If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.
Lao-tzu
01
Oct 10
Where Are You Going?
If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.
Lao-tzu
29
Sep 10
Spirituality on a Road Trip
I had my finger on the button to take the 113th black and white of Devil’s Tower, when I heard a bossy voice say, “Here… give me your camera. I’ll get a shot of you and your kids.”
The universe holds a special place for total strangers who offer to take photos of single parents and their kids. Imagine shoe boxes filled with photos of sticky marshmallow faces, consecutive years of Christmas present openings, and the first days of school with the ghost of a parent appearing in only one out of every 43 pictures.
I look kindly on anyone who offers to snap a picture of the three of us.
Except this time. Continue reading →
28
Sep 10
Some Like It Hot
Whoever said, “Revenge is a dish best served cold,” didn’t have a bumper crop of these growing in her backyard.
27
Sep 10
On Crawl Spaces and Ex-Husbands
I’m plugging along, making sure my shoe laces are tied, minding my manners, remembering to cross my t’s and dot my i’s, when suddenly Mark swoops in and screws up my happy parade. For a long time, Mark had me convinced that my little parade didn’t matter. My parade was simply the precursor to his main event.
Because I grew to believe he was right, I still occasionally forget that my parade – stuff, projects, life – is important. It’s when I forget that my stuff is important that I let him send me into a tailspin.
That’s our history.
I start to veer too far of course – his course – and he has to yank me back to where he thinks I belong.
Even though this blog is proof that I have learned why I react the way I do, I still have work to do on my reactions to his swooping in and yanking. Continue reading →
25
Sep 10
On Tailspins and Rug-Pulling
It usually takes about 36 hours.
If you call me somewhere in that 36 hours, I’ll have forgotten to smile before answering the phone. My voice will immediately tell you that I’m in the depths of the funk. I’m down in the dark of a deep well. I don’t have any reserves for pretending to be cheerful – for using my ‘Hey-I’m-Glad-You-Called’ voice, when I pick up the phone.
I’ll be hoping there are decent leftovers in the fridge, so I won’t have to come up with an idea for dinner.
Better yet, I’ll send mom a mental telepathy message that says, “Please invite us for dinner tonight.”
She usually responds. Continue reading →
22
Sep 10
If Only…
he’d quit insisting that it’s about wanting to see the kids more, and just admit that he wants to funnel less of his money in our direction.- he’d be honest and admit that he wants to modify our decree to better suit his schedule and financial picture.
- he’d realize that if he had a significant other, he wouldn’t have to harass us.
- he would get a significant other.
- he’d fall off a tall bridge into a shallow creek.
- I could quit letting the uncertainty of the outcome of this latest wrinkle put me in a crappy mood.
- I’d remember the blessings and bright spots instead of letting the fear cloud everything.
- we could move far away without the threat of someone trying to track us down.
- everyone in my family believed I was a genius for making the choice to home school Will and Jen.
- we’d actually had a summer and we weren’t already heading into winter.
- I could persuade Will to spend more time golfing and less time skateboarding.
- I hadn’t wasted so much time encouraging my kids to call or see their dad.
- I could get the book done, sell a kgillion copies and tell Mark where to put his child support.
- I didn’t have to spend my money to get us out of another mess with Mark.
- all the people I love would never be dealt any more than they can gracefully handle.
- the highly recommended attorney would return my call.
- I could wake up and not have to think about Mark.
- I could get Jenny to eat whatever I cooked.
- the three of us were invisible.
*Jenny was planning her Halloween costume. She gathered the pieces and then deliberately placed them on the living room floor. I had to take a picture. I kept looking at the outfit resting there, waiting for someone to put it on. Suddenly I thought, “That’s it! If we were invisible, he’d never be able to bug us again.”
What are your if onlys? Humor me, please. I could use it. ;)
21
Sep 10
Trying Not To Get Burned
Will’s genetic coding includes a large dose of pyrotechnics. He was interested in matches at an early age. Because I liked living with a roof over my head, I opted to teach him about matches when he first asked. I figure the more kids have their curious natures addressed, the more they’ll learn, and the less potential problems we’ll have. Better he learn about matches while I’m with him, than while he’s sneaking around by himself in the garage, surrounded by gas cans and lighter fluid.
I’ll go out on a limb and suggest that most boys are fascinated by fire.
To this day, Jenny has not lit a match. I’ve asked if she might be interested. I have suggested that she even light her birthday candles.
She and I are a lot alike, we like a cozy fire, we don’t feel the need to light it.
I will admit that I have added fuel to fires – literally and figuratively. When it comes to Mark, I don’t try to light anything on purpose. I don’t call to rag on him. I don’t send him nasty emails. I don’t stop by his business to make a scene in front of his employees. I want to avoid the chaos and the fire. Continue reading →
20
Sep 10
What Is Art?
