fashion, she picked up the stool and slammed it on the floor five times.  She sat back down and said, “There!”

I looked at Will to gauge his reaction.  This wasn’t like Jenny at all.

“Um, Jen…  what was that about?”

“I’m just frustrated with dad.  I’m tired of crying.  Eight year old girls shouldn’t pout, it’s embarrassing, so I figured I’d slam my stool a few times.  I do feel a little better, except look at all the junk on the floor from slamming the stool.  Sorry about that.”

_____

I could have launched into another of my “motivating” talks about how feelings are important.

  • It’s good to talk about it.
  • I know how you feel.
  • What’s the funny part of this story?
  • Do you really want to be in a funk right now?
  • Let’s choose a new attitude.

blah blah blah blah blah

I’m tired of hearing myself say the same things over and over again.  I have to think they are tired of hearing the same things, too.

So I acknowledged her frustrations.  I let her calm herself down.  I think I said something wise like, “That sucks, doesn’t it?”

We finished dinner and went outside to skateboard, draw on the sidewalk with chalk, laugh at the cat and walk the hill.

_____

The next morning we eased into home school in our most favorite way – I read a couple chapters to them.

This is the pearl we uncovered that morning:

“… your pain, like all you feel, is great.  Yet I fear that instead of stepping through your pain, as you and I have stepped through many a marsh, you have let it cling to you, like the blood-thirsty tick that rides our backs for months on end.” —Eremon, the stag
an excerpt from T.A. Barron’s book, The Fires of Merlin

 

Therein lies the power in storytelling.

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 17 comments
04
May 11

Three Candles

candles-beforeThey’d been walking hand-in-hand down the sunny side of Main Street.  She stopped in front of a window displaying candles, flower arrangements, leather-bound journals, potpourri sachets and tiny jars of hand creams.  Just then the door opened and they were enveloped by floral and citrus scents, sandalwood and patchouli.

Against his resistance, she pulled him inside the boutique.  She’d eyed these tiny clear blue votive holders.  They spoke to her of honesty, purity, timelessness, commitment and truth – all the things she believed she felt in this relationship with this man holding her hand.  They were a symbol of this new life full of promise and light.

She had to have them.

She could see herself – at the end of a day – lighting these candles to remind her of how lucky they were to find each other.  These candles would bring them close together at those times when life would get in the way and try to drag them apart.  These lit candles would be the glue that held them together.

She was sure that some nights he would light the candles for her or, at the very least, he’d light them with her. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 17 comments
30
Apr 11

Middle-Of-The-Night Musings

night-lightJenny can’t fall asleep unless she leaves her lamp on.   (We’re working on that.)  I usually wake somewhere in the night, stumble down the hall, reach over her sweet, eyelash-framed face and quietly turn off the lamp.

Last night was no different.  And because I also had to pee, I mistakenly looked in the bathroom mirror.

Here’s the first thing that popped into my head:

“God.  Do something with that hair.”

Then it was, “Can’t you find some better looking pajamas?”

Followed quickly by, “When are you gonna buy some of those whitening strips?  Everyone else is walking around with luminescent teeth.  What’s your problem?”

I turned off the light, crawled back in bed, and after letting out a long sigh, I thought…

“Give It A Rest!

Let this woman be.

Can’t you see she’s trying?

It’s the middle of the night!  Can you let up on her for one minute?  Why do you always have to find the negative?  How about saying something kind, for a change?”

And then my brain took a turn in a completely new direction.

This is where it went…

  • Stop those mean thoughts.  Right now.
  • Find something you like about yourself, and – at the risk of being narcissistic – think on that for awhile.
  • If that doesn’t work, treat yourself the way you treat the kids – except for the way you treated Jen the other day when you yelled at her out of anger and frustration at yourself, because you were wallowing in feeling pudgy and ugly, and exhausted from dragging yourself up the last year in this decade of the 40s.
  • Sink back into those pillows, get some sleep for this body that could be worse, and greet the morning without the usual angst and toxicity that follows that first cup of coffee.
  • Go outside and breathe some fresh air.
  • Go for a walk.
  • Smile at yourself.
  • Then get in the car and get some of those whitening strips and some Monster Spray for the Lady With The Mean Voice.

Question:  Are survivors of narcissistic relationships more critical of themselves than the average hyper-critical, magazine-reading, teeth-whitening-strip-using, hair-obsessed, muffin-top-fighting, but still lovable, kindhearted woman?  Or are we all this mean to ourselves?

Control / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 15 comments
28
Apr 11

Write It Down

journalsLast week I got a word salad in my inbox.  Whether in oral form or written form, I’ve taken to mentally and physically preparing myself before making my way through these salads.  If he’s delivering the word salad to me in person, I usually prop myself up against a door frame.

History has taught me to settle in, because these can take awhile.

If the word salad is in written form, I usually make myself a fresh cup of coffee and find a comfortable chair.

Last week’s sermon was about the difficulties he was experiencing trying to get the kids stuff for Easter.  Within the run-on sentences about, “I just don’t know what they like…” and “They are growing up so fast…” I found a sentence that made my blood boil.

“… I understand that they aren’t supposed to come over to my house.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Opportunistic / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 18 comments
25
Apr 11

I Hate Holidays

easter-eggAs I walked through Target looking for something to get the kids for Easter, I passed the poofy, over-the-top Easter Dresses.  I remember getting a couple Easter Dresses for Jenny.

She didn’t wear them to church.

She wore them in the garden while digging for worms.

She didn’t really need an Easter Dress.  I needed to be able to buy her one.  I needed to be able to take a picture of my little girl in a frilly, crinoline-stuffed, white dress, with a pink satin ribbon tied at her tiny waist.

