Surviving Narcissism

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 comments
31
Aug 10

Apron Strings and Mixed Messages

forest floor Just received an email from a dear friend. Her youngest has gone off to college. She lives on the other side of the country, and yet I can feel how her life has shifted in a plate tectonics sort of way. I’d like to be camped at her house with cocktails, dinners, movies and whatever her favorite distractions may be. I know that the gesture would be appreciated, but that’s the last thing she would want right now.

Our parenting styles are very similar. That is to say, our worlds revolve around our kids, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m a recovering helicopter parent. When Will was small, I obsessed about every bite he took, the length of every nap, and his clothing preferences. I could tell you what kind of mood he was in by the expression on his face. I knew his smell, the rumblings he muttered when he slept, his favorite songs, and his weird sign language that took the place of speech for a scary long time.

We seemed to communicate on a cellular level.

When Jenny came along, I was presented with a new being to cherish and obsess over. I was in tune with her on a totally different, feminine level. I read her moods, felt her needs and anticipated her wants before she had to express them. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 comments
23
Aug 10

Lawyers, Attorneys and Bears – Oh My!

Mark is contesting the parenting schedule – the schedule that he authored. At the time of our divorce. he penned a parenting schedule with all kinds of flexibility to accommodate his work and play schedules. I was quick to accept because I knew he wouldn’t demand to see them much.

Apparently that isn’t serving his “need” to see his children more.

He wants to see them every other weekend, every Wednesday, his birthday and some holidays.

No mention of the kids’ birthdays.

No mention of assisting with home schooling. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — 6 comments
19
Aug 10

The Gravel Road

Even with my untrained eye, I could see the treads were worn on my tires. I was looking at taking a couple long road trips, and with my precious cargo, I figured it’d be prudent to buy new tires. The tire guy explained that my old set of tires was designed for driving on gravel roads. Then I remembered that Mark had purchased those tires because not only is his house set in on a gravel road, but he was planning to use my car for our family fishing/skiing/hiking trips.

I felt some weird sense of victory when telling the tire guy that I wouldn’t be needing tires fit for gravel any more. Yes – I still drive gravel to the cabin and skiing. No – I do not live in a house on a gravel road.

So there.

The kids and I laughed at the smooth ride. Who knew different tires could make that much of a difference? We left the tire shop and headed to the grocery store, windows rolled down, the three of us sighing and saying, “Ahhh. Smooth ride, huh?”

A couple days later, we set out on our road trip west to see family. We stocked up on fritos, cheese and cracker sets, waters, sunflower seeds, DVDs, sketch books, and word search books and put just over 1400 miles on the car in a round trip to the state of Washington. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 comments
08
Aug 10

Surviving Nicely

A year from now you may wish you had started today.

Karen Lamb

Today is the first birthday of this blog. I prefer to think of it as a birthday, rather than an anniversary, since this blog has been so much like another child for me.

And what a first year.

I spent a good portion of the year writing about the day-to-day business of living with a narcissist. I hoped my efforts would help others see what they might also be dealing with. In the process, I was able to see where I had been, and how I needed to help myself and my kids.

I wrote about the tools we developed along the way that helped us with the hurts and frustrations that come from trying to understand a narcissist.

I included quotes that helped me see the big picture. The quotes served as good words to motivate me when I felt the most hopeless. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Random Observations — 6 comments
07
Aug 10

For Our Daughters

I remember the first time she was placed in my arms. Even though I was weakened and exhausted from the process, I remember thinking that I’d never felt stronger. I felt empowered to completely love and protect her with everything I had. Nothing could stop me from creating the best possible environment so that she’d have the healthiest life.

I remember her scent, her warmth, her steely charcoal eyes, her long legs and tiny fingers. I remember the dark, matted curls at the base of her tiny head.

My heart expanded to hold all the love I felt for her, to the point where I feared my heart might burst.

I felt more love than I thought possible.

Before she was born, I was afraid that since I showered so much love on Will, I would not have the same amount of love for Jenny. The day Jen was born, I learned that I have an infinite amount of love. Continue reading →

Quotes / Random Observations — Comments Off
03
Aug 10

Really?

What if “the hokey pokey” is REALLY what it’s all about?

Curtis Spencer

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Tools — 7 comments
03
Aug 10

What Is The Point?

the-point What are we doing here?

What is the goal?

Why the struggle?

Does any of this matter?

What should I be doing differently? Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Tools — 7 comments
29
Jul 10

Identifying Wolves

After reading yesterday’s post, my aunt invited us for a summer bright spot. Instead of serving coffee and biscotti, we met for a picnic lunch at the park. We sat in the grass under the shade of a huge pine tree, eating fries and burgers from Dairy Queen.

On the way to her house, I thought of how I’d tell her of the wolves that had been knocking at my door.

I’d give her the details.

I’d get her take on things.

I’d vent (a little) and spew. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 comments
28
Jul 10

Coming Full Circle

barbed

“Dad, if you changed some things so that we would be more comfortable around you, we would want to see you more.” Will, with eyes blinking incessantly, and hands shoved into the pockets of his grass-stained kahkis, summoned the courage to stand up to his dad.

Later, Will told me he felt like he wanted to throw-up when he was talking to Mark.

