Surviving Narcissism

Homekeeping / Moving On / Tools — 1 comment
20
Apr 10

homekeeping 3

jennys-bouquet A long time ago, I realized I couldn’t really boss my kids around. Oh sure, I could, but I’d be annihilating their spirits in the process. I’m not that kind of mom. There are probably a lot of parents that do a great job being the boss all the time (I doubt it), and it’s good for the three of us to remember that I am the boss. But, there is a lot of truth in being selective about which battles to pick.

THAT is why I love this blog.

I can boss it around. I can ignore it. I can feed it or not. I can tell it how to look, and what to wear and what to say. And I can tell it when to shut up. I can tell it when it’s getting too big for it’s britches. I can comfort it when it needs to be comforted. And I can ignore it when it gets whiny.

Ultimately, I am the boss of where this blog goes. Cool. Scary. Fun.

So far my battles have been with the tech aspects… css, downloading files (where do they go?), and all the behind the scenes stuff. Perhaps I could/should have been more selective in what I’ve written, but then blogs are like TVs. The reader holds the remote. (Is that the faint sound of clicking I hear? The sound of someone moving on to another site?) Continue reading →

Quotes / Random Observations — Comments Off
19
Apr 10

Friends

A good friend is a connection to life —
a tie to the past, a road to the future,
the key to sanity in a totally insane world.

Lois Wyse

Moving On / Recipes — 8 comments
18
Apr 10

Pounding Garlic

pound-garlic-1 Sunday is a great day to pound garlic. I probably pound garlic at least three days a week, but Sunday seems to be all about pounding garlic. I’m not rushing to put dinner on the table; I have the time to create in the kitchen, and I’ve got the time to vent and visualize while I cook.

I’m more into cooking than baking. That means I like to work with a big pot, some meat, some vegetables and some tomatoes. And lots of garlic. I hate doing dishes, so I try to use the least amount of tools when I cook. I’ve tried garlic presses. They suck. Most of the precious garlic is left in the gadget, and then you have several parts of the tool to wash. I could use garlic powder (gasp) but I have too much pride. And I won’t use the stuff in the jar that’s already minced. I don’t care what they say the shelf life is on that stuff. That can’t be good after it’s been opened for awhile. It might taste okay, but I bet it doesn’t taste like garlic.

Pounding garlic is easy, fun, therapeutic and theatrical. How can you beat that?

__________

I assume you are all savvy in the kitchen, but then I’ve also assumed that everybody drinks coffee. I have been wrong on those counts before. A clove of garlic is one of those sections that separates from the big bulb. If you’ve never bought garlic before, I probably won’t be able to share a bottle of wine with you. (Actually, I can share a bottle of wine with anybody.) But you really ought to buy garlic. When you have a bulb of garlic in your cart, it fools other shoppers into believing that you know your way around a kitchen. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — Comments Off
17
Apr 10

The Picnic Table

a dream… Every so often, one of us would lose grip on our side of the table, and the legs would scrape against the sidewalk. The scraping sound seemed to echo in this warm, starlit night. It was close to midnight, and there wasn’t a hint of a breeze. I found myself wishing for a wind that would muffle the sounds of our shuffling and scraping. The three of us were carrying a large picnic table from house to house, sneaking into garages, trying to find a can of paint.

We were on a frantic mission to get this beat up old table painted. And we were scared to death of getting caught. I kept whispering encouragement. Jenny was crying and pleading to go home. Will’s eyes were doing that nervous tic/blinking thing, but he was not going to give up. If I said we needed to paint this damn table, then he was going to help me get it done.

We’d drag our table into a garage and quickly scan the shelves for a can of paint. My heart was racing, I was breathing hard, and I was terrified that we’d wake someone and get caught on our mission. I kept looking at Will and Jenny, trying to gauge how much longer I’d be able to get them to help. My panic was made worse by the fact that I knew I shouldn’t be forcing my kids to do this. I knew that a good mom wouldn’t put her kids in such a precarious situation. They were doing as I told them to do. They were frightened and exhausted.

After we left the fourth garage, without a can of paint, I woke up.

__________ Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — Comments Off
17
Apr 10

Same Zip Code

boundary Hola Friends,

I have not found a new zip code. I’m still here. I have been putting out fires, reinforcing boundaries and meeting the train head on. I was inspired by what Julie Roads had to say about dealing with things instead of running from them, or putting them off, in ‘Rapid Hearts‘.

It proves to be a test of whether I really can take charge — an exhilarating, empowering test.

The wasband has contacted a counselor and his lawyer. He wants to work on being the dad his kids need. Perhaps that is a good thing. I’m not even hoping for that anymore. I’m staying the course, raising my kids, raking the yard, walking the hill and getting excited about vacation.