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
Scott Adams
** created by Jenny on Paint.
18
Sep 10
Escape to Create
Because it’s Saturday morning. Because my friend just sent these to me. Because these bring a smile to my face, and hopefully to your face, too. But mostly because I’m a mom who is over-the-top proud of absolutely everything her kids create.
I’m not debating whether creativity comes from struggle or whether we are simply a tool to give voice to creativity. I believe we are all born with creative talent. Most of us forget that.
We get older. We lack encouragement. We forget how fun it is to create. We compare what comes from our minds and hands to others and we feel that we come up short. We become too critical of ourselves.
Creativity thrives in an environment where someone (Mark) isn’t telling us that the sun is always yellow, the grass is always green, trees always have leaves and we must always stay in the lines.
I do know that creating something is a healthy way to temporarily escape the stresses and difficulties that life may put in front of us. When we paint or draw or sing or write, our brains get a chance to quit stewing about issues. When we create, we allow our brains a little vacation from being grown-up and responsible. Continue reading →
17
Sep 10
Teachers of Life
While we try to teach our children all about life,Our children teach us what life is all about. Angela Schwindt
16
Sep 10
At Least He Doesn’t Live With Us
I play mental tricks on myself. When we wake to nine inches of new snow and a temperature of 15 degrees, I tell myself, “Hey, we have lots of firewood, the furnace is working and the skiing will be great.” When our typically bright blue sky is overcast and gray for the second day in a row, I grouse a little and remind myself that I’m getting lots of chores done. When my kids complain about having to do lessons in the morning instead of riding their bikes or skateboarding, I remind them, “You know, you guys could be sitting in a desk at public school for seven hours.”
I try to find the positive in a less than rosy scenario. It’s a coping mechanism – a self-protective measure to ward off the funk.
Sometimes the scenario requires that I be more creative than usual.
Last night when Jenny was crying at the dinner table because her dad wouldn’t let her bring her favorite fuzzy yellow blanket home to our house from his house, I struggled to find a silver lining on her cloud. I scraped the bottom of the barrel looking for a positive comment, when Will remarked that he, “almost threw up at Dad’s house,” because his dad made him read a four-page letter attesting to his own greatness before he’d let his son open his birthday present. When the kids told me that they had to ask their dad to feed them lunch, I reminded myself that at least they’d arrived home safely.
Even a wise, older-than-her-years eight year old can’t see the logic in not letting a little girl have a cherished blankie. All she could think was that she must not be a very good kid if her dad wouldn’t let her have her blanket. What twelve year old boy needs a lecture on the greatness of his father, before he can open his birthday present? “Mom, he’s trying to show me he’s wonderful by making me read this letter, then he hands me a cool pocket knife, and that’s supposed to make everything fine?” Continue reading →
14
Sep 10
Notes on Travel
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter.
Too often travel, instead of broadening the mind, merely lengthens the conversation. Elizabeth Drew
No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow.
Lin Yutang Continue reading →
12
Sep 10
Tenderness
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.Henri Nouwen
06
Sep 10
It’s Now or Never
I don’t want to sit on the floor, dress Barbies or have a Barbie Day at the Beach. I don’t want to impale little squiggly worms on hooks, remove scaly, slimy fish from the same hooks, or clean fish goo out from under my fingernails. I’d rather not play Mexican Train right now. I’d rather not measure the height of a skateboard jump.
Don’t get me wrong. Some days I do enjoy those things. Most days I get into playing with Barbies or talking skateboarding – in small doses. I don’t want to all the time, but I love the interaction with my kids.
There are plenty of grown-up things I could be doing right now.
And none of them are as important as my role as parent.
The demands of my role will change dramatically. Some day, all too soon, my kids won’t turn to me first to play ‘Go Fish’, ask me to sit next to them on the couch to watch TV, or flop over my lap for a back tickle. Continue reading →
02
Sep 10
The Great Escape
I’m looking out on the pond. The tall grasses framing the pond barely sway. The butterflies dance from the tips of the grasses and occasionally dip to skim the surface of the water. The pond is so calm it is difficult to discern where the grass meets its reflection. The quiet is heavy in a comforting, secure way. I feel safe and serene and untouchable.
The kids are content. There are frogs to catch and fish to fry. The dog begs to play. The forest beckons to be explored.
All of this won’t last. We will have to go home.
I foolishly believed that by divorcing Mark, I’d be able to escape his bizarre treatment. I thought the kids would be spared his picking and annexing.
The truth is that while we don’t deal with Mark on a daily basis, we can’t completely escape from any kind of relationship with him. We can’t avoid the fact that Mark is Jenny and Will’s dad. We can’t stop the visits altogether. We endure the visits by comforting ourselves with the knowledge that each visit comes to an end. He will not be tucking the kids in bed at night. Continue reading →