Jenny was hiding in a corner of the garage. When Mark asked her if he still used the baby voice, she was visibly shaking. She looked down at her feet, clutched her Barbie, and whispered, “Yes.”

Then, Mark announced to the three of us that he has only one voice. He does not have, and never has had, a baby voice. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 1 comment
26
Jul 10

More On High School Reunions

“You mean, simply by following my path, I will have complete confidence in everything I say? I’ll spew wise words, funny tidbits, and wow everyone at cocktail parties? All I have to do is be true to myself, show the world who I am, and I’ll never embarrass myself again?”

“It’s not like that. Although that would be nice. It’s not about suddenly becoming a sage with a great sense of comedic timing. It’s about speaking from the place of knowing who you are, having a good heart, and sharing that with the world. It’s about trusting your intentions.

Yes, you are going to say ridiculous things. You probably will still be the type who speaks before the filters have kicked in. The point is that you are speaking authentically. You aren’t couching your words to please another. You won’t be sizing up the audience to try to determine what they would most like to hear.

You will be offering up what is in your heart and mind. Some words will be wise. Some words will be funny. Some words will undoubtedly be stupid.

But they will be your words. Continue reading →

Random Observations — 1 comment
25
Jul 10

Last Night’s Dream

stacks-of-books We were standing at the coffee bar in an independently owned bookstore. The bookstore was the center of what was a farmer’s market – lots of individual booths selling candles, handcrafts, chocolates and cookies, kites, sunglasses and other things you might think you want, but you’ve managed to live without up ‘til now. The air was filled with the happy Saturday buzz that comes from relaxed people who aren’t rushing to work or appointments.

We had been chatting about what new book we wanted to check out when the female barista came to take our drink order. He gave her his most engaging smile, and she seemed to melt under his gaze.

And for what seemed like the millionth time, I felt those familiar pangs. The strings attached to my heart were yanked, and I felt a palpable twinge – that twinge I get every time he smiles at someone (a woman) other than me. I stood there, watching their exchange, telling myself, “For God’s sake, he’s just ordering coffee. He’s not asking her to jump in the sack.”

But the pangs intensified.

I tried to talk my heart into relaxing. I tried to explain to my heart that a lifetime of insecurities has created this habit of flinching every time the person I love devotes attention to any female other than me. Continue reading →

Random Observations — 4 comments
23
Jul 10

On High School Reunions

Last night I went to my 30th high school reunion. I had a great time, even though I thought I might have to pull my car to the side of the road and throw up on the way there. All the insecurities I dealt with 30 years ago seemed to bubble to the surface, as my car approached the tavern where the event was held.

It was fun.

I’m glad it’s over.

Note to high school reunion planners: Continue reading →

Moving On / Tools — Comments Off
22
Jul 10

Pulling Weeds

window-box That window gets smaller every year – that time between the excitement of spring planting and the heat of summer bringing pervasive weeds.

This year the window was particularly small. Seems like we waited forever for summer to get here, and suddenly the weeds have taken over the garden.

I headed out this morning, spade in hand, to perch on my little stool, and begin a little garden therapy. The tomatoes, herbs and pumpkins are being taken over because of neglect. More garden counseling sessions are in store.

As I started pulling, I went for the biggest weeds. By pulling the largest weeds first, it made the task less daunting. The big weeds make it look like there are more renegades in the garden than there really are.

The big stuff magnified all the little stuff. Continue reading →

Moving On / Recipes / Tools — 4 comments
19
Jul 10

Chicken and Broccoli Fettuccine or… Recipe For Those Who Don’t Follow Rules or Recipes

chicken-and-broccoli-fettucini I would classify myself as someone who doesn’t follow rules well. However, I am not a rule breaker. There’s a difference. A rule breaker intentionally sets out to take an action that flies in the face of a particular rule. I have a tendency to dance around rules, skirt them, avoid them, or even go so far as to pretend to follow, while all the while completely ignoring a rule.

I’m not talking about stringent rules like stopping at stop signs, filing taxes by April 15th, paying bills on time and brushing my teeth twice a day. I’m talking about societal rules that we take for granted – rules that are designed to help us all live together and cooperate – rules that direct conduct and behavior.

I don’t like writing on lined paper. Lined paper reminds me of my third grade teacher, hands on hips, nagging us to keep our writing between the lines. I prefer a clear blank sheet of paper, where letters are free to stretch their legs and go where they want to go.

I was explaining to Will that it is important to make eye contact with people when you are engaged in conversation. He said, “I can hear what they are saying, why do I have to look at them, if it makes me uncomfortable?” My explanation was that society expects this kind of behavior. People (not all cultures, but many) believe that if you aren’t looking at them when you are conversing, then you aren’t paying attention. Will said, “But what if I’m not comfortable with that?” And I heard myself say, “Well, honey, I guess you have to make yourself uncomfortable, so as to show respect to the person you are talking to.”

Huh? Continue reading →

Quotes — 4 comments
18
Jul 10

On Tying The Knot

What a happy and holy fashion it is that those who love one another should rest on the same pillow.

Nathaniel Hawthorne

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

George Bernard Shaw

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

Mignon McLaughlin

Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without.

James C. Dobson

Come, let’s be a comfortable couple and take care of each other! How glad we shall be, that we have somebody we are fond of always, to talk to and sit with.

Charles Dickens

Oh happy day!

Stan and Rose tied the knot today!