And planning out my next posts. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 16 comments
14
Apr 10

Just Who Is In Charge Here?

Jenny got off the phone, raked her fingers through her hair (just like I do when I’m stressed) and she gasped, “Why do I have to be so nice? Why can’t I tell him that he uses the voice?”

And the cycle continues…

Mark asked her if he used the voice with her; she denied it because her knee-jerk is to be nice and compliant; and he thinks I’m feeding him crap about the kids and their reactions to his visits.

And then it hit me.

I AM IN CHARGE. I am the grown up here. Such that I am. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Narcissist Quotes / The World Revolves Around Me — 7 comments
13
Apr 10

Grasping At Straws

Dear friends,

I want to write something positive. I want to inspire. I want to get my head above water. I need to regroup. I will write once I find a porthole.

In the meantime, my mom sent me something that is particularly appropriate. I hope you laugh. We can always make some room for a chuckle.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Opportunistic / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 10 comments
12
Apr 10

As The Narcissist’s World Turns

Dammit. I don’t really want to write about this. I so want to be done with all of this. It is more of what I’ve already written. It is more of what others have already written on the subject of narcissism. But I have made a commitment to myself, and ultimately, to anyone who takes the time to read this blog – that person who, in the middle of the night, when sleep won’t come, desperately searches the internet in hopes of finding answers. This is for those who still cling to the possibility that things could work out, that hope and goodness will prevail.

I have to write for them.

It started Sunday morning when the kids opened their in-boxes. Mark wrote them each an email. In Will’s email, he explained that I had indicated that Will would be calling. Mark twisted things around, again, and made it sound like we were wanting the dust to settle, and would get in touch when we were ready. He forgot the part about the kids expecting initiative and change on Mark’s part. Mark’s email to Jen sounded like he was picking up where he’d left off, and that nothing had ever happened.

So… the kids wrote emails saying they did not want to see him until he made it clear that he was ready to treat Jen like she’s seven years old, and that he demonstrates to Will that he is ready to make Jen and Will priorities. The kids were pretty agitated that Mark would expect that he wouldn’t have to do anything, and that everyone would pick up where things had been left.

We’ve seen this too many times. Continue reading →

Moving On — 5 comments
10
Apr 10

“If A Guy…” or Annie’s Dad – Part 2

I’m pretty sure Annie has ESP. I can think of a half dozen times when I’d be seriously struggling and the phone would ring and Annie would say, “What’s going on? I felt like I was supposed to call.” I wish I could say that I’ve done that for her. When the kids and I moved out of Mark’s house, I hadn’t told many friends. A couple days after we moved into mom’s, Annie had stopped at Mark’s business and asked of me. She’d had a feeling something was up and called me at mom’s. She’s that kind of person. She’s very intuitive.

I met Annie about 20 years ago. I was working the front counter at a sandwich/deli place. This tall woman with two darling little girls walks in, and she’s wearing the same skirt that I was wearing. That’s only weird because I’d ordered the skirt from a catalog, so she must have ordered it from the same catalog.

Her kids are older than mine. She’s an involved mom who helps run the family business, volunteers her time at her church and heads a group at the museum. We don’t see each other often, but we always pick up where we leave off.

Sometimes it feels like I’ve known her longer than I have. Maybe we knew each other in another life. Actually, I’m pretty sure I was married to her dad in another incarnation. ;) Stan and I didn’t have the timing right for this life, so I’m sure we connected in another life. And so I’ve ‘known’ Annie for a long time.

After I got to know her, we’d be gabbing over coffee, and she’d willingly share a cooking tip, and she’d start it with, “If a guy…..” It would be something like, “If a guy had some cooked chicken and some blue cheese, you could make….” Or, “If a guy wanted to plant some eucalyptus, he’d do it on the west side of the house.” And I’d giggle to myself each time she’d say, “If a guy…” It’s not like I’m carrying the banner for womens’ rights or fighting the good fight for equal wages and all that stuff (although I can get on a soap box just like any other woman, given enough wine) but it used to crack me up that she’d say, “If a guy…” Continue reading →

Moving On — 3 comments
07
Apr 10

Cookies with the Girls

barbies-tea-party Another one for the “If All Else Fails” File. Make cookies and have the girls over. I had to follow the last downer of a post with something happier. Will and I scooped the chocolate chip cookie dough, and Jen scooped teensy tiny cookies for Barbie and Sophie. She baked them off in the toaster oven and invited me and Will to a party. That’s a miniature bowl of frosting next to the plate of cookies.

About a year ago, I was telling the kids that one day after school, when I was in about 5th or 6th grade, while mom was at work, I made a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Only I didn’t bake them. My brother and I sat and watched “The Brady Bunch” and ate the whole bowl of raw cookie dough.