That dress and the picture were on my list – the long, guilt-driven, impossible-to-achieve list of All Things Moms Do. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 13 comments
20
Apr 11

It’s On Me

charcoal-sweaterGawd!

I’m doing it again.

I’m complaining…

about the weather;

about Mark;

about Kevlar Man;

about my hair;

about this little town I live in;

about my to-do list;

about the weather.  (I meant to type that a second time.)

I’m wallowing in the deep, muddy grooves of my fallback position – that of the negative, the pessimistic, the gloomy and the down.

Quick!  Somebody stuff a sock in my mouth.

Enter @PicsieChick –

Her gentle, sweet spirit, carried on the wings of butterflies – even in the depths of this season pretending to be Spring – sent this tweet:

How are you making your day fabulous today?


Yes!  She’s right!  It’s my job to make my day fabulous.

It’s not Mother Nature’s job.

It’s not Mark’s job.  ha…  ha…

It’s not Will’s job or Jen’s job.

It’s not Kevlar Man’s job.

It’s on ME to make my day fabulous.

I started with a little half and half and a pinch of sugar in the coffee I usually drink black to avoid extra calories.  Muffin-top be damned!

Then I answered some of the questions on Will’s worksheet – for him – to spread the fabulousness to him.

I sent Jenny outside with her roller blades and a dusting of the fabulous sprinkles.

I cranked the music on Pandora.

I called to offer to watch a friend’s cat while she heads out of town.  (Yes, offering help is a way to make my day fabulous.)

I opted to make the kids what they want for lunch, instead of what I feel like making.

And now, to work on my book.

It’s on me to make this day the way it can be – fabulous.

p.s.  Yes, I’ll be wearing my favorite sweater, too.

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 16 comments
16
Apr 11

Playing For Keeps

faux pearl cuff“There’s no such thing as certainty.”

“Take it one day at a time.”

“People grow and change.”

“Forever is for Twinkies and the winter of 2010-2011.”

“There are no guarantees in life.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Quotes — 2 comments
13
Apr 11

Getting Away

vacation

Vacation is what you take when you can’t take what you’ve been taking any longer.
Unknown

 

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 4 comments
10
Apr 11

Lessons From the Road

bridge-at-hoover-damI haven’t been in a hurry to get back to this place.  My brain still feels like it’s coming off of a shot of novacaine.

The lights are on, but no one’s home.

Before the numbness wears off and I lose the sweetness of escape, I need to jot down a few notes about why it’s good to get away.

  • There’s no point in going if I don’t like what I come home to.  Escaping only makes real life more difficult to handle and harder to swallow.  (You may be surprised to hear that we are happy to be home.)
  • Leaving for awhile gives me the ability to see the forest instead of the trees I keep running into.  The trees seem less daunting from a distance.  It’s good to get away to get the big picture.

    • Continue reading →

Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 13 comments
30
Mar 11

It’s My Vacation and I’ll Cry If I Want To

I took my mess with me on vacation.  You see, I am my Mess.

I bought Allison Nazarian’s book.  I hoped to read it on vacation, from cover to cover.  I enjoyed the first three pages between cocktails, horseshoes, walking, badminton, washing dishes generated from fabulously cooked meals, riding bikes, driving around to see all there was to see, putting band aids on blisters, making more cocktails and playing that game where you throw the golf balls on the strings at the frame made out of pvc pipes.

I scrambled to make sure that I kept my kids happy, my mom happy and my man happy.

My stepdad can fend for himself.

God bless that man.

Midway through the week, at 2 a.m., I found myself on the fast train to a crying jag. Apparently, accommodators should not attempt to please more than three individuals at any one time, without risking total collapse.  I was in dangerous territory. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homekeeping / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 5 comments
17
Mar 11

homekeeping 7

Will is still struggling with images of ghosts entering his mind every night at bedtime.  Jenny just cut five inches off her long blond hair.

I’ve been mopping up the mess as best I can.

I’m providing them with lots of distractions – there’s packing to do, new books to check out, sketch books and art supplies to gather and journals to fill.

We are leaving town in search of Spring and a new perspective.

I’m hoping some sun will warm our winter-weary bones, and heal our bruised psyches. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 comments
15
Mar 11

Ships Have Only One Rudder

Will is a compassionate fellow with a tender, sensitive side and a fearless streak that makes him charge down ski hills at a speed that launches him into powder and shrubs and stuff that he can’t see.  Occasionally he checks out the landing before he jumps, but not always.

He’s like a lot of twelve year old boys  in that he’s fascinated with the unknown, the risky, the adventurous and the slightly scary.  Kids thrive within the safety of boundaries – set rules of behavior, established bed times, and defined expectations.  That’s why they find it exciting to step just beyond those boundaries once in awhile.  It’s thrilling to tempt fate, stay up late, skip school one day or ski out of bounds and brag to your friends.

When a child has a parent who doesn’t stand firm on boundaries, that child will have a tendency to feel untethered.  There will be a need to talk about boundaries.  He’ll have to ask and be reassured that the boundaries haven’t changed.  That kid’s foundation is tilted.  They don’t have a secure knowledge that they truly know where the lines are drawn.

It’s okay to discuss the latest slasher film on the chairlift with a buddy, when at the end of the day, that kid goes home with a parent who reassures him that he is safe and protected, and that the doors are locked and the bad guys can’t get him.

It is not okay to have your dad tell horror stories in the car as the day comes to a close on the way home, only to drop you off and say, “Hey, Buddy, I’ll tell you more scary stories next time.” Continue reading →

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