Sometimes I just can’t stop stuff from exiting my mouth. It enters my brain and high tails it out of my mouth before I even give thought to deploying the filters.

Will wants to know when he will get to eat a bowl of cookie dough.

I guess it’s good that he hasn’t figured out that he’s supposed to sneak behind my back to do something like that. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Moving On / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 comments
07
Apr 10

When Accommodators Cave

“Please! Someone whack my knuckles with a ruler. Now!” That was the plea I sent out to the Twitter Universe a few weeks ago. I was trying desperately to prevent myself from emailing John. Annie, bless her heart, sent back a virtual whacking that sounded something like, “There. You’ve been whacked.”

And the next night I caved.

It had been 16 whole, long, sad, dreary days since I’d sent him an email or received anything from him. Truth be told, he was out of cell range or internet access, and he couldn’t communicate. (Although, I don’t know that he’d actually have written, if I hadn’t written first.) On the 16th night I couldn’t stop my fingers. I sent an email that said I missed him.

He wrote back, within 13 minutes, to say that he missed me.

Here’s a brief list of things that I just don’t understand: Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — 8 comments
06
Apr 10

Life Lessons and Lamb Poop

4-minutes-old “And that is another great example of how there are so many different ways to make a living.” My grandfather used to say that. He’d had his share of different careers – mechanic, draftsman, lumber yard manager and more that I can’t remember. We’d be playing Yahtzee, visiting about someone we both knew, and he’d marvel at how the world was changing and people were finding new and interesting ways to make a living.

Today the kids and I got to see a way of life that hasn’t changed much. A dear friend invited us to see what goes on during lambing. It was 39 degrees with low gray clouds that just started to release snow when we pulled up to the old barn. There were sheep everywhere, and lambs anywhere from two minutes old to a couple days old.

I wasn’t sure how Jen and Will would take to the whole thing. It was cold and muddy and smelly and wet.

They jumped right in.

They could hardly wait to scoop up these newborn lambs. They got to bottle feed the bum lambs – the ones that are rejected by their moms. It requires a thick skin to do this for a living – you can’t possibly save all the rejected lambs. I thought we’d end up with a car full of new pets. It can be cruel, but the process is so labor-intensive and exhausting, that it doesn’t leave much time for tears over the sickly ones. Continue reading →

Moving On — Comments Off
05
Apr 10

Celebrate

Phyllis,

Congratulations on your Independence Day.

You are amazing!!!

sending hugs and bouquets …

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — 29 comments
05
Apr 10

When ‘Go To Hell’ Doesn’t Cut It

Will looked at me and said, “I can’t get dis futtin’ thing open!” Stupidly, I said, “What did you just say?” Then his chubby little fingers handed me his juice pouch while his humongous brown eyes peered through his Harry Potter glasses, and he frustratedly said, “Mom! I can’t get dis futtin’ thing open!”

We were surrounded by little preschoolers, their adoring parents and the preschool teacher. It was just a few days after a couple parents approached me about the possibility of my taking the position of President of our little parent-run preschool. I grabbed Will’s juice pouch, muttered something under my breath while looking down so that none of them would notice that I was blushing, poked the straw in the pouch, and was squirted with a steady stream of sugary apple juice – my payment for being a ‘bad’ mommy.

__________

I try to work on my language. I think I’m making progress. I never have been convinced that saying bad words is any kind of an indication of a character flaw. However, with two little people that parrot everything I do and say, it behooves me to rein in on the language a bit.

While I do release the occasional f-bomb, I don’t direct it at others. Continue reading →

Moving On — 3 comments
03
Apr 10

Survivor Encouragement or ‘You Go Girl’

Yesterday I received an email from Phyllis. She’s facing a difficult weekend. This would be a wonderful time to send a bunch of good words her way. She is not yet divorced, but her husband has been living in a different town. Today he is due to come by her house. I can hear apprehension in her email.

If you’ve been reading this blog, you have read a bit about Phyllis. She is an absolute dear, and a brave woman. Her Independence Day is April 5th – the one year anniversary of leaving her narcissistic husband. It has not been easy. She has doubted her decision many times.

Phyllis has a marvelous sense of humor, so if mushy isn’t your thing, send her a funny quote or a joke. If you’ve never commented before, this is a great time to do so. Send some good words to Phyllis. You’ll bolster her on this difficult journey, and you’ll see how sending kind words to someone else ends up making you feel better, too.

Phyllis has a son and a daughter who are a tremendous support for her. But, this weekend she could use all the encouragement she can get. Please think about sending a couple kind words to Phyllis, in the comment section below.

Continue reading →